My submissive journey: D/s

Showing posts with label D/s. Show all posts

The REAL rundown

I wrote a post recently called A rundown, only it ended up not really running anything down at all! As I wrote then, I checked out Brutus' blog and got thrown off my game...

I don't really know why it threw me off my game to be honest, I just know I felt like I'd been smacked in the face. And the fact that I reacted like that was, I think, what threw me off the most.
Nothing written there was news to me, apart from the fact that he had written there. I guess that's it, I didn't expect it. I didn't expect it (the blog) to look different, and I didn't expect him to have written anything. After all, last time I asked he said he hadn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset with him or anything, I was just taken by surprise - and I don't do surprises well, not well at all (this however he should know...).

So.....what is the REAL rundown?
I barely know myself.... But let's do some backtracking together and find out!
That I started studying is kinda where I left off, right? Well, I can say it went well for the most part! The last two modules I didn't do, and the two before that went.... so-so, I guess it's kinda where I started derailing.

A lot has happened in my private life, i.e. things that don't have anything to do with TTWD. My daughter primarily. I needed to shift my focus on her and things concerning my everyday life, so to speak. It's of course not the sole reason for me and Brutus' breaking up, but it was the deciding factor for me.
Anyone that has read either of our blogs know that we had problems, or rather issues I'd say, and they were issues of the kind that I don't think that you can just solve. Because as opposed to problems, issues don't always have a solution that will fix it.
For us, as many others, the issue was that we changed.
I changed, he changed, the dynamic changed, our relationship changed, life changed.... and they didn't all change in the same direction.
Common enough I suppose. Even more so in LDR:s I'd guess, although I don't think the LDR was an actual problem for us, not really -apart from maybe the transitions between being together and not being together. This is also when we had our hardest times, both emotionally and in a D/s context, although the D/s context had it's own issues also when we were together. So what do I think was the main problem? I think we fell out of sync. It might sound like simplifying it too much, but I think that's the core of it all. We fell out of sync, and in doing so we couldn't meet eachothers' needs in the right time and way. I think that we did our best and....it simply didn't work out.
For me, taking the decision to even make a decision was a big one! I am known for "sticking it out" and "never giving up" - we both are! And that is actually the reason that I forced myself to sit down and do some soulsearching - I wanted to do what would be best for everyone in the long run. Not just me, or him, and not just for the short term, but for the long haul. And if there is something I have learned it's that not giving up just for the sake of not giving up leads to worse results than facing the facts and making the best of it ever will. And in hanging on to things for something they used to be, you miss out, not just on new things, but also things you already have but will then lose entirely instead by ruining them. My decision caused me loss, it caused Brutus loss, but it didn't cause us to lose all. So for that alone I think I made the right choice. Not the one I wanted or thought was easiest, but the one I thought was right. I have realized something (call it growing up if you like *laughs*) - things that cost as much as they give cost too much. Even if they are dear to you, even if you value what it gives highly, if the balance sheet don't workout then it costs too much, especially if the "cost" comes out of another pocket than just simpel effort.

I'm rambling again, sorry.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and make decisions, not based on what you want, but on what is right -and hopefully right for as much/many as possible.
That's what I think I did, at least it's what I tried to do. I still think my decision was the right one, I'm not sure what exactly Brutus thinks. I know it's not the decision he wanted me to make, nor one that he wanted to make for himself, although I think he might have come to the same conclusion himself if I hadn't first.
We are still friends, and for that I am very happy!
I would've respected it if he had felt that he couldn't be just friends, it's not an easy thing to do, but he said he would try and so he has -and then some! I hope we can keep it up, he is and always have been important to me. He has helped me a lot in many facets of life, not just in TTWD, and regardless of the outcome, I loved him as both partner and Sir. And friend, and that I still do.
My private life is still in chaos - dunno if that will ever stop! But.... overall, I'm doing OK. I've changed here too. My outlook is different. I still get caught in the same traps, often get the same results, but the way I pick myself up from them has changed. I look at myself differently, I look at life differently, I... I've come to find acceptance of things. Not accepting the negative aspects themselves, but accepting that they are there and they are what they are and...well, and you just gotta make the best of it, and why not enjoy it at the same time? Outlook makes a HUGE difference! Not the program, the attitude - the program is just necessary evil :P (sorry, the nerd had to get out sooner or later! Hihi)

OK, so dunno if I have actually managed a "rundown" at all, but it should be better than the first try at least ;)

Tip Top

Kiwi's post Tips for Tops from a bottom's "very recently punished" pov has created a bit of a stir. Although she is the inspiration for this post this post is by no means about her and her situation specifically.

The post is a bit like a list of Do's & Don't's for Doms. These are things i have always taken for granted. If they were not in place i would not be in a D/s relationship with that person. But that is me personally.

Kiwi wrote: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her despite knowing the thrashing is not as hard as she can usually take…her pain tolerance right then may just be a little lower for a reason. Maybe she has learned her lesson quickly for a change."

Pain is a complicated thing. We're affected by many things both before, after and during.
Before being the case of how we already feel emotionally just before hand. Maybe we're stressed, sad, angry, hurt or wound up. I know that for me, being any of those before hand can make me lash out at Sir. It usually calms though, and actually more often than not the end result is a calmer melinda. But i think as a Top you have to be prepared to take that without seeing it as the sub being bratty -it's an emotional and physiological response to the pain administered and the feelings that were already present before hand are often reinforced.
My tip: Give it a little while. Be mindful of what you say and do -try not to trigger your sub further by reacting to her lashing out! Instead be calm and keep your cool & wits about you. Observe.

Next point i want to make from that section is that pain tolerance shifts. Our hormones have a great effect on them for instance, so where she is in her menstrual cycle can make a real difference. I know i have one point in my cycle where i tend to move more towards being a painslut, and then another where i wanna scream just by the sight of a clamp. So my next tip is: Keep this in mind. And that tip goes for both Tops & bottoms! I know i can be very hard on myself for not being able to do something that i would usually not only enjoy but even thrive on, but right then it just isn't possible. Be honest! Both with yourself and your Top.
And of course then comes the BIG one: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her..." I have two takes on this. 1) A stop is a stop and there are no two ways about it! It means STOP!
The second take comes in because some people have different types of scenes and different types of responses. For instance someone into rape play wouldn't really be able to do that if stop actually meant stop.
If you know each other well enough you probably know the difference between the different "stops". The other alternative is having a safeword. We all know what that is by now, yes?
Personally i wouldn't say we use stop words as such. If i say stop, Brutus stops. End of. Usually though i say Pause. This means i need a moment to collect myself, it's becoming overwhelming and i need to catch up. It can also mean that i can't take no more of that particular activity, but not that i want to stop a scene completely.

A common way to use safewords is using the traffic light system:

Red = STOP (for many Tops this would mean the end of the scene altogether)

Yellow = Slow down / Pause

Green = Go (can even mean "i like it, i want more")

The most important thing to think about here is to check in with the sub!
Ask questions.

Are you OK?

Have you had enough?

Do you need a minute?

These questions are also good to check if the sub has gone far into sub space. If she's way into it the response may be nonsensical or you might not get any answers at all. You may even get a giggle fit or a growl in response! In this case the Top needs to make a judgement call; is she OK to continue? Being in space does by no means automatically mean the scene needs to stop. It just means that the Dom needs to be even more careful and take even more responsibilty for the sub's safety, because she isn't really able to herself at that time.
Is she lucid though i urge you to take her word for it! Being doubted doesn't have a good effect either -that i can tell you from personal experience.

I won't incorporate how to take care of someone after (and during) sub space as it will end up too much for the one post here.

So, basically, to try to get back on track, it should never be about the amount of pain inflicted, but abut the response to it!
It's the effect and the response that is significant, not how hard it measures.

Just a quick jump back to the safe words, since she also wrote "Let your bottom have a “safe-word” if its ill-used then you can always punish for that. But trust your bottom to use the privilege of a safe word correctly."

Just like many mentioned in the comments, this is not a privilege it's a right! Some people choose to waive that right, this is called Consensual Non-Consent (CNC). People that see themselves as slaves tend to do this. This doesn't mean that your personal responsibility for your own health and safety is waived though!

Daisychain left this in her (first) comment: "Safeword absolutely ESSENTIAL, and even if "misused" it must still be honoured by the top. Every time. Otherwise it is abuse, not ttwd."

Firstly, i totally agree. At least so far as to the fact that safewords must ALWAYS be honoured. Always. As i said not everyone uses them, but i think everyone should have something that indicates their status in an ongoing scene.

When it comes to them being "misused" it gets a bit complicated. First i thought can a safeword be misused? I came to the conclusion that they actually can.

A safeword is not meant to be used as a remote control -it's an emergency break. It's not there to control the scene, it's there to control the safety of the scene. Huge difference!

An anonymous commenter wrote "I completely agree, Anonymous. Kiwigirliegirl, I hope you understand that a top cannot, under ANY circumstances, do anything to a bottom without the bottom's consent. A safeword is a right, not a privilege, and there's no such thing as misusing it. If you want something to stop, it has to stop."

Only thing i disagree with there is the there's no such thing as misusing a safeword, as already said i believe you can. What you have to question then is What does a sub actually gain from misusing her safeword? The answer is: nothing. She loses. The Top loses out. And there's a power shift. So she has everything to lose by misusing it.

But that is MISuseing it -NOT by using it. In fact, using it should invoke trust from the Dom. The Top can then relax a little more feeling secure in the knowledge that by having a safeword, that is used with its intended purpose in mind, there is a much lesser chance of something going too far.

Having a safeword (or something like it) has many advantages, even more than the primary reason for them which is safety.

I think they hold a strong psychological power to them. Now power is always a dangerous word to use when speaking of subs, it's so easy to mistake it for meaning the sub having power. It's not. What i mean is that the power (effect) of a safeword can make the sub feel more secure and safe. Not only physically but also emotionally. If we feel safer and more secure we can in return trust more. When we trust more we can often actually take more. Which should be satisfying for almost any Dom.

Being on edge because we're unsure of the Top or the implement being used makes it more difficult to focus on managing the pain. Not being able to manage the pain means a feeling of panic. And the more panic we feel the less control (of the pain and our response to it) we have. It starts a downward spiral. If this spiral goes far enough the sub can crash, emotionally and mentally.

Fear is only good in one way, and it's the type that gives us a rush of adrenaline that we like. This type of play is common in BDSM, for example in knife- and rape play. Plain fear is nothing but harmful (at least in this context). If we fear an implement it should be introduced slowly, "nicely". A sub should never fear her Dom. Never! There is a huge difference in fearing an activity and fearing your Dom. And trust is absolutely necessary. Of course, trust is built up over time. This is why D/s relationships evolve so much, the more we trust, the more we dare. Remember though; trust is something that is earned! And given. Trust cannot be forced or taken. It's a process. This is even if we already know and love a person. Trusting someone in everyday Vanilla-life is not the same as trusting someone with an implement or to take charge of our lives.

And i think i will leave it at that -it became a HUGE post as it is o.O

Firstly i wanna apologize for being such a bad blogger -and blogger friend! I suck, i know!

I'm sorry.

It's very much how i am all round, on/off, hot/cold, up/down -it can turn a lot, and quickly or it can be drawn out. It's very much how i am in life with everything.

I'm intense in everything i do, even the withdrawing (albeit that is a bit of a contradiction).

Let's just say that i am an all or nothing kinda gal, there are no in between's with me, not even if i want them.

It's been quite stormy here for a while (no i'm not talking of the weather, albeit it was very windy this morning! Made it feel like a snow storm with all the snow blowing of the roofs *unpleasant*).

So what's been going on? Oh you know just the usual; finances in ruins (i mean like old medieval ruins in dust :/), meds being messed up back and forth (right now i have been off meds for a few weeks...), a family life in constant chaos and there's been Sir and i that have been just about as much up and down as the rest of my life. That part is more difficult to disregard though, and also more difficult to "work with", if you get what i mean. It's complicated. Sometimes a lot more complicated than it needs to be it seems.

The most difficult part is when all the different chaotic parts of life collide with eachother -doesn't help when chaos meets chaos, it creates further chaos and disorder and disruption.

And when one issue causes another issue, that needs to be dealt with but can't because of the underlying original issue then it just becomes pancake.

... I was trying to give you an example here but it all gets so messy and complicated, but i'll try...

I need firm Dominance. Sir isn't really the firm/strict type. When he tries to be i fight back and throw curve balls and weedle myself out of stuff. It throws him off, he drops (or lets go of) the ball, and then i react to that instead. I don't mean to do that. And in the long term i certainly don't want to "win". Even if i might at times be satisfied i managed right then and there.

We talk about these things. We decide to step up the game. Nothing happens. Sometimes it even leads to the opposite where the D/s almost disappear instead. This fucks with my head and i become an even bigger bitch. Which deflates Sir more. And in the spiral we are.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying we're in a bad place! We're not in trouble or anything like that! Even if we have rocky patches like everyone else.

I know a lot of my readers (if i still have any) have DD relationships and i realize that it is different so maybe it's hard for anyone to answer, but has anyone else found that love made their D/s relationship more difficult and complicated?

I want to clarify why i think DD and other D/s relationships differ slightly, and that is that for most in DD love was the foundation for the relationship to start with. With that i mean that most people were already a couple in a relationship that they then decided to modify.

Whereas often in a D/s relationship you have gone out looking for the D/s and there found your partner, so it's kinda the other way around from how you start DD.

Does that make any sense?

Like Sir and i, we didn't meet, fall in love and become Dom and sub. We looked for a D/s partner (partner being a loose term in this case, maybe counterpart is a better word?), became Dom and sub, and later that turned into something more.

Looking back i have started to see that that point of "more" is when everything got confusing. That's when everything changed.

Not saying it's a bad change, but it's a change that can throw everything off. And with us i think it has. At least it has me. But i think also Sir. I think Sir's needs changed with that. Or at least his outlook.Whereas mine hasn't really. But they have changed by proxy. Which i think is a dilemma too. We have ended up on different levels. Trying to accommodate each other becomes more difficult then. Even if we both try. Neither of us are good at "faking". And with faking i mean acting in a way we're not really feeling at the time. Which is where we start spiralling; I don't feel submissive. I start acting out. I need him to cut me off. He don't feel very Dominant. My acting out makes him feel less so instead of more, so instead of coming down like a ton of bricks, he gets discouraged. I get frustrated and pissy and unruly. He becomes frustrated... and so it goes on. Until something else happens that breaks the cycle (that could be something good or bad).

I told you guys about the punishment i had last time i went to see Sir, right? That's what i need. More. And swifter. Ignoring that kinda behaviour doesn't work on me. I only get worse. And no, i'm not being deliberately bratty to get what i want, i get bratty because i am by nature and i need help to stop it in time (at a reasonable level).

Sir was here over New Years. I was not so good. He did nothing. I got worse. I got out of hand.

His words saying i wasn't being so nice to him cut, i still hear them ringing in my ears. And it makes me sad. But they don't break the spiral inside of me, the spiral that is like a mechanical spinning toy, once it's started there's not a button to switch it off! It has to be broken (the action not the toy!).

While the punishment last time was something awful it's one of the best things that has happened in our relationship, and is something i need us to keep up.

Although i'm not one to rely on punishments for my behaviour i do need the structure of it (even if it don't have to lead to punishment it has to hold that dynamic) I certainly need the behavioural aspect of it.

- Call it behavioural therapy *lol*

Sir you can be my permanent cognitive behaviour therapist!

I've been confused for a long time about something but it's not until right this second that i've had words to it!

And that is;

does Sir want a girlfriend that is also his subbie, or a subbie that is also his girlfriend?

To me, there's a huge difference. HUGE difference. And i'm realizing that for him maybe there isn't? For me, i'm the latter. That's what i want to be. How i want it to be. In proportion i would say at least a 60:40 ratio. Because i'm coming to realize more and more, that the less sub i am, the worse girlfriend i become. And i even think that is a pretty minimal ratio to be honest.

I'd say as it stands the ratio is backwards.

And like i said in the beginning of this (probably very rambly) post; i don't do things by halves or in moderation. I am an all in kinda girl. I can't be a good subbie in low numbers, because it's not subbie enough. I can't be a 100% good at being 40% subbie.

That probably doesn't make sense does it?

I'm referring to the ratio above. With that ratio i can't be a good subbie or girlfriend. The numbers are just simply too low. Give me high numbers and i'll put them back out. The numbers i mean. I'm high-grade and high-maintenance, that i have always stated.

But i think putting in more in the short run, will actually save some effort in the long run. Or rather a helluva lot of effort in the long run.

But i know there are other factors too.

Life is complicated. Certain parts of life are more complicated than others. And certain parts again makes life more complicated to mesh with other's....

Sir and i mesh, we do, in some weird, odd way we really do.... But i do think we are kinda out of sync, but that, that is technical and can be resolved. Problem is finding a common synchronization point.

*LOL* didn't that just get very technical? *lol*

Speaking of technical i have applied to a college course to become a computer programmer!

The course consistes of 8 modules that will be read 2 at a time:

Computer 1a
Goes through the computer system structure, components and peripherals. You develop include the ability to install and configure application software, networks and printers, as well as learn the procedures for protecting information.

Programming 1
Is an introductory course in programming. You get basic theoretical and practical knowledge of programming. You will also learn the basics of systems design and structuring techniques and knowledge of the interaction between applications, runtime environment, operating system and hardware. To get the maximum benefit from the course, you should have good computer skills.

Web Development 1
This course provides basic knowledge on technical aspects of various media formats and interaction between clients, users, designers and developers. You practice your ability to build websites and web applications according to standards and guidelines for good practice, and with good accessibility for people with different conditions. You get knowledge of application architecture and separation of different types of logic.

Programming 2
Programming 2, based on the Programming 1, gives knowledge of interfaces with users, files, file systems, operating systems, databases and Internet. You will also learn object-oriented programming in theory and practice.

Web Development 2
The course builds on Web Development 1 and deepen your knowledge of the topic. You are given the opportunity to develop products that comply with standards and national / international codes of practice, usability, accessibility and security. You also develop knowledge of relevant laws and regulations, the ability to do web-related ethical considerations.

Digital creation 1
The course provides knowledge to design and develop ideas through the use of digital tools. You get knowledge of the technical equipment, structure, function, limitations and opportunities. One goal is to provide an understanding of how sound works as a means of expression in digital environments.

Web Server Programming 1
This course gives you the ability to plan, implement, document and evaluate the development of websites and web applications or other types of applications based on web technologies. You will learn about character encoding and the ability to handle different standards for character encoding, as well as the safety and ability to identify and thwart attacks.

Multimedia System
This course provides advanced knowledge of computers, computer and communication systems and different types of network structure and function. You will learn how to plan and perform work in computers and given the skills to perform optimization, fix errors, and administration and diagnosis of computer and communication systems.

What you guys think? Sound like me? You think you can survive it? *lol*

Anyways, so far i've only applied, there's a bunch of stuff to sort out first but it would be fun i think =)

And it would be studied remotely (ie out of classroom) which gives me great freedom to travel to see Sir =)

Keep your fingers crossed for me?

Reminds me of my horoscope for today, it says:

Friday, January 11, 2013 - It may feel as if the resistance you are encountering originates from the current circumstances in your external world. However, the Capricorn New Moon occurs in your 3rd House of Communication, indicating that your immediate environment is a reflection of you. The good news is that your destiny is in your own hands; whatever conflict you have created, you can remedy with a real commitment on your part. Be brave and start talking about tough issues to get the ball rolling.

Now that's something to keep in mind!

I will certainly try.

Destiny in my own hands ~ Conflict i created ~ i created ~ Commitment ~ Be brave ~ Start talking

I hope you've had some fantastic holidays & that your coming year will be a wonderful and rich one!

Punishments and such

Earlier today:

I am right now at this writing moment sitting in a plane heading for Paris where I'll transfer to my flight home. I'm sitting eating an apple, waiting for breakfast to arrive. My e-book didn't download in time so i figured i could blog a bit (i hope it will save alright!). There's been quite a lot going on over these past days with Brutus. Stress, bad moods and arguments, but also snuggles, love and laughs, movies and nice dinners. A trip to IKEA which resulted in a very nice little work station for Sir. Oh and there was spanking. One kinda maintenance, as already mentioned, one HEFTY punishment spanking, and last night a small one just for fun.

I guess out of all that it's the punishment you're interested in hearing about, yes? Yeah, thought so. I don't even remember which day it was now or specifically what I'd done, but i had been moody, irritable and probably quite obnoxious to be honest. At dinner he had enough. We'd planned on watching a movie after dinner but it was now announced that "after dinner's finished you can go straight to bed and get a spanking". Oh! "Fine. Yes Sir." We finished our dinner, as you can imagine not in the best atmosphere. When i'd finished eating i asked Sir if he wanted coffee, as per usual. Yes he did, but i was to wait with making it until he was finished. Oh ok then. Pfft. Once he'd finished i got up, made the coffee, put it on the fire and started doing the dishes. You know i'm like really ocd with the dishes (like <really>), and they usually take a long time to do, but you know what they say; a silent woman is an angry woman. A silent woman cleaning even more so. And trust me i was pissed. I can't even remember why (only that Sir asked that exact same question during dinner and i didn't have any better answer for him than for you). The dishes were even done by the time the coffee was. Or no actually not quite. I poured us both a coffee and i pretty much downed mine while doing the last pieces of dishes (yeah ouch hot!), put down my cup (or ok i might have slammed it a little), stomped off to the bedroom, more or less tore my clothes off and placed myself naked across the bed, and waited. Didn't have to wait too long.
He was nice enough to warm me up first - i have to give him props for that, he's gotten really good at doing that! - after that everything is a bit of a blur. I know he used almost all implements: the paddle brush, the shoe horn, the crop, the belt, and i believe that thing he made of my thin studded belt too. All i know is that i've never had a punishment even remotely that severe. And i have never hurt like that before. Ever. Ok childbirth and such discounted. I cried. For me, quite a lot. Not half as much as Sir thought thought nor half as much as i myself wanted either. But i cried. And yes i got those images in my head again. Sometimes spanking helps, sometimes it brings it on. Sir wondered afterwards why i didn't tell him to stop. Why didn't i? Because i didn't find it relevant. Also they'd already started so what was the point? And maybe also that i didn't want to be accused of backing out. Or feel like i did.
But Fuck did it hurt! It hurt like a m-f. Scuse my language (sure you're used to it by now though).

It is a punishment i will not soon forget. Not that it stopped me from continuing being argumentative. *insert eyeroll*
I don't think anything can stop me from that.
I'm still black and blue all over my arse. And lovehandles. Oooh why do they hurt so?! They hurt so bad! I actually laid there quietly taking it all. Well mostly, and i guess it depends on your definition of silent. But there was no howling if we put it like that.
It was when he started using the loopy bit of the shoehorn that he said that i had to let him know when I'd had enough. And that just broke the barrier for me. The excruciating pain and then the all clear to stop it had me begging him to stop. And i mean begging.
I lay there for a while, more or less completely still, quietly sobbing into the pillow. After a little while Sir asked if i wanted a hug. I nodded my head and slowly crawled up to him. Mostly for his sake actually. I know how much he hates punishments, and i think that one was almost as difficult for him as for me -at least mentally.

Oh almost in Paris now. Time flies! (see what i did there? Haha i am so witty. *rolls eyes at self*)

There you have it. All the gory details of my first really severe punishment. Bad enough that i didn't even bother counting the strokes of the belt. Many. That's enough to know.
It was a fair punishment. I deserved it. Like so many other times when i haven't gotten any consequences at all. This time i did. And i am happy for it.

Now i soon have to get ready for landing, so on that note i will love you and leave you.

Catch you when i'm back at a totally freezing Sweden (yes we're talking like minus 15°C!)

Ok have to switch off phone now.

Bye!

Now:

Tired. Cold. Sooo cold here!

Happy to see TB. Unpacked. Some dishes done. Xmas presents stowed away.

The second leg of the travel home was a bit hectic. We were late into Paris which meant i almost missed my connecting flight. Stress. Especially when you're like me and of course run in the wrong direction in the airport! Great when you only have a few mins marginal. But i got there in the end and luckily for me there was a huge queue so i made it in time (with time to spare even). I slept most of the second flight, even though i had decided i wouldn't. But it was nice. I guess i needed it too,was out the house at 5 am this morning -not many hours sleep ;)

Not much more interesting than that to say i'm afraid.

So that's it for me for this time, i'll leave ya to it ;)

Tjenatjosan ciao bye!

The post i wrote the other day, when i was still at Master's house, the post that disappeared, it was about me withdrawing, putting walls back up.

Why? Mostly because of annoyance and friction over standing issues i think.

In having my (very valid) concerns ignored i have felt....disrespected. Or more..hmmm....left out, made less important. I've felt Him being inconsiderate of me. I dunno, i guess i've felt like that if He don't care about how He lives, then He don't care about how He live with me (not logistically, but from a relationship pov), or if He lives with me. How it would affect me if something would happen to Him. He might not care, and sit and hope for the best, but i do. Yes, i hope for the best too, but i also fear for the worst. Every day. And then when i got annoyed (on a specific occasion) and actually opened my mouth about it (quite crudly and offensive i can admit to -which obviously isn't OK) He actually laughed about it. He laughed! That's when i went from annoyed to pissed. Really pissed. And the rest of that lunch, well His whole lunch hour really, was spent in suffocating silence and awkwardness. You see, i can't hide what i'm feeling very well. Even if i try i can't really mask it. You know how some people can be really annoyed or angry or frustrated, and no one else even notices? I'm not one of those people. My feelings vibrate from me like electricity, and anyone around me will be able to feel it's current.

This subject is recurring, like on a daily basis, and it was grinding on me and starting to overflow into something unmanageable.

That together with bad habits annoying me (not that difficult to get annoyed when you're already wound up about something is it?) and it's made for an argumentative, sometimes sarcastic, and very unsubmissive subbie. Add to that feelings of being lost, un-anchored, from not being dominated and well you have a recipe for a disaster really.

After about a week Sir said it was time for maintenance -finally!

Only, even here it wasn't said with much authority, but more in a questioning way. So that kinda took the effect from it. When the day for it rolled around i even considered not being ready for Him, with implements out, as He had told me to be. Now, i didn't do that of course. I might be untactful and sullen, but not outright disobedient. So i showered and shaved for Him and chose implements to put out. Yeah, you read right: i chose! Because He'd only mentioned one implement and that was The Meany. I brought out the paddle brush, the shoe horn (oh how i despise it! Which is exactly the reason i brought it out), a leather belt, the carbon fiber "cane" and, of course, The Meany. For those of you that don't know TM it's a crop with a very large rubber double-slapper. And it is quite heavy. Can hurt like hell and leaves mean marks. If you search for it there's a picture of it somewhere around the blog.

I positioned myself on the bed, kneeling, and awaited His arrival.

Maintenance didn't go all that well, not at all like i think either of us had imagined at least. He started off heavy, me still kneeling, ass out, arms above head with my face in the pillow. And he went out hard. I got annoyed. It felt more like punishment than maintenance. Which is fine -if it's labelled as punishment. Not when it's called maintenance. Then that's what i expect. More of a build up. This went all out from the beginning. So when He asked if i thought i deserved it (the maintenance) i said -"Yes, but i also think i deserve a warm up first!"

This seemed to catch Him a bit off guard. Apparently He didn't think He was being so heavy, and said that it wasn't as heavy as we used to do. In my head i was cursing that there's a difference between maintenance, play and punishment. WTF Had He completely forgotten this?? What is wrong with Him? Fine. *sulking* Go on...i'll take it -but just know i am not happy about it! (Yeah, like i said: in my head not over my lips!)

He became gentler and started warming up. Only again, it didn't feel like a gentle warm up, it felt heavy handed -like play (i sure got warm though). And guess what? Yeah, you got it right, it annoyed me. But i took it in silence. Then TM appeared once again. And i felt 3 hard strikes; one on each lovehandle (fcuk them hurts!) and one just at the beginning of my butt crack (yeah that hurts like a #%@*¤ too). I felt overwhelmed. I gritted my teeth hard but managed to get out a -"Pause!". Maybe it was too muffled by the pillow, i dunno, but He didn't hear it. So i said, louder this time -"stop!", again He didn't hear. -"I SAID PAUSE!!" Angry now, and tears welling in my eyes, both from anger and pain, teeth gritting. This time He heard me, and He stopped. He waited. After a little while (a minute maybe) i said that i was OK and that He could go on. Didn't hear. (Yeah i was getting pissed off about that too! Again in my head the conversation was going something like: wtf has He gone deaf?! Or is He plainly just not listening? FFS!!). I said again,

-"You can go on now". yeah, still no response.

-"Go ahead(!)"

Now He got pissed! (wtf?!?).

-"melinda, you don't give commands here!"

Now it was my time to get stumped.

"I wasn't Sir! I said Pause....so when i was ready i un-paused. i was just letting you know i was ready! What was i supposed to say?!"

He said that i should've asked for more. But i was the one to pause it? Not from Him not wanting to go on. So in my head He hadn't chosen to stop, i had indicated i needed to collect myself. So i thought i should tell Him when i was ready for Him to resume. Resume His activity. Seems we didn't really understand each other there. But anyhow He resumed. He changed over to the belt. For some reason i actually like the belt! It was still difficult though and i was actually crying now (into the pillow, not sure Sir actually noticed at this point). A few lashes later He asked me if i'd had enough.

-"no Sir".

I got another two. Same question again. Conversation in my head? Stop fucking asking and just get on with it will you!

Over my lips: -"No Sir!"

Another couple.

-"Had enough now? Has it gotten through to you yet?"

-"No, Sir. *sniffle* No."

-"you need more? you haven't understood yet?"

-"i need more Sir". I got another couple and then He stopped. I wasn't ready for Him to stop, but He refused to keep on. I think that made me cry more than the actual pain had. And it didn't make me less agitated either. Wtf? I need this! I need more! He bloody well wants to have me cry! We've worked on it before, talked about it plenty, and now when i do He bloody well STOPS?! I WANT MORE! What about that don't you get??

No, i didn't actually say that. I cried silently into the pillow, well silent apart from a few occasional sniffles. He cuddled me. I didn't want cuddles. I wanted pain. Pain and Dominance. Apparently He thought i was breaking down. Going into sub-drop or something. (Eeeh NO, you have to actually reach SPACE before you drop *duh!*) I told Him He needn't worry about me, i was just fine. Which i was, apart from being disappointed. But i wasn't dropping or crashing or breaking down. We cuddled for a bit. Mostly in silence. I didn't feel like talking. I felt subdued. Not as in settled, just...processing i guess. I kept telling Him i was fine and that He needn't worry -and i meant it! I wasn't just placating Him. I really was OK. I just wanted silence and be still that's all. I think i kept subdued for the rest of the evening. Maybe even into the next day.

There was no more maintenance after that. Or play. Nor punishment.

Just Vanilla.

Too much Vanilla.

As much as i love the Vanilla part of us, i have great difficulty in staying submissive and Vanilla at the same time. Without Dominance i am not very submissive, at all. I was quite obnoxious at times actually. I don't mean to be. The stuff He was doing or not doing) was getting on my nerves though, and as i said i'm not the best at hiding it. It's a normal part of a relationship to get annoyed with each other's bad habits and ways of doing things that don't agree with our own. I'm sure Sir feels the same about me about something. This is where Dominance comes in and can put all that to rest. Well, ok maybe not to rest, but maybe keep it from spinning out of control.

Fortunately Sir knows i get worked up about His health stuff because i care. Because i love Him. That don't make my behaviour acceptable though and should've, in my opinion, been stopped in it's tracks. Before it becomes a runaway train -they're very difficult to halt!

Before i end this post i want to make something clear: The maintenance was not more than i could take. If you read it properly you noticed i wanted more. It just wasn't what i thought it would be. What i wanted (to start with). So that was actually quite bad of me.

And i'm not moaning ~~-ok maybe i am a little- but~~ i don't want anyone to think it was all bad, because it wasn't! We had some lovely times. But my mindset was all wrong so i felt out of sorts. I wasn't being myself and so there was a lot more friction than normal. I also want to apologize to Sir for that: I'm sorry Sir. I'm sorry for behaving obnoxiously and not being a good subbie to you. And for not communicating with you. But as you said: i don't make commands here. So if you don't feel dominant, or for some reason don't want to be, then that is your prerogative and your choice. I don't decide that. i don't have to like the choice -BUT i shouldn't act like i did. So again: Sir, i'm sorry.

I guess we're gonna be having one of them talks i dislike so much? Ugh!

I want You to know one more thing Sir: i love you. Even though i misbehave and act out and get frustrated and annoyed. I still always love you. That never changes. I need You to remember that. Will You, please?

OK, this is where i stop pouring my heart out in confession and start regretting writing this and doubting if i should post it, while knowing i probably will do either way.

Now i'll go hide behind the sofa! Or at least under the duvet, hoping to actually manage to sleep (and wake up having forgotten to post it, or that i have posted it, if that is the case).

Signing off now.

-Over & Out-

When good subbies behave bad

OK, so i promised you guys some update about me being here with Brutus. I'll give you one, not the best most positive one but you will get the honest one fresh in my memory.

This morning i have mostly been pottering about, doing small bits and pieces like organizing stuff in the bedside cabinets, a bit of dishes and stuff like that. Like a good subbie do (although maybe a good subbie would've done quite a bit more?). Anyways, i prepared lunch and put it in the oven when i heard His car driving into the garage, so that He wouldn't have to wait more than a few minutes for it. All good, right? Except that as soon as He gets in the door He does something to piss me off. Yes, health related, no need to go into details.
I know what most of you will say now: He's the boss, it's His choice, His prerogative blah blah blah....
I don't agree. Yes, maybe as His subbie i don't have anything to say about it, bit i happen to also be His partner, and as such i do think i have the right to concern myself with it -and yes even get angry about it!
And angry i was. Now the thing with this little girl here is that she really can't mask anything at all very well. And you know how some people can keep in that energy that flows from you when you feel strongly? Not this one!
I was angry and i wasn't hiding it very well at all. Although the things i said was perfectly valid i could've been more humble with my words -i'm as blunt as can be most of the time! *sigh*
I didn't mean to hurt His feelings, or His pride, or to offend Him in anyway. But this is a long standing issue and i am having great difficulty with not letting it spill over.

The lunch was eaten mostly in a suffocating silence, with me averting my eyes from not only Him, but the table in general (like i said i can't hide anything and when i'm angry my eyes glow green as the Hulk himself).

I tried breaking it by asking how His morning had been. His five word long reply ended that conversation, and it was back to the suffocating silence again. After a few minutes i couldn't stand it any longer so i asked about dinner -sure fire subject to get Him engaged! Yeah, i'm being snarky and sarcastic, i realize that -in fact i think i have been a fair bit recently! *ashamed* Yes, i am ashamed, but i won't take the full blame for it. Tonight there will be maintenance -apparently i need it! (No shit Sherlock) We'll see how that goes. It was also said to be a lot of D/s and BDSM going on this time round, there's been none. Apart from me wearing the collar and sleeping chained to the bed with the leash, so yeah that (which i have to admit i like!).

The fact that i'm PMSy and slept incredibly badly last night don't help.

The rest of Sir's lunch hour was....let's say pretty stiff. Not at all like we usually have it with cuddles on the sofa.
I have to admit i am still peeved though. It will probably take me a while not to be, because this issue is a really big deal to me and it feels like He doesn't give a shit about it. I know that's not entirely true, but in His inaction it effectively makes it so.

I'm sorry, i'm spewing gall and probably saying a lot of stuff i shouldn't, but hey what's new?

Now i'll take my still-slightly-shaky hands and revved up pulse and go lay in the sun on the balcony.
Might as well enjoy it while i don't have a bruised arse to hide, right?!

Catch you guys later.

I'm right!

The comments in the last post got me thinking of this.

You left, me right!

(i told you i'm always right! *lol* =P)

Jokes apart;
The first gives the other - i do wonder though; does it work the other way around too?
Or does it make for the opposite?

*Ponders*

Realizations

Continuing on the subject of having difficulty in giving away responsibility for myself (again, not meaning not having any myself) i have come to the realization that not only is it good for my submission, it's good for me over all.

Care & nurturing and controlling growth, that's what it's all about.

I'll tell you why. The reason i've gotten to this point, i think, is because i have gotten back in touch with my submission -because to be quite frank it wasn't all that present for a while. And getting back in touch with my submission has made me more at peace, more harmonious and more content. Add to that the fact that my health is better and i have made great progress with my mental health issues, and you have the result of a happy submissive. No, i left out one key component there, and that is Sir's Dominance. Which is vital to the equation, and His "stepping up" has made a great difference. I have had great difficulties in admitting that His Dominance is one of the key components to my submission. It has felt like putting the responsibility for it on Him. But i am coming to peace with that. It doesn't feel "right" but i'm starting to accept it for a fact. Because how could it not be? Just like i am the one, or at least the main one, that influences my daughter and her behaviour, so is Sir with mine. There's no way around it. And i think He actually likes it. Wants it. Needs it even.

In the other post stumblingchi wrote a comment saying "....Maybe because we are submissive, it's hard to understand the flip side of it, the fact that taking responsibility for us feeds their dominance, makes them stronger, and is not only a desire of theirs, but even a need for a dominant man?"

Thank you chi for getting me thinking!

And thank you Sir for helping me to get where i am right now! Namely in a calm and submissive frame of mind. And happy, let's not forget HAPPY! =)
Thank you Sir, i love you <3

Borrowed words

I know how a totally sucky blogger i have been lately and i have no excuses -no more than a feeble mumbling excuse about being confused, not knowing what to say, life.... yeah and on and on.... You get the gist right? Good, i'll spare you then!

But for the lack of my own words i thought i'd share some reading tips with you =)
This is not books, they are all articles from an online source called The BDSM Training Academy

Here are a few i like, i may post some more later =)

Appreciation & grace

Alternative punishments for manipulative subs

How to start a scene

Tougher training

Sprucing things up

Staying comfortable

Different textures

Not enough room?

Preventing The Drop

Learn their real purpose

moving from part time to full time

Double check your list

Fear in training

Absolutely essential

How to become a painslut

Bottom's up?! - A very common dilemma

Learn from your mistakes

Adding a hook to your training

Needing more

Happy reading!

I've come to realize that a few things have changed in me, some things are no longer an option.

Like having a vanilla relationship, and a life without exercise.

Nope, no can do - i need it, D/s and exercise are my 2 drugs of choice and i can't live without it.

To be happy i need them both -and quite a lot of it too!

Actually make that D/s, S/m, Sx and Xrcise =P

What are your highs, musts and no longer an options?

D/s -an Olympic sport?

DV wrote a great post the other day, which really hit home for me -it's more or less spot on on how i've been feeling lately!
Don't worry i'm not actually gonna copycat it, but i will link to it, you can find it here.

Thank you for a good post DV!

Bewinged & freed

Last night i was looking for pictures for my new blog. The theme was change/metamorphosis and was to be the page for posting progress pictures. As you can imagine you'd get when you type in the words Metamorphosis in a search engine you get a lot of pictures of butterflies.

I'm not going to write about that though, i am going to tell you about what happened with Sir when He came online last night.
I can tell you it was unexpected! But dang did i need it and dang was it good!

There's a reason i haven't written much here lately; i guess i've been confused, i haven't had any words to share because i haven't been able to put any words on anything. I've even been with Sir and come back home without you guys knowing it! But that's a different story (even if it does have some bearing).

Last night Sir was clear, demanding and precise -exactly what i need!

Last night Sir and i spoke briefly before our usual time and He was told that i was home alone this evening. He got excited and got some ideas -i literally couldn't keep my eyes open though so we decided to meet up at our normal time. And we did. I was forewarned i'd be in for a spanking.

After a short time He asked me to get His desired implements out. I was hoping for some more than that, so i asked if there was anything else Sir wanted. He sent a devious devil smiley saying that would be plenty, but adding that i was free to come with suggestions and special requests. For some reason i hesitated for a minute, and in my usual fashion i didn't actually come out with the words straight but gave Him hints to understand what i wanted. Don't ask me why, because i don't actually know why i do that.

But never mind, you probably wonder what my request was?
Some time ago, for when Sir was coming to visit me, i had bought a dog collar and leash. We never got round to using it, or in fact me even showing Him it. That was my special request.
It was granted *grins*.

He wanted me to attach the leash to something, but it's too stiff for that so i was told to put my foot through it so it was attached to my leg, and then connect it to the collar, but to not put it on.
i did as i was told.
Sir had me asking for permission to put the collar on, and i did so kneeling.

i can't tell you the feeling of getting the collar around my neck! But i'll try.
It was like a wave of calm and safety washed over me. You know a bit like when you feel small and vulnerable and get to crawl up close to them and feel their strength and warmth against you and you just sigh and want to purr? Yeah like that. Relief. Yeah, i think that's the word for it, relief.

And.....

As i kneel, i feel myself growing wings, and as my submission fills my senses i feel them open and spread, preparing to fly; set free in my restraints.

Metamorphosed from cocoon to butterfly.
From defiant & petty to pliable & submissive.

(Yes, i could see this in my head as it happened, my mind works like that -i've told you long time i'm not like others =P)

Freedom. That's what i felt. I was physically shrinking in size, but mentally i grew stronger and freer -not through independence but through empowerment from His power.

Freedom & relief.

God did it feel good!

[still purring from it 2 days later]

"Say what you mean, and mean what you say"

Yesterday i wrote a post called being open and honest can be nerve wracking and it really was. Until Sir's reply came in and i let out a sigh of relief.

You see i wrote Sir a letter yesterday, a very long and open and honest letter of how i feel about my submission and what i feel i need. I know i've touched on this with a few posts already, and we've also had some previous conversations about it, but i realized how obtuse i have been in my attempts to convey something so important. Something too important to be unclear about.

Sir has a saying "say what you mean and mean what you say", and i have a long time ago promised to live by that principle. This was my attempt to try to honor that.
So doing "the right thing" and doing something Sir actually asks of me, how could that be nerve wracking? Well first of all honesty in itself can be difficult, maybe even more so honesty to oneself. And there is always the risk of being misunderstood (my specialty btw), especially in how you mean something, even if the actual information is understood correctly.
Sir didn't misunderstand me at all, He understood me completely.

The letter was mostly written in third person. Sir don't require any specific speech from me, He is satisfied with me using His given name. Sir is optional. Everything else is OTT. Personally i like Sir, it sets the right tone for me and serves as a good reminder of who is what in our relationship.
I think writing it in third person was partly what was adding to my nervousness, i guess i worried i'd look silly.

As i said, i needn't have been nervous at all, not only was it completely understood, it was appreciated.
He actually said "I think it is a very well composed mail, both useful and it demonstrates you want to do the right thing."

And i feel good for doing it -and a little proud too if i'm to be completely honest.

Power and Control Part I

Power and Control. Two words that carry a lot of weight. And dogma. Misconceived preconceptions of right and wrong -who has the right to hold it? What is right and what is wrong? And so on.
Now in our lives -with our i mean we in ttwd lifestyle- it looks a bit different doesn't it?
Maybe that's why people frown so upon us? We don't fit the rules -or maybe it's more that the rules don't fit us?
Either way, we don't fit.

But this post isn't really about fitting into society, it's about Power & Control.
What is power and what is control? How can it be used, and what can it be used for? What is the right way vs the wrong way to use it? Why is it so sought after? What mechanisms in us are triggered by it? Does power and control necessarily go hand in hand?
While i think of these fantastic questions, why don't you listen to the soundtrack?
It's kinda apt (not to mention inspiring).

"Stepping up"

Yeah, that's what a lot of ppl would be calling it.

Me, i prefer calling it getting back on track.

Sir and i continued the conversation that i posted about yesterday. It ended well, although it wasn't the easiest conversation we ever had.

I found this picture and i found it so apt. Without Sir's orange there's a lot of red and some black from my side.

I've been finding it difficult to communicate this. I don't actually know why. But i do know that trying to communicate by stealth or in roundabout ways don't really work.

Yesterdays conversation was much more private than the one before so this time there won't be no excerpts, but i can tell you that we talked about it and that we have both listened to the other person and come to the conclusion to try to get back to more like how we used to be. I need tighter control. More Dominance. Less freedom, and a lot less room to act out and speak out of turn.

And Sir did step up immediately. I continue to have Thursdays off and if i'm not sleeping at home that night i'm to inform Him of it. If i want to stay over any other night i need to ask. Same goes for not being at home at 11pm, which is our chat time.

I'm back to tracking gym, which i was hoping to start today but my daughter had other plans this morning =/ , and i am sure i will eventually have a quota to fill as well. Maybe get some new rules as well (?).

So starting off lightly but keeping it achievable and giving us both the chance to slowly accustom ourselves to being back on track again.

Dialling

i had a really good post writing itself in my head this afternoon. It god disturbed by other.... let's say less pure thoughts *lol*
And as always with me; once thought it's erased from the hard drive =(

Had titel, some of the text, as well as images ready in my head. Not anymore. But i will attempt to write it anyways. It might feel a bit forced at first, because it will be, me forcing my thoughts to try to find their way back.

As you all know there's been a lot of vanilla between me and Brutus lately. I love it!
But i also miss the counterbalance. Yeah i guess that's exactly what i feel; imbalanced.
Everything we have done lately has been great -and was well needed and a very important part of our relationship development.
I love Brutus and i want Him to be part of everything in my life, not "just" the kinky parts. I want the whole Vanilla part too -it was great having Him here meeting my daughter, my family and my friends. It was so relaxed.
Well, overall it was. I can see a correlation between Vanilla and "brattyness" though. Not the Vanilla itself, but the lack of counterbalance that often comes with it.
It's taken awhile but i am slowly realizing just how much i need His Dominance. His control.
Our relationship has changed radically over the last year and i guess we kinda got a bit overwhelmed by it. Neither of us thought it would lead to this. Not this deep love that we hold for each other (i'm learning to handle the fact that it is reciprocated). So by no means do i wish that we didn't have this part of our relationship. I guess i just miss what was too. We'll get back to be more of both worlds though i am sure, neither of us can live without it, it's just been lying under the surface for a bit.

The big dial has been on us as a unit, as a couple. One of the small ones has been on D/s and the other one on daily life and supporting each other in it, as much as friends as anything.

Of course these 3 components should always be there, but i kinda need to make the big dial even bigger and fit in the D/s one there instead of it being on the side. I think we both do. But everything in life has it's time and it's cycles of different activity. I have no regrets, none at all -but i do think the (para)meters need to change a bit now.
To become more like this

More frequencies, more.... more layers. Or rather making the layers more parallel.
Vanilla outings. Being more strict. Meeting friends. Rules, discipline, behaviour. Being lovey-dovey. Being more courteous and respectful. Snuggling on the sofa watching a movie. Servicing. Asking permission. Going shopping. Tasks.
The list is endless, because we can have it all. We just have to be bilateral and 3Dimensional. Not neglect one or the other, even if they have different focus at different times.
I'm losing the grip on my submission and i'm starting to feel a bit lost, like i'm still in the harbour but not moored. It's not disappearing, i don't think that's possible, but i am losing my connection with it. And it shows in my behaviour -even if it's not bad, it's not brilliant either. And my attitude kinda suck.
It's easily handled though. As long as i am being handled. OK, so maybe not so easy then!

*LOL*

This is not a complaint, it's a..... a confirmation of loving what we have, a communication of a want and an explanation of my behaviour (by no means excusing it!).

I hope i haven't made a mess of it.