Sunday, July 27, 2014
I wrote a post recently called A rundown, only it ended up not really running anything down at all! As I wrote then, I checked out Brutus' blog and got thrown off my game...
I don't really know why it threw me off my game to be honest, I just know I felt like I'd been smacked in the face. And the fact that I reacted like that was, I think, what threw me off the most.
Nothing written there was news to me, apart from the fact that he had written there. I guess that's it, I didn't expect it. I didn't expect it (the blog) to look different, and I didn't expect him to have written anything. After all, last time I asked he said he hadn't. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset with him or anything, I was just taken by surprise - and I don't do surprises well, not well at all (this however he should know...).
So.....what is the REAL rundown?
I barely know myself.... But let's do some backtracking together and find out!
That I started studying is kinda where I left off, right? Well, I can say it went well for the most part! The last two modules I didn't do, and the two before that went.... so-so, I guess it's kinda where I started derailing.
A lot has happened in my private life, i.e. things that don't have anything to do with TTWD. My daughter primarily. I needed to shift my focus on her and things concerning my everyday life, so to speak. It's of course not the sole reason for me and Brutus' breaking up, but it was the deciding factor for me.
Anyone that has read either of our blogs know that we had problems, or rather issues I'd say, and they were issues of the kind that I don't think that you can just solve. Because as opposed to problems, issues don't always have a solution that will fix it.
For us, as many others, the issue was that we changed.
I changed, he changed, the dynamic changed, our relationship changed, life changed.... and they didn't all change in the same direction.
Common enough I suppose. Even more so in LDR:s I'd guess, although I don't think the LDR was an actual problem for us, not really -apart from maybe the transitions between being together and not being together. This is also when we had our hardest times, both emotionally and in a D/s context, although the D/s context had it's own issues also when we were together. So what do I think was the main problem? I think we fell out of sync. It might sound like simplifying it too much, but I think that's the core of it all. We fell out of sync, and in doing so we couldn't meet eachothers' needs in the right time and way. I think that we did our best and....it simply didn't work out.
For me, taking the decision to even make a decision was a big one! I am known for "sticking it out" and "never giving up" - we both are! And that is actually the reason that I forced myself to sit down and do some soulsearching - I wanted to do what would be best for everyone in the long run. Not just me, or him, and not just for the short term, but for the long haul. And if there is something I have learned it's that not giving up just for the sake of not giving up leads to worse results than facing the facts and making the best of it ever will. And in hanging on to things for something they used to be, you miss out, not just on new things, but also things you already have but will then lose entirely instead by ruining them. My decision caused me loss, it caused Brutus loss, but it didn't cause us to lose all. So for that alone I think I made the right choice. Not the one I wanted or thought was easiest, but the one I thought was right. I have realized something (call it growing up if you like *laughs*) - things that cost as much as they give cost too much. Even if they are dear to you, even if you value what it gives highly, if the balance sheet don't workout then it costs too much, especially if the "cost" comes out of another pocket than just simpel effort.
I'm rambling again, sorry.
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and make decisions, not based on what you want, but on what is right -and hopefully right for as much/many as possible.
That's what I think I did, at least it's what I tried to do. I still think my decision was the right one, I'm not sure what exactly Brutus thinks. I know it's not the decision he wanted me to make, nor one that he wanted to make for himself, although I think he might have come to the same conclusion himself if I hadn't first.
We are still friends, and for that I am very happy!
I would've respected it if he had felt that he couldn't be just friends, it's not an easy thing to do, but he said he would try and so he has -and then some! I hope we can keep it up, he is and always have been important to me. He has helped me a lot in many facets of life, not just in TTWD, and regardless of the outcome, I loved him as both partner and Sir. And friend, and that I still do.
My private life is still in chaos - dunno if that will ever stop! But.... overall, I'm doing OK. I've changed here too. My outlook is different. I still get caught in the same traps, often get the same results, but the way I pick myself up from them has changed. I look at myself differently, I look at life differently, I... I've come to find acceptance of things. Not accepting the negative aspects themselves, but accepting that they are there and they are what they are and...well, and you just gotta make the best of it, and why not enjoy it at the same time? Outlook makes a HUGE difference! Not the program, the attitude - the program is just necessary evil :P (sorry, the nerd had to get out sooner or later! Hihi)
OK, so dunno if I have actually managed a "rundown" at all, but it should be better than the first try at least ;)