My submissive journey: responsibility

Showing posts with label responsibility. Show all posts

Tip Top

Kiwi's post Tips for Tops from a bottom's "very recently punished" pov has created a bit of a stir. Although she is the inspiration for this post this post is by no means about her and her situation specifically.

The post is a bit like a list of Do's & Don't's for Doms. These are things i have always taken for granted. If they were not in place i would not be in a D/s relationship with that person. But that is me personally.

Kiwi wrote: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her despite knowing the thrashing is not as hard as she can usually take…her pain tolerance right then may just be a little lower for a reason. Maybe she has learned her lesson quickly for a change."

Pain is a complicated thing. We're affected by many things both before, after and during.
Before being the case of how we already feel emotionally just before hand. Maybe we're stressed, sad, angry, hurt or wound up. I know that for me, being any of those before hand can make me lash out at Sir. It usually calms though, and actually more often than not the end result is a calmer melinda. But i think as a Top you have to be prepared to take that without seeing it as the sub being bratty -it's an emotional and physiological response to the pain administered and the feelings that were already present before hand are often reinforced.
My tip: Give it a little while. Be mindful of what you say and do -try not to trigger your sub further by reacting to her lashing out! Instead be calm and keep your cool & wits about you. Observe.

Next point i want to make from that section is that pain tolerance shifts. Our hormones have a great effect on them for instance, so where she is in her menstrual cycle can make a real difference. I know i have one point in my cycle where i tend to move more towards being a painslut, and then another where i wanna scream just by the sight of a clamp. So my next tip is: Keep this in mind. And that tip goes for both Tops & bottoms! I know i can be very hard on myself for not being able to do something that i would usually not only enjoy but even thrive on, but right then it just isn't possible. Be honest! Both with yourself and your Top.
And of course then comes the BIG one: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her..." I have two takes on this. 1) A stop is a stop and there are no two ways about it! It means STOP!
The second take comes in because some people have different types of scenes and different types of responses. For instance someone into rape play wouldn't really be able to do that if stop actually meant stop.
If you know each other well enough you probably know the difference between the different "stops". The other alternative is having a safeword. We all know what that is by now, yes?
Personally i wouldn't say we use stop words as such. If i say stop, Brutus stops. End of. Usually though i say Pause. This means i need a moment to collect myself, it's becoming overwhelming and i need to catch up. It can also mean that i can't take no more of that particular activity, but not that i want to stop a scene completely.

A common way to use safewords is using the traffic light system:

Red = STOP (for many Tops this would mean the end of the scene altogether)

Yellow = Slow down / Pause

Green = Go (can even mean "i like it, i want more")

The most important thing to think about here is to check in with the sub!
Ask questions.

Are you OK?

Have you had enough?

Do you need a minute?

These questions are also good to check if the sub has gone far into sub space. If she's way into it the response may be nonsensical or you might not get any answers at all. You may even get a giggle fit or a growl in response! In this case the Top needs to make a judgement call; is she OK to continue? Being in space does by no means automatically mean the scene needs to stop. It just means that the Dom needs to be even more careful and take even more responsibilty for the sub's safety, because she isn't really able to herself at that time.
Is she lucid though i urge you to take her word for it! Being doubted doesn't have a good effect either -that i can tell you from personal experience.

I won't incorporate how to take care of someone after (and during) sub space as it will end up too much for the one post here.

So, basically, to try to get back on track, it should never be about the amount of pain inflicted, but abut the response to it!
It's the effect and the response that is significant, not how hard it measures.

Just a quick jump back to the safe words, since she also wrote "Let your bottom have a “safe-word” if its ill-used then you can always punish for that. But trust your bottom to use the privilege of a safe word correctly."

Just like many mentioned in the comments, this is not a privilege it's a right! Some people choose to waive that right, this is called Consensual Non-Consent (CNC). People that see themselves as slaves tend to do this. This doesn't mean that your personal responsibility for your own health and safety is waived though!

Daisychain left this in her (first) comment: "Safeword absolutely ESSENTIAL, and even if "misused" it must still be honoured by the top. Every time. Otherwise it is abuse, not ttwd."

Firstly, i totally agree. At least so far as to the fact that safewords must ALWAYS be honoured. Always. As i said not everyone uses them, but i think everyone should have something that indicates their status in an ongoing scene.

When it comes to them being "misused" it gets a bit complicated. First i thought can a safeword be misused? I came to the conclusion that they actually can.

A safeword is not meant to be used as a remote control -it's an emergency break. It's not there to control the scene, it's there to control the safety of the scene. Huge difference!

An anonymous commenter wrote "I completely agree, Anonymous. Kiwigirliegirl, I hope you understand that a top cannot, under ANY circumstances, do anything to a bottom without the bottom's consent. A safeword is a right, not a privilege, and there's no such thing as misusing it. If you want something to stop, it has to stop."

Only thing i disagree with there is the there's no such thing as misusing a safeword, as already said i believe you can. What you have to question then is What does a sub actually gain from misusing her safeword? The answer is: nothing. She loses. The Top loses out. And there's a power shift. So she has everything to lose by misusing it.

But that is MISuseing it -NOT by using it. In fact, using it should invoke trust from the Dom. The Top can then relax a little more feeling secure in the knowledge that by having a safeword, that is used with its intended purpose in mind, there is a much lesser chance of something going too far.

Having a safeword (or something like it) has many advantages, even more than the primary reason for them which is safety.

I think they hold a strong psychological power to them. Now power is always a dangerous word to use when speaking of subs, it's so easy to mistake it for meaning the sub having power. It's not. What i mean is that the power (effect) of a safeword can make the sub feel more secure and safe. Not only physically but also emotionally. If we feel safer and more secure we can in return trust more. When we trust more we can often actually take more. Which should be satisfying for almost any Dom.

Being on edge because we're unsure of the Top or the implement being used makes it more difficult to focus on managing the pain. Not being able to manage the pain means a feeling of panic. And the more panic we feel the less control (of the pain and our response to it) we have. It starts a downward spiral. If this spiral goes far enough the sub can crash, emotionally and mentally.

Fear is only good in one way, and it's the type that gives us a rush of adrenaline that we like. This type of play is common in BDSM, for example in knife- and rape play. Plain fear is nothing but harmful (at least in this context). If we fear an implement it should be introduced slowly, "nicely". A sub should never fear her Dom. Never! There is a huge difference in fearing an activity and fearing your Dom. And trust is absolutely necessary. Of course, trust is built up over time. This is why D/s relationships evolve so much, the more we trust, the more we dare. Remember though; trust is something that is earned! And given. Trust cannot be forced or taken. It's a process. This is even if we already know and love a person. Trusting someone in everyday Vanilla-life is not the same as trusting someone with an implement or to take charge of our lives.

And i think i will leave it at that -it became a HUGE post as it is o.O

Realizations

Continuing on the subject of having difficulty in giving away responsibility for myself (again, not meaning not having any myself) i have come to the realization that not only is it good for my submission, it's good for me over all.

Care & nurturing and controlling growth, that's what it's all about.

I'll tell you why. The reason i've gotten to this point, i think, is because i have gotten back in touch with my submission -because to be quite frank it wasn't all that present for a while. And getting back in touch with my submission has made me more at peace, more harmonious and more content. Add to that the fact that my health is better and i have made great progress with my mental health issues, and you have the result of a happy submissive. No, i left out one key component there, and that is Sir's Dominance. Which is vital to the equation, and His "stepping up" has made a great difference. I have had great difficulties in admitting that His Dominance is one of the key components to my submission. It has felt like putting the responsibility for it on Him. But i am coming to peace with that. It doesn't feel "right" but i'm starting to accept it for a fact. Because how could it not be? Just like i am the one, or at least the main one, that influences my daughter and her behaviour, so is Sir with mine. There's no way around it. And i think He actually likes it. Wants it. Needs it even.

In the other post stumblingchi wrote a comment saying "....Maybe because we are submissive, it's hard to understand the flip side of it, the fact that taking responsibility for us feeds their dominance, makes them stronger, and is not only a desire of theirs, but even a need for a dominant man?"

Thank you chi for getting me thinking!

And thank you Sir for helping me to get where i am right now! Namely in a calm and submissive frame of mind. And happy, let's not forget HAPPY! =)
Thank you Sir, i love you <3

I have to admit that i have always had issues with this, with making Him "responsible" for my submission. To me that have always felt like putting too much responsibility on Him, removing my own responsibility from it.
I am starting to see it differently. Or rather, i am starting to allow myself to see it differently. Because as much as i dislike admitting it, a lot of my submission comes from His Dominance -it's like a chain reaction. So ultimately, without due Dominance there is no submission. No, that's not right, no submission isn't correct, but what i'm trying to say is that for my submission to be.... active (?), it needs active Dominance. Without His Dominance i only have "my 50%" (see other post).
To actively be submissive -be His submissive- i need His Dominance. He holds the key to letting it out, making it active and making it prosper.
My responsibility lay in the.... being submissive? And being my best, for Him.
But He is the one who holds the key to it.
The thought still makes me slightly uncomfortable. Just like asking Him for help does (and accepting it). I know it shouldn't. I am His.
His.
That means not only His responsibility to keep me safe and "up and running", it's His right to. He has the right to it, to it all.
My problem has never been with giving away the rights, but with the responsibility.
I give Him all my rights, but i really struggle with letting go off my responsibility. With that i don't mean i don't hold any responsibility myself, because in my view that can never be totally removed, but i mean in allowing Him to take responsibility for me. Does that make sense?

I don't know why i find that so difficult, maybe it's pride? But at least i have come to the realization that whether i like it or not, His Dominance affects my submission, which if you're to be brutally honest about it, means He is (partly) responsible for it and the way it's expressed.

I haven't seen Him helping me as one of His rights but as a burden. I'm starting to see though that it's all His, all of it and all of me. Although i have always considered myself to give all of me to Him, maybe in clinging on to that pride and deep seethed fear of....yeah, what? Vulnerability? In not letting Him take responsibility for me, in all things and all ways (and always), maybe i haven't truly given Him all of me like i have always thought and wanted to?
I realize now that i have never truly let go, and that that has probably been one of my issues all along.

I'm gonna need some time to digest that.
It's a no brainer really i know, but the meaning of it hadn't really dawned on me before now.

He not only holds the key, He holds the Master key (yeah i know! *rolls eyes heavenwards at self*), i may hold the original but it's old and getting a bit rusty and bent so should probably be used for emergency only =P

Watch as realization hits and the walls

(Not intention of the day i can tell you that much!)

Who's Responsible?

I just read a really great post by aisha, it's about how you are the one responsible for your own health. Sure your Dom influences it, but you are the one responsible for it -ultimately no one else can be!

It is often a big misconception that when you give yourself over to a Dom you put everything in his hands, even your own well being. You are to do anything that he asks because he would never do anything that would harm you. This is naive thinking -which is very common in newbies, especially during the sub-frenzy period. Of course he won't do anything to willfully harm you (one would hope!) but when it comes down to it you are the only one who can judge this accurately (and even we get it wrong!). We are responsible for ourselves and our well being, both for our own sake as well as for his.

I'm gonna stop here because aisha has written it so well i'd much rather you run over to her and read it!
It is a very very good post, with a message worth remembering.

So please head on over there!