My submissive journey: views

Showing posts with label views. Show all posts

Tip Top

Kiwi's post Tips for Tops from a bottom's "very recently punished" pov has created a bit of a stir. Although she is the inspiration for this post this post is by no means about her and her situation specifically.

The post is a bit like a list of Do's & Don't's for Doms. These are things i have always taken for granted. If they were not in place i would not be in a D/s relationship with that person. But that is me personally.

Kiwi wrote: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her despite knowing the thrashing is not as hard as she can usually take…her pain tolerance right then may just be a little lower for a reason. Maybe she has learned her lesson quickly for a change."

Pain is a complicated thing. We're affected by many things both before, after and during.
Before being the case of how we already feel emotionally just before hand. Maybe we're stressed, sad, angry, hurt or wound up. I know that for me, being any of those before hand can make me lash out at Sir. It usually calms though, and actually more often than not the end result is a calmer melinda. But i think as a Top you have to be prepared to take that without seeing it as the sub being bratty -it's an emotional and physiological response to the pain administered and the feelings that were already present before hand are often reinforced.
My tip: Give it a little while. Be mindful of what you say and do -try not to trigger your sub further by reacting to her lashing out! Instead be calm and keep your cool & wits about you. Observe.

Next point i want to make from that section is that pain tolerance shifts. Our hormones have a great effect on them for instance, so where she is in her menstrual cycle can make a real difference. I know i have one point in my cycle where i tend to move more towards being a painslut, and then another where i wanna scream just by the sight of a clamp. So my next tip is: Keep this in mind. And that tip goes for both Tops & bottoms! I know i can be very hard on myself for not being able to do something that i would usually not only enjoy but even thrive on, but right then it just isn't possible. Be honest! Both with yourself and your Top.
And of course then comes the BIG one: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her..." I have two takes on this. 1) A stop is a stop and there are no two ways about it! It means STOP!
The second take comes in because some people have different types of scenes and different types of responses. For instance someone into rape play wouldn't really be able to do that if stop actually meant stop.
If you know each other well enough you probably know the difference between the different "stops". The other alternative is having a safeword. We all know what that is by now, yes?
Personally i wouldn't say we use stop words as such. If i say stop, Brutus stops. End of. Usually though i say Pause. This means i need a moment to collect myself, it's becoming overwhelming and i need to catch up. It can also mean that i can't take no more of that particular activity, but not that i want to stop a scene completely.

A common way to use safewords is using the traffic light system:

Red = STOP (for many Tops this would mean the end of the scene altogether)

Yellow = Slow down / Pause

Green = Go (can even mean "i like it, i want more")

The most important thing to think about here is to check in with the sub!
Ask questions.

Are you OK?

Have you had enough?

Do you need a minute?

These questions are also good to check if the sub has gone far into sub space. If she's way into it the response may be nonsensical or you might not get any answers at all. You may even get a giggle fit or a growl in response! In this case the Top needs to make a judgement call; is she OK to continue? Being in space does by no means automatically mean the scene needs to stop. It just means that the Dom needs to be even more careful and take even more responsibilty for the sub's safety, because she isn't really able to herself at that time.
Is she lucid though i urge you to take her word for it! Being doubted doesn't have a good effect either -that i can tell you from personal experience.

I won't incorporate how to take care of someone after (and during) sub space as it will end up too much for the one post here.

So, basically, to try to get back on track, it should never be about the amount of pain inflicted, but abut the response to it!
It's the effect and the response that is significant, not how hard it measures.

Just a quick jump back to the safe words, since she also wrote "Let your bottom have a “safe-word” if its ill-used then you can always punish for that. But trust your bottom to use the privilege of a safe word correctly."

Just like many mentioned in the comments, this is not a privilege it's a right! Some people choose to waive that right, this is called Consensual Non-Consent (CNC). People that see themselves as slaves tend to do this. This doesn't mean that your personal responsibility for your own health and safety is waived though!

Daisychain left this in her (first) comment: "Safeword absolutely ESSENTIAL, and even if "misused" it must still be honoured by the top. Every time. Otherwise it is abuse, not ttwd."

Firstly, i totally agree. At least so far as to the fact that safewords must ALWAYS be honoured. Always. As i said not everyone uses them, but i think everyone should have something that indicates their status in an ongoing scene.

When it comes to them being "misused" it gets a bit complicated. First i thought can a safeword be misused? I came to the conclusion that they actually can.

A safeword is not meant to be used as a remote control -it's an emergency break. It's not there to control the scene, it's there to control the safety of the scene. Huge difference!

An anonymous commenter wrote "I completely agree, Anonymous. Kiwigirliegirl, I hope you understand that a top cannot, under ANY circumstances, do anything to a bottom without the bottom's consent. A safeword is a right, not a privilege, and there's no such thing as misusing it. If you want something to stop, it has to stop."

Only thing i disagree with there is the there's no such thing as misusing a safeword, as already said i believe you can. What you have to question then is What does a sub actually gain from misusing her safeword? The answer is: nothing. She loses. The Top loses out. And there's a power shift. So she has everything to lose by misusing it.

But that is MISuseing it -NOT by using it. In fact, using it should invoke trust from the Dom. The Top can then relax a little more feeling secure in the knowledge that by having a safeword, that is used with its intended purpose in mind, there is a much lesser chance of something going too far.

Having a safeword (or something like it) has many advantages, even more than the primary reason for them which is safety.

I think they hold a strong psychological power to them. Now power is always a dangerous word to use when speaking of subs, it's so easy to mistake it for meaning the sub having power. It's not. What i mean is that the power (effect) of a safeword can make the sub feel more secure and safe. Not only physically but also emotionally. If we feel safer and more secure we can in return trust more. When we trust more we can often actually take more. Which should be satisfying for almost any Dom.

Being on edge because we're unsure of the Top or the implement being used makes it more difficult to focus on managing the pain. Not being able to manage the pain means a feeling of panic. And the more panic we feel the less control (of the pain and our response to it) we have. It starts a downward spiral. If this spiral goes far enough the sub can crash, emotionally and mentally.

Fear is only good in one way, and it's the type that gives us a rush of adrenaline that we like. This type of play is common in BDSM, for example in knife- and rape play. Plain fear is nothing but harmful (at least in this context). If we fear an implement it should be introduced slowly, "nicely". A sub should never fear her Dom. Never! There is a huge difference in fearing an activity and fearing your Dom. And trust is absolutely necessary. Of course, trust is built up over time. This is why D/s relationships evolve so much, the more we trust, the more we dare. Remember though; trust is something that is earned! And given. Trust cannot be forced or taken. It's a process. This is even if we already know and love a person. Trusting someone in everyday Vanilla-life is not the same as trusting someone with an implement or to take charge of our lives.

And i think i will leave it at that -it became a HUGE post as it is o.O

That's the result of the poll

- i hope such is not the case anymore!

I can understand it looking messy before (however not the difficult to use part to be honest, but it's _your_ opinions that count!) and i hope that is not the case after the "little" clean-up.

I'm always interested in your feedback!

Whether it be about how the blog looks, works, what i write...well just about anything really!

So, please feel free to throw it at me =)

Anyways, i hope some improvement can be seen at least.

Now have a good night all!

Or day, depending on where you are.

Take II

I want to start with saying that i am writing this post because i reverted the two posts i wrote yesterday about equality in a D/s relationship. They were seriously misunderstood! So i'm hoping to rectify that disaster.

I didn't write anything about the difference (and lack thereof) between BDSM and DD -but i will now, just shortly. The acronym BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance, Discipline, Submission, Sadism, Masochism (or Sadomasochism).
DD stands for Domestic Discipline.

The difference in my opinion?
The Domestic part. In a BDSM relationship it may or may not be Domestic, i e within an already existing relationship. Many start their relations based purely on D/s, many don't become a romantic couple at all (with Romance i do not mean gestures with hearts and flowers, i am referring to having a relationship as a man and woman aside from the D/s relation). Also that it often -but not always- involves more sexuality than within a DD relationship.

The common factor?
Discipline and Dominance.
In this case the relevance falls on Dominance.

The reason for calling my posts Unequal Equality, and Unequally Equal was not to try and bring balance back to the Power Exchange (PE), rather the opposite in fact! My point was just that we are equal persons in a relationship with an unequal power level between the two participants.
So whatever kind of relationship you are in it's all about the PE -which is what we all want!
Me included.
I don't want power. I don't want to be allowed to make requirements of Brutus. I don't want to steer the relationship. I want HIM to do that!
But i do think of things hypothetically. And i do think about things quite differently from most people at most times. My brain just works differently from most. I just see things differently.

I also want to explain that yesterdays posts wasn't about me and Brutus. This obviously wasn't clear since even Sir Himself thought it was. This is something i thought about before i was even fully aware that ttwd was something for me. Yes, what Sir brought up has been on my mind. Not in a challenging way though.

[OK, i admit maybe a little when during my "downward spiral" and inability to get myself to the gym. But it was simply a projection of me getting into a huff about not being able to meet requirements. It had absolutely nothing to do with Power struggle, but pure childish thinking stemming from "not feeling right".]

So, as i said, i was not in my previous posts in any way meaning that the Dom's authority should be challenged or that he wouldn't/shouldn't have no right to require something of his sub he doesn't do himself. It was about the thinking and reasoning for wanting the sub to do it, which for the sake of the argument i was assuming was with good intent and with the personal betterment of the sub in mind, and my wondering was why the Dom wouldn't desire the same benefits for himself.

I realize my wording was way off in my previous posts by using words like 'should' and 'require' and so on. I didn't mean these to come from the sub but from the Dom himself. And when i said that the sub presumably wants the same benefits for her Dom i meant just that, that she cares just as much about him to want it for him too (note the for and not from). Not that it was a requirement from her, not for her to do it and not for him to ask it.
Simply her caring for- and wanting the same for him as he does her.
(i e it had nothing to do with submission!)

I hope this made things clearer (?)

In case i wasn't any clearer, the actual question was:

Why would a Dom not desire the same benefits for himself as he does for his sub?

But i guess you could say that maybe i also wondered:

"is it OK for a sub to highlight this to her Dom?"

Changing Views and Moving Boundaries

When I first entered this world -oh so recently!- I immediately thought "NO! No way! Why would I let someone do that?!" about a lot of things. A LOT of things. It fascinates me how quickly things can change.
Most of my initial "Never! That's a Hard Limit for me", have softened, some evaporated, and some have even become something I like or at least want to try.

I've pondered this a bit. At first I thought maybe it was altering because of experience, i.e. I've tried something similar which has played down the initial reaction of the activity. And yes, that is definitely one part to it.

The second one is perception.
I think when you come into this lifestyle and really don't have a clue, a lot of things seem to be way of the map, disgusting, crazy even. Well, I still feel that way about some things. But hey we're all different.

I realized my change in perception after Master asking me questions about likes/dislikes and what I think of certain activities. Then He did it again. With the same question. And I realized sometimes my answer had changed (which was the reason for Him doing it, to see if they did).
The other thing that made me reflect on this was that on one of the Internet Communities I use, there's a Kink list you can fill out as part of your profile. Need I say mine was kinda full of - (minus)? Still is in some ways, just because I don't like to leave it blank for people to draw their own conclusions leading to unnecessary discussions.
But a lot of those - (minuses) have become +, ++, or even LS (Life Style). And that in a very short space of time. For awhile it changed almost daily. And that's because I realized there are different ways of looking at things. Take Age Play for example. That was one thing that fell into the "Eeeh....NO!"- category. Because I took it literally. Now I can see the nuances to it, and it actually became a ++. Weird that isn't it?
Or is it really? Maybe it's a bit like a new location. When you go somewhere for the first time you see the beauty of it; the smell of it, the vibrant colours and you get that warm and fuzzy feeling. And then you move there. And after a while all you see is that long bloody hill you have to walk up to get to the shops, instead of that glorious landscape you saw with your "old eyes".

Now thinking about it, that analogy was kinda bad. Because I think entering into the lifestyle of TTWD does exactly the opposite, well backwards from the above mentioned. My main point though was that after we've looked once, twice, thrice, things appear differently. And things that were kinda glorified in your eyes might look more mundane or at least become of a more realistic view, and what at first seemed really scary and off-limits might be something you actually want to try or even have come to enjoy.

That's the beauty with TTWD -it makes one look at things differently and pushes one to explore and learn, to see outside of what you instinctively think and feel is wrong and bad (because that's what we've been told to think!), it's a journey of self-exploration, going into nooks and crannies you never even knew existed.