Looking back

Friday, October 21, 2011

Looking back

I thought I'd take a quick look in the rearview mirror today.

It's just been mine and Brutus's 1 year anniversary

It's been 10 months since I started this blog

and it's my 100th post!

Wow!

.... In the beginning I didn't actually write so much, it was far between posts and I was kind of....faltering. I was not being myself, I was not writing as myself. Once I started doing that it took off! I also found I had a lot to say about a lot of things! *LOL* (So unlike me =P) So it's only really from the summer time that I have been a part of Bloggerland, as opposed to just stuttering out a few words of wonderings here and there.
I now have 45 followers and over 8000 views. Cool huh? I know plenty people have plenty more than that, but I never thought I would!

In the beginning I wrote a lot about being confused and fumbling my way forward and finding my way in ttwd.
I had some difficulty grappling with certain things. I was being overly complicated as usual! *LOL*  But that's me. I over think or don't think at all, I jump right in or I stay by the wayside.
Now I have not only found my submission, I have found me. The two has become one and the same. I started out with trying to be a submissive to later be submissive. I think the biggest difficulty I had with that was overcoming my own perceptions of how it should be -what it seemed to be like for everyone else.
And yes, I'm a complicated person *lol* -I can't just accept that something is, I have to know how and why and and and.... My biggest issue in the beginning of this journey was feeling submission. Not with actually being submissive. I was succeeding in that -albeit with a few pitfalls, but that's to be expected. Apparently I succeeded much better than I thought at the time! Brutus has said that I was "very submissive right from the beginning"  =)


I think submission -and being someone's submissive- is something that you grow into. It's not the same for all and it's not the same with all. Every relationship evolves differently. Two people make it grow, thus there are two directions to merge into one.

When I was struggling with this notion that I had to feel my submission people kept telling my that maybe it wasn't necessary, maybe it didn't even exist (as a solid feeling, I guess they meant it just is). I didn't agree. I just knew it was something I needed. I struggled with it, but I took Brutus' word for it when He said that I was and that I was doing well. Well mostly I did....
Then one day it was just there. I could feel it! And from then on I have never really felt lost again. From that moment on I didn't feel like I was trying to be(come) a submissive, I just was! Am.

The fact that I found my perfect counterpart straight away helped a lot too -I think I would have given the whole thing up quite soon otherwise! I'm not one for trying something on time and again -if it don't work then it's not for me.
It did work. It is for me. It is me.
And I still have that perfect counterpart  =D

It amazes me how very different everything is now from the beginning! Everything was so much more....theoretical(?) in the beginning. That's not strange at all -it takes time to build a relation, to get to know each other, to work out what works and what does not and so on. I'm just amazed at how quickly it has evolved into something so natural. I no longer worry ooh can I do this?, oh what would He say if I do that, or don't do that?  I don't walk around thinking about it anymore, I live it now. I know. I know Him, thus I don't have to worry about how to interpret a rule or something He has said or asked me to do. I just know. Because I know Him. I know what He expects of me and I know what's important to Him, and what is less important. I know what He likes, what He dislikes and what He is indifferent to.

We have come a long way. Many of my boundaries have been pushed. I've gone from having a long list of soft and hard limits, to having a few (most of them we actually share). Sure I'm a bit apprehensive to some stuff He'd like to try! He acknowledges that and respect that -we might do it anyways, but not before "the right time". Usually He is the one to know when that time has come, not me. I rarely think it has! *LOL* But it always end up showing that He was right. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I might say I don't want to try it again, although that is very very rare! Usually He placates me and we do try it again, at a later date, when I'm not so fixated anymore. *LOL*
So, just like I know Him and I know what to expect of Him, He knows me. A lot of the time it seems like He knows me better than I do! He pushes me forward, gently nudging to test the waters, usually I take the leap myself (I push myself at least as hard as He does!). Sometimes I pull Him, suggesting new waters to dip our toes into or in some cases it's just about me being the one to switch gears.
It's been a journey for both of us, both individually and together. Experience and knowledge alters perceptions. New perceptions gives new possibilities. Possibilities for growth. You grow mostly by trial and error, I'd say we've had very few errors! And we've grown a lot. We've grown into something I don't think either of us expected or even dared dream of.
We share a life not "just" a lifestyle, even if we do so apart a great deal of the time. But we are solid and permanent fixtures in each other's lives -in fact He is my solidity.
He's my rock and my safe harbor, my comfort. He's my big Huggy-Bear, my motivator and my voice of reason, my sense -He keeps me moving forward when I want to slack and regress, He keeps my head above water and He keeps me in line.
But most of all; He makes me happy  =)

It's been a wonderful but hard-working journey, but the hard work has been so so worth it! Not only has it gotten me and Brutus very close, the impact it -and He- has had on my life is immense!
And I mean immense!

For that I am grateful and happy and I am looking forward to the continuing journey ahead of me -ahead of us!

And I want to thank all my readers for sticking with me! Avid commenters and lurkers alike;

Thank you for making this blog what it is!

With love,