My submissive journey: venting

Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts

Ramblings of mixed kind

I had a bit to write about earlier, dunno how much is left of it though -in my head that is. Sorry if this gets messy.

Life has truly sucked lately. MEGA-sucked.

Sir and i are where we are, and even though we're moving along and making progress it takes it's toll. For awhile there it seemed like all we did was argue and fight. Quite often at the same time as i was doing the same with TB -which obviously resulted in that i got double up and in turn so did they!

Add to that the fact that TB has been.... let's put it like this; she and i are usually like cat and mouse, lately it's been taken to new levels.
Then i find out why she's been like exchanged over the past couple weeks; it seems she's bullied/teased at school

On top of all this i haven't eaten any meds since before xmas and i'm kinda being... Au Naturale at the moment. (Please don't....)
Sir is starting to find out what melinda-au-naturale is....

Let's just say that his hair-trigger state is my default...

It's tiring. I'm tired. So so tired.

And can feel i'm starting to thread quicksand. I know what that means. Really i do. But even though i am all wound up and trigger happy, i am also calmer (i know, i hear the contradiction there) and less panicky. I don't see red and i'm not half as aggressive as i normally am. Because i'm heavy. And as heavy as it is it is also nice to not go loopy every five seconds.
I know i need to do something about it. And i will. In time.
Right now the most pressing matter is dealing with TB and her school matters. She loves school normally.

Home is chaos. I'm chaos. But too tired to deal with it. On top of it there's all these musts. Must this and do that and then this and then that. And then she needs this and Sir needs that and the next one another.... And *sigh*...

Oh yes, this is a D/s blog, maybe i should write something about that *eye roll*

Sir is trying hard and i know it. And i know i'm challenging him a lot -and not in the good way. I know that is bad, at the same time this is me...maybe it's just as well he finds it out so he knows it for real.

Yesterday i got 10 mins corner time for not doing my dishes i had as a task. I was to stand in a corner facing the wall, naked, for ten minutes. Now i don't have any free corners in my living room (so yes, i questioned it! Shush.), so i was told to stand as close as possible and that would be fine (Thank you Sir would've been a bitch to rearrange the whole living room for ten minutes sake! *lol*).
During these 10 minutes i was to think about our D/s relation. I did.
What did i think about then? To be honest i'm not entirely sure.
I know i had the thought that maybe i am the wrong type of submissive for Sir, if we're to be crass. He never seems to have had any troubles with previous ones. If my memory serves me right they were all mainly humiliation-oriented. I'm very much the opposite (it's actually a hard limit for me). And i'm not meaning it's the humiliation itself that's the solution, more that it's something...practical. It's DOING, and Sir is very good at the doing stuff.
I on the other hand is much more abstract. I am much more about the f e e l i n g. I work very much instinctively and intuitively.
Like Sir the other day couldn't understand how i can be so good at pointing out what he does wrong, but not be able to tell him when he's changed something for the right. I completely understand his frustration in this btw! It's just that for me, i don't sit and think over and look at what's wrong...i just know that something isn't right. I'm feeling it. I know i'm not feeling what i want to feel, and i know i'm not responding to him like i want to respond.
Then he changes something. Most often i'm not even aware of what it is, i do however feel different, and if i feel different i respond different. So i told him; "but you must notice when something is working?" He wants me to tell him (Understandably so, i just don't know if i can. Note can, not won't!)

And this is one of our biggest differences i think. The fact is that i don't know what is working (or maybe even changing), i just know that my response is different. And my response is different because i feel different. It's not even something i think and do, it's a crude case of cause & effect.
So just like i don't think about "wrongs" i don't think about the "rights". And i don't mean by choice, which i realize it may sound like, it's just that my brain don't work that way. Just like i don't sit and think about what to write; i just start and what ends up on the "paper" just ends up there as i go along. That's how my thoughts work. They are "just there", and this is why i often don't even know my own thoughts until i am actually typing them.
It's not thoughts that end up in typing, it's more typing that ends up in thoughts, if that makes any sense whatsoever? Probably not.

OK so back to the other submissives (cos i know i'm gonna be nit-picked about this one)....
It's not that i think that Sir doesn't want me. Or even a submissive like me (because i know he wants me), i'm referring to it more being his style. His natural style. I'm not. Which obviously causes challenges. And that without even counting for all the other challenges i pose!
One thing to compare could be that i am sure none of his other subs has ever "argued" like i do (i'll come back to the definition of argue later). They have probably never been as honest as i am either.
I know that when Sir asks or tells me something the correct reply is for the most just a simple "Yes Sir". And i could do that (who am i kidding?! OK, in theory i could do that) but i have always been honest. Let's look at it for a minute. First you have to remember that we are mostly behind a computer screen (a non-animated non-personal one i want to add), so if i say "Yes Sir" and nothing more that is all he will see and know. Now had i been there in person and i had said "Yes Sir" but not been happy about it He would notice (hopefully). Hence, i do in words what normally my body language would tell him. This is where the "arguing" comes in. In general it's not arguing, it's letting him know exactly how i think and feel about something. It doesn't only have it's downsides. If you really look at it you can also see that if i never did this, he would never know i do stuff even when i don't want to, when i don't feel like it, and even when i think he's an arse for even suggesting something (Yes that happens! Sorry Sir...but it's me we're talking about here). Thing is though-, i've never (in the end) refused him anything! And doing something you really don't feel like or even agree with can say a lot more about your submission, than just doing it with a nice simple submissive "Yes Sir" would do. But yes, it's under the surface. At the surface i can understand it can look argumentative or bratty. And yes, admittedly sometimes maybe i do try to change his mind with my whining about it (i would say that the stats of me t r u l y wanting it at the end of the day though is about 1/1000000). I'm simply honest about how i feel about it. Now if he don't actually want to hear it, "all" he has to do is tell me to shut up. I think he's coming to realize this.
That it's not about bratting and it's not about changing his mind really, but about me just always saying what i think -yes i know, it costs me a lot in life! But it has it's advantages too.
This morning he told me how he'd been at the post office, and while standing idle waiting for his turn he'd thought how much he appreciates my honesty. Now, i'm sure it's not this side of the honesty he referred to, but it's two sides to the same coin. I am always honest -sure i tell an odd white lie just like everyone else, but i don't withhold information about my feelings just because they are not what's meant to be said.
So maybe you could say that,at the end of the day, my "arguing"/talking back, tells as much about my submission as it does my lack of it?

Rambling much? Yep! Sorry about that. But hey, it's me....

Pretty sure this is more or less how my brain would look like on an X-Ray!

Firstly i wanna apologize for being such a bad blogger -and blogger friend! I suck, i know!

I'm sorry.

It's very much how i am all round, on/off, hot/cold, up/down -it can turn a lot, and quickly or it can be drawn out. It's very much how i am in life with everything.

I'm intense in everything i do, even the withdrawing (albeit that is a bit of a contradiction).

Let's just say that i am an all or nothing kinda gal, there are no in between's with me, not even if i want them.

It's been quite stormy here for a while (no i'm not talking of the weather, albeit it was very windy this morning! Made it feel like a snow storm with all the snow blowing of the roofs *unpleasant*).

So what's been going on? Oh you know just the usual; finances in ruins (i mean like old medieval ruins in dust :/), meds being messed up back and forth (right now i have been off meds for a few weeks...), a family life in constant chaos and there's been Sir and i that have been just about as much up and down as the rest of my life. That part is more difficult to disregard though, and also more difficult to "work with", if you get what i mean. It's complicated. Sometimes a lot more complicated than it needs to be it seems.

The most difficult part is when all the different chaotic parts of life collide with eachother -doesn't help when chaos meets chaos, it creates further chaos and disorder and disruption.

And when one issue causes another issue, that needs to be dealt with but can't because of the underlying original issue then it just becomes pancake.

... I was trying to give you an example here but it all gets so messy and complicated, but i'll try...

I need firm Dominance. Sir isn't really the firm/strict type. When he tries to be i fight back and throw curve balls and weedle myself out of stuff. It throws him off, he drops (or lets go of) the ball, and then i react to that instead. I don't mean to do that. And in the long term i certainly don't want to "win". Even if i might at times be satisfied i managed right then and there.

We talk about these things. We decide to step up the game. Nothing happens. Sometimes it even leads to the opposite where the D/s almost disappear instead. This fucks with my head and i become an even bigger bitch. Which deflates Sir more. And in the spiral we are.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying we're in a bad place! We're not in trouble or anything like that! Even if we have rocky patches like everyone else.

I know a lot of my readers (if i still have any) have DD relationships and i realize that it is different so maybe it's hard for anyone to answer, but has anyone else found that love made their D/s relationship more difficult and complicated?

I want to clarify why i think DD and other D/s relationships differ slightly, and that is that for most in DD love was the foundation for the relationship to start with. With that i mean that most people were already a couple in a relationship that they then decided to modify.

Whereas often in a D/s relationship you have gone out looking for the D/s and there found your partner, so it's kinda the other way around from how you start DD.

Does that make any sense?

Like Sir and i, we didn't meet, fall in love and become Dom and sub. We looked for a D/s partner (partner being a loose term in this case, maybe counterpart is a better word?), became Dom and sub, and later that turned into something more.

Looking back i have started to see that that point of "more" is when everything got confusing. That's when everything changed.

Not saying it's a bad change, but it's a change that can throw everything off. And with us i think it has. At least it has me. But i think also Sir. I think Sir's needs changed with that. Or at least his outlook.Whereas mine hasn't really. But they have changed by proxy. Which i think is a dilemma too. We have ended up on different levels. Trying to accommodate each other becomes more difficult then. Even if we both try. Neither of us are good at "faking". And with faking i mean acting in a way we're not really feeling at the time. Which is where we start spiralling; I don't feel submissive. I start acting out. I need him to cut me off. He don't feel very Dominant. My acting out makes him feel less so instead of more, so instead of coming down like a ton of bricks, he gets discouraged. I get frustrated and pissy and unruly. He becomes frustrated... and so it goes on. Until something else happens that breaks the cycle (that could be something good or bad).

I told you guys about the punishment i had last time i went to see Sir, right? That's what i need. More. And swifter. Ignoring that kinda behaviour doesn't work on me. I only get worse. And no, i'm not being deliberately bratty to get what i want, i get bratty because i am by nature and i need help to stop it in time (at a reasonable level).

Sir was here over New Years. I was not so good. He did nothing. I got worse. I got out of hand.

His words saying i wasn't being so nice to him cut, i still hear them ringing in my ears. And it makes me sad. But they don't break the spiral inside of me, the spiral that is like a mechanical spinning toy, once it's started there's not a button to switch it off! It has to be broken (the action not the toy!).

While the punishment last time was something awful it's one of the best things that has happened in our relationship, and is something i need us to keep up.

Although i'm not one to rely on punishments for my behaviour i do need the structure of it (even if it don't have to lead to punishment it has to hold that dynamic) I certainly need the behavioural aspect of it.

- Call it behavioural therapy *lol*

Sir you can be my permanent cognitive behaviour therapist!

I've been confused for a long time about something but it's not until right this second that i've had words to it!

And that is;

does Sir want a girlfriend that is also his subbie, or a subbie that is also his girlfriend?

To me, there's a huge difference. HUGE difference. And i'm realizing that for him maybe there isn't? For me, i'm the latter. That's what i want to be. How i want it to be. In proportion i would say at least a 60:40 ratio. Because i'm coming to realize more and more, that the less sub i am, the worse girlfriend i become. And i even think that is a pretty minimal ratio to be honest.

I'd say as it stands the ratio is backwards.

And like i said in the beginning of this (probably very rambly) post; i don't do things by halves or in moderation. I am an all in kinda girl. I can't be a good subbie in low numbers, because it's not subbie enough. I can't be a 100% good at being 40% subbie.

That probably doesn't make sense does it?

I'm referring to the ratio above. With that ratio i can't be a good subbie or girlfriend. The numbers are just simply too low. Give me high numbers and i'll put them back out. The numbers i mean. I'm high-grade and high-maintenance, that i have always stated.

But i think putting in more in the short run, will actually save some effort in the long run. Or rather a helluva lot of effort in the long run.

But i know there are other factors too.

Life is complicated. Certain parts of life are more complicated than others. And certain parts again makes life more complicated to mesh with other's....

Sir and i mesh, we do, in some weird, odd way we really do.... But i do think we are kinda out of sync, but that, that is technical and can be resolved. Problem is finding a common synchronization point.

*LOL* didn't that just get very technical? *lol*

Speaking of technical i have applied to a college course to become a computer programmer!

The course consistes of 8 modules that will be read 2 at a time:

Computer 1a
Goes through the computer system structure, components and peripherals. You develop include the ability to install and configure application software, networks and printers, as well as learn the procedures for protecting information.

Programming 1
Is an introductory course in programming. You get basic theoretical and practical knowledge of programming. You will also learn the basics of systems design and structuring techniques and knowledge of the interaction between applications, runtime environment, operating system and hardware. To get the maximum benefit from the course, you should have good computer skills.

Web Development 1
This course provides basic knowledge on technical aspects of various media formats and interaction between clients, users, designers and developers. You practice your ability to build websites and web applications according to standards and guidelines for good practice, and with good accessibility for people with different conditions. You get knowledge of application architecture and separation of different types of logic.

Programming 2
Programming 2, based on the Programming 1, gives knowledge of interfaces with users, files, file systems, operating systems, databases and Internet. You will also learn object-oriented programming in theory and practice.

Web Development 2
The course builds on Web Development 1 and deepen your knowledge of the topic. You are given the opportunity to develop products that comply with standards and national / international codes of practice, usability, accessibility and security. You also develop knowledge of relevant laws and regulations, the ability to do web-related ethical considerations.

Digital creation 1
The course provides knowledge to design and develop ideas through the use of digital tools. You get knowledge of the technical equipment, structure, function, limitations and opportunities. One goal is to provide an understanding of how sound works as a means of expression in digital environments.

Web Server Programming 1
This course gives you the ability to plan, implement, document and evaluate the development of websites and web applications or other types of applications based on web technologies. You will learn about character encoding and the ability to handle different standards for character encoding, as well as the safety and ability to identify and thwart attacks.

Multimedia System
This course provides advanced knowledge of computers, computer and communication systems and different types of network structure and function. You will learn how to plan and perform work in computers and given the skills to perform optimization, fix errors, and administration and diagnosis of computer and communication systems.

What you guys think? Sound like me? You think you can survive it? *lol*

Anyways, so far i've only applied, there's a bunch of stuff to sort out first but it would be fun i think =)

And it would be studied remotely (ie out of classroom) which gives me great freedom to travel to see Sir =)

Keep your fingers crossed for me?

Reminds me of my horoscope for today, it says:

Friday, January 11, 2013 - It may feel as if the resistance you are encountering originates from the current circumstances in your external world. However, the Capricorn New Moon occurs in your 3rd House of Communication, indicating that your immediate environment is a reflection of you. The good news is that your destiny is in your own hands; whatever conflict you have created, you can remedy with a real commitment on your part. Be brave and start talking about tough issues to get the ball rolling.

Now that's something to keep in mind!

I will certainly try.

Destiny in my own hands ~ Conflict i created ~ i created ~ Commitment ~ Be brave ~ Start talking

I hope you've had some fantastic holidays & that your coming year will be a wonderful and rich one!

Head spinning

Whirlwinds. Spaghetti. Sloshing water and crashing waves. That's my mind right now. Thinking too many things at the same time. Significant things. Things that can't be disregarded, yet not coherent enough to form a full sentence, even if there are full sequences of thought. It's a bit like a tape being played on an old recorder, you know how you'd sometimes look for a specific place on the tape and you could fast forward, press play for a millisecond, continue ff, playback, rewind,stop and slow motion. vvvvvrrrrrssssssiiiiiitttttiiiiiiivvvvvbrreehhhhhv. It's a bit like that.

And i'm so emotional right now.
The atrocities in the US did nothing to help -and i have too much to say about that, but this is not the time.

And I finished reading a story today. A fan fiction i started reading long ago, the very same one that triggered me to go to the cemetery a few weeks back. It's called "Tattoos Like Mile Markers". I recognize so much of it, even if the story is a lot more "hardcore" than what i have done. It's at times a very very dark story, but it's also full of hope and light. Sometimes it's difficult to see for the clouds but it's there. And love, as full of self-loathing and self-blame and shame as it is, it's also full of love.

Even with all the shit that goes on in my life and all the turmoil in my head, i am still very blessed, yesterday and today i feel it especially.
I have a wonderful daughter -that's the same age as the kids of yesterdays horror story, which i guess is why it hit home so hard.
I have Sir that is always thinking of me, helping me as much as he can -and as much as i let him (i know, i know, spare me the spiel please). He loves me and cares for me regardless of all the shit i come with. He tries his best and puts me before a lot else that is important too. I love him. Sometimes i forget just how much, but i do, and right now i'm feeling it deeply. Seems i'm a bit emotional at the moment.
Not a feeling i'm overly familiar with. I have mixed feelings about that; it feels like a blessing to actually f e e l emotional, at the same time as i'm not so comfortable with beeing emotional, if that makes sense.

Damned, feel drained already. Maybe i should try to go sleep, since it's way past my bed time as it is (i did notify Sir of that via mail for those of you who wonder ;) ). Speaking of, Sir is away on business and will be hard reached over the next few days, i will miss him. No, i miss him. Soon it will be back to normal for a little while though, until xmas when he'll be away again. On the upside he is coming to spend New Years with me =) Yep, he'll be here for a week! It's another milestone in our relationship you could say, it will be a first seasonal holiday spent together. "Next year Christmas", Sir's words....just carrying a slight hint of admonishing in it, but that i deserve. But yes please Sir, next year Xmas. Absolutely fine by me!
And TB is as excited about Sir coming as i am -she's absolutely exuberant about it! =) He's got a real fan there. I'm happy to say, it would be a pain if it was the opposite, which i thought would be more likely to be honest. But she adores Sir, and for that i am happy. I'm sure she'll wrap him around here little finger just as easily as she does everyone else =P

Sir, you be safe in your travels now -you have 2 very expectant ladies waiting for you!

Dunno where these ramblings lead or even if it's what's in my head (haha that rhymed!) but i feel a bit quieter now. Let's see if it's still the case once the computer is off and it's time to try to sleep again.

But for you guys it's au revoir!

The post i wrote the other day, when i was still at Master's house, the post that disappeared, it was about me withdrawing, putting walls back up.

Why? Mostly because of annoyance and friction over standing issues i think.

In having my (very valid) concerns ignored i have felt....disrespected. Or more..hmmm....left out, made less important. I've felt Him being inconsiderate of me. I dunno, i guess i've felt like that if He don't care about how He lives, then He don't care about how He live with me (not logistically, but from a relationship pov), or if He lives with me. How it would affect me if something would happen to Him. He might not care, and sit and hope for the best, but i do. Yes, i hope for the best too, but i also fear for the worst. Every day. And then when i got annoyed (on a specific occasion) and actually opened my mouth about it (quite crudly and offensive i can admit to -which obviously isn't OK) He actually laughed about it. He laughed! That's when i went from annoyed to pissed. Really pissed. And the rest of that lunch, well His whole lunch hour really, was spent in suffocating silence and awkwardness. You see, i can't hide what i'm feeling very well. Even if i try i can't really mask it. You know how some people can be really annoyed or angry or frustrated, and no one else even notices? I'm not one of those people. My feelings vibrate from me like electricity, and anyone around me will be able to feel it's current.

This subject is recurring, like on a daily basis, and it was grinding on me and starting to overflow into something unmanageable.

That together with bad habits annoying me (not that difficult to get annoyed when you're already wound up about something is it?) and it's made for an argumentative, sometimes sarcastic, and very unsubmissive subbie. Add to that feelings of being lost, un-anchored, from not being dominated and well you have a recipe for a disaster really.

After about a week Sir said it was time for maintenance -finally!

Only, even here it wasn't said with much authority, but more in a questioning way. So that kinda took the effect from it. When the day for it rolled around i even considered not being ready for Him, with implements out, as He had told me to be. Now, i didn't do that of course. I might be untactful and sullen, but not outright disobedient. So i showered and shaved for Him and chose implements to put out. Yeah, you read right: i chose! Because He'd only mentioned one implement and that was The Meany. I brought out the paddle brush, the shoe horn (oh how i despise it! Which is exactly the reason i brought it out), a leather belt, the carbon fiber "cane" and, of course, The Meany. For those of you that don't know TM it's a crop with a very large rubber double-slapper. And it is quite heavy. Can hurt like hell and leaves mean marks. If you search for it there's a picture of it somewhere around the blog.

I positioned myself on the bed, kneeling, and awaited His arrival.

Maintenance didn't go all that well, not at all like i think either of us had imagined at least. He started off heavy, me still kneeling, ass out, arms above head with my face in the pillow. And he went out hard. I got annoyed. It felt more like punishment than maintenance. Which is fine -if it's labelled as punishment. Not when it's called maintenance. Then that's what i expect. More of a build up. This went all out from the beginning. So when He asked if i thought i deserved it (the maintenance) i said -"Yes, but i also think i deserve a warm up first!"

This seemed to catch Him a bit off guard. Apparently He didn't think He was being so heavy, and said that it wasn't as heavy as we used to do. In my head i was cursing that there's a difference between maintenance, play and punishment. WTF Had He completely forgotten this?? What is wrong with Him? Fine. *sulking* Go on...i'll take it -but just know i am not happy about it! (Yeah, like i said: in my head not over my lips!)

He became gentler and started warming up. Only again, it didn't feel like a gentle warm up, it felt heavy handed -like play (i sure got warm though). And guess what? Yeah, you got it right, it annoyed me. But i took it in silence. Then TM appeared once again. And i felt 3 hard strikes; one on each lovehandle (fcuk them hurts!) and one just at the beginning of my butt crack (yeah that hurts like a #%@*¤ too). I felt overwhelmed. I gritted my teeth hard but managed to get out a -"Pause!". Maybe it was too muffled by the pillow, i dunno, but He didn't hear it. So i said, louder this time -"stop!", again He didn't hear. -"I SAID PAUSE!!" Angry now, and tears welling in my eyes, both from anger and pain, teeth gritting. This time He heard me, and He stopped. He waited. After a little while (a minute maybe) i said that i was OK and that He could go on. Didn't hear. (Yeah i was getting pissed off about that too! Again in my head the conversation was going something like: wtf has He gone deaf?! Or is He plainly just not listening? FFS!!). I said again,

-"You can go on now". yeah, still no response.

-"Go ahead(!)"

Now He got pissed! (wtf?!?).

-"melinda, you don't give commands here!"

Now it was my time to get stumped.

"I wasn't Sir! I said Pause....so when i was ready i un-paused. i was just letting you know i was ready! What was i supposed to say?!"

He said that i should've asked for more. But i was the one to pause it? Not from Him not wanting to go on. So in my head He hadn't chosen to stop, i had indicated i needed to collect myself. So i thought i should tell Him when i was ready for Him to resume. Resume His activity. Seems we didn't really understand each other there. But anyhow He resumed. He changed over to the belt. For some reason i actually like the belt! It was still difficult though and i was actually crying now (into the pillow, not sure Sir actually noticed at this point). A few lashes later He asked me if i'd had enough.

-"no Sir".

I got another two. Same question again. Conversation in my head? Stop fucking asking and just get on with it will you!

Over my lips: -"No Sir!"

Another couple.

-"Had enough now? Has it gotten through to you yet?"

-"No, Sir. *sniffle* No."

-"you need more? you haven't understood yet?"

-"i need more Sir". I got another couple and then He stopped. I wasn't ready for Him to stop, but He refused to keep on. I think that made me cry more than the actual pain had. And it didn't make me less agitated either. Wtf? I need this! I need more! He bloody well wants to have me cry! We've worked on it before, talked about it plenty, and now when i do He bloody well STOPS?! I WANT MORE! What about that don't you get??

No, i didn't actually say that. I cried silently into the pillow, well silent apart from a few occasional sniffles. He cuddled me. I didn't want cuddles. I wanted pain. Pain and Dominance. Apparently He thought i was breaking down. Going into sub-drop or something. (Eeeh NO, you have to actually reach SPACE before you drop *duh!*) I told Him He needn't worry about me, i was just fine. Which i was, apart from being disappointed. But i wasn't dropping or crashing or breaking down. We cuddled for a bit. Mostly in silence. I didn't feel like talking. I felt subdued. Not as in settled, just...processing i guess. I kept telling Him i was fine and that He needn't worry -and i meant it! I wasn't just placating Him. I really was OK. I just wanted silence and be still that's all. I think i kept subdued for the rest of the evening. Maybe even into the next day.

There was no more maintenance after that. Or play. Nor punishment.

Just Vanilla.

Too much Vanilla.

As much as i love the Vanilla part of us, i have great difficulty in staying submissive and Vanilla at the same time. Without Dominance i am not very submissive, at all. I was quite obnoxious at times actually. I don't mean to be. The stuff He was doing or not doing) was getting on my nerves though, and as i said i'm not the best at hiding it. It's a normal part of a relationship to get annoyed with each other's bad habits and ways of doing things that don't agree with our own. I'm sure Sir feels the same about me about something. This is where Dominance comes in and can put all that to rest. Well, ok maybe not to rest, but maybe keep it from spinning out of control.

Fortunately Sir knows i get worked up about His health stuff because i care. Because i love Him. That don't make my behaviour acceptable though and should've, in my opinion, been stopped in it's tracks. Before it becomes a runaway train -they're very difficult to halt!

Before i end this post i want to make something clear: The maintenance was not more than i could take. If you read it properly you noticed i wanted more. It just wasn't what i thought it would be. What i wanted (to start with). So that was actually quite bad of me.

And i'm not moaning ~~-ok maybe i am a little- but~~ i don't want anyone to think it was all bad, because it wasn't! We had some lovely times. But my mindset was all wrong so i felt out of sorts. I wasn't being myself and so there was a lot more friction than normal. I also want to apologize to Sir for that: I'm sorry Sir. I'm sorry for behaving obnoxiously and not being a good subbie to you. And for not communicating with you. But as you said: i don't make commands here. So if you don't feel dominant, or for some reason don't want to be, then that is your prerogative and your choice. I don't decide that. i don't have to like the choice -BUT i shouldn't act like i did. So again: Sir, i'm sorry.

I guess we're gonna be having one of them talks i dislike so much? Ugh!

I want You to know one more thing Sir: i love you. Even though i misbehave and act out and get frustrated and annoyed. I still always love you. That never changes. I need You to remember that. Will You, please?

OK, this is where i stop pouring my heart out in confession and start regretting writing this and doubting if i should post it, while knowing i probably will do either way.

Now i'll go hide behind the sofa! Or at least under the duvet, hoping to actually manage to sleep (and wake up having forgotten to post it, or that i have posted it, if that is the case).

Signing off now.

-Over & Out-

When good subbies behave bad

OK, so i promised you guys some update about me being here with Brutus. I'll give you one, not the best most positive one but you will get the honest one fresh in my memory.

This morning i have mostly been pottering about, doing small bits and pieces like organizing stuff in the bedside cabinets, a bit of dishes and stuff like that. Like a good subbie do (although maybe a good subbie would've done quite a bit more?). Anyways, i prepared lunch and put it in the oven when i heard His car driving into the garage, so that He wouldn't have to wait more than a few minutes for it. All good, right? Except that as soon as He gets in the door He does something to piss me off. Yes, health related, no need to go into details.
I know what most of you will say now: He's the boss, it's His choice, His prerogative blah blah blah....
I don't agree. Yes, maybe as His subbie i don't have anything to say about it, bit i happen to also be His partner, and as such i do think i have the right to concern myself with it -and yes even get angry about it!
And angry i was. Now the thing with this little girl here is that she really can't mask anything at all very well. And you know how some people can keep in that energy that flows from you when you feel strongly? Not this one!
I was angry and i wasn't hiding it very well at all. Although the things i said was perfectly valid i could've been more humble with my words -i'm as blunt as can be most of the time! *sigh*
I didn't mean to hurt His feelings, or His pride, or to offend Him in anyway. But this is a long standing issue and i am having great difficulty with not letting it spill over.

The lunch was eaten mostly in a suffocating silence, with me averting my eyes from not only Him, but the table in general (like i said i can't hide anything and when i'm angry my eyes glow green as the Hulk himself).

I tried breaking it by asking how His morning had been. His five word long reply ended that conversation, and it was back to the suffocating silence again. After a few minutes i couldn't stand it any longer so i asked about dinner -sure fire subject to get Him engaged! Yeah, i'm being snarky and sarcastic, i realize that -in fact i think i have been a fair bit recently! *ashamed* Yes, i am ashamed, but i won't take the full blame for it. Tonight there will be maintenance -apparently i need it! (No shit Sherlock) We'll see how that goes. It was also said to be a lot of D/s and BDSM going on this time round, there's been none. Apart from me wearing the collar and sleeping chained to the bed with the leash, so yeah that (which i have to admit i like!).

The fact that i'm PMSy and slept incredibly badly last night don't help.

The rest of Sir's lunch hour was....let's say pretty stiff. Not at all like we usually have it with cuddles on the sofa.
I have to admit i am still peeved though. It will probably take me a while not to be, because this issue is a really big deal to me and it feels like He doesn't give a shit about it. I know that's not entirely true, but in His inaction it effectively makes it so.

I'm sorry, i'm spewing gall and probably saying a lot of stuff i shouldn't, but hey what's new?

Now i'll take my still-slightly-shaky hands and revved up pulse and go lay in the sun on the balcony.
Might as well enjoy it while i don't have a bruised arse to hide, right?!

Catch you guys later.

Altercations of the public kind

I just had an altercation with a to me perfect stranger (and perfect he thought he was! At least compared to me...but hey what's new?).
Me and TB had a lovely day at the beach today -it was great fun! More fun than we've had in a long while. But of course it didn't end that way. While i'm packing away our stuff she sits on her ball and i tell her not too -several times. I explain that it will ruin the ball. She keeps kicking away the ball into the area where the swings are, even though i tell her not to, again several times. She wants an ice cream. She's trying to blackmail me into getting her one. I tell her, as we're walking over the grass, to not kick her ball. Firstly it's not a football and secondly i said there could be dog poo around so don't kick it about. She was still arguing about her ice cream. I tried to explain to her that the "if i get an ice cream i'll be good all day", or the "if i don't get an ice cream i will misbehave all day" don't work. I explain that you get stuff when you behave and are good not the other way around.
She keeps kicking the ball. I'm angry. She kicks it out in the street so it ends up under a car; i get pissed off. Now, i have a very loud voice, well rather it's very...carrying. When i raise my voice ppl hear it no matter what. Yes, i shouted at her. A lot. I said stupid things. I do both way too much, i'm aware of that.
We walked to the bus stop. On the way there we argue some more, i still shout and she's still misbehaving and i'm pissed. And fed up. She keeps dragging her feet and i don't want to mis the bus (that i don't know when it's coming). She's walking far behind me so i shouted, actyually not really angrily, more impatiently. We get to the bus stop and a car pulls in on the other side of the street. A man gets out and walks with purposeful strides towards me. He stops me and starts talking to me about that he's just seen the whole thing and how terrible i am. I say thank you for your observation we'll manage just fine thank you. He's not having it. He goes on about how wrong i am, how degrading it must have been for my daughter to get shouted at publicly, about the communication staircase and on and on. Now i tell him i know i do wrong, i know that it's not the right way to behave with a child. I also tell him he don't know the whole story. He feels it necessary to tell me that some woman actually started crying from seeing me shouting at my child (i mean really?! do people really do that? OK, i know it was bad behaviour, but as i told the man it's not like i was standing beating her!). Again i told him i understood him and asked what he actually wanted from me. He made his point, i heard it, now what? He looked at me as if i came from Mars. I said i know what you're saying but what do you actually want from me now? You said i should speak to her but what do _you_ actually want? He even asked TB what she felt when i shouted at her. Didn't she feel like this or that? She actually looked at him and said no *lol*. Sorry i know it's not funny really, but the look of surprise on his face kinda was.
I told him that maybe i wasn't perfect, maybe i didn't do right but i do my best. He didn't have much to say to that. Finally he left and i asked TB if she was OK. Her reply? "yeah, why you asking?" again *lol even though it shouldn't be funny*
When we came home i spoke to her about it. I asked if she understood what the man wanted, what he was talking about -she hadn't. I tried to explain to her that he thought i had mistreated her. She said "i don't" -i know, that's the wrong reply and it implies a lot! And you're all right. I know that. I also spoke to her about it, asking her if she was OK, told her i love her even if i get angry and shout at her. She said she knows. I asked if we're OK, she was stumped; "what do you mean?". I asked if we're ok,she was like "what you and me?", "yes", i said, "you and me? Friends?" And of course we are. She didn't really understand the issue (again, yes i know! But it also shows she doesn't take it as badly as ppl think!). I think it's really good that people dare speak up when they think they see something wrong -most people don't, which the guy actually pointed out. I speak up too. But people also have to remember that they don't know the whole story and they don't see the whole picture. They don't know the circumstances and conditions that apply. They don't know what conditions there are for communication, behaviour and interaction between two people. They just don't know the full story. Like he said "the aggression from you was palpable". Yes, i know that. It's one of my many issues -which i'm working on! But if you turn it around; was it not better that that aggression was verbal than physical? Yes, of course both are bad! But one is significantly worse than the other one. And i work on doing neither.
My daughter knows i love her. My daughter knows i lash out. She knows i don't react as i should. She also knows i try, that i do my best. She may only be 6 years old, but she knows.

I want to make clear that i'm not writing this for sympathy or to get someone "on my side", in fact i know this post will probably shock and horrify as many readers as on lookers at trhe beach. I'm writing this to get it out of my head. And to share the message that people really should intervene if they see something they think is wrong -but remember also that you don't know it all! Try to remember that your reality isn't always the same as everyone else's. Yours might be better, it doesn't mean others don't do the best they can with what they have to work with.
So try to judge with an open mind.

But saying that kinda is the same as this:

If i have any readers left still i want to apologize for coming back from hiatus with this negative vanilla story, but sometimes reality is just like that.

I'll try to be back soon with something......better.

Ramblings in the dark of night

i don't even know where to begin. People often reply to that with a "at the beginning...", but what if you don't know where the beginning is?

I don't know where the beginning is, it's a bit like the chicken and the hen.

So I'll go with starting with the now.

Now....

Right now i feel lost. Disenfranchised. Detached. Irritable. Defensive. Maybe even a bit sad.

I'm sad because i don't want to feel this way. I want to turn to my submission and Sir when i feel lost, not away.

I want to wrap myself in the cocoon of safety i feel in it. With Him. Instead i turn inside myself. I seem argumentative. Obnoxious. And i am, i know i am. And i hate it. I don't want it like that.

I'm lost in some kind of twilight zone in between Vanilla and D/s. There's only one kind of Twilight that's good and it involves Robert Pattinson :-P

This however, this twilight is just confusing.

It's messing with my head and makes me feel lost and rootless. Like i'm not at home in either worlds.

I've come to realise how much i need Dominance. I need it to not float away into the abyss, get lost in myself. But also to be in touch with myself at the same time. The difference being not forgetting myself while getting absorbed in others, but not retreat inside myself either. If that makes sense.

I know i should talk to Brutus about this, but it's difficult. Not so much letting Him in (although it is an issue i have, not with Him specifically, in fact the least with Him, but in general). It's just that i can only put it into words when they come to me, like now. And always in writing. As i've said so many times before; my realizations come through my writing not the other way around.

The thing is there's so much going on just now that i don't even know where to begin.

I don't know what to do. What is right? What is most important? When should i do what? Like i said; confused. Lost. Floating more than being anchored.

I know this is probably not the most well written post i've done, i just needed to vent. Now, now I'll try to join Brutus in sleep.

Till next time....

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Harrumph!

Bad mood.

Annoyed.

Tired.

Back home again. Flight was good, even landed ½ hour early. Airport shuttle not as good -same horrid, obnoxious woman and child on it as last time i flew from Sir! How is that even possible? *lol*

Bags were heavy, was a nuisance to get home.
But it was gonna be nice coming home to my newly renovated flat. Or so i thought!
Bathroom is done.
What was supposed to be done in the kitchen is done.

The living room was supposed to be painted and wall papers put up this week past so that it was to be finished by yesterday. And what do i come home to?
A uncompleted room with buckets of plaster and shit standing around -yes, that's all that's been done to it so far -the plastering!
Grrrrrrr......

And to top it all off i'm out of coffee.
So now i sit in my daughter's bed (from which i had to remove everything we own that had to be removed from the other rooms!) having just eaten some risotto and having a glass of red.
Thinking of napping for a bit. I'm tired.

I'll probably be back a bit later, hopefully in a better mood and with something worth writing about.

Remember these from back in the day?
~ Nostalgia ~

It's never ending!!

It's 2 steps forward 3 steps back -constantly!

Thought i was getting better now i feel feverish again =(

I just want to get well and go to the bleeding gym!
I want the flat to be done!
I want....
I want....
I want a lot of things.

This is not the time for them apparently *sigh*

Sorry just spewing gall and moaning -just ignore me.... I'm trying to! *LOL*

Vanilla fumes

I'm so pissed off I have steam coming out of my ears and I just want to tell the whole world to fuck off and leave me the fuck ALONE!!

I'm sick of being......of being....stomped on and I'm just supposed to swallow it all! Well not supposed to, but have to.