Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Altercations of the public kind
I just had an altercation with a to me perfect stranger (and perfect he thought he was! At least compared to me...but hey what's new?).
Me and TB had a lovely day at the beach today -it was great fun! More fun than we've had in a long while. But of course it didn't end that way. While i'm packing away our stuff she sits on her ball and i tell her not too -several times. I explain that it will ruin the ball. She keeps kicking away the ball into the area where the swings are, even though i tell her not to, again several times. She wants an ice cream. She's trying to blackmail me into getting her one. I tell her, as we're walking over the grass, to not kick her ball. Firstly it's not a football and secondly i said there could be dog poo around so don't kick it about. She was still arguing about her ice cream. I tried to explain to her that the "if i get an ice cream i'll be good all day", or the "if i don't get an ice cream i will misbehave all day" don't work. I explain that you get stuff when you behave and are good not the other way around.
She keeps kicking the ball. I'm angry. She kicks it out in the street so it ends up under a car; i get pissed off. Now, i have a very loud voice, well rather it's very...carrying. When i raise my voice ppl hear it no matter what. Yes, i shouted at her. A lot. I said stupid things. I do both way too much, i'm aware of that.
We walked to the bus stop. On the way there we argue some more, i still shout and she's still misbehaving and i'm pissed. And fed up. She keeps dragging her feet and i don't want to mis the bus (that i don't know when it's coming). She's walking far behind me so i shouted, actyually not really angrily, more impatiently. We get to the bus stop and a car pulls in on the other side of the street. A man gets out and walks with purposeful strides towards me. He stops me and starts talking to me about that he's just seen the whole thing and how terrible i am. I say thank you for your observation we'll manage just fine thank you. He's not having it. He goes on about how wrong i am, how degrading it must have been for my daughter to get shouted at publicly, about the communication staircase and on and on. Now i tell him i know i do wrong, i know that it's not the right way to behave with a child. I also tell him he don't know the whole story. He feels it necessary to tell me that some woman actually started crying from seeing me shouting at my child (i mean really?! do people really do that? OK, i know it was bad behaviour, but as i told the man it's not like i was standing beating her!). Again i told him i understood him and asked what he actually wanted from me. He made his point, i heard it, now what? He looked at me as if i came from Mars. I said i know what you're saying but what do you actually want from me now? You said i should speak to her but what do _you_ actually want? He even asked TB what she felt when i shouted at her. Didn't she feel like this or that? She actually looked at him and said no *lol*. Sorry i know it's not funny really, but the look of surprise on his face kinda was.
I told him that maybe i wasn't perfect, maybe i didn't do right but i do my best. He didn't have much to say to that. Finally he left and i asked TB if she was OK. Her reply? "yeah, why you asking?" again *lol even though it shouldn't be funny*
When we came home i spoke to her about it. I asked if she understood what the man wanted, what he was talking about -she hadn't. I tried to explain to her that he thought i had mistreated her. She said "i don't" -i know, that's the wrong reply and it implies a lot! And you're all right. I know that. I also spoke to her about it, asking her if she was OK, told her i love her even if i get angry and shout at her. She said she knows. I asked if we're OK, she was stumped; "what do you mean?". I asked if we're ok,she was like "what you and me?", "yes", i said, "you and me? Friends?" And of course we are. She didn't really understand the issue (again, yes i know! But it also shows she doesn't take it as badly as ppl think!). I think it's really good that people dare speak up when they think they see something wrong -most people don't, which the guy actually pointed out. I speak up too. But people also have to remember that they don't know the whole story and they don't see the whole picture. They don't know the circumstances and conditions that apply. They don't know what conditions there are for communication, behaviour and interaction between two people. They just don't know the full story. Like he said "the aggression from you was palpable". Yes, i know that. It's one of my many issues -which i'm working on! But if you turn it around; was it not better that that aggression was verbal than physical? Yes, of course both are bad! But one is significantly worse than the other one. And i work on doing neither.
My daughter knows i love her. My daughter knows i lash out. She knows i don't react as i should. She also knows i try, that i do my best. She may only be 6 years old, but she knows.
I want to make clear that i'm not writing this for sympathy or to get someone "on my side", in fact i know this post will probably shock and horrify as many readers as on lookers at trhe beach. I'm writing this to get it out of my head. And to share the message that people really should intervene if they see something they think is wrong -but remember also that you don't know it all! Try to remember that your reality isn't always the same as everyone else's. Yours might be better, it doesn't mean others don't do the best they can with what they have to work with.
So try to judge with an open mind.
I'll try to be back soon with something......better.
With love,
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