Showing posts with label Vanilla. Show all posts

Quickie

On my way to bed so this will be a really quick one (sorry to disappoint your dirty minds! No such luck!).

Tomorrow i sit my first exam. Programming. i don't have a habit of being nervous but have to admit i am a bit. My studies have not been the best organized. i may have gotten top grades on everything -it's just i dunno how i've worked it!!

Well, around 2pm tomorrow my time (UCT+1) maybe you could send me some good vibes?

iD Programming Academy - Advanced Programming for the Java AP Exam

WISH ME LUCK -I'M GONNA NEED IT!

I'm IN!

Yay i got in!!

Yep, March 18th i get my geek-hat on and start to study to become a Programmer *grins*

And today i was on a seminar that Adobe held here in Stockholm, about Adobe Creative Cloud -was soooo kewl! Just to sound a bit extra geeky =P

But then again...

Reminiscing and feeling bad

Just stumbled upon this old picture, from May 2011, and i have to admit it looked kinda nice (not that i thought so at the time). A lot of gym was done after that as well....all that hard work is gone though -not a chance i'd get in that now! Was a struggle that broke a sweat back then, now impossible =(

That feels kinda shitty. Seriously need to get a grip.

Luckily it's soon New Years which tends to bring resolutions right?

;)

i was sitting at the doorway under the flagpole

Yesterday i was at the Twilight marathon at the cinema - all 5 movies consecutively! And all i have to say about Breaking Dawn Part 2 is WOW! OMFG! and GO SEE IT!! It is AMAZING!

I stood queuing for 2½hrs before the doors opened (so i was lucky and only had around 100 peeps before me -that means about 600 behind me =P), then it was 10hrs of movies + breaks and so on. I got home at 4am this morning.
Only downside was that i had agonizing stomach cramps from like the 3rd movie onwards -but that didn't deter me from staying till the end ;)

It is sooooo good! Beyond anything you could have thought about it beforehand.

Go see it!

To all you non-Twilighters out there: sorry for the ramble =P

Sometimes i'm just so dense

Yep it's a fact!

Sometimes my memory don't last longer than my nose -and i have a small button nose! *lol*
You think you'd remember something you've gone through several times before -or at least slightly recognize it!

But nope...not this one!

What am i talking about? I've fucked up my meds again! Been having withdrawal symptoms -and stupid me didn't really realize until they stopped! *doh!*

One dose -or rather one accurate dose- later and i feel as new again!

Sometimes i feel like i have an IQ of a goldfish and not one above average *LOL*

Anyways...happy to say the evening had a great turn around -maybe i can stop feeling like a junkie going through withdrawal (yeah you'd think that would've been a big enough clue! *Head desk* *LOL*)

If You’re Brave Enough To Let Go Of Your Past…

"If this is the moment I stand here on my own

If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home

I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave

If this is the last chance before we say goodbye

At least it's the first day of the rest of my life

I can't be afraid, 'cause it's my turn to be brave"

that's the chorus to a song that's been referenced in a fan fic i've been reading (yes, i'm back on that! shame on me). It's a very angsty and at times quite dark story. At one time (like almost 2 years ago now) i had to stop reading it. It was too much....like me. Those of you that have been with me for some time know i have issues and that the last 2 years have been very up & down.

Damn i had this post all worked out!

Hmm actually i think i mentioned it recently; the issue with my dad and his death. Or rather the issue of going to the cemetery. Soon it's been 10 years since he died. I've been there twice since. Once, the first, was when my nana past (dad's mum), the service was in the same place. I didn't linger. Second time was a bit more recent, 6 months maybe?, after i moved here anyways -which happens to be very close to the cemetery btw *sigh*.

Anyways i think i'm rambling. Point of the story is that in the fic the girl goes to her mother's grave for the first time. There she sings this song. I read it yesterday. I listened to the song. I listened to the song today, re-read some of the chapter, listened to the song again, and decided that i too would be brave.
Hyperventilating i downloaded the song to my phone, grabbed my headphones, pulled my hoody over my head, shoes on my feet, pulled on jacket, grabbed keys and left the house.
And....oh i forgot to tell you about the second time! *Eye roll*
Anyways i was walking/jogging to nursery to pick TB up, the road leads me past the cemetery, and i decided to run through it, trying to stop by the memorial grounds on the way. If i stayed a minute i'd be surprised. Panic attack and i fled running.

But you know what? I did it! Today i fucking did it!

I pulled on my headphones, choosing to listen to the very same song as mentioned above

and walked there -and STAYED!

i was gonna write so much more, of how the sun shone at significant moments, and of how i strayed from my way home and ended up on the cliffs, every song heard and every moment spent making pieces fall into place. But it's not really there any more. So i'll leave you here, with this very beautiful, and to me empowering, song.
It wasn't easy, but it was good.

I'm good.

Blargh!

**** Warning: This will be a very Vanilla post! ****

(but what's new lately?)

Today is just one of them days. You know the ones you just want to back over with a big fuck off truck? Yeah, one of them days!

Just one thing after another -or no, actually not even that -it was a full 3-in-1 strike.

Took a waaay too long nap in the morning (that turned into afternoon!), woke up from a dream that a spider landed on my leg (Yes, i could actually feel it!) -when i say woke up i mean panic. I hadn't had coffee yet (yeah that alone is bad), and cause i went straight to bed after school drop-off i'd forgotten to take my meds. Meds and coffee isn't the best combo at the best of times. Add that to the fact that a letter from the stupid bank telling me that they'd had one of my dad's yearly statements returned to them by the post and so they'd noticed he's actually not alive. Yeah no shit Sherlock he's been dead for almost 10 YEARS!!

Idiots.

And yes i have unresolved issues about that. Not the bank but my dad *lol*

Decided to try to get hold off my dad's ex-wife, the mother of 2 of my sisters, and although it wasn't really hostile it wasn't really warming either. And i feel this from several directions in my family. A sense of being excluded. I know i've been really bad at staying in touch but....i dunno...i'm just being soppy and over-sensitive today.

Although i'm not imagining the excluding part, it just hasn't upset me as much in the past, i guess i haven't really looked at it before.

i'm seeing more and more as the fog is lifting though.

Anyways just blabbering.

I'll leave you alone now.

Bye!

Better days

Today has been quite good =)

- Especially compared to yesterday!

Från årsskiftet ska kapaciteten på tunnelbanans gröna linje utökas med hjälp av autopilot.

Yesterday i missed my tube by 5 seconds, which meant 9 mins waiting. I forgot to get off the tube and didn't even notice until four stations after!!

(Yes, you're allowed to laugh!)

So, i had to get off the tube and go back. Only the train going back the other way left the station just as we pulled in. What does that mean?

7 mins waiting. So instead of being slightly late, as i would've been, i was 45 mins late to my course(!).

Did it end there? Of course not!

I also managed to ruin the majority of all the work i'd done at the course! Or at least so i thought.

So how has today been better? Well, i didn't miss a single tube, i was only 15 mins late to my course ( =P ), which is completely overshadowed by the fact that not only did i fix yesterdays damage -i improved on it too! *grins*

A tad proud actually. It's really basic and just a shell really, but i have done it myself =D

If i didn't like this template so much i might've changed it, but i do, so as it is i keep tinkering with it to the best of my ability -which is not easy with a template made for Wordpress, adjusted for Blogger, but with old invalid code. So i hope you have patience with me! = D

However, i have taken the opinions in the poll to heart and i hope you can see some improvements. I'm really happy for people voting, it would be lovely if more did so, and even better if you were to specify what you dis/like.

Now it's time for dinner!

So long!

Pride

i know i'm supposed to go sleep now (just signed off from chat with Sir), but i really need to write this.

After having spoken over the last few days about the health stuff that concerns me Sir has actually taken action! And i know He hasn't read my post, the previous one, so that isn't it.
He's followed my directions for caring for a wound He has and He's actually taken it upon Himself to make some healthier choices for Himself over the past cpl of days. And i am so proud of Him = D
*grins*
Baby-steps. Every little counts and opening one's eyes are the first step. And Sir has taken several. I am really proud of Him for doing something about it, i know how difficult it is to get started -that's always the hardest part! And it fills me with pride and joy that He is making the effort to do so.

I'll be right along side Him every baby-step of the way -even if i have do to it mainly from a distance.

Baby-steps Sir. Baby-steps that can lead to leaps and bounds =D
i am hoping to share every step, every leap and every bound with You Sir -
i love You!

The post i wrote the other day, when i was still at Master's house, the post that disappeared, it was about me withdrawing, putting walls back up.

Why? Mostly because of annoyance and friction over standing issues i think.

In having my (very valid) concerns ignored i have felt....disrespected. Or more..hmmm....left out, made less important. I've felt Him being inconsiderate of me. I dunno, i guess i've felt like that if He don't care about how He lives, then He don't care about how He live with me (not logistically, but from a relationship pov), or if He lives with me. How it would affect me if something would happen to Him. He might not care, and sit and hope for the best, but i do. Yes, i hope for the best too, but i also fear for the worst. Every day. And then when i got annoyed (on a specific occasion) and actually opened my mouth about it (quite crudly and offensive i can admit to -which obviously isn't OK) He actually laughed about it. He laughed! That's when i went from annoyed to pissed. Really pissed. And the rest of that lunch, well His whole lunch hour really, was spent in suffocating silence and awkwardness. You see, i can't hide what i'm feeling very well. Even if i try i can't really mask it. You know how some people can be really annoyed or angry or frustrated, and no one else even notices? I'm not one of those people. My feelings vibrate from me like electricity, and anyone around me will be able to feel it's current.

This subject is recurring, like on a daily basis, and it was grinding on me and starting to overflow into something unmanageable.

That together with bad habits annoying me (not that difficult to get annoyed when you're already wound up about something is it?) and it's made for an argumentative, sometimes sarcastic, and very unsubmissive subbie. Add to that feelings of being lost, un-anchored, from not being dominated and well you have a recipe for a disaster really.

After about a week Sir said it was time for maintenance -finally!

Only, even here it wasn't said with much authority, but more in a questioning way. So that kinda took the effect from it. When the day for it rolled around i even considered not being ready for Him, with implements out, as He had told me to be. Now, i didn't do that of course. I might be untactful and sullen, but not outright disobedient. So i showered and shaved for Him and chose implements to put out. Yeah, you read right: i chose! Because He'd only mentioned one implement and that was The Meany. I brought out the paddle brush, the shoe horn (oh how i despise it! Which is exactly the reason i brought it out), a leather belt, the carbon fiber "cane" and, of course, The Meany. For those of you that don't know TM it's a crop with a very large rubber double-slapper. And it is quite heavy. Can hurt like hell and leaves mean marks. If you search for it there's a picture of it somewhere around the blog.

I positioned myself on the bed, kneeling, and awaited His arrival.

Maintenance didn't go all that well, not at all like i think either of us had imagined at least. He started off heavy, me still kneeling, ass out, arms above head with my face in the pillow. And he went out hard. I got annoyed. It felt more like punishment than maintenance. Which is fine -if it's labelled as punishment. Not when it's called maintenance. Then that's what i expect. More of a build up. This went all out from the beginning. So when He asked if i thought i deserved it (the maintenance) i said -"Yes, but i also think i deserve a warm up first!"

This seemed to catch Him a bit off guard. Apparently He didn't think He was being so heavy, and said that it wasn't as heavy as we used to do. In my head i was cursing that there's a difference between maintenance, play and punishment. WTF Had He completely forgotten this?? What is wrong with Him? Fine. *sulking* Go on...i'll take it -but just know i am not happy about it! (Yeah, like i said: in my head not over my lips!)

He became gentler and started warming up. Only again, it didn't feel like a gentle warm up, it felt heavy handed -like play (i sure got warm though). And guess what? Yeah, you got it right, it annoyed me. But i took it in silence. Then TM appeared once again. And i felt 3 hard strikes; one on each lovehandle (fcuk them hurts!) and one just at the beginning of my butt crack (yeah that hurts like a #%@*¤ too). I felt overwhelmed. I gritted my teeth hard but managed to get out a -"Pause!". Maybe it was too muffled by the pillow, i dunno, but He didn't hear it. So i said, louder this time -"stop!", again He didn't hear. -"I SAID PAUSE!!" Angry now, and tears welling in my eyes, both from anger and pain, teeth gritting. This time He heard me, and He stopped. He waited. After a little while (a minute maybe) i said that i was OK and that He could go on. Didn't hear. (Yeah i was getting pissed off about that too! Again in my head the conversation was going something like: wtf has He gone deaf?! Or is He plainly just not listening? FFS!!). I said again,

-"You can go on now". yeah, still no response.

-"Go ahead(!)"

Now He got pissed! (wtf?!?).

-"melinda, you don't give commands here!"

Now it was my time to get stumped.

"I wasn't Sir! I said Pause....so when i was ready i un-paused. i was just letting you know i was ready! What was i supposed to say?!"

He said that i should've asked for more. But i was the one to pause it? Not from Him not wanting to go on. So in my head He hadn't chosen to stop, i had indicated i needed to collect myself. So i thought i should tell Him when i was ready for Him to resume. Resume His activity. Seems we didn't really understand each other there. But anyhow He resumed. He changed over to the belt. For some reason i actually like the belt! It was still difficult though and i was actually crying now (into the pillow, not sure Sir actually noticed at this point). A few lashes later He asked me if i'd had enough.

-"no Sir".

I got another two. Same question again. Conversation in my head? Stop fucking asking and just get on with it will you!

Over my lips: -"No Sir!"

Another couple.

-"Had enough now? Has it gotten through to you yet?"

-"No, Sir. *sniffle* No."

-"you need more? you haven't understood yet?"

-"i need more Sir". I got another couple and then He stopped. I wasn't ready for Him to stop, but He refused to keep on. I think that made me cry more than the actual pain had. And it didn't make me less agitated either. Wtf? I need this! I need more! He bloody well wants to have me cry! We've worked on it before, talked about it plenty, and now when i do He bloody well STOPS?! I WANT MORE! What about that don't you get??

No, i didn't actually say that. I cried silently into the pillow, well silent apart from a few occasional sniffles. He cuddled me. I didn't want cuddles. I wanted pain. Pain and Dominance. Apparently He thought i was breaking down. Going into sub-drop or something. (Eeeh NO, you have to actually reach SPACE before you drop *duh!*) I told Him He needn't worry about me, i was just fine. Which i was, apart from being disappointed. But i wasn't dropping or crashing or breaking down. We cuddled for a bit. Mostly in silence. I didn't feel like talking. I felt subdued. Not as in settled, just...processing i guess. I kept telling Him i was fine and that He needn't worry -and i meant it! I wasn't just placating Him. I really was OK. I just wanted silence and be still that's all. I think i kept subdued for the rest of the evening. Maybe even into the next day.

There was no more maintenance after that. Or play. Nor punishment.

Just Vanilla.

Too much Vanilla.

As much as i love the Vanilla part of us, i have great difficulty in staying submissive and Vanilla at the same time. Without Dominance i am not very submissive, at all. I was quite obnoxious at times actually. I don't mean to be. The stuff He was doing or not doing) was getting on my nerves though, and as i said i'm not the best at hiding it. It's a normal part of a relationship to get annoyed with each other's bad habits and ways of doing things that don't agree with our own. I'm sure Sir feels the same about me about something. This is where Dominance comes in and can put all that to rest. Well, ok maybe not to rest, but maybe keep it from spinning out of control.

Fortunately Sir knows i get worked up about His health stuff because i care. Because i love Him. That don't make my behaviour acceptable though and should've, in my opinion, been stopped in it's tracks. Before it becomes a runaway train -they're very difficult to halt!

Before i end this post i want to make something clear: The maintenance was not more than i could take. If you read it properly you noticed i wanted more. It just wasn't what i thought it would be. What i wanted (to start with). So that was actually quite bad of me.

And i'm not moaning ~~-ok maybe i am a little- but~~ i don't want anyone to think it was all bad, because it wasn't! We had some lovely times. But my mindset was all wrong so i felt out of sorts. I wasn't being myself and so there was a lot more friction than normal. I also want to apologize to Sir for that: I'm sorry Sir. I'm sorry for behaving obnoxiously and not being a good subbie to you. And for not communicating with you. But as you said: i don't make commands here. So if you don't feel dominant, or for some reason don't want to be, then that is your prerogative and your choice. I don't decide that. i don't have to like the choice -BUT i shouldn't act like i did. So again: Sir, i'm sorry.

I guess we're gonna be having one of them talks i dislike so much? Ugh!

I want You to know one more thing Sir: i love you. Even though i misbehave and act out and get frustrated and annoyed. I still always love you. That never changes. I need You to remember that. Will You, please?

OK, this is where i stop pouring my heart out in confession and start regretting writing this and doubting if i should post it, while knowing i probably will do either way.

Now i'll go hide behind the sofa! Or at least under the duvet, hoping to actually manage to sleep (and wake up having forgotten to post it, or that i have posted it, if that is the case).

Signing off now.

-Over & Out-

Back home again

OK so i'm back home again as of yesterday. The welcoming was not so nice; cold and rainy, flight half hour late and getting stuck on the Motorway half way home from the airport =(
But considering 2 other Ryanair flights had to do emergency landings yesterday maybe i was lucky after all! *lol*
But i'm home now and i'm looking forward to getting my TB back home tonight. I've missed her.
Before then i have some housework to do (see Sir.... ;) )

My throat is sore...blah! hope i'm not getting sick again.
As of tomorrow it's new week and it's back to gym and being healthier, and school and what not. Back normal again.
Looking forward to it? Both yes and no. My back is still hurting :'(
Let's hope getting back into the swing of things help.

Now that housework awaits so i will catch you guys later for what will hopefully be a more extensive catch up.

Ciao for now!

Altercations of the public kind

I just had an altercation with a to me perfect stranger (and perfect he thought he was! At least compared to me...but hey what's new?).
Me and TB had a lovely day at the beach today -it was great fun! More fun than we've had in a long while. But of course it didn't end that way. While i'm packing away our stuff she sits on her ball and i tell her not too -several times. I explain that it will ruin the ball. She keeps kicking away the ball into the area where the swings are, even though i tell her not to, again several times. She wants an ice cream. She's trying to blackmail me into getting her one. I tell her, as we're walking over the grass, to not kick her ball. Firstly it's not a football and secondly i said there could be dog poo around so don't kick it about. She was still arguing about her ice cream. I tried to explain to her that the "if i get an ice cream i'll be good all day", or the "if i don't get an ice cream i will misbehave all day" don't work. I explain that you get stuff when you behave and are good not the other way around.
She keeps kicking the ball. I'm angry. She kicks it out in the street so it ends up under a car; i get pissed off. Now, i have a very loud voice, well rather it's very...carrying. When i raise my voice ppl hear it no matter what. Yes, i shouted at her. A lot. I said stupid things. I do both way too much, i'm aware of that.
We walked to the bus stop. On the way there we argue some more, i still shout and she's still misbehaving and i'm pissed. And fed up. She keeps dragging her feet and i don't want to mis the bus (that i don't know when it's coming). She's walking far behind me so i shouted, actyually not really angrily, more impatiently. We get to the bus stop and a car pulls in on the other side of the street. A man gets out and walks with purposeful strides towards me. He stops me and starts talking to me about that he's just seen the whole thing and how terrible i am. I say thank you for your observation we'll manage just fine thank you. He's not having it. He goes on about how wrong i am, how degrading it must have been for my daughter to get shouted at publicly, about the communication staircase and on and on. Now i tell him i know i do wrong, i know that it's not the right way to behave with a child. I also tell him he don't know the whole story. He feels it necessary to tell me that some woman actually started crying from seeing me shouting at my child (i mean really?! do people really do that? OK, i know it was bad behaviour, but as i told the man it's not like i was standing beating her!). Again i told him i understood him and asked what he actually wanted from me. He made his point, i heard it, now what? He looked at me as if i came from Mars. I said i know what you're saying but what do you actually want from me now? You said i should speak to her but what do _you_ actually want? He even asked TB what she felt when i shouted at her. Didn't she feel like this or that? She actually looked at him and said no *lol*. Sorry i know it's not funny really, but the look of surprise on his face kinda was.
I told him that maybe i wasn't perfect, maybe i didn't do right but i do my best. He didn't have much to say to that. Finally he left and i asked TB if she was OK. Her reply? "yeah, why you asking?" again *lol even though it shouldn't be funny*
When we came home i spoke to her about it. I asked if she understood what the man wanted, what he was talking about -she hadn't. I tried to explain to her that he thought i had mistreated her. She said "i don't" -i know, that's the wrong reply and it implies a lot! And you're all right. I know that. I also spoke to her about it, asking her if she was OK, told her i love her even if i get angry and shout at her. She said she knows. I asked if we're OK, she was stumped; "what do you mean?". I asked if we're ok,she was like "what you and me?", "yes", i said, "you and me? Friends?" And of course we are. She didn't really understand the issue (again, yes i know! But it also shows she doesn't take it as badly as ppl think!). I think it's really good that people dare speak up when they think they see something wrong -most people don't, which the guy actually pointed out. I speak up too. But people also have to remember that they don't know the whole story and they don't see the whole picture. They don't know the circumstances and conditions that apply. They don't know what conditions there are for communication, behaviour and interaction between two people. They just don't know the full story. Like he said "the aggression from you was palpable". Yes, i know that. It's one of my many issues -which i'm working on! But if you turn it around; was it not better that that aggression was verbal than physical? Yes, of course both are bad! But one is significantly worse than the other one. And i work on doing neither.
My daughter knows i love her. My daughter knows i lash out. She knows i don't react as i should. She also knows i try, that i do my best. She may only be 6 years old, but she knows.

I want to make clear that i'm not writing this for sympathy or to get someone "on my side", in fact i know this post will probably shock and horrify as many readers as on lookers at trhe beach. I'm writing this to get it out of my head. And to share the message that people really should intervene if they see something they think is wrong -but remember also that you don't know it all! Try to remember that your reality isn't always the same as everyone else's. Yours might be better, it doesn't mean others don't do the best they can with what they have to work with.
So try to judge with an open mind.

But saying that kinda is the same as this:

If i have any readers left still i want to apologize for coming back from hiatus with this negative vanilla story, but sometimes reality is just like that.

I'll try to be back soon with something......better.

They say "No pain -no gain!" (dang they weren't wrong about that!!)

6 years ago today i became a mum!

Then

Nah she was never that small! She was really tall actually, almost 54cm

Now

Gone are the days of Now is the age of

But she's my monster -and she can be kinda cute too, when she wants to ;)

Happy Painday to me

Happy Birthday to TB!

(although when this posts it's actually 23hrs and 49mins left till she was born, but thought she should have a birthday longer than 11mins *lol*)

Dialling

i had a really good post writing itself in my head this afternoon. It god disturbed by other.... let's say less pure thoughts *lol*
And as always with me; once thought it's erased from the hard drive =(

Had titel, some of the text, as well as images ready in my head. Not anymore. But i will attempt to write it anyways. It might feel a bit forced at first, because it will be, me forcing my thoughts to try to find their way back.

As you all know there's been a lot of vanilla between me and Brutus lately. I love it!
But i also miss the counterbalance. Yeah i guess that's exactly what i feel; imbalanced.
Everything we have done lately has been great -and was well needed and a very important part of our relationship development.
I love Brutus and i want Him to be part of everything in my life, not "just" the kinky parts. I want the whole Vanilla part too -it was great having Him here meeting my daughter, my family and my friends. It was so relaxed.
Well, overall it was. I can see a correlation between Vanilla and "brattyness" though. Not the Vanilla itself, but the lack of counterbalance that often comes with it.
It's taken awhile but i am slowly realizing just how much i need His Dominance. His control.
Our relationship has changed radically over the last year and i guess we kinda got a bit overwhelmed by it. Neither of us thought it would lead to this. Not this deep love that we hold for each other (i'm learning to handle the fact that it is reciprocated). So by no means do i wish that we didn't have this part of our relationship. I guess i just miss what was too. We'll get back to be more of both worlds though i am sure, neither of us can live without it, it's just been lying under the surface for a bit.

The big dial has been on us as a unit, as a couple. One of the small ones has been on D/s and the other one on daily life and supporting each other in it, as much as friends as anything.

Of course these 3 components should always be there, but i kinda need to make the big dial even bigger and fit in the D/s one there instead of it being on the side. I think we both do. But everything in life has it's time and it's cycles of different activity. I have no regrets, none at all -but i do think the (para)meters need to change a bit now.
To become more like this

More frequencies, more.... more layers. Or rather making the layers more parallel.
Vanilla outings. Being more strict. Meeting friends. Rules, discipline, behaviour. Being lovey-dovey. Being more courteous and respectful. Snuggling on the sofa watching a movie. Servicing. Asking permission. Going shopping. Tasks.
The list is endless, because we can have it all. We just have to be bilateral and 3Dimensional. Not neglect one or the other, even if they have different focus at different times.
I'm losing the grip on my submission and i'm starting to feel a bit lost, like i'm still in the harbour but not moored. It's not disappearing, i don't think that's possible, but i am losing my connection with it. And it shows in my behaviour -even if it's not bad, it's not brilliant either. And my attitude kinda suck.
It's easily handled though. As long as i am being handled. OK, so maybe not so easy then!

*LOL*

This is not a complaint, it's a..... a confirmation of loving what we have, a communication of a want and an explanation of my behaviour (by no means excusing it!).

I hope i haven't made a mess of it.

an average modern man

a complicated man
(aka The Dom)

An average woman

A (more) complicated woman

(aka The submissive)

melinda

(aka The Complicated subbie)

This is what my mind and body is asking me tonight.

We miss Sir.

(no, i'm not crazy! i don't have multiple personalities, just multiple parts of my personality =P)

We miss Him a lot.

But i realized something tonight whilst speaking with Sir online.

I was saying that we should be getting used to the parting by now.

"why does it feel like it becomes more and more difficult rather than something well practiced?"

i asked Him.

"it may become easier though melinda", He replied

and it hit me:

-maybe it shouldn't?

Suddenly i could see an upside to the hardship:

in the difficulty to part lay the strength to stay together.

If the parting was easy then it wouldn't be much pulling one back would it?

And this time we are only parted for a week! *grins*

For on Saturday Sir comes here! (God i hope everything is ready by then!)

So, we have another countdown already! And it says

then seven together.

Harrumph!

Bad mood.

Annoyed.

Tired.

Back home again. Flight was good, even landed ½ hour early. Airport shuttle not as good -same horrid, obnoxious woman and child on it as last time i flew from Sir! How is that even possible? *lol*

Bags were heavy, was a nuisance to get home.
But it was gonna be nice coming home to my newly renovated flat. Or so i thought!
Bathroom is done.
What was supposed to be done in the kitchen is done.

The living room was supposed to be painted and wall papers put up this week past so that it was to be finished by yesterday. And what do i come home to?
A uncompleted room with buckets of plaster and shit standing around -yes, that's all that's been done to it so far -the plastering!
Grrrrrrr......

And to top it all off i'm out of coffee.
So now i sit in my daughter's bed (from which i had to remove everything we own that had to be removed from the other rooms!) having just eaten some risotto and having a glass of red.
Thinking of napping for a bit. I'm tired.

I'll probably be back a bit later, hopefully in a better mood and with something worth writing about.

The Vanilla Week Sprinkles

So the first week was very Vanilla -in fact most of my stay has been! As usual not what we'd planned for, but how it turns out. This time even less kink than normal i'd say.
We did have one pain session in the first week though. Sir brought out His newly acquired clamps -binder clamps i think they're called.

They look like this:

They were surprisingly vicious!

On they were like most clamps -painful! *lol* But a good kind of painful.

I figured they'd be "kinder" than the paper clamps since these ones have rounded rather than sharp edges -but surprise surprise! i think they might actually be worse!

It took a lot of effort to manage the pain of getting them off -as well as some fist biting and "silent screaming". Dang it was harsh!

But once finished it was good. Didn't reach subspace but i got in that relaxed state, not groggy relaxed, more refreshed relaxed -a bit like after a gym session!

(Oh speaking of gym, not much exercise has been done here -not the conventional type anyways =P)

The session ended with some good sex (surprise again! *lol*).

There's been a couple spanking sessions as well.

On one occasion a shoe horn (that i foolishly bought for Him!) and Sir's belt were used.

20 lashes with the belt and i had to ask for pause -damn that hurt! I don't even know why i counted, maybe to find out what i could take, i dunno.

After a brief pause to catch my breath i got another 6.

The shoe horn i got for Sir is particularly vicious -there's two sides you can use! The actual shoe horn (of course) and then at the other end it has a rubber loop. I guess it's to hang it up on. OR you can use it to make your subbie scream FUUUUUUUCK! into a pillow! *lol*

Hey i bought it.... (how stupid can a subbie get? after 1½yrs i still haven't learned not to buy items that can be wielded as pain "weapons" *shakes head*)

The rubber loop isn't thin and meek either -it's robust stuff!

It looks like this, only it's red:

And guess what? He managed to break it on my arse!

It didn't like break in half or so but the loop part can now be removed from the horn ( aha!

*big mischievous grin spreads over subbies face* think if it just happened to fall off somewhere? Somewhere we-don't-know-where? ^^ )

Oh, you know how i said that i never learn to not see stuff that can inflict pain? When looking for pix for the shoe horn i found this:

i kinda like it =P Calf skin must be so much nicer than plastic right? =P

Anyways, back to my shoehorn. And oh yeah speaking of calves -that loopy thing on your calves hurt like FCUK!

Kiwi my friend, remember how i pepped you to exercise by saying that muscle hurts more than fat? Wow did i get reminded of that!! My calves aren't big, but what is there is pure muscle -33cm of muscle! And holymotherofgod did i scream into that pillow! I think i actually swore that i'll stop going to the gym *lol* "No more treadmill for melinda" *LOL*

So those of you who are wishing for a Loopy Johnny -think twice! And trice, and then again, and again, and again! *lol*

They're MEAN!

Yesterday i found the brushes that Sir use for paddles (hidden in plain sight Sir *lol* =P).

I don't know if you remember them from before, but one is like this one

only with metal "spikes" -with no plastic bubbles on them!

The other one is of this type

Someone said they used the paddle because it was one of the silent implements -mine is no silent!! It has a loud and resounding SMACK! sound for sure!

(I wonder what the neighbours think we're doing? Beating carpets in the middle of the night? *lol*)

Sir also likes His crop -again no standard items for Sir, Sir goes all out!

It's not a nice little crop like this

Nope it's The Meanie! I think i've showed it before, but here it is again:

(this time picture is from a retail website)

65cm blue riding crop

Designed for REINFORCING the action of the RIDER’s legs. Multi-purpose, suitable for all disciplines.

Why to choose this product : 65cm in length, so ideal for adults. Very solid.

Yeah no shit it's "very solid"!

MORE INFOS

Composition
Elastomer handle and popper, polycarbonate shaft.

Warranty

TECHNICAL DETAILS

Ergonomic design
Handle is suitable for both young people and adults.

Comfort
Centre of gravity is close to the hand to prevent wrist fatigue.

Performance
Popper will make a noise with only a slight flick of the wrist.

BENEFIT

Durability
Polycarbonate shaft: excellent resistance to bending and crushing.

Anatomic design
Ergonomically-designed handle with non-slip handgrip.

Versatility
Length 65cm: multi-use, for all disciplines..

More Sharing Services

Hmm yeah, i had brought a new thing this time around as well (*shakes head at herself*), a thin studded woman's belt.

That was used too.

And the "cane", which is really a carbon fiber arrow.

Oh, and Sir's own hands too of course!

So although the sessions may not have been many, writing about them i realize we have done quite a bit anyways.

Hopefully even more when Sir comes to see me! Different toys (although i do have a Meany as well *gulp* Yes, the first one He bought He sent home with me). There will be quite a bit Vanilla too, since The Brat is gonna be at home at least part of His stay with me. But yeah, different toys, different turf. Maybe different....rules. Stuff. Whatever.

OK, sorry for the many pictures! I was considering to put in some pictures of the "damage" done -but there are quite enough pictures now i think!

(how convenient =P)

And also it's almost half past 11 and i haven't lifted a finger here yet! And Sir will be home for lunch in about an hour -so i think it best to dash!

For now -Ciao and Adios!