Brave

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Brave

"If this is the moment I stand here on my own

If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home

I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave

If this is the last chance before we say goodbye

At least it's the first day of the rest of my life

I can't be afraid, 'cause it's my turn to be brave"

that's the chorus to a song that's been referenced in a fan fic i've been reading (yes, i'm back on that! shame on me). It's a very angsty and at times quite dark story. At one time (like almost 2 years ago now) i had to stop reading it. It was too much....like me. Those of you that have been with me for some time know i have issues and that the last 2 years have been very up & down.


Damn i had this post all worked out!


Hmm actually i think i mentioned it recently; the issue with my dad and his death. Or rather the issue of going to the cemetery. Soon it's been 10 years since he died. I've been there twice since. Once, the first, was when my nana past (dad's mum), the service was in the same place. I didn't linger. Second time was a bit more recent, 6 months maybe?, after i moved here anyways -which happens to be very close to the cemetery btw *sigh*.

Anyways i think i'm rambling. Point of the story is that in the fic the girl goes to her mother's grave for the first time. There she sings this song. I read it yesterday. I listened to the song. I listened to the song today, re-read some of the chapter, listened to the song again, and decided that i too would be brave.
Hyperventilating i downloaded the song to my phone, grabbed my headphones, pulled my hoody over my head, shoes on my feet, pulled on jacket, grabbed keys and left the house.
And....oh i forgot to tell you about the second time! *Eye roll*
Anyways i was walking/jogging to nursery to pick TB up, the road leads me past the cemetery, and i decided to run through it, trying to stop by the memorial grounds on the way. If i stayed a minute i'd be surprised. Panic attack and i fled running.


But you know what? I did it! Today i fucking did it!

I pulled on my headphones, choosing to listen to the very same song as mentioned above

and walked there -and STAYED!

i was gonna write so much more, of how the sun shone at significant moments, and of how i strayed from my way home and ended up on the cliffs, every song heard and every moment spent making pieces fall into place. But it's not really there any more. So i'll leave you here, with this very beautiful, and to me empowering, song.
It wasn't easy, but it was good.

I'm good.With love,