Like something? Catch it!

Forgetting the end

Forgetting to go to bed again : /

This webdesign stuff is addictive!

dallas web design
CSS  i e a whole foreign language

so you have to cross a few obstacles along the way as you stumble over them

it takes   

There's a lot of    involved 

and it goes by trial and error 

which means a lot of it ends up in the bin!

Only to have to start from the beginning again.

Sometimes i could do with an  to remind me to eat, sleep and breathe!


luckily enough it's Sunday (by now)  =)

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As you may have noticed i am tinkering about with the blog quite a bit. This is both an attempt to clean up the blog and take the opportunity to (try to) gain some web design skills.

So, i've created a little poll where i ask what you think of the blog. If you could spare about 45 seconds maybe you would consider ticking a box or two? It would be greatly appreciated!

Oh, and if you choose 'other' feel free to leave a comment what that 'other' may be :)

Thank you in advance  =)

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turning in

Ooops! i was supposed to go to bed!
Well, at least it's only 15mins late and not 3hrs  o.O

*goes to brush her teeth*

Night night all!

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I thought people wanted PuSS back?!
So c'mon good people -VOTE!

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i know i'm supposed to go sleep now (just signed off from chat with Sir), but i really need to write this.

After having spoken over the last few days about the health stuff that concerns me Sir has actually taken action! And i know He hasn't read my post, the previous one, so that isn't it.
He's followed my directions for caring for a wound He has and He's actually taken it upon Himself to make some healthier choices for Himself over the past cpl of days. And i am so proud of Him  = D
Baby-steps. Every little counts and opening one's eyes are the first step. And Sir has taken several. I am really proud of Him for doing something about it, i know how difficult it is to get started -that's always the hardest part! And it fills me with pride and joy that He is making the effort to do so.

I'll be right along side Him every baby-step of the way -even if i have do to it mainly from a distance.

Baby-steps Sir. Baby-steps that can lead to leaps and bounds  =D
i am hoping to share every step, every leap and every bound with You Sir -
i love You!

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The Puss Comeback!

PuSS comes back!









Some are re-visitations but they're just as nice this time around  =)

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I just decided to bring back PuSS!

I know it's Monday but hey deal with it -you're getting pin-ups! ;)

*Off to search for pix*

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The disappearing post (or the next generation of it)

The post i wrote the other day, when i was still at Master's house, the post that disappeared, it was about me withdrawing, putting walls back up.

Why? Mostly because of annoyance and friction over standing issues i think.
In having my (very valid) concerns ignored i have felt....disrespected. Or more..hmmm....left out, made less important. I've felt Him being inconsiderate of me. I dunno, i guess i've felt like that if He don't care about how He lives, then He don't care about how He live with me (not logistically, but from a relationship pov), or if He lives with me. How it would affect me if something would happen to Him. He might not care, and sit and hope for the best, but i do. Yes, i hope for the best too, but i also fear for the worst. Every day. And then when i got annoyed (on a specific occasion) and actually opened my mouth about it (quite crudly and offensive i can admit to -which obviously isn't OK) He actually laughed about it. He laughed! That's when i went from annoyed to pissed. Really pissed. And the rest of that lunch, well His whole lunch hour really, was spent in suffocating silence and awkwardness. You see, i can't hide what i'm feeling very well. Even if i try i can't really mask it. You know how some people can be really annoyed or angry or frustrated, and no one else even notices? I'm not one of those people. My feelings vibrate from me like electricity, and anyone around me will be able to feel it's current.
This subject is recurring, like on a daily basis, and it was grinding on me and starting to overflow into something unmanageable.
That together with bad habits annoying me (not that difficult to get annoyed when you're already wound up about something is it?) and it's made for an argumentative, sometimes sarcastic, and very unsubmissive subbie. Add to that feelings of being lost, un-anchored, from not being dominated and well you have a recipe for a disaster really.
After about a week Sir said it was time for maintenance -finally!
Only, even here it wasn't said with much authority, but more in a questioning way. So that kinda took the effect from it. When the day for it rolled around i even considered not being ready for Him, with implements out, as He had told me to be. Now, i didn't do that of course. I might be untactful and sullen, but not outright disobedient. So i showered and shaved for Him and chose implements to put out. Yeah, you read right: i chose! Because He'd only mentioned one implement and that was The Meany. I brought out the paddle brush, the shoe horn (oh how i despise it! Which is exactly the reason i brought it out), a leather belt, the carbon fiber "cane" and, of course, The Meany. For those of you that don't know TM it's a crop with a very large rubber double-slapper. And it is quite heavy. Can hurt like hell and leaves mean marks. If you search for it there's a picture of it somewhere around the blog.
I positioned myself on the bed, kneeling, and awaited His arrival.
Maintenance didn't go all that well, not at all like i think either of us had imagined at least. He started off heavy, me still kneeling, ass out, arms above head with my face in the pillow. And he went out hard. I got annoyed. It felt more like punishment than maintenance. Which is fine -if it's labelled as punishment. Not when it's called maintenance. Then that's what i expect. More of a build up. This went all out from the beginning. So when He asked if i thought i deserved it (the maintenance) i said -"Yes, but i also think i deserve a warm up first!"
This seemed to catch Him a bit off guard. Apparently He didn't think He was being so heavy, and said that it wasn't as heavy as we used to do. In my head i was cursing that there's a difference between maintenance, play and punishment. WTF Had He completely forgotten this?? What is wrong with Him? Fine. *sulking* Go on...i'll take it -but just know i am not happy about it! (Yeah, like i said: in my head not over my lips!)
He became gentler and started warming up. Only again, it didn't feel like a gentle warm up, it felt heavy handed -like play (i sure got warm though). And guess what? Yeah, you got it right, it annoyed me. But i took it in silence. Then TM appeared once again. And i felt 3 hard strikes; one on each lovehandle (fcuk them hurts!) and one just at the beginning of my butt crack (yeah that hurts like a #%@*¤ too). I felt overwhelmed. I gritted my teeth hard but managed to get out a -"Pause!". Maybe it was too muffled by the pillow, i dunno, but He didn't hear it. So i said, louder this time -"stop!", again He didn't hear. -"I SAID PAUSE!!" Angry now, and tears welling in my eyes, both from anger and pain, teeth gritting. This time He heard me, and He stopped. He waited. After a little while (a minute maybe) i said that i was OK and that He could go on. Didn't hear. (Yeah i was getting pissed off about that too! Again in my head the conversation was going something like: wtf has He gone deaf?! Or is He plainly just not listening? FFS!!). I said again, 
-"You can go on now". yeah, still no response. 
-"Go ahead(!)
Now He got pissed! (wtf?!?). 

-"melinda, you don't give commands here!"

Now it was my time to get stumped. 

"I wasn't Sir! I said when i was ready i un-paused. i was just letting you know i was ready! What was i supposed to say?!"

He said that i should've asked for more. But i was the one to pause it? Not from Him not wanting to go on. So in my head He hadn't chosen to stop, i had indicated i needed to collect myself. So i thought i should tell Him when i was ready for Him to resume. Resume His activity. Seems we didn't really understand each other there. But anyhow He resumed. He changed over to the belt. For some reason i actually like the belt! It was still difficult though and i was actually crying now (into the pillow, not sure Sir actually noticed at this point). A  few lashes later He asked me if i'd had enough. 
-"no Sir".

I got another two. Same question again. Conversation in my head? Stop fucking asking and just get on with it will you! 
Over my lips: -"No Sir!"

Another couple. 

-"Had enough now? Has it gotten through to you yet?

-"No, Sir. *sniffle* No.

-"you need more? you haven't understood yet?

-"i need more Sir". I got another couple and then He stopped. I wasn't ready for Him to stop, but He refused to keep on. I think that made me cry more than the actual pain had. And it didn't make me less agitated either. Wtf? I need this! I need more! He bloody well wants to have me cry! We've worked on it before, talked about it plenty, and now when i do He bloody well STOPS?! I WANT MORE! What about that don't you get??
No, i didn't actually say that. I cried silently into the pillow, well silent apart from a few occasional sniffles. He cuddled me. I didn't want cuddles. I wanted pain. Pain and Dominance. Apparently He thought i was breaking down. Going into sub-drop or something. (Eeeh NO, you have to actually reach SPACE before you drop *duh!*) I told Him He needn't worry about me, i was just fine. Which i was, apart from being disappointed. But i wasn't dropping or crashing or breaking down. We cuddled for a bit. Mostly in silence. I didn't feel like talking. I felt subdued. Not as in settled, just...processing i guess. I kept telling Him i was fine and that He needn't worry -and i meant it! I wasn't just placating Him. I really was OK. I just wanted silence and be still that's all. I think i kept subdued for the rest of the evening. Maybe even into the next day.
There was no more maintenance after that. Or play. Nor punishment.
Just Vanilla.
Too much Vanilla.
As much as i love the Vanilla part of us, i have great difficulty in staying submissive and Vanilla at the same time. Without Dominance i am not very submissive, at all. I was quite obnoxious at times actually. I don't mean to be. The stuff He was doing or not doing) was getting on my nerves though, and as i said i'm not the best at hiding it. It's a normal part of a relationship to get annoyed with each other's bad habits and ways of doing things that don't agree with our own. I'm sure Sir feels the same about me about something. This is where Dominance comes in and can put all that to rest. Well, ok maybe not to rest, but maybe keep it from spinning out of control.
Fortunately Sir knows i get worked up about His health stuff because i care. Because i love Him. That don't make my behaviour acceptable though and should've, in my opinion, been stopped in it's tracks. Before it becomes a runaway train -they're very difficult to halt!

Before i end this post i want to make something clear: The maintenance was not more than i could take. If you read it properly you noticed i wanted more. It just wasn't what i thought it would be. What i wanted (to start with). So that was actually quite bad of me.
And i'm not moaning -ok maybe i am a little- but i don't want anyone to think it was all bad, because it wasn't! We had some lovely times. But my mindset was all wrong so i felt out of sorts. I wasn't being myself and so there was a lot more friction than normal. I also want to apologize to Sir for that: I'm sorry Sir. I'm sorry for behaving obnoxiously and not being a good subbie to you. And for not communicating with you. But as you said: i don't make commands here. So if you don't feel dominant, or for some reason don't want to be, then that is your prerogative and your choice. I don't decide that. i don't have to like the choice -BUT i shouldn't act like i did. So again: Sir, i'm sorry.

I guess we're gonna be having one of them talks i dislike so much? Ugh!

I want You to know one more thing Sir: i love you. Even though i misbehave and act out and get frustrated and annoyed. I still always love you. That never changes. I need You to remember that. Will You, please?

OK, this is where i stop pouring my heart out in confession and start regretting writing this and doubting if i should post it, while knowing i probably will do either way.

Now i'll go hide behind the sofa! Or at least under the duvet, hoping to actually manage to sleep (and wake up having forgotten to post it, or that i have posted it, if that is the case).

Signing off now.
-Over & Out-

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Back home again

OK so i'm back home again as of yesterday. The welcoming was not so nice; cold and rainy, flight half hour late and getting stuck on the Motorway half way home from the airport  =(
But considering 2 other Ryanair flights had to do emergency landings yesterday maybe i was lucky after all! *lol*
But i'm home now and i'm looking forward to getting my TB back home tonight. I've missed her.
Before then i have some housework to do (see Sir.... ;) )

My throat is sore...blah! hope i'm not getting sick again.
As of tomorrow it's new week and it's back to gym and being healthier, and school and what not. Back normal again.
Looking forward to it? Both yes and no. My back is still hurting  :'(
Let's hope getting back into the swing of things help.

Now that housework awaits so i will catch you guys later for what will hopefully be a more extensive catch up.

Ciao for now!

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New is old and old is back

sorry if i'm confusing you guys -still working with the layout!

No, you're not going crazy -it's all me! As usual  =P


soon it'll be spick and spanners you see!

~  Maybe starting the cleaning in the Autumn helps get it ready in time for spring?  ~


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Just wrote a huge post and somehow all but the last few sentences just went up in smoke!!!

it was a good, honest post too -maybe not so clever or nice, but it was good and honest.

*sigh* :'(à

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Bangers & Mash

I'm the banger -banging my head against the wall that is!

And i managed to make mash out of the blog yesterday -but i also managed to put it back together again! A little better, if i may say so myself  =D  *a little proud*

Yesterdays "maintenance"...well, wow didn't really go as expected -as either of us expected i think!

More about that later.

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What happens if..

if i do this?
And this?


Experimenting, please bear with me!

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Messing about

Excuse the mess -i'm messing about with the template!
Order will be restored....

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When good subbies behave bad

OK, so i promised you guys some update about me being here with Brutus. I'll give you one, not the best most positive one but you will get the honest one fresh in my memory.

This morning i have mostly been pottering about, doing small bits and pieces like organizing stuff in the bedside cabinets, a bit of dishes and stuff like that. Like a good subbie do (although maybe a good subbie would've done quite a bit more?). Anyways, i prepared lunch and put it in the oven when i heard His car driving into the garage, so that He wouldn't have to wait more than a few minutes for it. All good, right? Except that as soon as He gets in the door He does something to piss me off. Yes, health related, no need to go into details.
I know what most of you will say now: He's the boss, it's His choice, His prerogative blah blah blah....
I don't agree. Yes, maybe as His subbie i don't have anything to say about it, bit i happen to also be His partner, and as such i do think i have the right to concern myself with it -and yes even get angry about it!
And angry i was. Now the thing with this little girl here is that she really can't mask anything at all very well. And you know how some people can keep in that energy that flows from you when you feel strongly? Not this one!
I was angry and i wasn't hiding it very well at all. Although the things i said was perfectly valid i could've been more humble with my words -i'm as blunt as can be most of the time! *sigh*
I didn't mean to hurt His feelings, or His pride, or to offend Him in anyway. But this is a long standing issue and i am having great difficulty with not letting it spill over.

The lunch was eaten mostly in a suffocating silence, with me averting my eyes from not only Him, but the table in general (like i said i can't hide anything and when i'm angry my eyes glow green as the Hulk himself).

I tried breaking it by asking how His morning had been. His five word long reply ended that conversation, and it was back to the suffocating silence again. After a few minutes i couldn't stand it any longer so i asked about dinner -sure fire subject to get Him engaged! Yeah, i'm being snarky and sarcastic, i realize that -in fact i think i have been a fair bit recently! *ashamed* Yes, i am ashamed, but i won't take the full blame for it. Tonight there will be maintenance -apparently i need it! (No shit Sherlock) We'll see how that goes. It was also said to be a lot of D/s and BDSM going on this time round, there's been none. Apart from me wearing the collar and sleeping chained to the bed with the leash, so yeah that (which i have to admit i like!).

The fact that i'm PMSy and slept incredibly badly last night don't help.

The rest of Sir's lunch hour was....let's say pretty stiff. Not at all like we usually have it with cuddles on the sofa.
I have to admit i am still peeved though. It will probably take me a while not to be, because this issue is a really big deal to me and it feels like He doesn't give a shit about it. I know that's not entirely true, but in His inaction it effectively makes it so.

I'm sorry, i'm spewing gall and probably saying a lot of stuff i shouldn't, but hey what's new?

Now i'll take my still-slightly-shaky hands and revved up pulse and go lay in the sun on the balcony.
Might as well enjoy it while i don't have a bruised arse to hide, right?!

Catch you guys later.

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Learning curve

Working to earn my cap =P
melinda is learning webdesign, i e (X)HTML and CSS, and just managed to remove those annoying empty buttons from the navbar!! Yay for me! Anyways i suppose you really want to know about how me and Brutus are doing?
Well, i'll get back to that. It's a gorgeous day outside, so why am i sitting indoors doing computer stuff when i haven't done nothing but moan at the bad weather most of the summer?! Good question, one i won't ponder for too long -instead i will actually go out!

Ciao, adios and catch you laters!

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Hours to go


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There are loads of them - some new, some old, but they all stand for the same:

Only one day left!

(OK to be really accurate it's about 39hrs, but it is tomorrow by the clock =D)

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I continue the Sesame Street theme with my countdown post.
Courtesy of Elmo we get Number 2 (hahahaha not that number two!!
- only two days left now!


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a One, a two, a 3

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Fo(u)r days to go

Yep four days to go! What to do for the days to go?

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Heaven and Hell


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One hand

Yep coundown is down to one hand! *grins* Soon i'm off   =D

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The ball-type Sir?

hahahahahaha just had to share!
What did you think it was about? =P

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One less than yesterday

Thought it fitting, vi actually means "us" in Swedish  =D

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Reading to keep an eye on

Reading to keep an eye on

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