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Self esteem and self worth

This post is a result from a conversation Brutus and I had a few days ago, or rather the blog post He wrote based on it, and my comments to it.
Because yes, I rarely know things before I write/speak of them. Words just jump out like frogs out of my brain and mouth and I realize them as I hear/see them. They are not processed and they are certainly not censored (because to do that you need to know what frog is about to take the leap!). This isn't always a good thing.
But i digress.
This post was about self esteem and self worth.


I have very bad self esteem. Always have. The self worth issues developed with depression I think. That's getting better though. Brutus is making that better  =)
His belief in me, my abilities and my apparent qualities sheds a light on me which allows me to see things I haven't been able to see before.
Like; Yes, I am a good friend -when I'm well enough to be a friend. I'm of a distinct flavour and I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but to those than can tolerate me and my ways I am a good friend.
And opposing what some people think I'm not actually a bad person. I have been in bad condition, which has defined my behaviour, but I'm not a bad person.
I do my best, even if I fail.
When I believe something and feel for something or someone I do so fiercely and passionately and would jump through hoops for that person.
All these things are traits that Brutus wrote of as being "universally desirable and specifically desirable for a Dom". And yes, I just realized this writing it. Dang blogs are good sometimes!
Brutus is a miracle worker  =)  (At least He is my miracle worker) I'm not gonna lie and say that I will actually see all these positive things in a week, or day or even an hour from now, but having seen them at all is quite an epiphany in itself. It's quite nice a feeling actually  =)

OK let's backtrack a bit and see where this conversation actually comes from.

Brutus and I were talking of my stay there and how He can be very possessive of me -and this when He sleeps! *LOL*
He holds me so hard and close to Him that I really can't get away (good thing I have a super-bladder! =P). This is of course not something He does consciously, since He is sleeping. I told Him I liked that feeling though, of Him being possessive of me. I added "even when there's no one to be possessive from" (yes, I checked the chat history to get it right, however I do realize it is a very badly structured sentence *lol*), this is what spurred His blog post. This led the conversation to my ever present awe and questioning of Him sticking with me in the beginning.
In the beginning of our time together I was nowhere near as well as I am today. I was still depressed, I saw no meaning in anything, I had a constant struggle to keep from blowing my top (which I was also very unsuccessful with, which I guess can have contributed to even more feelings of failure) and I had been self-harming. Nothing major, but I did all the same. Only reason I stopped was because He told me to. And it was no longer just my body, I felt I had no right to do that anymore. It was difficult not to. I soon found that I was masochistic -very masochistic- and getting a positive outlet for that extinguished the need for self-harming. Yes this will undoubtedly start a debate whether all masochists are doing so out of self-harm and self-destruction or not, this is not the time or the place for it, even though I have my own theories about that. But it's not what this post is about.
Although I think I'm digressing again.
Please bear with me.

My point being that I was in a bad place when Brutus and I met. I felt like a lost cause -which I kept telling Him. I wanted Him to see that -now that is self-destructive! And comes down to zilch feelings of self-worth. I really felt like I was so much more hassle than anything positive He might get out from it. I still do (that I did). So no, I can't understand Him sticking with me. I probably never will.
But like I wrote in a comment to His post; I'm selfish enough to not really care about the why (just the want to understand), I am just happy that He did and that He feels the way He does about me.
The fact that I actually believe that He loves me is a huge leap forward for me. Yeah, I still doubt I deserve it from time to time, or that He should love me -but it makes me so happy that He does, and again I'm selfish enough and want it enough to not question it (too much).
But feeling that He can love me without it being.....wrong, is a big difference in me. One that I can thank Brutus for. The subject of 'credit' for my progress has been discussed time and again, I have no doubt who and what should have credit for what though.
I give credit where credit is due, it's not something I give haphazardly.

Self esteem is a different thing though. Esteem is about feeling confidence in one's ability to do something. I have had very good self esteem in some things, but not doing anything at all anymore, well it kinda don't give you any scope to feel good at something, or sometimes even capable.

OK, this got really rambly didn't it?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no I don't think that "[Brutus is] putting up with someone who is not worth considering" or that His "requirements are too low", I agree that is not true, but I do fail to see what made Him persevere. It is not important though. At least not from a relational POV, when I bring this up (on occasions the subject comes up) it is strictly from my inability to understand and my curiosity and desire to do so, nothing else.

I don't always see why I deserve Him, but I'm no longer convinced that I don't.
I obviously have something, and do something, that appeals to Him and makes Him happy. Whatever that may be.


(which doesn't really matter, what matters is that it does)

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Counting your blessings



Sometimes life just sucks.
A lot of the time it just seems like it, but sometimes it actually well and truly does.

I have some people close to me right now that is having a really tough time and I just wanted to send some goodwill thoughts and support their way.






* <3 *

Loves'ya!

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Pin-up $exy $unday (Pu$$)

Last week's Pu$$    







This week's theme:  Show and Tell







And the candidates are:


#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6




Enjoy!

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Looking back


I thought I'd take a quick look in the rearview mirror today.


It's just been mine and Brutus's 1 year anniversary
It's been 10 months since I started this blog
and it's my 100th post!

Wow!


.... In the beginning I didn't actually write so much, it was far between posts and I was kind of....faltering. I was not being myself, I was not writing as myself. Once I started doing that it took off! I also found I had a lot to say about a lot of things! *LOL* (So unlike me =P) So it's only really from the summer time that I have been a part of Bloggerland, as opposed to just stuttering out a few words of wonderings here and there.
I now have 45 followers and over 8000 views. Cool huh? I know plenty people have plenty more than that, but I never thought I would!

In the beginning I wrote a lot about being confused and fumbling my way forward and finding my way in ttwd.
I had some difficulty grappling with certain things. I was being overly complicated as usual! *LOL*  But that's me. I over think or don't think at all, I jump right in or I stay by the wayside.
Now I have not only found my submission, I have found me. The two has become one and the same. I started out with trying to be a submissive to later be submissive. I think the biggest difficulty I had with that was overcoming my own perceptions of how it should be -what it seemed to be like for everyone else.
And yes, I'm a complicated person *lol* -I can't just accept that something is, I have to know how and why and and and.... My biggest issue in the beginning of this journey was feeling submission. Not with actually being submissive. I was succeeding in that -albeit with a few pitfalls, but that's to be expected. Apparently I succeeded much better than I thought at the time! Brutus has said that I was "very submissive right from the beginning"  =)


I think submission -and being someone's submissive- is something that you grow into. It's not the same for all and it's not the same with all. Every relationship evolves differently. Two people make it grow, thus there are two directions to merge into one.

When I was struggling with this notion that I had to feel my submission people kept telling my that maybe it wasn't necessary, maybe it didn't even exist (as a solid feeling, I guess they meant it just is). I didn't agree. I just knew it was something I needed. I struggled with it, but I took Brutus' word for it when He said that I was and that I was doing well. Well mostly I did....
Then one day it was just there. I could feel it! And from then on I have never really felt lost again. From that moment on I didn't feel like I was trying to be(come) a submissive, I just was! Am.

The fact that I found my perfect counterpart straight away helped a lot too -I think I would have given the whole thing up quite soon otherwise! I'm not one for trying something on time and again -if it don't work then it's not for me.
It did work. It is for me. It is me.
And I still have that perfect counterpart  =D

It amazes me how very different everything is now from the beginning! Everything was so much more....theoretical(?) in the beginning. That's not strange at all -it takes time to build a relation, to get to know each other, to work out what works and what does not and so on. I'm just amazed at how quickly it has evolved into something so natural. I no longer worry ooh can I do this?, oh what would He say if I do that, or don't do that?  I don't walk around thinking about it anymore, I live it now. I know. I know Him, thus I don't have to worry about how to interpret a rule or something He has said or asked me to do. I just know. Because I know Him. I know what He expects of me and I know what's important to Him, and what is less important. I know what He likes, what He dislikes and what He is indifferent to.

We have come a long way. Many of my boundaries have been pushed. I've gone from having a long list of soft and hard limits, to having a few (most of them we actually share). Sure I'm a bit apprehensive to some stuff He'd like to try! He acknowledges that and respect that -we might do it anyways, but not before "the right time". Usually He is the one to know when that time has come, not me. I rarely think it has! *LOL* But it always end up showing that He was right. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I might say I don't want to try it again, although that is very very rare! Usually He placates me and we do try it again, at a later date, when I'm not so fixated anymore. *LOL*
So, just like I know Him and I know what to expect of Him, He knows me. A lot of the time it seems like He knows me better than I do! He pushes me forward, gently nudging to test the waters, usually I take the leap myself (I push myself at least as hard as He does!). Sometimes I pull Him, suggesting new waters to dip our toes into or in some cases it's just about me being the one to switch gears.
It's been a journey for both of us, both individually and together. Experience and knowledge alters perceptions. New perceptions gives new possibilities. Possibilities for growth. You grow mostly by trial and error, I'd say we've had very few errors! And we've grown a lot. We've grown into something I don't think either of us expected or even dared dream of.
We share a life not "just" a lifestyle, even if we do so apart a great deal of the time. But we are solid and permanent fixtures in each other's lives -in fact He is my solidity.
He's my rock and my safe harbor, my comfort. He's my big Huggy-Bear, my motivator and my voice of reason, my sense -He keeps me moving forward when I want to slack and regress, He keeps my head above water and He keeps me in line.
But most of all; He makes me happy  =)

It's been a wonderful but hard-working journey, but the hard work has been so so worth it! Not only has it gotten me and Brutus very close, the impact it -and He- has had on my life is immense!
And I mean immense!

For that I am grateful and happy and I am looking forward to the continuing journey ahead of me -ahead of us!




And I want to thank all my readers for sticking with me! Avid commenters and lurkers alike;

Thank you for making this blog what it is!



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YAY!!



Count with me -again!

Yep, next trip is booked and ready!
*grins wide and squeals a little*







This is Brutus' and my initial conversation tonight:


- OK your ass is mine between 1 and 11 December


- yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=D
*happy penguin dance*


- I love it when a girl responds like that to what I just said


- hihihihihi
What d'ya expect huh?
*squeal*


- nothing less from my subbie melinda.






Let the countdown commence!



 

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Carrying the Torch


Like everyone else my thoughts are with Stormy in these hard times of hers and I just wanted to do my stretch of carrying the torch to her. Although she can't post or even comment she is in contact with Kay and can read all comments on her blog so head on over there and show her your love and support too!
Sara has also written a post in regards to this -her posts are always worth reading so head on over and do so now to.

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Being not-so-very submissive

OK....I think I wrote earlier that I am not feeling as submissive as I usually am. Why is that? I don't know and it doesn't really matter. Thing is more about what to do about it. I know it starts with me, and the other day I managed to get it back, for a while. Then she was gone again. She more faded away than ran away. The feeling kinda stayed in my head but for some reason it's not shining through, I don't behave submissively. Why I don't know, because I want to -no scratch that, I need to! So why don't I then?
Well I have a habit -a very BAD habit!- to become settled too quickly too easily. I get too at ease, I have way way easier to acclimatize than most people. Which is handy when you make big changes in your life and when stuff happens, not so good at other times.
So, is that it? I've become too....at home? I know my place, I do. It's the exact place I want to be at too. I just need to be kept there. No scratch that, I need to be put there!

This subject just came up with Brutus. He asked me if I thought He was bad or doing something wrong, and what would I change? To answer them in order; NO! No and nothing. (The fact that He even asked completely stunned me!)


But I might need.....reminders?
No I'm not talking Maintenance spankings -i get my fair share of spankings as it is! ;) And no I haven't been "bad" enough for a punishment either. So how could I be reminded then? I'm not sure, I'm coming up with this as I write it.
OK let's go with what we know;

  1. I like spankings
  2. I like kneeling
  3. I like force
  4. I like being over-powered and manhandled.
  5. I like addressing Him appropriately -which I seem to have difficulty with in words that are not written for some reason. What's in my brain don't reach my mouth or body (don't mean in THAT way! ;) )
  6. I like Him being in charge. Being the Boss and the Protector.
  7. I also love His gentle, loving and fun side -I certainly don't want to lose that!

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I should have posted this long ago but I never got it finished. Now I'm already back home, but I still feel the need to write this.....

Although I think I have reached the bottom line of the conclusion; I need more force.
Now I'm afraid that this will be misunderstood. I love what Brutus and I have. I love how we are. I think I just need more... more visible power exchange. Does that make sense? More demonstration of our roles.
Like I said, I easily get too comfortable -now that don't mean I don't want it like it is now too! Yes, I'm greedy -I want it all! At the same time. Not really fair is it? But I'm being honest, and no point in being half-honest now is there?

So, basically I don't want to change anything, I just want to add to it. "Just"....




Now, I started writing this when I was with Brutus & I think that's when it is most applicable, although a reminder never hurt (a goldfish)....  ;)

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After haven spoken to a good friend of mine about this, actually I sent her this post because I couldn't decide what to do with it, I got my act together and spoke with Brutus about it (Thanx for the kick up my arse gurl! I needed it ;) ). So this will be the third writing of this post (sorry about that).
This is what was concluded:


Well first of all I think I need to fess up to starting this post to take the easy way out, to have the conversation instigated here and not me having to do it conversationally.
I was told very plainly by my friend that "maybe that first step is you going to him and talking to him BEFORE you post your blog"


Eh, OK -but I was trying to avoid that!



Yeah, I know... 


Go TALK to Brutus dear



OK, I'll try




You will feel better.
It's the first act of being submissive again.


Well we'll talk, question is if we'll TALK.


The first words out of your mouth should be Brutus I need to tell you something.
Then you will have no choice.
Go do it now dear.


Now we're talking anniversaries and ******* -so NO


MELINDA!!!!

Go tell him
It's the only way you will feel better


Okokiok.... (Sheesh gurl)


I'll message him myself and tell him you need to talk =P


Oh no you wouldn't


   -But oh yes she would....Eh what happened?! This is so reversed roles!
*LOL* 
melinda don't like the taste of her own medicine!

But I must say, she was right!
As usual I was being overly complicated.

I spoke to Brutus. I started with telling Him about the conversation I was having with my friend (yes, I continued it for a bit after He came online -exception from the rule though!), that she was chastising me (good opener I thought -I was also being evasive, telling Him without really telling Him, throwing in hints but not the straight out information...I do that sometimes hoping that He'll catch on, but at the same time hoping that He won't actually really pay any attention to it.). I still had difficulty just telling Him straight so I asked Him if I could send Him a mail with the blog post I had emailed my friend asking for help with. That was fine He said.
Then He asked if He should be worried.
No nononononono! not at all! Just me being difficult.


Ahhhh OK then =P  (yeah He's used to that part of me =P)


He read it and thought it a non-issue. Just "minor tweaks" He said, and that He didn't see no problem with me bringing that up (have I ever said how much I love having a reasonable Master?).

I felt relief when He said;
First of all I never felt you were not submissive enough.
You are very compliant
No polemics
No stand off
No tantrum
No lack of respect


I realized that I was probably just feeling what I did in the early days -that I wasn't feeling submissive, even though I was, am.
And this is when I had a light bulb moment.
Not like an EU energy saving lamp, but as in a full 100W Edison light bulb.

When I am "just being me" I am submissive -only it's nothing I really think about, it is effortless, it's just me being me.

Then there are times when I feel it deeply, when I'm even more submissive, and it is probably in the transition from this state to the "me just being me" that I think I'm not being submissive (enough).

This was a real revelation to me, and it instantly eased all my worry. I wasn't losing my grip, I was just...in my "normal" state of submission.
And as Brutus pointed out; we focused more on connection than power exchange this time. It was more about snuggling and sex, and well just "us", our relation -which is what we needed, and that these things auto-regulate themselves; we simply take what we need and go with it.



melinda, just be yourself and you will be fine.




Phew!  *sigh of relief*  -I'm really bad at not being myself  =P  I can't fake -even when I should!


But to summarize this (probably very confusing!) post; there isn't really an issue -and I've learned something about myself!
Oh, and I've been reminded; it is always better to talk than to worry in silence.




Again friend; Thanx! *Big hugs!*




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Coming up! **Re-posted**





There are a some special days coming up.
Brutus always says women are better at these things, and I guess He's right about that.


*** 
Edit: maybe this is the case -but I still managed to forget it!
*LOL* 




So, I'm re-posting this as a belated Happy Anniversary!

Hipp Hipp -Hurrah!
Hipp Hipp -Hurrah!
Hipp Hipp -Hurrah hurrah hurrah hurrah!

                                                         ***



Therefore I will be the one to announce them to you guys;

The 14th of October was the day Brutus sent His first message to me on CM.
On the 15th we chatted on Yahoo for the first time.
(unfortunately the day I leave here =( )


It didn't take us many days to establish that we wanted to keep chatting to each other and try to build something together.

I was His from the get go!


I guess that means that we don't really have a definitive date,

BUT(T)


That means we're having our first Year anniversary!






Wow!
Time flies when you're having fun huh?!



Thank You Brutus!
For taking care of me, for putting up with me and for loving me.
You have given me so much -You gave me my life back!
Thank You Sir,
I love You.


~  <3  ~  <3  ~  <3  ~  <3  ~  <3  ~ 




P.S.   Sir, did You keep Your receipt??


Just in case  ; )


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Pin-up Sexy Sunday

PuSS
Last weeks winner















This weeks theme: Water

#1
 

#2
  

#3
  

#4
  

#5
 

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Overwhelmed

I've got so much to write about. After two fantastic weeks with Brutus I have several posts in the making, I think I could also get together a whole-in-one (*LOL* yeah, ain't I nifty? =P) on top of that. But I have no words -yeah I know, that's like saying....well something other that is just as unbelievable! So, OK I take it back, the words are always there, there is absolutely no order to them though (OK, that's just as it always is too!), I can't seem to get any of them together.

I miss Him.
It feels weird not being with Him, and it feels weird being home.
Tonight "the Brat" is coming home though and that will be fun (Oh please let it be fun!), it's been two weeks since I last saw her. That's a first. Hopefully a few bagfuls of presents will keep her (a bit) mollified *grins* Then tomorrow it's back to normal again.

It was nice being the one someone came home to. It was nice being the welcoming committee that made someone relax into your body and breathe a sigh of relief at the day's end. To have someone so relaxed with you that they can literally fall asleep within a few minutes of just holding you, even if they're only home quickly on a lunch break. It's....it's comforting. And it's satisfying.
Being that someone to someone was very gratifying.

It was good while it lasted.
I have a lot of good memories to take back home with me. I will try to get as many of them as possible recorded here, I know how my brain works; soon they'll be either gone or distorted  =(   But I will have them here, and even if they don't store as they should in my brain they are safe and secure in the vault of my heart.



(Yes, I am aware how cheesy that sounds! But it's true....)

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My turn I guess

So...the day has come; I'm back home again. My own home. It's been a bit of a sad tiring day but I'm OK. This morning was a bit tough though. Last time I visited Brutus it was difficult leaving, I remember the anxiety creeping up on me in the car on the way to the airport. This time I knew it was coming. What I didn't think of was how I felt the first time after less than a week, I should've known twice the time would make it twice as bad. Oh well, can't think of it all.

As much as my chest was aching and my throat closing up the drive was beautiful. It was a bit chilly in the air, with the roof of the car down, but it was nice and refreshing at the same time. It wasn't dark anymore but it wasn't quite daylight either, and as we got about half way to the airport we got the magnificent view of the sun rising up over the horizon, giving it a warm golden red glow.

The closer the airport we got the more closed up my throat became (seems I managed to keep that one under wraps quite well though). Once there the car was parked and we strolled into the airport building and headed for the bag drop -where I managed my weight limit by a smidgen! Luggage checked in I hauled my rucksack on my shoulder, handbag in hand and we walked off and got a coffee. We had to drink it standing at "the bar", not the most relaxed pose but hey! I was far from relaxed anyways (I had another 10-15mins yet for that to even start becoming a possibility). Seeing since it was an espresso I was drinking it didn't take all that long to drink up, and I shakily did so.
I knew what was coming once it was done -but you can't really stall with an espresso now can you?!
So, the time came....


The time to say goodbye. Although it's not really a goodbye, it's a "see you soon!" (just not soon enough) This time I couldn't hold it in like I did the last time. I cried. More than Brutus think I did. But He is right; I did hold back, with every ounce of my being (apparently that isn't fool proof anymore though (someone -not mentioning any names- has opened Pandora's Box. Cracked the facade and now the paint is starting to flake [luckily I wasn't wearing any though!])


He lifted my head, kissed me and told me not to cry (yeah right! Because I wasn't trying that one already?). Could I look at Him? No. It took a few hugs and a few attempts before I could open my eyes and look into His. I wish I could tell you what I saw there, but I didn't really see at all.
We said our last goodbye's and I walked through the maze you have to walk through to get to the security desk (why do they do that? Is it safer than having a straight line or something?!) 
Brutus stood outside the cordoning about half way through it and I got a last kiss and a wave. After that I walked on and didn't look back.
I recovered.
I'm quite good at that, if I'm just given 10 seconds to do it.


So I go through security with all it's hassle and then I start browsing the shops; I figured since I still actually had some cash left I might as well see if I can find something for my aunt.
First shop I go into I see scarves, I was thinking Oh! it's getting cold back home I could get her something like that! One look at the price tags and I immediately changed my mind.
And that's when it started singing in my handbag, which meant only one thing; a text from Brutus. The jumping for the phone as I usually do when hearing His signal was this time mixed with a little bit of dread; I knew it would be my undoing (OK, what to do? I'm in the middle of a shop for crying out loud?!). I fished out the phone (eventually, after a lot of digging) and slid it open and opened the text message, it said: "good flight, puss, love you". And yeah....suddenly my eyelids were burning and needed to be flushed cool again (Sir, what are You doing to me?!?). I walked out of the shop.
A few breaths, 10 seconds (plus the 10-15mins "post-coffee" time) and i regained my composure.
I walked into another little shop and found a little painting for my aunt, from there on I headed to the gate.
Btw, why does it say a gate closing time when they never open the damned thing before that time anyways??


The rest of the journey is nothing really to write about -let's just say it was a bit of a challenge to get home a broken holdall of 15kg plus a rucksack of almost 10kg and then a handbag and the little bag with the little painting for my aunt in it, man am I glad I push weights at the gym!






So, this is me, back home.

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Eh,OK....that was....unexpected.




I just cried. We did mental bondage and I was spanked until I cried. That's a WOW! For those of you that know me you know I don't really do crying. It wasn't the sobbing snotty mess we've spoken of before, but it was tears streaming down my face, and yes they were streaming -for me, in my book that is crying, that is as much crying as....well more than has happened in a very long while I can tell you that.





___________________________________________________


Warning: From here on it is TMI details, so for those of you that rather don't know the ins and outs of it STOP here.

___________________________________________________


It all started with a laugh and a bit of pissing about actually. I was on IM chatting to a very nice blogger-friend of mine whilst Brutus was busy with a work call. When He was done He came in, and He and 'friend' exchanged a few words (by proxy mostly), then Brutus says: tell her that i'm not very good at typing and that you are resuming the conversation while I spank you. Whereby He rises up from His spot -which "accidentally" was on my bum- and collects the crop. Yes, that crop! The Crop. The Meany. And starts laying into me (well, you know what I mean). It was whack whack whack*a seconds pause* whack whack whack! Whack! whack whack whack! The last few ones I'm squirming like mad, not only because it hurts, but mostly because I know where He's trying to get to -it's not my bum He is after anymore!

Of course I don't struggle for long -there's no point. We'll get there eventually anyways, and in the end I will like it. Well, OK...I will like the after effect, the actual pussy spanking just hurts like a mtherfcuker.

Me and 'friend' ended our conversation (her having very much fun at my expense! *chastises* ;) )
OK, so now I'm in for it, I know that. I'm told to roll over. *gulp* Yeah, I know what's coming. I know mental bondage was on my wishlist, and I find it very cool -it is F-ing hard though! But yeah, on my back I am legs spread and arms at my side, and they are to stay there! Sounds easy? It's not! You think a lash with the Meany Crop hurts on your backside -well guess then what it does on your privates.

I took it the best I could -much better than previously in fact. I don't know how many lashes we are talking about here but there were quite a few of them. I had tears pricking my eyes. I quelled them. I gritted my teeth for the last few and just held out. When Brutus crawled up on me to hug me and kiss me, and say sweet words to me like He always does, I considered telling Him. I decided not to. For some reason I found myself doing just that anyways, just a few minutes later. He asked if I wanted to try again, I said yes, so we did. Ohmifuckinggawd!itfuckinghurtsohpleasestop!ohwait!ouch!ohnodon'tstop! 
I felt the first few tears trickle down the side of my face into my ears (blah!) and I was surprised, I thought I had them under control, it didn't feel any different, the control I mean. It felt good though -not the Meany, the release, even though it had only been a few tears thus far. I was still fighting it the majority of the time. I thought about taking it as far as going to the full out snotty-sobbing-subbie but I couldn't speak. Brutus kept asking me how I was and such but I couldn't reply. He got His answers by yes and no questions where I could nod my reply.
After every few lashes or so He stroked me, touched me to make me feel calmer, to relax (Yeah right! Relax?!)
 (All the while my head was screaming: Why the Hell do You have to be so nice to me?! Whilst my heart just sank into Him and wanted more).
Tears were flowing by this stage and my mind alternated between just going with it, and fighting it. I still gritted my teeth and tensed up to keep it all in, but it was too late to succeed to 100%. I didn't really want to either. In fact I wanted to let go completely. Brutus said to, asked me to. I couldn't.
Again He cuddled me for a minute, I asked Him not to stop (the spanking). I hated it, but I didn't want it to stop. Or maybe I didn't hate it? I just hated releasing control.
He said we were done for tonight though, I was too red to continue. I was a bit bummed at that, but I think it was a good call. Not only for my pussy's sake. We cuddled for quite awhile after that. Me still softly crying sporadically, He holding me tight telling me I did well. That He loves me. That it is OK for me to cry in front of Him.
I know that. It's not really that that is the problem though -the problem is that I can't cry in front of me, myself. I can't let myself let go of that control of me.
It felt good laying in Brutus' arms hearing Him speak to me softly and caress my head and back. Several times He tried to lift my head to face Him. I might have let go enough to cry in front of Him -for Him- but I couldn't look at Him whilst doing it.

After awhile I could, once the tears had ended and we had great sex.
*grins*

Then we snuggled again. I felt quite refreshed. Happy. Lighter.
I got up and went to the toilet and then I walked back in the bedroom bouncing up on the bed all smiles asking Him if He wanted that cuppa now that He'd offered me during my after care. He did, so I skipped off to the kitchen to make it. And then I switched on my computer, and well here we are.

So, that was the end of my evening, how was yours? Equally good I hope.


Smiles and hugs and Good night -see ya tomorrow! (Well later today ;) )

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The weekend


It's been a good weekend, albeit a bit quieter than we both thought it would be, I think. On Saturday we went to the Supermarket to do the weekly food shopping and to get stuff that I want to bring back home with me. It turned out to go from a grey and dreary day to become a gloriously sunny one, so we took a drive  =)  We drove (well He drove!) to a brewery about 50Km from here. It was beautiful scenery on the way, and with the roof down you could see it all and feel the cool breeze whip in your hair -awesome! Only we were heading for the bad weather, unfortunately. It again got grey and dreary, cold even. I actually had to borrow Brutus' jumper because I was so cold -which means He should've been freezing!


©Sweet girl 
This brewery was situated up in the mountains, so after we'd had a beer and a snack (haha quite a drive for a beer and a snack, huh?! *LOL*) we took a little walk, only to realize that right outside the door was a National Park! Ehum, a national park with just a normal neighbourhood in it *stumped*. We didn't walk much, it was a bit cold and it was a long drive home -which we decided we would do on an alternative route through the park. We soon changed our minds when after only a little bit on the way we looked at a map and saw just how far it would be! Like hours of driving kinda far! *LOL*




So jumped in the car and drove home again. Got a bit lost Took a bit of a detour (because we all know men never get lost do they? =P) so it took quite awhile to get home again. It was quite cold now -in fact I was freezing my butt off! I had His jumper and my (dress) jacket on but I was still freezing. He asked if He should pull the roof up but I said no -why do I do that?! Why couldn't I just say yes please? I dunno why. Don't think there is some big deep explanation for it -it's just me being silly and stubborn really.




We came home and we fixed dinner (Beef Tartar -it was the first time i ate it, it was Yummy!), snuggled on the sofa with a glass of wine each and watched "Quills". It's a movie about Marquis De Sade -well worth watching! I was in giggle fits at some points, although it really isn't a comedy. Well worth watching a movie about the "founder" of Sadism though  =P

Although I can say that the Sadist that was sitting beside me probably was a bit disappointed -He was hoping to get some good inspiration from it but there was none to be had -difficult to be actively sadistic from an asylum though I'd imagine! *LOL*
But a good movie all the same.



Yesterday, Sunday, was spent mostly in the bedroom  =P
I won't go into details but there was rope and plugs and vibrating stuff and Sir -all working in synergy to get me to feel amazing  -oh! and clamps too! Oh and The Crop....Oh you get the picture! *LOL*



All in all a great weekend!
(Shame it will be the only one  =(  )

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trust

What is a relationship without trust? Any relationship? In ttwd it's of extra importance with trust, often we have to put trust in someone with our very life and health.
Trust is a must.

I trust Brutus in everything. Does that mean that I never feel hesitation? No, of course it doesn't! But I trust Him deeply -implicitly! Only today He put a rope across my throat -was I scared? No. Did I react to it when He first put it over my neck? Of course I did! I am human, it is our natural reaction. I didn't react adversely to it, not at all -I love it! But I'd be either inhuman or stupid if my mind didn't still for a fraction of a second at it.
Without the trust in place I would certainly have reacted stronger than a fraction of a seconds hesitancy. I expect I would have reacted just like any Vanilla person would do to it; with fear.

Can you let someone tie you up and inflict pain on you if you don't trust the person tying the knots? I wouldn't. You can't really get more helpless than being tied up can you? Anything can be done do you -anything. You are helpless, truly helpless. Hopefully if you trust the person you are with it will only be good things! Of course stuff can happen, unforeseen things, unexpected things, but you shouldn't be going into it with fear.

Trust.
It's what brings us security, safety.
There's nowhere I feel more safe than in Brutus' care, I never fear Him -apprehension towards an activity maybe, but I never fear Him. Trust. Trust is the foundation to every relation we have. Without trust there is no foundation to build on.

There is one thing I trust more than anything -my instincts!
After that; Brutus (and Terror of course!)

How can one be led if the leader don't inspire trust? Could one even lead without trusting it's follower? Like truly lead?

Trust -the foundation of TTWD, not only that, it's the foundation of every relation that will let someone close to you, to see the real you, to touch you.

Trust is a gift. It can just as easily be taken away as it is given -be careful so it don't get snatched away!


Take care of your trust, both that you give and are given, without it you won't get very far.





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Pin-up Sexy Sunday (PuSS)

Last weeks theme was Titillating Crafts, and there was a three way tie.
So, that means that this week will continue with those.
These are the three that were voted for:



#1



#2


#3

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Exercise




We all know exercising is vital for a healthy body and a sound mind, right?

So, do you?

Do you like it, or is it a chore? If you don't exercise, why not?
Do you, as a submissive, has it as a rule? Do you as a Dominant require it of your submissive?
In that case what is the reason for it?


I'm taking this opportunity to give Kitty a shout out  -you're awesome girl and I think you inspire hope in those that think it's "too late", or "no point" - I know you give me a reminder to get out there and do what i have to do!

You go girl -you rock!
(And thanx!)




  

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The first week

My first week here has been wonderful!
It feels so good being here -so.....so natural. It's not where I live, but it's the home of my heart.

I've now been here for half my stay. I've settled into the domesticity very well I think -which is amazing, because I really am a messy rat! But I've slowly made progress (-and put my mark on) in the keeping of things here. I've always wondered how people could do the whole housewife thing -it ain't so bad actually! *grins*  Especially not in a paradise like this!
I enjoy doing the whole house thing for Him, I actually like the service part a lot more than I thought I would. I liked it last time too, but I didn't know if I'd keep liking it for a prolonged time. So far I do.
With exception for the cooking -it can be very frustrating! (And I really do mean very *lol*) For the ones of you that read Brutus' blog you will know that He is trying to let go of control in the kitchen -trying being the operative word here! At first it was quite funny actually -I've met someone that is just as (or maybe even more?) anal retentive than I am! Let's just say the role of Sous chef or bystander don't suit Him so well! *LOL*

On the S/m front we've been a bit mismatched, but that is of no fault of Brutus. I've been at the beginning of my period which always makes me extremely sensitive and I'm used to being a painslut, so it's very frustrating to me! Plus I'd been on a weeks abstinence and we hadn't played so much in the week or so before that either. Which means I'm not so desensitized any more. But it's moving along. Now all that's needed is for this damned period to finish so that we can go back to having amazing sex again too! At least Brutus gets His daily blowjob(s) -which I love! But it's like an aphrodisiac to me, so to not be able to have sex afterwards is really frustrating! I just really hope this period won't be one of those long outdrawn ones.

Apart from the sex and the kink and the cooking we haven't done much, since He is working. I've been to town a couple of times though and yesterday I actually took my first run here in Brutusland! It was really nice. I think I ran 5km or so, and I actually jogged/ran a lot more than I usually do. Usually there is a lot of power walking in there too.
I got home just before Brutus, so when He'd come home I took a shower and then we snuggled on the sofa for a bit. I love snuggling up to that man! And it felt so good being physically tired too. I'd started being so day-tired again, I think going out running helps, it's refreshing for both mind and body. I do wish there was a park nearby though -running on asphalt kills my already very bad knees  =(  Good thing I brought my brace with me.

Last night when I couldn't sleep I realized something; I've been finding myself in the wrong head space. I haven't felt very submissive at all, in fact I think I've been quite tetchy at times. I don't know why that is, and it's something I need to fix now that I've become aware of it. I'm in fact getting a few ideas of how as we speak (well as I type). I hope I succeed -and quickly!- I don't want our memories of my stay here marred with me being a brat! Well, I'm not being a brat, just a bit moody. I guess maybe I'm a bit hormonal, but that is no good excuse, I need to try to reign it in better.

But now I'm aware of it at least.  I'll do better Brutus, I promise!

But now I need some breakfast -I'm starving! After that I'm not sure what I'll do. Well I know what I'll do roughly, just not in which order. Then Brutus will be home for lunch -it is nice when we can have lunch together!  =)  Makes the day seem shorter when He isn't gone for such a long stretch of time.

OK, now FOOD!





Laters Y'all!

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The reunion

To reunite with Brutus was heavenly -is heavenly!
To be back in His arms again.

OK, it didn't go quite as I'd imagined initially, but that was all down to that damned wardrobe issue! Which escalated enough to warrant it's own post *sighs*
Had I been into humiliation it would have been a really good journey *LOL*, however, I'm not. Like in not at all.

Car journey home was....nothing short of...orgasmic! *grins wide*
That was kinda cool  =D  Why not set the tone from the start -and it's certainly the tune we've been playing! I'm certainly not sex starved any more! Although still hungry  =P
I will be back on the sex diet now though -that bloody period made it's appearance yesterday! (Yes, pun intended  ;) )

So I've been here for....72 hours and already we've managed to get in a near death experience and the sex-stopper period *grrrr*

We've also had the most amazing sex, plenty of blowjobs *grins*, nice meals and good snuggling -so bar the two bummers we're having a great time! Oh and let's not forget the spankings and other (mild) pain play! Although I have been very sensitive (a wuss you could say! At least for a painslut *lol*) But I always am at the beginning of my period, so I know it is temporary -I'll soon be back to being hardcore again  =P

Oh and yesterday, after some..."inquiries" from Brutus, He got to open the surprise I'd brought with me.
You curious too?

OK then, this is what I brought:

Fetish Fantasy Ball Gag Training System



I think He likes it, although it's still unused (cause damn did it taste awful!! Still reeks and tastes of plastic residue, so I need to boil them or something to get rid of that, otherwise I'll just end up puking). Well with period comes pain! And I'm not just talking of the usual period pains here  ;)

Now I'm gonna down some paracetamol and stuff, I'm feeling a bit "off".
I hope you all have a great day!

Hugs, a happy and content melinda.

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Close call

Hi bloggerland!

Brutus and I have been having a wonderful time -I will tell you more about that later.

A scary thing happened last night though, and that's what I'm going to write about just now. I hope Sir don't disapprove of me writing this(?), but....I kinda have to. It scared me half to death!


Last night, after a wonderful dinner of risotto and some nice wine we sat down in the sofa with some coffee and  Sir had an ice cream. It's not like a regular ice cream on a stick, on this instead of the normal wooden stick it's made out of liquorice.
Suddenly He started coughing and I gently rubbed His back -because contrary to common belief you should not dunk someones back when they cough!
I could see His whole facial expression change and He was like gagging. For a split second I thought He was joking. A very split second! Because He was starting to go blue and was already starting to lose consciousness, it was all going very quickly, all this happened in just a few seconds. Now I thumped Him on the back, in an upward thrusting motion. I leaned His whole upper body forward and thumped again. Thought ran through my head that with Him sitting on the sofa like that there was no way I'd be able to do the Heimlich manouevre effectively. When Brutus toppled over and fell to the floor (sorry about that Sir, that was partly my fault), I again thumped His back in an upward thrusting motion and thought Fuck now there's no way I'll get Him up for the Heimlich! I started lifting His upper body and I dunked Him once again, saying no, no don't do this to me!, and suddenly He coughed! He coughed and disorientedly asked what had happened, had He fallen asleep? Oh thank God! He was OK. Brutus was OK. A bit lost but perfectly fine. When I told Him what happened He said: "Oh I must've KO'd for a few seconds there". I was like no shit! I didn't realize (yes very sarcastically! I didn't actually say that though...I don't think...). What I did say however was I KNOW! Then I kinda slumped on the sofa, relieved that it was over, grateful that Brutus was fine, hands shaking from the adrenaline rush. I told Him to never do that to me again (as if He did it by choice, it's a stupid thing to say I know! Sorry, but I wasn't feeling particularly rational at this point.)
Once Brutus had recovered Himself some (-which He did remarkable quickly, in fact in His eyes it was nothing major that had happened at all! No I mean, He'd only gone blue and was dying right in front of me, but hey! that's all in a day's stride, right? [Yes, I'm being snarky]). I clung myself to Him never wanting to let go. I could have lost Him. God I don't know what I would do if anything happened to Him.

The scary thing (apart from the whole thing in itself) is that just a few days ago I dreamed Brutus had a heart attack. Whilst I was here, pretty much like this instance now. I should say "dream" because I dream even when I'm awake. I know, technically that is daydreaming, however daydreaming is supposed to be dreamy -and I do not daydream of people having heart attacks! Much less people I love dearly.
I've experienced so called true dreams before (although then they've really been dreams), and this was running through the back of my head during this whole episode (short as it was); I knew it, I knew this was happening, I knew something bad would happen....
The second scary thought that hit me was What if He'd been alone?

I know Brutus will think I'm being overly dramatic, but He don't remember anything of it, He didn't see it. I did, and I do remember it -vividly!

I laid on the sofa, clutching myself to Him hard. Headache I was having before was rapidly getting worse, probably due to the adrenalin rush and withdrawal.
Brutus was ever so sweet and got me Paracetamol, and later a cool cloth that He applied to my forehead. After awhile we went to the bedroom where we just laid and snuggled for a bit.

Later we had the most amazing sex ever *smiles*



Message to Brutus: Sir, don't You ever ever ever do that to me again! You hear me?
Ever.

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"Home"


Greetings from Brutusland!


Just letting you know I landed safely -wardrobe turned out to become an even bigger disaster as time went by, that story will be told later. For now I just wanted to say Hi!
We had a really nice evening -well night! *grins*
Again, later....




Now I'm gonna have some breakfast then start on some chores (I've actually only been given one, but I've got a whole day so what the heck  ;) ) Really nice weather out so will go out later on too, dunno if it will just be a stroll or if I'll actually go for a run (which never is a run, it's a fast walk with some spurts *lol*), I'm not sure yet. Brutus might come home for lunch =D







Take it easy all and have a good day!

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Reading to keep an eye on

Reading to keep an eye on
 

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