On my way to bed so this will be a really quick one (sorry to disappoint your dirty minds! No such luck!).
Tomorrow i sit my first exam. Programming. i don't have a habit of being nervous but have to admit i am a bit. My studies have not been the best organized. i may have gotten top grades on everything -it's just i dunno how i've worked it!!
Well, around 2pm tomorrow my time (UCT+1) maybe you could send me some good vibes?
On my way to bed so this will be a really quick one (sorry to disappoint your dirty minds! No such luck!).
Sorry i've been MIA again! As Sir wrote in his blog yesterday i am drowning in school work. Still am, so yes this post might effectively be a tiny bit of a procrastination technique -a good and well needed one though!
I can proudly announce that so far i have gotten top marks on every single assignment (14 of them, first 2 were just activation assignments though where you presented yourself and such). But yeah kinda proud of that, especially since i haven't even got a clue how i solved the last 3 programming assignments! o.O But i did, so i must know something at least! *lol*
Final exams are next weekend and i'm feeling just a teenyweeny bit pressured. So what do i do? Instead of doing all that cramming i've scheduled in, i do...other stuff. It's been really nice weather though, which i've mostly missed out on due to studying, i might actually take my book out and sit in the sun with it. The stuff i need the computer for i can do later.
So that's it, for the RL part. So how about me and Brutus?
Well, i'd say that in general we have improved a lot (not that i let that show last night in any way. Sorry Sir!).
Last time we were together i really tried to be submissive. I find it very difficult to mix Vanilla and D/s though, so the vanilla time of our travels were mostly that i'd say. Once back home though i really really tried. I think more than Sir even realized, or noticed. We did pretty well though i have to say. If it was simply for the fact that i wasn't being a bitch like the previous two times, or if it was due to more than that i am unsure of. However i really felt a need to be Dominated and an urge to be submissive. I wouldn't say i got quite to the point where i want to be but it was a vast improvement from later times.
Now there are big changes on the horizon once again, ones i know will set our dynamic to the test for sure! Like trips to IKEA and such = P (that includes more than a bit of browsing and getting a thing or two).
Yeah IKEA and my studies will be my downfall for sure *lol*.
Although by the time i see Sir next time these two modules will be finished and i'll be on a break (*knocks on wood and prays that there will be no unwanted interference by certain authorities*)
Then when i return part two of the programming will start! *gulp* This has made me realize one thing: i really need to do some math! My math "skills" don't even reach high school standards *blush*, and the math is getting ever more complicated : / The computer tech will be all done and dusted (which is the other module i am doing right now), and the new one will be Webdevelopment = D
OK, enough rambling and procrastination from my side now i guess!
But hmm... should eat something.......
or rather much needed EVOLUTION!
Finally! That's my take on it! I just hope it will become as widespread and acknowledged as SG is.
Please go and check it out -even if you are a submissive! I think just as submissive guide can be helpful to Dominants, this can be to submissives too -it never hurts seeing a coin from all sides!
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Tuesday, Feb 26th, 2013
Kiwi's post Tips for Tops from a bottom's "very recently punished" pov has created a bit of a stir. Although she is the inspiration for this post this post is by no means about her and her situation specifically.
The post is a bit like a list of Do's & Don't's for Doms. These are things i have always taken for granted. If they were not in place i would not be in a D/s relationship with that person. But that is me personally.
Kiwi wrote: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her despite knowing the thrashing is not as hard as she can usually take…her pain tolerance right then may just be a little lower for a reason. Maybe she has learned her lesson quickly for a change."
Pain is a complicated thing. We're affected by many things both before, after and during.
Before being the case of how we already feel emotionally just before hand. Maybe we're stressed, sad, angry, hurt or wound up. I know that for me, being any of those before hand can make me lash out at Sir. It usually calms though, and actually more often than not the end result is a calmer melinda. But i think as a Top you have to be prepared to take that without seeing it as the sub being bratty -it's an emotional and physiological response to the pain administered and the feelings that were already present before hand are often reinforced.
My tip: Give it a little while. Be mindful of what you say and do -try not to trigger your sub further by reacting to her lashing out! Instead be calm and keep your cool & wits about you. Observe.
Next point i want to make from that section is that pain tolerance shifts. Our hormones have a great effect on them for instance, so where she is in her menstrual cycle can make a real difference. I know i have one point in my cycle where i tend to move more towards being a painslut, and then another where i wanna scream just by the sight of a clamp. So my next tip is: Keep this in mind. And that tip goes for both Tops & bottoms! I know i can be very hard on myself for not being able to do something that i would usually not only enjoy but even thrive on, but right then it just isn't possible. Be honest! Both with yourself and your Top.
And of course then comes the BIG one: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her..." I have two takes on this. 1) A stop is a stop and there are no two ways about it! It means STOP!
The second take comes in because some people have different types of scenes and different types of responses. For instance someone into rape play wouldn't really be able to do that if stop actually meant stop.
If you know each other well enough you probably know the difference between the different "stops". The other alternative is having a safeword. We all know what that is by now, yes?
Personally i wouldn't say we use stop words as such. If i say stop, Brutus stops. End of. Usually though i say Pause. This means i need a moment to collect myself, it's becoming overwhelming and i need to catch up. It can also mean that i can't take no more of that particular activity, but not that i want to stop a scene completely.
A common way to use safewords is using the traffic light system:
Red = STOP (for many Tops this would mean the end of the scene altogether)
Yellow = Slow down / Pause
Green = Go (can even mean "i like it, i want more")
The most important thing to think about here is to check in with the sub!
These questions are also good to check if the sub has gone far into sub space. If she's way into it the response may be nonsensical or you might not get any answers at all. You may even get a giggle fit or a growl in response! In this case the Top needs to make a judgement call; is she OK to continue? Being in space does by no means automatically mean the scene needs to stop. It just means that the Dom needs to be even more careful and take even more responsibilty for the sub's safety, because she isn't really able to herself at that time.
Is she lucid though i urge you to take her word for it! Being doubted doesn't have a good effect either -that i can tell you from personal experience.
I won't incorporate how to take care of someone after (and during) sub space as it will end up too much for the one post here.
So, basically, to try to get back on track, it should never be about the amount of pain inflicted, but abut the response to it!
It's the effect and the response that is significant, not how hard it measures.
Just a quick jump back to the safe words, since she also wrote "Let your bottom have a “safe-word” if its ill-used then you can always punish for that. But trust your bottom to use the privilege of a safe word correctly."
I had a bit to write about earlier, dunno how much is left of it though -in my head that is. Sorry if this gets messy.
Life has truly sucked lately. MEGA-sucked.
Sir and i are where we are, and even though we're moving along and making progress it takes it's toll. For awhile there it seemed like all we did was argue and fight. Quite often at the same time as i was doing the same with TB -which obviously resulted in that i got double up and in turn so did they!
Add to that the fact that TB has been.... let's put it like this; she and i are usually like cat and mouse, lately it's been taken to new levels.
Then i find out why she's been like exchanged over the past couple weeks; it seems she's bullied/teased at school
On top of all this i haven't eaten any meds since before xmas and i'm kinda being... Au Naturale at the moment. (Please don't....)
Sir is starting to find out what melinda-au-naturale is....
Let's just say that his hair-trigger state is my default...
It's tiring. I'm tired. So so tired.
And can feel i'm starting to thread quicksand. I know what that means. Really i do. But even though i am all wound up and trigger happy, i am also calmer (i know, i hear the contradiction there) and less panicky. I don't see red and i'm not half as aggressive as i normally am. Because i'm heavy. And as heavy as it is it is also nice to not go loopy every five seconds.
I know i need to do something about it. And i will. In time.
Right now the most pressing matter is dealing with TB and her school matters. She loves school normally.
Home is chaos. I'm chaos. But too tired to deal with it. On top of it there's all these musts. Must this and do that and then this and then that. And then she needs this and Sir needs that and the next one another.... And *sigh*...
Oh yes, this is a D/s blog, maybe i should write something about that *eye roll*
Sir is trying hard and i know it. And i know i'm challenging him a lot -and not in the good way. I know that is bad, at the same time this is me...maybe it's just as well he finds it out so he knows it for real.
Yesterday i got 10 mins corner time for not doing my dishes i had as a task. I was to stand in a corner facing the wall, naked, for ten minutes. Now i don't have any free corners in my living room (so yes, i questioned it! Shush.), so i was told to stand as close as possible and that would be fine (Thank you Sir would've been a bitch to rearrange the whole living room for ten minutes sake! *lol*).
During these 10 minutes i was to think about our D/s relation. I did.
What did i think about then? To be honest i'm not entirely sure.
I know i had the thought that maybe i am the wrong type of submissive for Sir, if we're to be crass. He never seems to have had any troubles with previous ones. If my memory serves me right they were all mainly humiliation-oriented. I'm very much the opposite (it's actually a hard limit for me). And i'm not meaning it's the humiliation itself that's the solution, more that it's something...practical. It's DOING, and Sir is very good at the doing stuff.
I on the other hand is much more abstract. I am much more about the f e e l i n g. I work very much instinctively and intuitively.
Like Sir the other day couldn't understand how i can be so good at pointing out what he does wrong, but not be able to tell him when he's changed something for the right. I completely understand his frustration in this btw! It's just that for me, i don't sit and think over and look at what's wrong...i just know that something isn't right. I'm feeling it. I know i'm not feeling what i want to feel, and i know i'm not responding to him like i want to respond.
Then he changes something. Most often i'm not even aware of what it is, i do however feel different, and if i feel different i respond different. So i told him; "but you must notice when something is working?" He wants me to tell him (Understandably so, i just don't know if i can. Note can, not won't!)
And this is one of our biggest differences i think. The fact is that i don't know what is working (or maybe even changing), i just know that my response is different. And my response is different because i feel different. It's not even something i think and do, it's a crude case of cause & effect.
So just like i don't think about "wrongs" i don't think about the "rights". And i don't mean by choice, which i realize it may sound like, it's just that my brain don't work that way. Just like i don't sit and think about what to write; i just start and what ends up on the "paper" just ends up there as i go along. That's how my thoughts work. They are "just there", and this is why i often don't even know my own thoughts until i am actually typing them.
It's not thoughts that end up in typing, it's more typing that ends up in thoughts, if that makes any sense whatsoever? Probably not.
OK so back to the other submissives (cos i know i'm gonna be nit-picked about this one)....
It's not that i think that Sir doesn't want me. Or even a submissive like me (because i know he wants me), i'm referring to it more being his style. His natural style. I'm not. Which obviously causes challenges. And that without even counting for all the other challenges i pose!
One thing to compare could be that i am sure none of his other subs has ever "argued" like i do (i'll come back to the definition of argue later). They have probably never been as honest as i am either.
I know that when Sir asks or tells me something the correct reply is for the most just a simple "Yes Sir". And i could do that (who am i kidding?! OK, in theory i could do that) but i have always been honest. Let's look at it for a minute. First you have to remember that we are mostly behind a computer screen (a non-animated non-personal one i want to add), so if i say "Yes Sir" and nothing more that is all he will see and know. Now had i been there in person and i had said "Yes Sir" but not been happy about it He would notice (hopefully). Hence, i do in words what normally my body language would tell him. This is where the "arguing" comes in. In general it's not arguing, it's letting him know exactly how i think and feel about something. It doesn't only have it's downsides. If you really look at it you can also see that if i never did this, he would never know i do stuff even when i don't want to, when i don't feel like it, and even when i think he's an arse for even suggesting something (Yes that happens! Sorry Sir...but it's me we're talking about here). Thing is though-, i've never (in the end) refused him anything! And doing something you really don't feel like or even agree with can say a lot more about your submission, than just doing it with a nice simple submissive "Yes Sir" would do. But yes, it's under the surface. At the surface i can understand it can look argumentative or bratty. And yes, admittedly sometimes maybe i do try to change his mind with my whining about it (i would say that the stats of me t r u l y wanting it at the end of the day though is about 1/1000000). I'm simply honest about how i feel about it. Now if he don't actually want to hear it, "all" he has to do is tell me to shut up. I think he's coming to realize this.
That it's not about bratting and it's not about changing his mind really, but about me just always saying what i think -yes i know, it costs me a lot in life! But it has it's advantages too.
This morning he told me how he'd been at the post office, and while standing idle waiting for his turn he'd thought how much he appreciates my honesty. Now, i'm sure it's not this side of the honesty he referred to, but it's two sides to the same coin. I am always honest -sure i tell an odd white lie just like everyone else, but i don't withhold information about my feelings just because they are not what's meant to be said.
So maybe you could say that,at the end of the day, my "arguing"/talking back, tells as much about my submission as it does my lack of it?
Rambling much? Yep! Sorry about that. But hey, it's me....
|Pretty sure this is more or less how my brain would look like on an X-Ray!|
I suggest you go read it!
Thianna D's Kinky Blog: Rituals - Building Love and Peace: Yesterday I went to a Munch about an hour away and the discussion was about Rituals - those things that help remind you who you are and wha...
Yeah.... i guess you read Sir's blog? Well, i know some of you did anyways.
That's where we're at.
|my life recently|
Today has been one of them days where i wish i could go lie in a corner and waste away into nothing. It's sucked from the moment i opened my eyes. Or that's not quite true, the evening has been surprisingly good.
Today has had nothing to do with Sir and me though -it's been all about TB. And losing the headset to my less than a week old new phone. And then CBT group (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) -which was actually surprisingly good considering how i felt today!
But that's not really what i'm supposed to blog about i guess.
Thing is....when it comes to Sir and i, i don't really know what to say.
We've been in a shit place.
I've acted horrendously. He's been an idiot (sorry Sir). And round the merry-go-round we go...
I think we might be getting somewhere though, although i barely dare say it (i know how i jinx myself!).
I must say i am very happy Sir's started blogging again though! And it feels like we are slowly coming to be on the same page. Whereas for quite some time it's felt like we've been on different chapters, or even reading different books. At least different.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Sunday, Jan 27th, 2013
Grrr...i hate waiting!
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Saturday, Jan 26th, 2013
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
Saturday, Jan 26th, 2013
I know a lot of ppl find these bullshit, and generally i just find them fun, but i tell you these ones are so damned scary close to reality it's unreal!
Sir and i are in a weird place right now. I don't really wanna go into detail here, i don't think Sir would like that, but a lot is going on.
If i'm not writing here it's mostly for that reason; i don't really know what to say about it.
If you want to know about other aspects of my life, like training and such, you can follow my other blog:
|click picture to go to blog|
that is now up and running again! And so am i for that matter! Had meeting with personal trainer yesterday and started VLCD today. Heading out for a long walk with the dog in a bit (just need to down one of those not no tasty shakes first *lol*).
See you soon i hope!
|Yep, i'm Tweety|
|It's time to start something new! Read your New Moon in Capricorn Horoscope and see why the things you start now will stick.|
General Daily Horoscope Influences
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Monday, Jan 14th, 2013
I think the New Moon in Capricorn Horoscope mentioned above forgot who it was talking about though!
Yeah that so isn't me! *my downfalls*
I was gonna write a bit about the conversation that stemmed from my last post, but i realize many don't bother reading these ones so i will make it into a separate one later.
Now i have to get ready for my course (i couldn't coerce Sir into letting me stay home today *pouts*)!
- Computer 1a
Goes through the computer system structure, components and peripherals. You develop include the ability to install and configure application software, networks and printers, as well as learn the procedures for protecting information.
- Programming 1
Is an introductory course in programming. You get basic theoretical and practical knowledge of programming. You will also learn the basics of systems design and structuring techniques and knowledge of the interaction between applications, runtime environment, operating system and hardware. To get the maximum benefit from the course, you should have good computer skills.
- Web Development 1
This course provides basic knowledge on technical aspects of various media formats and interaction between clients, users, designers and developers. You practice your ability to build websites and web applications according to standards and guidelines for good practice, and with good accessibility for people with different conditions. You get knowledge of application architecture and separation of different types of logic.
- Programming 2
Programming 2, based on the Programming 1, gives knowledge of interfaces with users, files, file systems, operating systems, databases and Internet. You will also learn object-oriented programming in theory and practice.
- Web Development 2
The course builds on Web Development 1 and deepen your knowledge of the topic. You are given the opportunity to develop products that comply with standards and national / international codes of practice, usability, accessibility and security. You also develop knowledge of relevant laws and regulations, the ability to do web-related ethical considerations.
- Digital creation 1
The course provides knowledge to design and develop ideas through the use of digital tools. You get knowledge of the technical equipment, structure, function, limitations and opportunities. One goal is to provide an understanding of how sound works as a means of expression in digital environments.
- Web Server Programming 1
This course gives you the ability to plan, implement, document and evaluate the development of websites and web applications or other types of applications based on web technologies. You will learn about character encoding and the ability to handle different standards for character encoding, as well as the safety and ability to identify and thwart attacks.
- Multimedia System
This course provides advanced knowledge of computers, computer and communication systems and different types of network structure and function. You will learn how to plan and perform work in computers and given the skills to perform optimization, fix errors, and administration and diagnosis of computer and communication systems.
Yeah, it's been a while, i know. Sorry 'bout that.
I hope you've all had a fantastic holiday and that you got to finish off 2012 exactly as you wanted to. My New Years' was spent at home with Sir and TB =)
Of course i was the impeccable model of a perfect submissive!
OK, so maybe not.
In fact, not at all! Actually i'm pretty ashamed of my behaviour over the week that Sir stayed here. By some miracle we still managed to have a pretty good time though.
I actually lost my inspiration to write just now (yeah i got distracted by the TV, sorry!) *looks sheepish*
I was gonna tell you so much too! But i prefer to do it properly instead of just because...so i'll get back to you!
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