This is a follow up of my previous post about the difference in submission. I spoke of how I sometimes do things out of submission, but don't feel submissive whilst doing them.
xPygarx and I discussed the difference of the two, and how he as a Dom saw it.
Now if I had published the original reply to his comment it would've set the world record as the longest comment reply in history! So I made it into this follow up post instead.
P's advice to me was to discuss this with Master, I had done this already, and I'm glad I did because it was weighing me down unnecessarily. Master and I discussed this and He understands it and isn't all that bothered by it (and by that I don't mean about my feelings, just to clarify), or maybe worried is a better choice of word here.
In our discussion I made it very clear that I do feel submissive to Him -undoubtedly so. Just not in some of the actions I have been asked to do. I feel duty in doing them, and I always do my best so don't get me wrong, and it gives me great pleasure when He is pleased with my performance. It just don't make me feel submissive in a sense that I get into a different mindset during the action itself.
Master's take on this was that it may be because He isn't very strict, He gives me a lot of freedom and a big scope to play with. What we agreed on doing is that I would kneel for a time after every shower (due to my living arrangements I kinda had to modify that as I went along), and after a few days of doing that He said that I could now do it when I feel the need to feel more submissive. This helps -and I like to kneel, I can't wait for a time where I will be able to kneel at His feet -just the thought of it makes me break out in a smile =)
I can gladly say that Master isn't one of those stereotypical Doms Px speaks of; the stereotypical Dom that say "it isn't about her it is about me" and not care about her feelings as long as the submission is there.
We/i also concluded that it might be because the submission don't feel the same to me as it did in the beginning -you know when you have that kinda sub-frenzy as a proper newbie?
I am still a newbie, but I think that glorification has worn off. And that is probably the biggest thing that causes this confusion in me; I have changed and grown, and I just haven't really caught up with myself yet.
I've come a long way in a very short space of time, and I guess I'm acclimatizing to it all.
But basically, and this was a very important realization for me, it isn't my submission that is the problem, it is about me catching up with myself in my progression. It has become a part of me, it isn't any longer a "new persona" that I'm eager to (ful)fill, it has become me. And I also know for sure that it will be completely different when I am right before Him, because even in my thoughts and dreams about it I feel different -I feel submissive just by being there, even in my mind's eye.
Maybe one can conclude that it isn't about a difference in submission, just the perception of and feelings around it?
But, this begs a new question: How do you catch up with your own progression when it lags behind mentally?
