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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Feeling submission

submission is different for everyone. How we perceive it, how we feel it.
I've heard a lot of people classing themselves as "natural" or "not natural" submissives.

I only yesterday realized that I am what they would call "a natural", but I am still unsure of the difference between the two.
I have a natural way of doing things so that it will make the life of others easier, to make it "better" for them -but that's a personality trait is it not? Does that really say anything about my submission?

How about the feeling of submission, does that differ between the two types? I have a natural tendency towards submissive behaviour, but what if I don't feel submissive? Does that shift me to the other type?

I have tried to explain to Master how I think -or rather feel- about this, about my submission; and I have always said "I don't feel submissive",going on to explain that I feel submissive to Him but I don't feel submissive in my head.
Yesterday I had to write a blog post on this on my personal blog, about goals I want to achieve that I haven't already. I also took to the opportunity to try to look at my progression so far, this told me one thing; I am submissive. I feel it in my heart and soul -but still not in my head.
When we discussed this last night Master said "maybe it's not needed?" But for me it is. I feel like I'm lacking something, like something is missing. But it is also something I need to let go of for now. I'm too hung up on it and it might actually be holding me back from progressing further.

Maybe it is as simple as "seeing is believing"? I have a mind that is very much into "proof", it want's to know how and why down to the smallest particle of the subject at hand -this always drove my teachers nuts! I couldn't just take a "it's just how it is" -I need to know why it is as it is. So maybe all it wants is some proof of my submission, i e it wants to see it with "it's own eyes" so to speak.

But I wonder if someone else out there has had the same issue of knowing they are submissive but not really being able to get to grips with the thought processes of it?

How do you see the typing of natural vs learning submissives? I wonder also if it is something that Doms see or think of too, or if it simply is a need for submissives to categorize themselves?

I think Doms have a way of making their own categorization quite easy; they are either sadistic or not, harsh/strict or not, compassionate/caring/loving or not.
And that's about it. (I've had a hard time finding the right words for these categorizations, I don't seem to be able to find the right words, but hopefully some Dom(s) will help me out with this *hint hint* )
I have rarely -if ever- heard a Dom wonder if he is Dominant enough, they solely reflect over how they are-, and want to assert their Dominance.
I'm sure they do at times, maybe when they feel they lack control over a situation or maybe after a session gone wrong. I do not think it is something they worry about outside of these instances though, i e they only worry when something has happened to trigger this doubt. I think though that many submissives worry about their abilities and their level of submissiveness even outside of any specific occasion. But I might be completely wrong in this, maybe it's just me?
Although I find that in many a submissive forums a frequent question is "Am I submissive (enough)?"

Do we submissives make it more complicated than it needs be? Is it not enough for us too to reflect over how we are- and want to give our submission?With love,


MASTER J said...

I have one sub who questions nothing. But what can i do next? I have another who does question everything but at least she does seem to learn her lessons over time. The only thing that I have found to be true over time is that everyone is different. Thus they all need to be treated differently. I have not found a set of rules that fit every sub. Of course the general ones usually work for all. But each person has their own mental processes and it is MY job to discover that process and use it to MY own ends. As a Dom I do thing long and hard about MY sub/slaves well being. Mentally and emotionally they all have different triggers and rationalizations for what they do.

Hope that helps.


April 13, 2011 at 2:17 PM
Pygar said...

I think you answer your own question in your first sentence. "Submission is different for everyone."

So perhaps you are analysing too much again!I am not sure whether it is necessary to feel submissive. One can be submissive without actually feeling it. If one acts submissively and gains pleasure and fulfilment from those actions then perhaps one is submissive. It is not necessary to have some special feeling of submission the whole time - but there are ways of enhancing such feelings of submission - you discuss this yourself in your "Focus" section.

As a Dom I don't particularly feel Dominant. I will act in a Dominant way in relation to a sub and gain pleasure from it. But I do not think that I search for a feeling of being Dominant. I am not sure that would in any case be a good thing.

Doms have doubts and feelings and worries and concerns the same as any human being. Perhaps some are worried if they show this side of their character then their sub may be put off by signs of apparent weakness. However I believe it is a strength to recognise ones weaknesses. Also tenderness from a Dom is I believe an essential part of a healthy D/s relationship.

So don't worry - just do. Be submissive. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Have fun!

April 13, 2011 at 4:01 PM
NewToThisLife07 said...

Master J: yes, everyone is different, for sure! (wouldn't life be boring otherwise?) A sub that question be honest that equals the same as above (sorry, mean no offence in saying that).
Hmmm I don't really know what else to reply to you, except that there is hard for a Dom to find those mental processes if they don't really exists to begin with.
Master does do all the things you mention though, He takes very good care of me =)

P, my friend; always hit the nail on it's head *LOL*
Interesting to hear about your view on the "feeling" part, it gave me some food for thought (you have that tendency on me -although you want me to do the opposite *LOL*)
Yes, Doms have doubts, feeling, worries and concerns too (thank God for that! I don't want to have a robot Dom, as little as I want to be a robot sub). I think we have both written posts about weakness/strength and tenderness/affection before, and we (as always) agree even there -again I wouldn't be with a Dom that didn't!
I do wonder though what the subs that want to have an infallible Dom (that they will never find)are looking for really? But yes, I do believe that many subs have an unrealistic view of Dominants, that they forget that they are human too.
Tenderness -couldn't do without it!
Do, be, enjoy, embrace, fun -got it Sir! *salutes* ;)

Thanks to both of you for commenting :)

April 14, 2011 at 6:34 PM
littlemonkey said...

I know we make it more complicated than it probably really is.

I believed I was "naturally" submissive, until I started to explore on-line, participate in discussions, and seek information. It was then that I began to doubt whether I was a "natural" submissive, or even "really" a submissive at all.

The idea that the goal is to get to the point where you never question either the relationship or yourself in regards to the relationship, really bothers me. I think about everything. The idea of never examining his motives or my own is completely foregn to me. so I began to doubt. Then I realized exactly what both of the Doms said, it is different for everyone.

I'm sure I'll go round again about my submission, make it more difficult than it actually is, but that's me, I question.

April 15, 2011 at 7:11 PM
NewToThisLife07 said...

littlemonkey -me too! And I'm not actually sure it has to be that way, that you never question the relationship or it's dynamic -isn't that how we evolve?

I think online information is a great resource (well my greatest anyways), but you have to be careful what you read into things...

So hey you and me -we'll be the rascal monkeys in the tree! ;)

April 16, 2011 at 2:15 AM
Anonymous said...

I also find this kind of thing comes up for the submissive when she is comparing herself to other women in the lifestyle....there truly is no way to compare ourselves because we are all unique.

April 19, 2011 at 3:54 AM
Stormy said...

I think naturally submissive women question it more, perhaps? Your desire to be more submissive comes from deep within you. My desire to be submissive comes from wanting to please my husband, and from the desire to avoid discipline. I am not a naturally submissive woman. I want it only because it works in our dynamic, and because he wants it very very much. I do not have a deep desire that is a part of who I am. Many women do, and I think it's beautiful, for them.

I don't think you are over complicating it, because pleasing him fulfills you and helps shape your identity and how you see your successes and failures. It makes sense that you would analyze the subtle things about it. Or I could be all wrong on this. :)

April 20, 2011 at 9:17 PM
NewToThisLife07 said...

No Stormy, I think you hit the nail on the head =) And I do sincerely hope that you will find away that works for you, I suppose trial and error is the only way. I understand it must be difficult to try to "force" yourself into a mindset, a way of being. I am not at all submissive outside my submission to Him, I am a "pleaser" yes, but I am also a force to be reckoned with *L* I hope you will find a balance you feel comfortable with.
Thank you so much for commenting -that goes for everyone of course!

April 20, 2011 at 9:38 PM
Anonymous said...

sometime seeing is believing and sometimes believing is seeing.

I think you are correct that some people have a natural tendency to serve and that we mistake this as being a natural tendency for submission.

I think if you follow seeing is believing you will continue to look for proof but submission is a feeling and feelings cannot be proven. When simply (or not so simply I understand) believe you are submissive then you will clearly see that you are. It requires a leap of faith, not proof.

May 2, 2011 at 9:29 PM
NewToThisLife07 said...

I see what you mean Sir J, and that's kind of where the shoe don't really fit...I feel it but I don't. It's like I can feel it at the very core of my being, but for some reason it's like my mind don't. Oh, it's so frustrating 'cause it's so difficult to explain.
But it feels like my mind (maybe) is slowly catching on -slowly!
One of my shortcomings are that I can never get up the mountain fast enough so to speak, and considering how new I am to this maybe it isn't really that strange that I haven't really gotten my head round it yet, everything just moved so quickly! Patience; a virtue I have not been blessed with *LOL*
I guess I have to just come to terms with that I _am_ submissive; I do things out of submission and it gives me satisfaction to do so, and apart from the little issue with the thought processes I also feel submissive -heart, body and soul will have to be enough for now (my mind always do it's on thing anyways *L*).
No longer looking for "proof" rather more of a hope that my mind will get an "AHA! that's what the rest of the body was talking about!" kinda thing...

Thanks for reading =)

May 2, 2011 at 9:46 PM
lil said...

I think you did answer your question when you said it's different for all of us. As an avid over-thinker, I think (no pun intended lol), that it's not always beneficial because it's easy to get stuck in one's head instead of just Being who and what we are and accepting it as it is. Though, there's no harm in striving to be better is there?

May 4, 2011 at 1:27 AM

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