My submissive journey: May 2011

Abstinence and what it does to Slutty subbies

5 days and 22½ hours -that's 142,5 hours; that's how long I went without pain, that's how long it took until I proverbially knelt at Master's feet and asked Him if He would please allow me the pleasure of pain. Master seemed to like that = ) The kneeling, the asking. Shame He couldn't actually see me before Him doing it. Shame I didn't get to do it. I would've loved to do that. Kneel on the floor, having to look up at Him and ask to get tortured, ask to be to His service. Ask, beg, kneel; being lower, being small looking up at the Man that is my Master. The One that owns all of me, rules over me, looks after me.
Maybe service Him before He gives me back the gift I am asking for -longing for, needing.
That, that would be powerful. That would be... beautiful.

Now it didn't quite happen that way, but it did in my mind; in my mind I was there really doing that.

Now Master is a very kind man; He granted my request -but I am under no delusion that it was purely for my sake, for my want of it. I know He missed playing. That He missed using me for His needs, both sexual and sadistic needs. I missed being used -not only the pain itself, which I've come to crave- but also the giving of my body to His service, for His enjoyment, for Him. To Him. Being His. His toy, His girl, His possession -His precious possession- His sub. His.
Of course I never actually stopped being any of the above just because we didn't play, apart from being His toy, the toy was on suspension.
The toy is happy to be back to be played with at her Owner's wish and will. The toy is back in His hands with renewed vigour and appetite. With reinforced durability, and with new ability to satisfy her Owner.

The abstinence did His girl a lot of good -it renewed her need, her desire; for both the pain-mixed pleasure and the need to serve. It took the mundane out of the play and it reawakened her senses. Every nerve sprang back to life again and registered every sensation once again.
The sensations were overwhelming, but in a good way. They washed over her like a tidal wave that crashed against the wall on the shore. Where wave and wall met, and were equally strong. Equally powerful. Neither could win over the other so they worked in synchronization. They were indistinguishable from each other.

I couldn't feel the difference between the pleasure and pain, all I know is that when I felt the pain hit it's peak it divided in two. Just when it got to the "Oh shit!"-stage it turned into a quaking "Oooh shit!"
And it kept going. Pleasure kept rippling through me and I was quaking and convulsing and silently moaning like just before an orgasm hit, and it kept on going -it was glorious and it was tormenting, just like being kept on the very edge of an orgasm but never being given the release. Or like when an orgasm -or rather orgasms- just won't stop coming, it doesn't cease until you have to force yourself to remove the pleasure because you just can't take any more. Like I said; glorious. Glorious but also exhausting, and eventually I begged for release -any release! Orgasm or simply just removal of what was causing this beautiful reaction -I couldn't take it any longer! And I begged. I don't think I've ever begged before, but that's what I did now. And suddenly it was there; the Orgasm Control. It excited me -I really hoped He would give me the release I craved for, that I was begging for. But at the same time not. This is what I had been longing for; denial. The epitome of Power. But I so needed the release -and Master granted me it. And God was it good! Shame the orgasm with promised explosions faded as it always does.
I can only imagine what that glorious torment must've looked like, but I can be quite sure of one thing; Master would have loved to see me in that state! Tormented, pleasured and begging. One day He will -soon! But not soon enough, it can't be soon enough. But as much as I wish I could've been there months ago I just realized that it might actually be good that it hasn't been possible -which is a revelation! A soothing revelation. Why?Because I have come so much further since then, even recently -further in my processing of sensations, further in my abilities, and further in my submission. I feel it now -really feel it! (A previous post about my inability to feel submission can be found here). Especially after all this absence -not only absence of pain but also the absence of Master. We haven't been able to do things in the same way as we always do recently. And it changed me -in a good way.
When Master was gone for Christmas it was torment -I was so longing for Him! When He was away this time, on business at the other side of the world it felt differently, good in some way. Now, I realise how that may sound but it's not like that. It was good in the way that this time I didn't feel so clingy; I could let go and be Melinda, whereas over Christmas I was "just" melinda missing a significant part, being in limbo. Now I wasn't in limbo; I was...more settled. Maybe it has to do with security? I feel secure in my being His, in my submission and most of all in Him being mine too -and that it is how we both want it. It's not going to change "just like that". This is what we both want and we're both happy with what we've got. I'm not scared any more, I feel more confident; both in my role and in myself -I feel...wanted, treasured and precious -that is a feeling I don't ever think I have experienced before, ever. And it feels good, so very good! I'm His, only His and He is mine, only mine -albeit with different roles, just the way we want it.
And I'm happy, for the first time in a very very long time I'm happy.
He made me happy again, and He keeps making me happy.

My safe-harbour. My Master. My sweet man and my happiness.

And I am His. His subbie. His sweet girl and His precious possession. His to bring Him whatever He wishes for. His -just His.

Spanking/flogging

SHOWstudio: The Fashion Body - Buttocks from SHOWstudio on Vimeo.

Isn't that just beautiful?

What do you like about giving/receiving a spanking/flogging? Is it always sexual in nature? Apart from punishments that is.
Do you ever give/receive just because you need the release the pain gives you, to make you feel "lighter" when you feel stressed out or bogged down?
Is it always sensual? Maybe you only do it out of service, with no real personal need for it?

Or maybe you only use it as punishment (I mean we can't all be painsluts and sadists)? Or maybe you don't do it at all?

I would love to hear your take on it, personally I think I fit in on a lot of them -I just love a good spanking!
But I just happen to be a painslut =P

Change without loss

In my column of links to the right of this post I have a link to The Submissive Guide. It's a very useful community for submissives where they can learn from each other, exchange questions and ideas and read a lot of useful articles on different topics. The latest newsletter "Changing for Master and Maintaining Ourselves" made me stop and think.

Is changing yourself for your Master inevitable? Yes, I think so.

All Doms/Masters have different rules, different views and different likes and dislikes. Different things have different meaning and is of differing importance -just like between any two people.

Even in "vanilla" relationships we change ourselves to accommodate the other, we act differently around different people. We act one way with a close friend, one way with a colleague and yet another way with a sibling or a parent, so of course we will also act differently for every person we enter into a relationship with too.

Now, in a D/s relationship that change may be more palpable, it isn't something that "just happens", it's deliberate and it's clearcut; "this is the way I want this, and this is the way I want that" kinda thing -it's rules of engagement rather than just a subtle change to accommodate one another.

In this newsletter the author had read from a submissive's blog where she had written about how she felt she had changed since she'd met her Master and how "she wanted to go back to the more outgoing, social being she had been before she met Him." She pointed out that after all, this was what had attracted Him to her in the first place.

The author (of the newsletter) reacted to this and pondered over how we change for our Masters/Dominants and whether it is a good or a bad thing.

She wrote "Could we lose ourselves in the process of becoming a better submissive/ slave? Or, could we lose what attracted the Dominant to us in the first place?"

Now, I am quite a playful cheeky person, which I struggled with greatly when I first met my Master, that's until I realized that that's one of the things He likes about me -with moderation of course! He doesn't want to change it ( but maybe curb it a little ;) ).

But my point being, that even if they want to change certain things about you it doesn't have to erase you or your personality. Yes, they will most likely show you what is within their acceptable limits and what they like and don't like, but it doesn't have to change you -just your way of expressing it!

She continues the newsletter with describing how she has often "struggle[d] to the point of frustration at being ‘better’ in various ways." And haven't we all? What I really liked though was how her Master often responded to this by leaving her a note reiterating His philosophy; “All you have to do is be willing to submit. It doesn’t matter if you fail or succeed. What I do with it after is up to Me.”

I really liked that philosophy! Being willing and trying is the most important thing -of course one should strive for success, but in the end it is the effort that counts.

So my conclusion on this is that changing how a person is presenting themselves is completely different to changing who a person is.

Why would one change the very thing that attracted you to the person in the first place?

How does you as a submissive feel you have changed for your Dom? Have you changed something you feel you rather hadn't changed?

In what way do you as a Dom want to change your submissive?

After thought:
Isn't there a difference between 'change' and 'shape / mould'?

Maybe that's where you find the right balance?

To change the submissive's 'bad traits'; the weaknesses and shortcomings but not the person, and to shape the way they service so that it fits into just that Dom's ways?

(But maybe that was a given?)

I don't know, just a thought -I would love to hear your views on this!

Topping from the bottom

Yet again has Pygar's blog inspired me -thank you!

In his post Domination, service and submission subbrooke said in her comment "i will do things like pick up after Him, refresh His drink, get the remote for Him or fix His plate on my own. But most other things i feel like i'm topping if i do them without an order. "

This was my respons:
"To me that is not topping from the bottom it is being proactive . Isn't topping from the bottom defined as 'trying to take the decision making away from him'? Like trying to tell him what to do? Of course when it comes to sexual favours it might not be such a good idea to just jump on him =P But I think that for example kneeling in front of him asking (for example) "Master may I service/pleasure you orally (or whatever it is that you want to do)?" I don't find that to be topping from the bottom -I see that as offering service (even if it is because I feel like it, because it is still service right? Nothing that says I'm not allowed to derive pleasure from it is there? Unless you have that as a rule of course -however that would be possible I do not know though!) Same goes for asking for something you want for yourself, i e if you want a spanking I don't see anything wrong in asking for one; respectfully (as above for example) -it is still his choice if he will or not, therefore not topping. In my book.
Maybe there's a Dom in here that would like to admonish me for this, but that is my take on it =P "

So what is "topping from the bottom"?

Here's a couple definitions that I have found in my search:

* it's a self-centered mindset that treats dominance like an on-demand service. www.tribe.net

* The term “topping from the bottom,” sometimes called “topping from below,” refers to a submissive/bottom’s attempt to exert control in a consensual power exchange dynamic in which that individual has ostensibly surrendered their control. www.houseofvoid.com

In my opinion there is a very big difference between topping from the bottom and being proactive. Being proactive is anticipating your Master's needs, without Him always having to give you orders. Being proactive shows that you have your Master's wants and needs in mind even if He hasn't asked anything of you. Being proactive is the difference between being active or passive.

As I said in my comment above; I think asking to be allowed to give service -respectfully- shows dedication, desire and submission.

Even if it is because you want to -even if you want it for yourself, for your pleasure (too). You want to pleasure Him. You want to show Him how much it pleases you to do so.

Same goes for asking for something you want done to you! Not many Doms wants their submissive to hide her desires, to keep things to herself, for her to go around being frustrated, dissatisfied (in fact, isn't transparency a rule for many -if not most- submissives??). However much we like to look at our Doms as perfect super-humans they're not -they cannot read your mind!

So, if you want that spanking -ask for it! He might just say yes -but He has the choice to say no, and that, that is what makes the difference between topping from the bottom from simply making your desires known. That is not manipulation, it's a request. Topping from the bottom is being manipulative to get what you want, effectively removing the Doms choice. A request is asking, not telling. First when He knows your desire can He make a decision whether to grant it to you or not. Yes; grant. His choice. His decision. His control. His power. And that is what Doms do; decisions, control, power.