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Monday, May 30, 2011

Abstinence and what it does to Slutty subbies

 5 days and 22½ hours -that's 142,5 hours; that's how long I went without pain, that's how long it took until I proverbially knelt at Master's feet and asked Him if He would please allow me the pleasure of pain. Master seemed to like that  = ) The kneeling, the asking. Shame He couldn't actually see me before Him doing it. Shame I didn't get to do it. I would've loved to do that. Kneel on the floor, having to look up at Him and  ask  to get tortured,  ask  to be to His service. Ask, beg, kneel; being lower, being small looking up at the Man that is my Master. The One that owns all of me, rules over me, looks after me.
Maybe service Him before He gives me back the gift I am asking for -longing for, needing. 
That, that would be powerful. That would be... beautiful. 

Now it didn't quite happen that way, but it did in my mind; in my mind I was there really doing that.

Now Master is a very kind man; He granted my request -but I am under no delusion that it was purely for my sake, for my want of it. I know He missed playing. That He missed using me for His needs, both sexual and sadistic needs. I missed being used -not only the pain itself, which I've come to crave- but also the giving of my body to His service, for His enjoyment, for Him. To Him. Being His. His toy, His girl, His possession -His precious possession- His sub. His.
Of course I never actually stopped being any of the above just because we didn't play, apart from being His toy, the toy was on suspension.
The toy is happy to be back to be played with at her Owner's wish and will. The toy is back in His hands with renewed vigour and appetite. With reinforced durability, and with new ability to satisfy her Owner.

The abstinence did His girl a lot of good -it renewed her need, her desire; for both the pain-mixed pleasure and the need to serve. It took the mundane out of the play and it reawakened her senses. Every nerve sprang back to life again and registered every sensation once again.
The sensations were overwhelming, but in a good way. They washed over her like a tidal wave that crashed against the wall on the shore. Where wave and wall met, and were equally strong. Equally powerful. Neither could win over the other so they worked in synchronization. They were indistinguishable from each other.

I couldn't feel the difference between the pleasure and pain, all I know is that when I felt the pain hit it's peak it divided in two. Just when it got to the "Oh shit!"-stage it turned into a quaking "Oooh shit!"
And it kept going. Pleasure kept rippling through me and I was quaking and convulsing and silently moaning like just before an orgasm hit, and it kept on going -it was glorious and it was tormenting, just like being kept on the very edge of an orgasm but never being given the release. Or like when an orgasm -or rather orgasms- just won't stop coming, it doesn't cease until you have to force yourself to remove the pleasure because you just can't take any more. Like I said; glorious. Glorious but also exhausting, and eventually I begged for release -any release! Orgasm or simply just removal of what was causing this beautiful reaction -I couldn't take it any longer! And I begged. I don't think I've ever begged before, but that's what I did now. And suddenly it was there; the Orgasm Control. It excited me -I really hoped He would give me the release I craved for, that I was begging for. But at the same time not. This is what I had been longing for; denial. The epitome of Power. But I so needed the release -and Master granted me it. And God was it good! Shame the orgasm with promised explosions faded as it always does.
I can only imagine what that glorious torment must've looked like, but I can be quite sure of one thing; Master would have loved to see me in that state! Tormented, pleasured and begging. One day He will -soon! But not soon enough, it can't be soon enough. But as much as I wish I could've been there months ago I just realized that it might actually be good that it hasn't been possible -which is a revelation! A soothing revelation. Why?Because I have come so much further since then, even recently -further in my processing of sensations, further in my abilities, and further in my submission. I feel it now -really feel it! (A previous post about my inability to feel submission can be found here). Especially after all this absence -not only absence of pain but also the absence of Master. We haven't been able to do things in the same way as we always do recently. And it changed me -in a good way. 
When Master was gone for Christmas it was torment -I was so longing for Him! When He was away this time, on business at the other side of the world it felt differently, good in some way. Now, I realise how that may sound but it's not like that. It was good in the way that this time I didn't feel so clingy; I could let go and be Melinda, whereas over Christmas I was "just" melinda missing a significant part, being in limbo. Now I wasn't in limbo; I was...more settled. Maybe it has to do with security? I feel secure in my being His, in my submission and most of all in Him being mine too -and that it is how we both want it. It's not going to change "just like that". This is what we both want and we're both happy with what we've got. I'm not scared any more, I feel more confident; both in my role and in myself -I feel...wanted, treasured and precious -that is a feeling I don't ever think I have experienced before, ever. And it feels good, so very good! I'm His, only His and He is mine, only mine -albeit with different roles, just the way we want it.
And I'm happy, for the first time in a very very long time I'm happy.
He made me happy again, and He keeps making me happy.

My safe-harbour. My Master. My sweet man and my happiness.

And I am His. His subbie. His sweet girl and His precious possession. His to bring Him whatever He wishes for. His -just His.   

With love,


Anonymous said...

I just discovered your blog and I really enjoyed reading it! :)

I am new in the lifestyle as well and constantly learning. Mind if I add you to my blog roll?

June 5, 2011 at 6:01 PM
Sweet girl (aka NewToThisLife07) said...

Hi Hisdesires! I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I'd just be happy if you added me to your blog roll, thank you for wanting to do so =)

June 5, 2011 at 6:19 PM

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