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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Weakness or strength?

I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately -why does so many Doms (apparently) see showing affection, showing your true person, as weak to them? (Pygar, Sir J and my Master are immediately removed from this category ;) )

I think a lot of my wonderings come from forums in different internet BDSM-communities, where I see questions and comments suggesting that it would be "too much giving" for a Dom to give his sub oral sex for instance, that it would be like "servicing"?

That showing emotions would be a sign of weakness? I myself would be worried if my Dom was incapable of showing emotions and giving of Himself -to me that is a red flag right there!

In fact, the capability -and maybe even more so, the willingness- to show these parts of oneself is to me considered a strength!

Even Doms are human, just ordinary humans.
Even Doms have feelings, insecurities, weaknesses and even lapses in judgement. Does that not just prove that they are human?

What I find fascinating though is that there also seem to be subs out there that expect Doms to be Überhuman (which is kinda contradictory in terms of above mentioned point).

Which further lead me to the subject of Dom-drop / crash.
It is not a subject that is written about a lot. Maybe if more Doms realized they aren't infallible the drop would not turn into a crash? Not saying all crashes can be avoided this way, of course. But maybe, just maybe, that knowing that one isn't perfect just because he (or she for that matter, but I will be generalizing this time) is Dominant? Is it possible for anyone not to make mistakes in the interaction with other people? Especially in TTWD (Sir J, I hope you don't mind me having nicked your expression here! In that case give me a stern look and a pointed finger so I know ;) ). In TTWD we make ourselves vulnerable. Yes probably mostly the sub, well not mostly, just to a greater extent. But I think the same vulnerability can be applied for the Doms -don't they too put themselves out there? Can't they too be hurt or feel violated? D/s relationships are very intense and play on a lot of feelings -on both sides of the court.

Why is there so much more discussion about subs? Is it just because there is such a great fear from many Doms of seeming weak? They don't want to ask questions that can make them seem "weak". Why suffer in silence I ask? Why be a martyr when you can get support and maybe actually come out stronger and more capable at the end of it?
There are countless communities and forums out there specifically orientated for subs -why not for Doms? (Well, I haven't come across one anyway)

So maybe I should challenge you Doms -anyone up to the task? (OK, maybe bad choice of word to direct at a Dom *LOL* )

If there was such a Forum/Community, would you use it?With love,


Anonymous said...

I am afraid I cannot take credit for the expression TTWD in fact you can find it in the urban dictionary, here:
It is a common phrase in regular usage if you know where to look or are in the right place. Perhaps the same is true for Dominant hang outs.

January 14, 2011 at 2:35 AM
NewToThisLife07 said...

Hi Sir J,
Oh I have seen the term in other places, but I think I saw the acronym for the first time on your blog =)

If you do know of any Dom hang-out do tell =) I do not mean to give addresses, of course. Would just want to find out if they do exist, and am curious of how it is set up etc. If you've ever encountered/participated in one, did you find it helpful? Do you think a Dom new to the scene would benefit from such a forum?

Thank you for commenting =)

January 14, 2011 at 12:58 PM
Pygar said...

Thank you NewToThisLife07 for recognising that I do not see expressing emotions as a weakness. Indeed I see it as a strength. I think I may once have written a post about it on my own blog. Thank you for raining it - I do agree with your thoughts.

I am not sure of websites specifically for Doms though - or whether I would necessarily feel very comfortable there. Though I have been pleased by the number of Doms who have commented on my blog who seem to be of a like mind.

P xx

January 18, 2011 at 4:22 PM
NewToThisLife07 said...

Pygar my friend =) Could you elaborate a bit on why you might feel uncomforatble in such a forum? Thisquestion was also recently raised in a community i frequent and I think the majority there also came to the conclusion that there would be too much cock-fighting (and measuring :P). But why is it so difficult for Doms to exchange ideas and ideologies in a "closed" forum, when it works (to some extent) in mixed forums? Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to turn to after a crash? Someone else who has experienced it? Or talk to about different ways of leading the lifestyle in general? Why does it has to be so much testosterone involved?
Take you for example; you give of yourself quite freely in your blog, so does the Doms frequenting it -so why not in a place intended specifically for it?

Don't get me wrong, I can see the reasons why it doesn't really exist, I just can't understand the 'why not?' Could you not just leave your dicks at the door? *LOL*

January 21, 2011 at 1:54 AM
Pygar said...

You ask such hard questions NewToThisLife07!!!!

I don't think this is just about D and s - it is more about m and f, M and f and m and F - if that makes any sense - oh and even more about m and m and f and f - rearrange the upper case letters as you feel appropriate!

Men are stereotyped as not being good at talking to each other about serious personal issues and women stereotyped as being the opposite. Of course this is a huge simplification but there is a truth underlying it.

Perhaps it is the testosterone you mention - and maybe it is the recognition of that in Doms that makes it even more difficult.

Having said that - there are D/s websites and message boards where issues are discussed and Doms do open up. It can perhaps be easier because there are also subs there both male and female and also Dommes. So it stops being a male Dom issue - but can be discussed with views from all sides.

However I think I am avoiding your question!

There are places where female subs can talk together. I think that is very good and important. So should there not be such places for male Doms? Yes perhaps there should.

Would I visit?

Perhaps if I had a specific question. Though as a community I don't feel myself attracted to it.

That attitude is of course silly. I have met some very, very, very supportive Doms. One who I have not met even offered me a place to stay when he feared I might have been in a crisis. I am very grateful to those Doms who have been supportive of my writing.

Perhaps as Doms we need to recognise that we can learn and gain support from each other in exactly the same way as subs.

None of us are invincible.

P xx

January 21, 2011 at 9:11 PM
NewToThisLife07 said...

*LOL* I'm glad I don't just write dravel then Px ;)

You wrote "Having said that - there are D/s websites and message boards where issues are discussed and Doms do open up. It can perhaps be easier because there are also subs there both male and female and also Dommes. So it stops being a male Dom issue - but can be discussed with views from all sides."
And this is exactly how I have found it to be! Maybe it is just a case of a need to throw some oestrogen into the mix -maybe it is just that simple?

I am so glad P that you have found so many good people around you -but it as they say; Treat people like you want to be treated and you will have it in return. =)

What you said about specific Forums for just Doms got me thinking though -maybe there needen't be a specific forum just for Doms. Like we've established it works well in general community sites -maybe all that would be needed is a forum thread that is (maybe) locked for Dom users only? Oh and read Dom/me :)

Maybe it isn't such a big issue really -maybe it's just me who finds it unfair or at the very least unbalanced?

Of course I recognize that there are as many *types* of Doms as there are Doms -just like with subs, and maybe not all types (think they?) need it. I find it a very interesting topic though -and as always Px your input is very honest, insightful and inspiring =) Thank you!

January 22, 2011 at 5:10 PM
Anonymous said...

I think part of the make up of being a Dom is that we generally think we are right, the more public the forum the more likely we are to stick to our point of view as being the correct one. It is our nature. I think that many Doms, especially those more interested in the greater community, do reach out and do communicate. I know for instance I have exchanged email with Px and I have learned from that.

However it is only in those one on one situations where I feel comfortable doing that. I don't think it is a matter of Doms not sharing but rather a situation not unlike the vanilla male and female world where the way we do it is different. Not right or wrong, just different.

January 27, 2011 at 4:50 PM
NewToThisLife07 said...

I think you're onto something there Sir J! I think I get it now (please correct me if I'm wrong!), so how I understand it it's like being able to talk to a mate whilst having a beer at the pub, but nothing you'd sit around the campfire to discuss?

Yes seems very much like a guy-thing in general, and even more so in Doms -I can see it being difficult having a good, honest, open dialogue if :everyone_ is right and unwilling to budge *LOL*

I'm really glad to hear that you do reach out though, like mailing with Px (which we have in common btw ;) )-because in the ned it's not about _how_ it's done that matters, what matters is that it is done, and that it gives yo something positive.

Thank you Sir J! =)

January 28, 2011 at 1:00 AM

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