My submissive journey: August 2011

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?

( Irrational much? )

an exaggerated usually inexplicable and illogical fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation

I have a phobia of spiders, well most creepy-crawlies actually. It's kept me up many a nights, this is one of them.
As seen in the definition above, phobia is an excessive/irrational fear of something. I am not afraid of spiders or other creepy-crawlies. I don't think they're gonna eat me alive or even injure me -but I do think that they're utterly, incredibly, skin creepingly disgusting. (Wouldn't you agree?)
Call me irrational if you like.

We all experience fear. We all have them, in one form or another. Fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of failing. Fear of small (enclosed)- or wide open spaces. Fear of the dark. Fear of God. Fear of losing someone/something significant to us.

We can even fear the fear.

Although some fear is good; it can keep us alive, keep us safe.
Others can be damaging -outright crippling; keeping us from living, holding us back.
Being fearless isn't good either -fearlessness makes one take unnecessary (read stupid) risks and can cause major harm to both yourself and those around you.

I guess it's just like everything else in life, it's about striking a balance.

Like the (for us) famous Swedish saying:

Lagom är bäst.

(Lagom means 'just enough', 'in moderation', and is a very typical saying and I guess also motto in Sweden -pretty drab really! Oh and yeah, you guessed it! Bäst means best ; ) )

What are your fears? Do you think they are rational or irrational? Do you know what "caused" this fear? Do they affect your life in any significant way?

(or is it just me sitting up awake because of it? *LOL*)

Has TTWD had any impact on it at all?

For better or worse?

Eeny, Meeny, Miney , Moe?

Not so long ago I asked about what you and yours' call each other, if there where certain titles or not.
My turn to answer I guess.
I call Master either just that, or Sir or by His given name. I use Sir a lot, mainly because I like it. I have never been told to call Him anything specific, in fact when we first met and I asked I remember He said "I like names". *LOL* My Man's a pretty down to earth guy. I did ask Him a while back what I could use to call Him by apart from Master or Sir on the blog, because it can get kind of repetitive, I don't think He really got what I meant, we never really got anywhere with that. So I have called Him Master or Sir here.
He gets it now though -yesterday He asked me the very same, and since I'm me I just had to say "so You get what I mean now?" ^^ And yes, yes He did. So, from now on when I don't call Him Sir or Master, He will be Brutus! - Just love it! *hihihi* Will be even more fitting as Sadistic Brute (rather than Bastard -which was actually nicked! Sorry to whomever I nicked it from *sheepish grin*).

I wonder who my date is with tonight; Eeny, Meeny, miney, moe?

Epiphany

Yes, I just had one, an epiphany that is!

I'm HAPPY!!

Like, a normal person Happy!

Now all of you out there thinking; .....eeeeh OK?

I will explain it for you all later - but for now, I'm happy!

That was all.

Yes Sir | Yes Master | or Yes Daddy?

I know Master is gonna write about this -so I figured I'd get there first! Hehehe....
No, but seriously this is sparked from a conversation I had with Kitty. We talked about titles, most specifically Master/Sir/Daddy and the different preferences we and subsequently our partners have.

I know Master will write about the differences between sub vs. slave, I'm not gonna go there! (I'll leave the difficult one to Him =p )

I can only think that it is our perception of what the titles means, what we associate them with, that gives us preference or dislike for them.

Which title do you prefer to put on yourself? What title does your partner wish to be called by? Is there a title that you like but they don't? Is the title important to you?

Why?

P.S. These questions are directed at anyone and everyone, be it Dom/me, Master/Mistress, Daddy, sub/slave/slut/wife/girl and so on.....

Whether you are in a M/s, D/s, Dd, Poly or any other constellation of relationship.

I'm curious about them all!

The sound of a starting gun

OK, I'm a curious creature. Many of us in this community are friendly and helpful to each other. We give our point of view, tell of our own experiences and try to give advice the best we can from those experiences.
Lately I've come to realise that most submissives that follow my blog are in Dd relationships rather than D/s as such. It's made me think of the differences between the two. I don't think they are hugely different. The dynamic is slightly different and I think Dd relations have more of a balancing act to deal with. And then of course there is the discipline part. Both dynamics have it. We all have "requirements" to fulfill.
So this got me thinking about the different focus of the "standard D/s" (yes I hate words as standard/normal/should/have to etc. sometimes you can't get away from them though) and Dd. In Dd discipline really is the focus (hence the name D'uh!), whereas in D/s the actual Power Exchange is at focus. OK, that sounds wrong, because of course the Dd is all about PE as well. What I mean is that it is..... a different sort of submission if you like. Maybe in the way that in Dd you agree to be submissive to your significant other, rather than seeking someone to give it to? (Also I think that maybe S/m may be more prevalent is D/s relations than Dd?)
OK, I'm gonna use myself as an example to try to clarify what I mean. Once I realised that I wanted to explore ttwd (not at all that long ago actually) I took steps to do that. 1. I Googled (*LOL), yes I Googled to see where maybe one could find a local community or such to test the waters with (Yeah, Google was really good for that *LMAO*). How that went is another story. 2. Once I at least found some links to some sites that seemed relative I checked them out and regged myself on one. One of those sites that are completely shite if you don't pay for it. So I quickly dumped that site. Back to Google and that link list. I found a site called CollarMe (how could that name not be appealing?? - yeah kinda "ran" to it!) This is where I hit the Jackpot (although that site is kind of a shit hole!) But that is a story for later. So those were my steps to actively seek out and test this lifestyle. And that's what I was referring to, I was actively seeking it for myself. So, I've thought about the difference in that and how Dd may come about. I think (correct me if I'm wrong) a lot of you (i e the girls I speak with around here) have been approached by your husbands (one or two of you have had it the other way around, it is still applicable though). How did they approach you? I doubt they just sat down at the dinner table one day and said "Oh honey, btw I would like us to test out a domestic discipline lifestyle." Not quite huh?

So, what was your starting gun? And moreover, how did you react to it?

At the flip of a switch

(Or rather a Dom = P )

I was mortified to find that Master had put a quite revealing picture of me on His blog ( !! ) -yeah quite a natural reaction wouldn't you say? Eh my comment to it wasn't so.....submissive *LOL*

But one comment in return from Him and I no longer felt affronted or mortified, like at a flip of a switch I actually found it to not only be completely fine (it is His prerogative after all), but actually also quite funny.

Like the flip of a switch.

Today I'm revisiting a subject already brought up previously, several times actually, but today there's another take on it.

DV over on A Dauntless Journey wrote this post called Doing it right?!?! in January. It got me thinking. It is, yet again, about tears (sorry for being so repetitive). But this time it's more about the cause and effect behind them in TTWD.

This is not about crying out of shame for wrongdoing, it is not about crying because you are frustrated. It's not about crying because you had a lousy day or Lassie was showing on TV.

This is about tears caused by the essence of ttwd; pushing boundaries.
As submissives we are constantly pushed. No, I don't mean pushed-around. We constantly have our expectations and boundaries pushed, moved and altered. Things we in the beginning thought belonged in some horror movie we learn to like - love even!
We get pushed to do things we ourselves don't think we are capable of, both in ttwd and in general. Things that alters us as people; how we deal with things, what we want and dare to strive for, our self-esteem strengthened, emotions solidified and fears faced and overcome.

As already discussed, tears can be cathartic, healing, relieving. They can also be plain sadness or fear. Sometimes fear is good. Our Dominants will make us face them, look them in the eye and tell them Boo! And we will be stronger for it. But you can also just be plain terrified. Terrified is not good. Feeling fear when you know you have someone keeping you safe is one thing, when terrified you do not think someone is keeping you safe, will be there to catch you when you fall through to the other side. Being terrified in ttwd can be extremely damaging.
TTWD runs so deep, is so intense and touches us so profoundly that bringing terror into that would be like bringing terror to our very core.

But now I'm straying.
What got me thinking the most from DV's post was actually the comment that EllaGirl left : "Never fear her tears." There is often joy, happiness, and wonder mixed with her emotional release - on other words, "You may have not broken her but instead broken through"."

I think that takes us back to those walls and barriers again, don't you?
Don't worry, I'm not rehashing that too! *LOL*

I'll leave you with another quote from another commenter:
"any jerk can make someone cry... can break a sub... but it takes a very special Dom to be able to well-manage aftercare and to bring the sub back from across the divide...

better and stronger for it."

Soon in a blog near you ; )

Just saying.....

Sometimes Sweet girl's Master is just the Best!

Just saying.....

From black out to bright light

He's back!! Sir is finally back in the world of the living! Well, OK that was a bit over-dramatic, but He's back in the world of www.

We chatted some, just conversational stuff, I could sense He was really tired, exhausted really, He was literally falling asleep behind the keyboard . I asked Him if maybe He wouldn't prefer to go to bed . To that He replied "we can chat for a bit". *LOL* "chat for a bit" turned into play - play with Sadistic Bastard! But it was good . I tend to forget that masochistic Slut needs her SB just as much as He does His mS.
We did new stuff, stuff we've never done before and it was really cool . Refreshing. Fun . I think He enjoyed it too =D

I've missed Him so much and now He's back = )

He's back.

Master: Puss!

Black out week...

.....is finally over!! Tomorrow evening (well tonight now really) I'll finally be able to chat with Master again! This past week has been both difficult and good. Difficult because I have missed Him terribly! But good because, contrary to what it usually does, it has actually made me feel more submissive than ever! Strange huh?
It's almost like the time away brought us closer. We had some really good sms-conversations actually. Conversations that left a warmth in both my heart, body and soul (see quote in previous post ; ) ).
Tomorrow everything pretty much goes back to normal again. That will be hurdle 1 crossed. Communication back. Now "all" that is left is getting to where He is, so I can see Him again, feel Him again - get spanked again! ; )

It's been a good week all in all. Weird, but good.

I think you can expect a happy post tomorrow ; )

Wise words

“Respect the woman, desire the slut and cherish the little girl. Then you have the mind, the body and the soul” - Author Unknown

Spot on I'd say!

Breaking Down

I've written of emotional walls, of learning to let go, to be all that we can be and let them see all that we are.

I'm just starting to "get my emotions back", now they're not just platonic reactions any more -I feel them, I own them. And it's scary, it's scary as fuck! I don't do crying well, and now, now I tear up so easily. I feel real sympathy and empathy again. The walls are coming tumbling down and I'm scared. But I know He'll be there to catch me if I fall. Or at least put a band aid on it.

Only I'm allergic to band aids and I don't like falling.
I hope I will continue to risk scraped knees for the rewards of the walls coming down and truly be able to let go.

Thank you Stormy for inspiring this post, and for making me realise my own truth.
You said; "I'm not afraid to look my emotions in the face.
I'm not afraid to search my heart and see what is in there.
I'm not afraid to cry."

- I am! Scared as hell! -

But I will crumble that wall.

Follow the crumbs, like Hansel & Gretel -not to find my way back to restore it, but to sweep up and discard of them.

I'm heading towards the point of no return - will someone please hold my hand?

Hard times

As of today Master will be more or less unreachable for the next SIX days(!!). Apart from the occasional text messages (you see I have promised 'No bombardment') we will not really have any communication at all. I'm used to speaking with Him every night -every night we chat for at least a couple of hours.
This time away is important for Him, as it is of personal nature and not business. This helps, because when He's away on business it just sucks, but now I know it is something He really needs -something that is good for Him, something that will make Him happy -and how could that not make me happy too? So I understand, I support and I am happy for Him in this -I truly am. It is still going to be a hard time for me though. When we don't speak at our usual time I get a sense of loss, only time that is different is when I have asked for that time off to do something. I still miss Him but it means I am doing something, like having a movie night with my girl friend (Yes, notice the space in between the two words), or actually sleeping after having been awake for two days or so.
But when it is complete absence, and for such a prolonged time, it feels odd.

We had a really nice chat last night, and we spoke of how we'd miss each other and how we are going to make up for lost time -He wants me there for two weeks! *jumps up and down* How this would be the next phase for us, for Him to exercise His Ownership of me more fully. He told me to use that thought to get me through the week -"you are MINE" He said -oh god what those words do to me! *weak at the knees*
So as promised there will be no pouting and no text message bombardments. Something Kitten for Sir said in her latest post came to mind, so I will be strong for Him, I'll keep my head high and I'll remember His words that will reassure me and remind me of His Ownership, that I am His and that we'll soon be together again.

Changes

As you can see I have completely changed the look of the blog -I felt a need for change and wanted it to look a bit more cheery and inviting, I hope you'll all like the changes!

/Sweet girl, bringing the bright season in to the blog.