My submissive journey: August 2012

He holds the key

I have to admit that i have always had issues with this, with making Him "responsible" for my submission. To me that have always felt like putting too much responsibility on Him, removing my own responsibility from it.
I am starting to see it differently. Or rather, i am starting to allow myself to see it differently. Because as much as i dislike admitting it, a lot of my submission comes from His Dominance -it's like a chain reaction. So ultimately, without due Dominance there is no submission. No, that's not right, no submission isn't correct, but what i'm trying to say is that for my submission to be.... active (?), it needs active Dominance. Without His Dominance i only have "my 50%" (see other post).
To actively be submissive -be His submissive- i need His Dominance. He holds the key to letting it out, making it active and making it prosper.
My responsibility lay in the.... being submissive? And being my best, for Him.
But He is the one who holds the key to it.
The thought still makes me slightly uncomfortable. Just like asking Him for help does (and accepting it). I know it shouldn't. I am His.
His.
That means not only His responsibility to keep me safe and "up and running", it's His right to. He has the right to it, to it all.
My problem has never been with giving away the rights, but with the responsibility.
I give Him all my rights, but i really struggle with letting go off my responsibility. With that i don't mean i don't hold any responsibility myself, because in my view that can never be totally removed, but i mean in allowing Him to take responsibility for me. Does that make sense?

I don't know why i find that so difficult, maybe it's pride? But at least i have come to the realization that whether i like it or not, His Dominance affects my submission, which if you're to be brutally honest about it, means He is (partly) responsible for it and the way it's expressed.

I haven't seen Him helping me as one of His rights but as a burden. I'm starting to see though that it's all His, all of it and all of me. Although i have always considered myself to give all of me to Him, maybe in clinging on to that pride and deep seethed fear of....yeah, what? Vulnerability? In not letting Him take responsibility for me, in all things and all ways (and always), maybe i haven't truly given Him all of me like i have always thought and wanted to?
I realize now that i have never truly let go, and that that has probably been one of my issues all along.

I'm gonna need some time to digest that.
It's a no brainer really i know, but the meaning of it hadn't really dawned on me before now.

He not only holds the key, He holds the Master key (yeah i know! *rolls eyes heavenwards at self*), i may hold the original but it's old and getting a bit rusty and bent so should probably be used for emergency only =P

Watch as realization hits and the walls

(Not intention of the day i can tell you that much!)

Road kill

Hi all! If there's any left out there that is.
I don't know why i've been finding it so difficult to write lately -well for quite long now!
I'm sorry about that. Like i said i don't know why it is. Maybe because i was feeling very lost for a while, quite a while, and it felt like i was mostly moaning and complaining that things weren't right, not like i wanted them, needed them and so on. Which is a bit how i felt, well more than a bit. And i felt guilty for feeling that way. It's not Sir's fault i get lost in myself, and He's just human too, which means our dips & lows and highs don't always sync.
I'm complex remember ;) -and i really am! i don't make life easy for Him that's for sure! I need lots of love and affection -but just the right amount at just the right time. Same goes for pain and Dominance and yeah well just about everything. Just right. Like i said; i don't make life easy for Him.

I guess you guys remember me asking for 'more'? It took us some time but we are there and i'm so feeling it! It's wonderful :)
it's a bit of a 'chicken and the egg' situation, it's difficult to know which exactly came first, but i'm in a much better place now. In general. Those of you that have followed me for a while know i'm kinda messed up, well at least messy. I think what's been happening is that the messier i feel the more dominance i need, but i also fight the Dominance harder. It doesn't really make sense i know, but then i never have followed reason *lol*.

I think where we have...i was gonna write failed but that is the wrong word, because we haven't failed we just haven't gotten it right...so let's say lapsed. Where we have lapsed before is right there. I start spiraling downwards, Sir gets unsure of whether i need leeway or strictness (i feel for Him i really do! Because how can He know when i don't?!), i feel lost and start disconnecting. With the disconnect comes attitude. Not only in the form of brattiness but in the form of....i don't know what to call it. Hopefully you get what i mean. When Sir then finally push i push back -even if i've asked Him to push -requested it even! This is subconscious. Maybe it's a form of testing whether He's actually pushing or just prodding a bit? Not to be a brat and see if i can push Him, but rather seeing if it's 'worth' getting hopes up? As in "is it something that's sticking around?". I don't know, i'm pondering this myself as i am typing it. Because i'm not quite sure why i push back as soon as He actually try to "pick up the stick". I do however know that i need not be allowed to do that. Because it's like i'm checking for substance, i e sorting between castles in the sky and fortresses, and when i push back and it goes unnoticed/unchecked it doesn't matter how much of a fortress it really was it's instantly turned into air. And like i said, this is completely subconscious. So it's not testing how much i can get away with (so not pushing limits in the normal meaning of the words), it's more testing if i can get away with things at all (i e checking if i should "bother"). Basically i think i push because i want to check if i'll run into that stop sign or not. Because i want the stop sign, not because i don't want it!

God i'm rambling! I hope for your sake i edit this before posting =P

OK, so what i was trying to get at is that i am in a much better place right now. I'm calmer, more collected, more content. More submissive.
Chicken or the egg? Who knows. All i know is that my Rooster is making me a much happier chick! =) (Yeah i know, i was really tempted to use another word than Rooster, but i kept it in check -good of me huh?! *LOL*).
More submissive brings with it feelings of being more calm, collected, content and happier. The 3 C's and being happier means easier submission -it's like a golden egg! (opposite of vicious circle?) OK, i need to stop now.....
*LOL* i wonder what happened to that post i started writing -it certainly wasn't this one! =P

OK so what i'm trying to get at is that there's been some rough seas lately, especially inside of me, which has caused havoc in my head and my emotions, but now i'm -no WE are- at the other side of it and things look and feel a lot better than they have in a long time.
Apart from the fact that i busted my back so that my training flow is broken and just as i said Fcuk this i'm going anyways!, well then i got sick instead *sigh*. But i'm not despairing -which is a good sign of having reached "the other side" (no not that far to the other side! Just over to the slightly greener patch on the other side of the fence ;) ). Usually this would've gotten me really down, OK i'm bugged over it but not bummed, which is the main difference.
Several weeks out the gym feels like Eons, and i more or less have to restart the programs i'd started and was doing so well with, but....it's OK.

Yeah, it's OK.
It's OK, and i'm good. Yeah i'm actually GOOD!

When's the last time you heard me say that??

I know this post is like roadkill and i really really should edit it -but i won't (Sorry!), i am hoping to stick around from now on so that i can just blog more about it instead.

Feel free to kick my butt to do so!

I hope all my friends out there have had a fantastic summer! We're now heading towards Autumn (at least here), and with that change of season i am hoping for a new, more consistent blogging season too.

Take care ya'll!

(Author's note: OK seriously i realize how utterly and completely incoherent this post is -but it served to get my brain going, i hope to have clearer posts following it)

Borrowed words

I know how a totally sucky blogger i have been lately and i have no excuses -no more than a feeble mumbling excuse about being confused, not knowing what to say, life.... yeah and on and on.... You get the gist right? Good, i'll spare you then!

But for the lack of my own words i thought i'd share some reading tips with you =)
This is not books, they are all articles from an online source called The BDSM Training Academy

Here are a few i like, i may post some more later =)

Appreciation & grace

Alternative punishments for manipulative subs

How to start a scene

Tougher training

Sprucing things up

Staying comfortable

Different textures

Not enough room?

Preventing The Drop

Learn their real purpose

moving from part time to full time

Double check your list

Fear in training

Absolutely essential

How to become a painslut

Bottom's up?! - A very common dilemma

Learn from your mistakes

Adding a hook to your training

Needing more

Happy reading!

I've come to realize that a few things have changed in me, some things are no longer an option.

Like having a vanilla relationship, and a life without exercise.

Nope, no can do - i need it, D/s and exercise are my 2 drugs of choice and i can't live without it.

To be happy i need them both -and quite a lot of it too!

Actually make that D/s, S/m, Sx and Xrcise =P

What are your highs, musts and no longer an options?

D/s -an Olympic sport?

DV wrote a great post the other day, which really hit home for me -it's more or less spot on on how i've been feeling lately!
Don't worry i'm not actually gonna copycat it, but i will link to it, you can find it here.

Thank you for a good post DV!

Bewinged & freed

Last night i was looking for pictures for my new blog. The theme was change/metamorphosis and was to be the page for posting progress pictures. As you can imagine you'd get when you type in the words Metamorphosis in a search engine you get a lot of pictures of butterflies.

I'm not going to write about that though, i am going to tell you about what happened with Sir when He came online last night.
I can tell you it was unexpected! But dang did i need it and dang was it good!

There's a reason i haven't written much here lately; i guess i've been confused, i haven't had any words to share because i haven't been able to put any words on anything. I've even been with Sir and come back home without you guys knowing it! But that's a different story (even if it does have some bearing).

Last night Sir was clear, demanding and precise -exactly what i need!

Last night Sir and i spoke briefly before our usual time and He was told that i was home alone this evening. He got excited and got some ideas -i literally couldn't keep my eyes open though so we decided to meet up at our normal time. And we did. I was forewarned i'd be in for a spanking.

After a short time He asked me to get His desired implements out. I was hoping for some more than that, so i asked if there was anything else Sir wanted. He sent a devious devil smiley saying that would be plenty, but adding that i was free to come with suggestions and special requests. For some reason i hesitated for a minute, and in my usual fashion i didn't actually come out with the words straight but gave Him hints to understand what i wanted. Don't ask me why, because i don't actually know why i do that.

But never mind, you probably wonder what my request was?
Some time ago, for when Sir was coming to visit me, i had bought a dog collar and leash. We never got round to using it, or in fact me even showing Him it. That was my special request.
It was granted *grins*.

He wanted me to attach the leash to something, but it's too stiff for that so i was told to put my foot through it so it was attached to my leg, and then connect it to the collar, but to not put it on.
i did as i was told.
Sir had me asking for permission to put the collar on, and i did so kneeling.

i can't tell you the feeling of getting the collar around my neck! But i'll try.
It was like a wave of calm and safety washed over me. You know a bit like when you feel small and vulnerable and get to crawl up close to them and feel their strength and warmth against you and you just sigh and want to purr? Yeah like that. Relief. Yeah, i think that's the word for it, relief.

And.....

As i kneel, i feel myself growing wings, and as my submission fills my senses i feel them open and spread, preparing to fly; set free in my restraints.

Metamorphosed from cocoon to butterfly.
From defiant & petty to pliable & submissive.

(Yes, i could see this in my head as it happened, my mind works like that -i've told you long time i'm not like others =P)

Freedom. That's what i felt. I was physically shrinking in size, but mentally i grew stronger and freer -not through independence but through empowerment from His power.

Freedom & relief.

God did it feel good!

[still purring from it 2 days later]