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Friday, August 31, 2012

Road kill

Hi all! If there's any  left out there that is.
I don't know why i've been finding it so difficult to write lately -well for quite long now!
I'm sorry about that. Like i said i don't know why it is. Maybe because i was feeling very lost for a while, quite a while, and it felt like i was mostly moaning and complaining that things weren't right, not like i wanted them, needed them and so on. Which is a bit how i felt, well more than a bit. And i felt guilty for feeling that way. It's not Sir's fault i get lost in myself, and He's just human too, which means our dips & lows and highs don't always sync.
I'm complex remember ;) -and i really am! i don't make life easy for Him that's for sure! I need lots of love and affection -but just the right amount at just the right time. Same goes for pain and Dominance and yeah well just about everything. Just right. Like i said; i don't make life easy for Him.

I guess you guys remember me asking for 'more'? It took us some time but we are there and i'm so feeling it! It's wonderful :)
it's a bit of a 'chicken and the egg' situation, it's difficult to know which exactly came first, but i'm in a much better place now. In general. Those of you that have followed me for a while know i'm kinda messed up, well at least messy. I think what's been happening is that the messier i feel the more dominance i need, but i also fight the Dominance harder. It doesn't really make sense i know, but then i never have followed reason *lol*.

I think where we have...i was gonna write failed but that is the wrong word, because we haven't failed we just haven't gotten it let's say lapsed. Where we have lapsed before is right there. I start spiraling downwards, Sir gets unsure of whether i need leeway or strictness (i feel for Him i really do! Because how can He know when i don't?!), i feel lost and start disconnecting. With the disconnect comes attitude. Not only in the form of brattiness but in the form of....i don't know what to call it. Hopefully you get what i mean. When Sir then finally push i push back -even if i've asked Him to push -requested it even! This is subconscious.  Maybe it's a form of testing whether He's actually pushing or just prodding a bit? Not to be a brat and see if i can push Him, but rather seeing if it's 'worth' getting hopes up? As in "is it something that's sticking around?". I don't know, i'm pondering this myself as i am typing it. Because i'm not quite sure why i push back as soon as He actually try to "pick up the stick". I do however know that i need not be allowed to do that. Because it's like i'm checking for substance, i e sorting between castles in the sky and fortresses, and when i push back and it goes unnoticed/unchecked it doesn't matter how much of a fortress it really was it's instantly turned into air. And like i said, this is completely subconscious. So it's not testing how much i can get away with (so not pushing limits in the normal meaning of the words), it's more testing if i can get away with things at all (i e checking if i should "bother"). Basically i think i push because i want to check if i'll run into that  stop sign or not.  Because i want the stop sign, not because i don't want it!

God i'm rambling! I hope for your sake i edit this before posting =P

OK, so what i was trying to get at is that i am in a much better place right now. I'm calmer, more collected, more content. More submissive.
Chicken or the egg? Who knows. All i know is that my Rooster is making me a much happier chick! =)  (Yeah i know, i was really tempted to use another word than Rooster, but i kept it in check -good of me huh?! *LOL*).
More submissive brings with it feelings of being more calm, collected, content and happier. The 3 C's and being happier means easier submission -it's like a golden egg! (opposite of vicious circle?) OK, i need to stop now.....
*LOL* i wonder what happened to that post i started writing -it certainly wasn't this one! =P

OK so what i'm trying to get at is that there's been some rough seas lately, especially inside of me, which has caused havoc in my head and my emotions, but now i'm -no WE are- at the other side of it and things look and feel a lot better than they have in a long time.
Apart from the fact that i busted my back so that my training flow is broken and just as i said Fcuk this i'm going anyways!, well then i got sick instead *sigh*. But i'm not despairing -which is a good sign of having reached "the other side" (no not that far to the other side! Just over to the slightly greener patch on the other side of the fence ;) ). Usually this would've gotten me really down, OK i'm bugged over it but not bummed, which is the main difference.
Several weeks out the gym feels like Eons, and i more or less have to restart the programs i'd started and was doing so well with,'s OK.

Yeah, it's OK.
It's OK, and i'm good. Yeah i'm actually GOOD!

When's the last time you heard me say that??

I know this post is like roadkill and i really really should edit it -but i won't (Sorry!), i am hoping to stick around from now on so that i can just blog more about it instead.

Feel free to kick my butt to do so!

I hope all my friends out there have had a fantastic summer! We're now heading towards Autumn (at least here), and with that change of season i am hoping for a new, more consistent blogging season too.

Take care ya'll!

(Author's note: OK seriously i realize how utterly and completely incoherent this post is -but it served to get my brain going, i hope to have clearer posts following it)With love,


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