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Tuesday, September 18, 2012

When good subbies behave bad

OK, so i promised you guys some update about me being here with Brutus. I'll give you one, not the best most positive one but you will get the honest one fresh in my memory.

This morning i have mostly been pottering about, doing small bits and pieces like organizing stuff in the bedside cabinets, a bit of dishes and stuff like that. Like a good subbie do (although maybe a good subbie would've done quite a bit more?). Anyways, i prepared lunch and put it in the oven when i heard His car driving into the garage, so that He wouldn't have to wait more than a few minutes for it. All good, right? Except that as soon as He gets in the door He does something to piss me off. Yes, health related, no need to go into details.
I know what most of you will say now: He's the boss, it's His choice, His prerogative blah blah blah....
I don't agree. Yes, maybe as His subbie i don't have anything to say about it, bit i happen to also be His partner, and as such i do think i have the right to concern myself with it -and yes even get angry about it!
And angry i was. Now the thing with this little girl here is that she really can't mask anything at all very well. And you know how some people can keep in that energy that flows from you when you feel strongly? Not this one!
I was angry and i wasn't hiding it very well at all. Although the things i said was perfectly valid i could've been more humble with my words -i'm as blunt as can be most of the time! *sigh*
I didn't mean to hurt His feelings, or His pride, or to offend Him in anyway. But this is a long standing issue and i am having great difficulty with not letting it spill over.

The lunch was eaten mostly in a suffocating silence, with me averting my eyes from not only Him, but the table in general (like i said i can't hide anything and when i'm angry my eyes glow green as the Hulk himself).

I tried breaking it by asking how His morning had been. His five word long reply ended that conversation, and it was back to the suffocating silence again. After a few minutes i couldn't stand it any longer so i asked about dinner -sure fire subject to get Him engaged! Yeah, i'm being snarky and sarcastic, i realize that -in fact i think i have been a fair bit recently! *ashamed* Yes, i am ashamed, but i won't take the full blame for it. Tonight there will be maintenance -apparently i need it! (No shit Sherlock) We'll see how that goes. It was also said to be a lot of D/s and BDSM going on this time round, there's been none. Apart from me wearing the collar and sleeping chained to the bed with the leash, so yeah that (which i have to admit i like!).

The fact that i'm PMSy and slept incredibly badly last night don't help.

The rest of Sir's lunch hour was....let's say pretty stiff. Not at all like we usually have it with cuddles on the sofa.
I have to admit i am still peeved though. It will probably take me a while not to be, because this issue is a really big deal to me and it feels like He doesn't give a shit about it. I know that's not entirely true, but in His inaction it effectively makes it so.

I'm sorry, i'm spewing gall and probably saying a lot of stuff i shouldn't, but hey what's new?

Now i'll take my still-slightly-shaky hands and revved up pulse and go lay in the sun on the balcony.
Might as well enjoy it while i don't have a bruised arse to hide, right?!

Catch you guys later.

With love,


Anonymous said...

Being submissive doesn't make you unemotional. Sounds like you two have some fence mending ahead, though, but that's no different in the vanilla world now, is it?

September 19, 2012 at 2:04 AM
Anonymous said...

its a fine line to find a balance on isnt it? I hope you work it out :)
love and hugs kiwi xxx

September 24, 2012 at 5:09 AM

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