Head spinning

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Head spinning

Whirlwinds. Spaghetti. Sloshing water and crashing waves. That's my mind right now. Thinking too many things at the same time. Significant things. Things that can't be disregarded, yet not coherent enough to form a full sentence, even if there are full sequences of thought. It's a bit like a tape being played on an old recorder, you know how you'd sometimes look for a specific place on the tape and you could fast forward, press play for a millisecond, continue ff, playback, rewind,stop and slow motion. vvvvvrrrrrssssssiiiiiitttttiiiiiiivvvvvbrreehhhhhv.      It's a bit like that.

And i'm so emotional right now.
The atrocities in the US did nothing to help -and i have too much to say about that, but this is not the time.

And I finished reading a story today. A fan fiction i started reading long ago, the very same one that triggered me to go to the cemetery a few weeks back. It's called "Tattoos Like Mile Markers". I recognize so much of it, even if the story is a lot more "hardcore" than what i have done. It's at times a very very dark story, but it's also full of hope and light. Sometimes it's difficult to see for the clouds but it's there. And love, as full of self-loathing and self-blame and shame as it is, it's also full of love.

Even with all the shit that goes on in my life and all the turmoil in my head, i am still very blessed, yesterday and today i feel it especially.
I have a wonderful daughter -that's the same age as the kids of yesterdays horror story, which i guess is why it hit home so hard.
I have Sir that is always thinking of me, helping me as much as he can -and as much as i let him (i know, i know, spare me the spiel please). He loves me and cares for me regardless of all the shit i come with. He tries his best and puts me before a lot else that is important too. I love him. Sometimes i forget just how much, but i do, and right now i'm feeling it deeply. Seems i'm a bit emotional at the moment.
Not a feeling i'm overly familiar with. I have mixed feelings about that; it feels like a blessing to actually  f e e l emotional, at the same time as i'm not so comfortable with  beeing  emotional, if that makes sense.

Damned, feel drained already. Maybe i should try to go sleep, since it's way past my bed time as it is (i did notify Sir of that via mail for those of you who wonder ;) ). Speaking of, Sir is away on business and will be hard reached over the next few days, i will miss him. No, i miss him. Soon it will be back to normal for a little while though, until xmas when he'll be away again. On the upside he is coming to spend New Years with me =) Yep, he'll be here for a week! It's another milestone in our relationship you could say, it will be a first seasonal holiday spent together. "Next year Christmas", Sir's words....just carrying a slight hint of admonishing in it, but that i deserve. But yes please Sir, next year Xmas. Absolutely fine by me!
And TB is as excited about Sir coming as i am -she's absolutely exuberant about it! =) He's got a real fan there. I'm happy to say, it would be a pain if it was the opposite, which i thought would be more likely to be honest. But she adores Sir, and for that i am happy. I'm sure she'll wrap him around here little finger just as easily as she does everyone else =P


Sir, you be safe in your travels now -you have 2 very expectant ladies waiting for you!


Dunno where these ramblings lead or even if it's what's in my head (haha that rhymed!) but i feel a bit quieter now. Let's see if it's still the case once the computer is off and it's time to try to sleep again.

But for you guys it's au revoir!With love,