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Friday, January 11, 2013

Ramblings and apologies


Firstly i wanna apologize for being such a bad blogger -and blogger friend! I suck, i know!
I'm sorry.

It's very much how i am all round, on/off, hot/cold, up/down -it can turn a lot, and quickly or it can be drawn out. It's very much how i am in life with everything.
I'm intense in everything i do, even the withdrawing (albeit that is a bit of a contradiction).
Let's just say that i am an all or nothing kinda gal, there are no in between's with me, not even if i want them.
It's been quite stormy here for a while (no i'm not talking of the weather, albeit it was very windy this morning! Made it feel like a snow storm with all the snow blowing of the roofs *unpleasant*).

So what's been going on? Oh you know just the usual; finances in ruins (i mean like old medieval ruins in dust :/), meds being messed up back and forth (right now i have been off meds for a few weeks...), a family life in constant chaos and there's been Sir and i that  have been just about as much up and down as the rest of my life. That part is more difficult to disregard though, and also more difficult to "work with", if you get what i mean. It's complicated. Sometimes a lot more complicated than it needs to be it seems.

The most difficult part is when all the different chaotic parts of life collide with eachother -doesn't help when chaos meets chaos, it creates further chaos and disorder and disruption.
And when one issue causes another issue, that needs to be dealt with but can't because of the underlying original issue then it just becomes pancake.

... I was trying to give you an example here but it all gets so messy and complicated, but i'll try...

I need firm Dominance. Sir isn't really the firm/strict type. When he tries to be i fight back and throw curve balls and weedle myself out of stuff. It throws him off, he drops (or lets go of) the ball, and then i react to that instead. I don't mean to do that. And in the long term i certainly don't want to "win". Even if i might at times be satisfied i managed right then and there.

We talk about these things. We decide to step up the game. Nothing happens. Sometimes it even leads to the opposite where the D/s almost disappear instead. This fucks with my head and i become an even bigger bitch. Which deflates Sir more. And in the spiral we are.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying we're in a bad place! We're not in trouble or anything like that! Even if we have rocky patches like everyone else.
I know a lot of my readers (if i still have any) have DD relationships and i realize that it is different so maybe it's hard for anyone to answer, but has anyone else found that love made their D/s relationship more difficult and complicated?
I want to clarify why i think DD and other D/s relationships differ slightly, and that is that for most in DD love was the foundation for the relationship to start with. With that i mean that most people were already a couple in a relationship that they then decided to modify.
Whereas often in a D/s relationship you have gone out looking for the D/s and there found your partner, so it's kinda the other way around from how you start DD.

Does that make any sense?

Like Sir and i, we didn't meet, fall in love and become Dom and sub. We looked for a D/s partner (partner being a loose term in this case, maybe counterpart is a better word?), became Dom and sub, and later that turned into something more.
Looking back i have started to see that that point of "more" is when everything got confusing. That's when everything changed.
Not saying it's a bad change, but it's a change that can throw everything off. And with us i think it has. At least it has me. But i think also Sir. I think Sir's needs changed with that. Or at least his outlook.Whereas mine hasn't really. But  they have changed by proxy. Which i think is a dilemma too. We have ended up on different levels. Trying to accommodate each other becomes more difficult then. Even if we both try. Neither of us are good at "faking". And with faking i mean acting in a way we're not really feeling at the time. Which is where we start spiralling; I don't feel submissive. I start acting out. I need him to cut me off. He don't feel very Dominant. My acting out makes him feel less so instead of more, so instead of coming down like a ton of bricks, he gets discouraged. I get frustrated and pissy and unruly. He becomes frustrated... and so it goes on. Until something else happens that breaks the cycle (that could be something good or bad).

I told you guys about the punishment i had last time i went to see Sir, right? That's what i need. More. And swifter. Ignoring that kinda behaviour doesn't work on me. I only get worse. And no, i'm not being deliberately bratty to get what i want, i get bratty because i am by nature and i need help to stop it in time (at a reasonable level).

Sir was here over New Years. I was not so good. He did nothing. I got worse. I got out of hand.
His words saying i wasn't being so nice to him cut, i still hear them ringing in my ears. And it makes me sad. But they don't break the spiral inside of me, the spiral that is like a mechanical spinning toy, once it's started there's not a button to switch it off! It has to be broken (the action not the toy!).

While the punishment last time was something awful it's one of the best things that has happened in our relationship, and is something i need us to keep up.
Although i'm not one to rely on punishments for my behaviour i do need the structure of it (even if it don't have to lead to punishment it has to hold that dynamic) I certainly need the behavioural aspect of it.
- Call it behavioural therapy *lol*

Sir you can be my permanent cognitive behaviour therapist! 

I've been confused for a long time about something but it's not until right this second that i've had words to it! 
And that is;
does Sir want a girlfriend that is also his subbie, or a subbie that is also his girlfriend?

To me, there's a huge difference. HUGE difference. And i'm realizing that for him maybe there isn't? For me, i'm the latter. That's what i want to be. How i want it to be. In proportion i would say at least a 60:40 ratio. Because i'm coming to realize more and more, that the less sub i am, the worse girlfriend i become. And i even think that is a pretty minimal ratio to be honest.
I'd say as it stands the ratio is backwards. 

And like i said in the beginning of this (probably very rambly) post; i don't do things by halves or in moderation. I am an all in kinda girl. I can't be a good subbie in low numbers, because it's not subbie enough. I can't be a 100% good  at being 40% subbie.

That probably doesn't make sense does it?

I'm referring to the ratio above. With that ratio i can't be a good subbie or girlfriend. The numbers are just simply too low. Give me high numbers and i'll put them back out. The numbers i mean. I'm high-grade and high-maintenance, that i have always stated.
But i think putting in more in the short run, will actually save some effort in the long run. Or rather a helluva lot of effort in the long run.

But i know there are other factors too.

Life is complicated. Certain parts of life are more complicated than others. And certain parts again makes life more complicated to mesh with other's....
Sir and i mesh, we do, in some weird, odd way we really do.... But i do think we are kinda out of sync, but that, that is technical and can be resolved. Problem is finding a common synchronization point.

*LOL* didn't that just get very technical? *lol*

Speaking of technical i have applied to a college course to become a computer programmer!
The course consistes of 8 modules that will be read 2 at a time:
  • Computer 1a
    Goes through the computer system structure, components and peripherals. You develop include the ability to install and configure application software, networks and printers, as well as learn the procedures for protecting information. 
  • Programming 1
    Is an introductory course in programming. You get basic theoretical and practical knowledge of programming. You will also learn the basics of systems design and structuring techniques and knowledge of the interaction between applications, runtime environment, operating system and hardware. To get the maximum benefit from the course, you should have good computer skills. 
  • Web Development 1
    This course provides basic knowledge on technical aspects of various media formats and interaction between clients, users, designers and developers. You practice your ability to build websites and web applications according to standards and guidelines for good practice, and with good accessibility for people with different conditions. You get knowledge of application architecture and separation of different types of logic. 
  • Programming 2
    Programming 2, based on the Programming 1, gives knowledge of interfaces with users, files, file systems, operating systems, databases and Internet. You will also learn object-oriented programming in theory and practice.
  • Web Development 2
    The course builds on Web Development 1 and deepen your knowledge of the topic. You are given the opportunity to develop products that comply with standards and national / international codes of practice, usability, accessibility and security. You also develop knowledge of relevant laws and regulations, the ability to do web-related ethical considerations.
  • Digital creation 1
    The course provides knowledge to design and develop ideas through the use of digital tools. You get knowledge of the technical equipment, structure, function, limitations and opportunities. One goal is to provide an understanding of how sound works as a means of expression in digital environments.
  • Web Server Programming 1
    This course gives you the ability to plan, implement, document and evaluate the development of websites and web applications or other types of applications based on web technologies. You will learn about character encoding and the ability to handle different standards for character encoding, as well as the safety and ability to identify and thwart attacks.
  • Multimedia System
    This course provides advanced knowledge of computers, computer and communication systems and different types of network structure and function. You will learn how to plan and perform work in computers and given the skills to perform optimization, fix errors, and administration and diagnosis of computer and communication systems.

What you guys think? Sound like me? You think you can survive it? *lol*

Anyways, so far i've only applied, there's a bunch of stuff to sort out first but it would be fun i think  =)
And it would be studied remotely (ie out of classroom) which gives me great freedom to travel to see Sir  =)

Keep your fingers crossed for me?




Reminds me of my horoscope for today, it says:

Friday, January 11, 2013 - It may feel as if the resistance you are encountering originates from the current circumstances in your external world. However, the Capricorn New Moon occurs in your 3rd House of Communication, indicating that your immediate environment is a reflection of you. The good news is that your destiny is in your own hands; whatever conflict you have created, you can remedy with a real commitment on your part. Be brave and start talking about tough issues to get the ball rolling.


Now that's something to keep in mind!
I will certainly try.

Destiny in my own hands  ~  Conflict i created  ~  i created  ~  Commitment  ~ Be brave  ~  Start talking 


I hope you've had some fantastic holidays & that your coming year will be a wonderful and rich one!
With love,

5 comments:

squirrel said...

Hi melinda,

So good to see you back. I love the way you set out your feelings about D/s so honestly. And I can relate on two levels - one, finding D/s first and love second and two, needing strict dominance.

I've been acting out for days, even going so far as to almost dictate what we are going to do in the future. Finally yesterday Wolf sends me an email that says: "'We' do not make decisions. I make decisions and you obey me." I just wanted to shout hallelujah! Why didn't you just say so in the first place, lol! :-)

But I am very sensitive too and I know he tries to make sure he doesn't go too far when I am really upset. It would be easier if we were in person (I think, hope?). I wish it was for you too.

Anyway, I know how strongly we subbies need what we need. But I've changed my submission in some respects to match what Wolf needs and I know he has done the same for me with his dominance. Can you and Brutus find some middle ground? I'll stop rambling now.

hugs, squirrel

January 12, 2013 at 3:47 PM
melinda Sweetgirl said...

Aw what a bummer! I replied to you last night but it's not here! =(
I will try again later..right now my mind's not really here.
Good to hear from you squirrel!

hugs, melinda

January 13, 2013 at 2:52 PM
cuddlykitten said...

I definitely understand how love can throw off a D/s relationship, especially if it comes in later on.

It is like starting over. Because what a Dom and sub do is very different from the vanilla aspects of girlfriend/boyfriend.

You two need to figure out what exactly it is you want/need from each other. If you need more of the D/s than the vanilla, then that's something you need to address.

I'm the same way honestly. I like all the "girlfriend" stuff, but I am a sub at my very core. It's something I can't live without and from the sound of it, you can't either.

*hugs* hope it all works out for you!!

~CK

January 13, 2013 at 11:00 PM
melinda Sweetgirl said...

Trust you to have the words for it CK!
Thanks for the hugs -sending them right back!

....Sir, is reading this (the post) as i'm typing this.

January 13, 2013 at 11:14 PM
kiwigirliegirl said...

squirrel is right - you are back and its great to see.
Im so sorry i missed this post - but we talked about it today :) thankfully.
ITs a great post my friend, and I hope Sir reads it and understands what it is you are asking him.
I agree, you really do need to find a middle ground so that both your needs and His are met.
For me I found love first. DD came second. But I know Sir even though he is completely dominant - its taken some time to get to where we are - but even now, he doesnt like to see me crying in a punishment - he tells me to keep my head down so he cant see me - ive not actually asked him directly but i think its becuase that vanilla part of him doesnt like to think he is hurting me, even though its what I want and need and i completely 100% consent.
Love is a funny thing.

January 17, 2013 at 8:49 AM

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