My submissive journey: message to Sir

Showing posts with label message to Sir. Show all posts

Ramblings of mixed kind

I had a bit to write about earlier, dunno how much is left of it though -in my head that is. Sorry if this gets messy.

Life has truly sucked lately. MEGA-sucked.

Sir and i are where we are, and even though we're moving along and making progress it takes it's toll. For awhile there it seemed like all we did was argue and fight. Quite often at the same time as i was doing the same with TB -which obviously resulted in that i got double up and in turn so did they!

Add to that the fact that TB has been.... let's put it like this; she and i are usually like cat and mouse, lately it's been taken to new levels.
Then i find out why she's been like exchanged over the past couple weeks; it seems she's bullied/teased at school

On top of all this i haven't eaten any meds since before xmas and i'm kinda being... Au Naturale at the moment. (Please don't....)
Sir is starting to find out what melinda-au-naturale is....

Let's just say that his hair-trigger state is my default...

It's tiring. I'm tired. So so tired.

And can feel i'm starting to thread quicksand. I know what that means. Really i do. But even though i am all wound up and trigger happy, i am also calmer (i know, i hear the contradiction there) and less panicky. I don't see red and i'm not half as aggressive as i normally am. Because i'm heavy. And as heavy as it is it is also nice to not go loopy every five seconds.
I know i need to do something about it. And i will. In time.
Right now the most pressing matter is dealing with TB and her school matters. She loves school normally.

Home is chaos. I'm chaos. But too tired to deal with it. On top of it there's all these musts. Must this and do that and then this and then that. And then she needs this and Sir needs that and the next one another.... And *sigh*...

Oh yes, this is a D/s blog, maybe i should write something about that *eye roll*

Sir is trying hard and i know it. And i know i'm challenging him a lot -and not in the good way. I know that is bad, at the same time this is me...maybe it's just as well he finds it out so he knows it for real.

Yesterday i got 10 mins corner time for not doing my dishes i had as a task. I was to stand in a corner facing the wall, naked, for ten minutes. Now i don't have any free corners in my living room (so yes, i questioned it! Shush.), so i was told to stand as close as possible and that would be fine (Thank you Sir would've been a bitch to rearrange the whole living room for ten minutes sake! *lol*).
During these 10 minutes i was to think about our D/s relation. I did.
What did i think about then? To be honest i'm not entirely sure.
I know i had the thought that maybe i am the wrong type of submissive for Sir, if we're to be crass. He never seems to have had any troubles with previous ones. If my memory serves me right they were all mainly humiliation-oriented. I'm very much the opposite (it's actually a hard limit for me). And i'm not meaning it's the humiliation itself that's the solution, more that it's something...practical. It's DOING, and Sir is very good at the doing stuff.
I on the other hand is much more abstract. I am much more about the f e e l i n g. I work very much instinctively and intuitively.
Like Sir the other day couldn't understand how i can be so good at pointing out what he does wrong, but not be able to tell him when he's changed something for the right. I completely understand his frustration in this btw! It's just that for me, i don't sit and think over and look at what's wrong...i just know that something isn't right. I'm feeling it. I know i'm not feeling what i want to feel, and i know i'm not responding to him like i want to respond.
Then he changes something. Most often i'm not even aware of what it is, i do however feel different, and if i feel different i respond different. So i told him; "but you must notice when something is working?" He wants me to tell him (Understandably so, i just don't know if i can. Note can, not won't!)

And this is one of our biggest differences i think. The fact is that i don't know what is working (or maybe even changing), i just know that my response is different. And my response is different because i feel different. It's not even something i think and do, it's a crude case of cause & effect.
So just like i don't think about "wrongs" i don't think about the "rights". And i don't mean by choice, which i realize it may sound like, it's just that my brain don't work that way. Just like i don't sit and think about what to write; i just start and what ends up on the "paper" just ends up there as i go along. That's how my thoughts work. They are "just there", and this is why i often don't even know my own thoughts until i am actually typing them.
It's not thoughts that end up in typing, it's more typing that ends up in thoughts, if that makes any sense whatsoever? Probably not.

OK so back to the other submissives (cos i know i'm gonna be nit-picked about this one)....
It's not that i think that Sir doesn't want me. Or even a submissive like me (because i know he wants me), i'm referring to it more being his style. His natural style. I'm not. Which obviously causes challenges. And that without even counting for all the other challenges i pose!
One thing to compare could be that i am sure none of his other subs has ever "argued" like i do (i'll come back to the definition of argue later). They have probably never been as honest as i am either.
I know that when Sir asks or tells me something the correct reply is for the most just a simple "Yes Sir". And i could do that (who am i kidding?! OK, in theory i could do that) but i have always been honest. Let's look at it for a minute. First you have to remember that we are mostly behind a computer screen (a non-animated non-personal one i want to add), so if i say "Yes Sir" and nothing more that is all he will see and know. Now had i been there in person and i had said "Yes Sir" but not been happy about it He would notice (hopefully). Hence, i do in words what normally my body language would tell him. This is where the "arguing" comes in. In general it's not arguing, it's letting him know exactly how i think and feel about something. It doesn't only have it's downsides. If you really look at it you can also see that if i never did this, he would never know i do stuff even when i don't want to, when i don't feel like it, and even when i think he's an arse for even suggesting something (Yes that happens! Sorry Sir...but it's me we're talking about here). Thing is though-, i've never (in the end) refused him anything! And doing something you really don't feel like or even agree with can say a lot more about your submission, than just doing it with a nice simple submissive "Yes Sir" would do. But yes, it's under the surface. At the surface i can understand it can look argumentative or bratty. And yes, admittedly sometimes maybe i do try to change his mind with my whining about it (i would say that the stats of me t r u l y wanting it at the end of the day though is about 1/1000000). I'm simply honest about how i feel about it. Now if he don't actually want to hear it, "all" he has to do is tell me to shut up. I think he's coming to realize this.
That it's not about bratting and it's not about changing his mind really, but about me just always saying what i think -yes i know, it costs me a lot in life! But it has it's advantages too.
This morning he told me how he'd been at the post office, and while standing idle waiting for his turn he'd thought how much he appreciates my honesty. Now, i'm sure it's not this side of the honesty he referred to, but it's two sides to the same coin. I am always honest -sure i tell an odd white lie just like everyone else, but i don't withhold information about my feelings just because they are not what's meant to be said.
So maybe you could say that,at the end of the day, my "arguing"/talking back, tells as much about my submission as it does my lack of it?

Rambling much? Yep! Sorry about that. But hey, it's me....

Pretty sure this is more or less how my brain would look like on an X-Ray!

Firstly i wanna apologize for being such a bad blogger -and blogger friend! I suck, i know!

I'm sorry.

It's very much how i am all round, on/off, hot/cold, up/down -it can turn a lot, and quickly or it can be drawn out. It's very much how i am in life with everything.

I'm intense in everything i do, even the withdrawing (albeit that is a bit of a contradiction).

Let's just say that i am an all or nothing kinda gal, there are no in between's with me, not even if i want them.

It's been quite stormy here for a while (no i'm not talking of the weather, albeit it was very windy this morning! Made it feel like a snow storm with all the snow blowing of the roofs *unpleasant*).

So what's been going on? Oh you know just the usual; finances in ruins (i mean like old medieval ruins in dust :/), meds being messed up back and forth (right now i have been off meds for a few weeks...), a family life in constant chaos and there's been Sir and i that have been just about as much up and down as the rest of my life. That part is more difficult to disregard though, and also more difficult to "work with", if you get what i mean. It's complicated. Sometimes a lot more complicated than it needs to be it seems.

The most difficult part is when all the different chaotic parts of life collide with eachother -doesn't help when chaos meets chaos, it creates further chaos and disorder and disruption.

And when one issue causes another issue, that needs to be dealt with but can't because of the underlying original issue then it just becomes pancake.

... I was trying to give you an example here but it all gets so messy and complicated, but i'll try...

I need firm Dominance. Sir isn't really the firm/strict type. When he tries to be i fight back and throw curve balls and weedle myself out of stuff. It throws him off, he drops (or lets go of) the ball, and then i react to that instead. I don't mean to do that. And in the long term i certainly don't want to "win". Even if i might at times be satisfied i managed right then and there.

We talk about these things. We decide to step up the game. Nothing happens. Sometimes it even leads to the opposite where the D/s almost disappear instead. This fucks with my head and i become an even bigger bitch. Which deflates Sir more. And in the spiral we are.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying we're in a bad place! We're not in trouble or anything like that! Even if we have rocky patches like everyone else.

I know a lot of my readers (if i still have any) have DD relationships and i realize that it is different so maybe it's hard for anyone to answer, but has anyone else found that love made their D/s relationship more difficult and complicated?

I want to clarify why i think DD and other D/s relationships differ slightly, and that is that for most in DD love was the foundation for the relationship to start with. With that i mean that most people were already a couple in a relationship that they then decided to modify.

Whereas often in a D/s relationship you have gone out looking for the D/s and there found your partner, so it's kinda the other way around from how you start DD.

Does that make any sense?

Like Sir and i, we didn't meet, fall in love and become Dom and sub. We looked for a D/s partner (partner being a loose term in this case, maybe counterpart is a better word?), became Dom and sub, and later that turned into something more.

Looking back i have started to see that that point of "more" is when everything got confusing. That's when everything changed.

Not saying it's a bad change, but it's a change that can throw everything off. And with us i think it has. At least it has me. But i think also Sir. I think Sir's needs changed with that. Or at least his outlook.Whereas mine hasn't really. But they have changed by proxy. Which i think is a dilemma too. We have ended up on different levels. Trying to accommodate each other becomes more difficult then. Even if we both try. Neither of us are good at "faking". And with faking i mean acting in a way we're not really feeling at the time. Which is where we start spiralling; I don't feel submissive. I start acting out. I need him to cut me off. He don't feel very Dominant. My acting out makes him feel less so instead of more, so instead of coming down like a ton of bricks, he gets discouraged. I get frustrated and pissy and unruly. He becomes frustrated... and so it goes on. Until something else happens that breaks the cycle (that could be something good or bad).

I told you guys about the punishment i had last time i went to see Sir, right? That's what i need. More. And swifter. Ignoring that kinda behaviour doesn't work on me. I only get worse. And no, i'm not being deliberately bratty to get what i want, i get bratty because i am by nature and i need help to stop it in time (at a reasonable level).

Sir was here over New Years. I was not so good. He did nothing. I got worse. I got out of hand.

His words saying i wasn't being so nice to him cut, i still hear them ringing in my ears. And it makes me sad. But they don't break the spiral inside of me, the spiral that is like a mechanical spinning toy, once it's started there's not a button to switch it off! It has to be broken (the action not the toy!).

While the punishment last time was something awful it's one of the best things that has happened in our relationship, and is something i need us to keep up.

Although i'm not one to rely on punishments for my behaviour i do need the structure of it (even if it don't have to lead to punishment it has to hold that dynamic) I certainly need the behavioural aspect of it.

- Call it behavioural therapy *lol*

Sir you can be my permanent cognitive behaviour therapist!

I've been confused for a long time about something but it's not until right this second that i've had words to it!

And that is;

does Sir want a girlfriend that is also his subbie, or a subbie that is also his girlfriend?

To me, there's a huge difference. HUGE difference. And i'm realizing that for him maybe there isn't? For me, i'm the latter. That's what i want to be. How i want it to be. In proportion i would say at least a 60:40 ratio. Because i'm coming to realize more and more, that the less sub i am, the worse girlfriend i become. And i even think that is a pretty minimal ratio to be honest.

I'd say as it stands the ratio is backwards.

And like i said in the beginning of this (probably very rambly) post; i don't do things by halves or in moderation. I am an all in kinda girl. I can't be a good subbie in low numbers, because it's not subbie enough. I can't be a 100% good at being 40% subbie.

That probably doesn't make sense does it?

I'm referring to the ratio above. With that ratio i can't be a good subbie or girlfriend. The numbers are just simply too low. Give me high numbers and i'll put them back out. The numbers i mean. I'm high-grade and high-maintenance, that i have always stated.

But i think putting in more in the short run, will actually save some effort in the long run. Or rather a helluva lot of effort in the long run.

But i know there are other factors too.

Life is complicated. Certain parts of life are more complicated than others. And certain parts again makes life more complicated to mesh with other's....

Sir and i mesh, we do, in some weird, odd way we really do.... But i do think we are kinda out of sync, but that, that is technical and can be resolved. Problem is finding a common synchronization point.

*LOL* didn't that just get very technical? *lol*

Speaking of technical i have applied to a college course to become a computer programmer!

The course consistes of 8 modules that will be read 2 at a time:

Computer 1a
Goes through the computer system structure, components and peripherals. You develop include the ability to install and configure application software, networks and printers, as well as learn the procedures for protecting information.

Programming 1
Is an introductory course in programming. You get basic theoretical and practical knowledge of programming. You will also learn the basics of systems design and structuring techniques and knowledge of the interaction between applications, runtime environment, operating system and hardware. To get the maximum benefit from the course, you should have good computer skills.

Web Development 1
This course provides basic knowledge on technical aspects of various media formats and interaction between clients, users, designers and developers. You practice your ability to build websites and web applications according to standards and guidelines for good practice, and with good accessibility for people with different conditions. You get knowledge of application architecture and separation of different types of logic.

Programming 2
Programming 2, based on the Programming 1, gives knowledge of interfaces with users, files, file systems, operating systems, databases and Internet. You will also learn object-oriented programming in theory and practice.

Web Development 2
The course builds on Web Development 1 and deepen your knowledge of the topic. You are given the opportunity to develop products that comply with standards and national / international codes of practice, usability, accessibility and security. You also develop knowledge of relevant laws and regulations, the ability to do web-related ethical considerations.

Digital creation 1
The course provides knowledge to design and develop ideas through the use of digital tools. You get knowledge of the technical equipment, structure, function, limitations and opportunities. One goal is to provide an understanding of how sound works as a means of expression in digital environments.

Web Server Programming 1
This course gives you the ability to plan, implement, document and evaluate the development of websites and web applications or other types of applications based on web technologies. You will learn about character encoding and the ability to handle different standards for character encoding, as well as the safety and ability to identify and thwart attacks.

Multimedia System
This course provides advanced knowledge of computers, computer and communication systems and different types of network structure and function. You will learn how to plan and perform work in computers and given the skills to perform optimization, fix errors, and administration and diagnosis of computer and communication systems.

What you guys think? Sound like me? You think you can survive it? *lol*

Anyways, so far i've only applied, there's a bunch of stuff to sort out first but it would be fun i think =)

And it would be studied remotely (ie out of classroom) which gives me great freedom to travel to see Sir =)

Keep your fingers crossed for me?

Reminds me of my horoscope for today, it says:

Friday, January 11, 2013 - It may feel as if the resistance you are encountering originates from the current circumstances in your external world. However, the Capricorn New Moon occurs in your 3rd House of Communication, indicating that your immediate environment is a reflection of you. The good news is that your destiny is in your own hands; whatever conflict you have created, you can remedy with a real commitment on your part. Be brave and start talking about tough issues to get the ball rolling.

Now that's something to keep in mind!

I will certainly try.

Destiny in my own hands ~ Conflict i created ~ i created ~ Commitment ~ Be brave ~ Start talking

I hope you've had some fantastic holidays & that your coming year will be a wonderful and rich one!

Pride

i know i'm supposed to go sleep now (just signed off from chat with Sir), but i really need to write this.

After having spoken over the last few days about the health stuff that concerns me Sir has actually taken action! And i know He hasn't read my post, the previous one, so that isn't it.
He's followed my directions for caring for a wound He has and He's actually taken it upon Himself to make some healthier choices for Himself over the past cpl of days. And i am so proud of Him = D
*grins*
Baby-steps. Every little counts and opening one's eyes are the first step. And Sir has taken several. I am really proud of Him for doing something about it, i know how difficult it is to get started -that's always the hardest part! And it fills me with pride and joy that He is making the effort to do so.

I'll be right along side Him every baby-step of the way -even if i have do to it mainly from a distance.

Baby-steps Sir. Baby-steps that can lead to leaps and bounds =D
i am hoping to share every step, every leap and every bound with You Sir -
i love You!

The post i wrote the other day, when i was still at Master's house, the post that disappeared, it was about me withdrawing, putting walls back up.

Why? Mostly because of annoyance and friction over standing issues i think.

In having my (very valid) concerns ignored i have felt....disrespected. Or more..hmmm....left out, made less important. I've felt Him being inconsiderate of me. I dunno, i guess i've felt like that if He don't care about how He lives, then He don't care about how He live with me (not logistically, but from a relationship pov), or if He lives with me. How it would affect me if something would happen to Him. He might not care, and sit and hope for the best, but i do. Yes, i hope for the best too, but i also fear for the worst. Every day. And then when i got annoyed (on a specific occasion) and actually opened my mouth about it (quite crudly and offensive i can admit to -which obviously isn't OK) He actually laughed about it. He laughed! That's when i went from annoyed to pissed. Really pissed. And the rest of that lunch, well His whole lunch hour really, was spent in suffocating silence and awkwardness. You see, i can't hide what i'm feeling very well. Even if i try i can't really mask it. You know how some people can be really annoyed or angry or frustrated, and no one else even notices? I'm not one of those people. My feelings vibrate from me like electricity, and anyone around me will be able to feel it's current.

This subject is recurring, like on a daily basis, and it was grinding on me and starting to overflow into something unmanageable.

That together with bad habits annoying me (not that difficult to get annoyed when you're already wound up about something is it?) and it's made for an argumentative, sometimes sarcastic, and very unsubmissive subbie. Add to that feelings of being lost, un-anchored, from not being dominated and well you have a recipe for a disaster really.

After about a week Sir said it was time for maintenance -finally!

Only, even here it wasn't said with much authority, but more in a questioning way. So that kinda took the effect from it. When the day for it rolled around i even considered not being ready for Him, with implements out, as He had told me to be. Now, i didn't do that of course. I might be untactful and sullen, but not outright disobedient. So i showered and shaved for Him and chose implements to put out. Yeah, you read right: i chose! Because He'd only mentioned one implement and that was The Meany. I brought out the paddle brush, the shoe horn (oh how i despise it! Which is exactly the reason i brought it out), a leather belt, the carbon fiber "cane" and, of course, The Meany. For those of you that don't know TM it's a crop with a very large rubber double-slapper. And it is quite heavy. Can hurt like hell and leaves mean marks. If you search for it there's a picture of it somewhere around the blog.

I positioned myself on the bed, kneeling, and awaited His arrival.

Maintenance didn't go all that well, not at all like i think either of us had imagined at least. He started off heavy, me still kneeling, ass out, arms above head with my face in the pillow. And he went out hard. I got annoyed. It felt more like punishment than maintenance. Which is fine -if it's labelled as punishment. Not when it's called maintenance. Then that's what i expect. More of a build up. This went all out from the beginning. So when He asked if i thought i deserved it (the maintenance) i said -"Yes, but i also think i deserve a warm up first!"

This seemed to catch Him a bit off guard. Apparently He didn't think He was being so heavy, and said that it wasn't as heavy as we used to do. In my head i was cursing that there's a difference between maintenance, play and punishment. WTF Had He completely forgotten this?? What is wrong with Him? Fine. *sulking* Go on...i'll take it -but just know i am not happy about it! (Yeah, like i said: in my head not over my lips!)

He became gentler and started warming up. Only again, it didn't feel like a gentle warm up, it felt heavy handed -like play (i sure got warm though). And guess what? Yeah, you got it right, it annoyed me. But i took it in silence. Then TM appeared once again. And i felt 3 hard strikes; one on each lovehandle (fcuk them hurts!) and one just at the beginning of my butt crack (yeah that hurts like a #%@*¤ too). I felt overwhelmed. I gritted my teeth hard but managed to get out a -"Pause!". Maybe it was too muffled by the pillow, i dunno, but He didn't hear it. So i said, louder this time -"stop!", again He didn't hear. -"I SAID PAUSE!!" Angry now, and tears welling in my eyes, both from anger and pain, teeth gritting. This time He heard me, and He stopped. He waited. After a little while (a minute maybe) i said that i was OK and that He could go on. Didn't hear. (Yeah i was getting pissed off about that too! Again in my head the conversation was going something like: wtf has He gone deaf?! Or is He plainly just not listening? FFS!!). I said again,

-"You can go on now". yeah, still no response.

-"Go ahead(!)"

Now He got pissed! (wtf?!?).

-"melinda, you don't give commands here!"

Now it was my time to get stumped.

"I wasn't Sir! I said Pause....so when i was ready i un-paused. i was just letting you know i was ready! What was i supposed to say?!"

He said that i should've asked for more. But i was the one to pause it? Not from Him not wanting to go on. So in my head He hadn't chosen to stop, i had indicated i needed to collect myself. So i thought i should tell Him when i was ready for Him to resume. Resume His activity. Seems we didn't really understand each other there. But anyhow He resumed. He changed over to the belt. For some reason i actually like the belt! It was still difficult though and i was actually crying now (into the pillow, not sure Sir actually noticed at this point). A few lashes later He asked me if i'd had enough.

-"no Sir".

I got another two. Same question again. Conversation in my head? Stop fucking asking and just get on with it will you!

Over my lips: -"No Sir!"

Another couple.

-"Had enough now? Has it gotten through to you yet?"

-"No, Sir. *sniffle* No."

-"you need more? you haven't understood yet?"

-"i need more Sir". I got another couple and then He stopped. I wasn't ready for Him to stop, but He refused to keep on. I think that made me cry more than the actual pain had. And it didn't make me less agitated either. Wtf? I need this! I need more! He bloody well wants to have me cry! We've worked on it before, talked about it plenty, and now when i do He bloody well STOPS?! I WANT MORE! What about that don't you get??

No, i didn't actually say that. I cried silently into the pillow, well silent apart from a few occasional sniffles. He cuddled me. I didn't want cuddles. I wanted pain. Pain and Dominance. Apparently He thought i was breaking down. Going into sub-drop or something. (Eeeh NO, you have to actually reach SPACE before you drop *duh!*) I told Him He needn't worry about me, i was just fine. Which i was, apart from being disappointed. But i wasn't dropping or crashing or breaking down. We cuddled for a bit. Mostly in silence. I didn't feel like talking. I felt subdued. Not as in settled, just...processing i guess. I kept telling Him i was fine and that He needn't worry -and i meant it! I wasn't just placating Him. I really was OK. I just wanted silence and be still that's all. I think i kept subdued for the rest of the evening. Maybe even into the next day.

There was no more maintenance after that. Or play. Nor punishment.

Just Vanilla.

Too much Vanilla.

As much as i love the Vanilla part of us, i have great difficulty in staying submissive and Vanilla at the same time. Without Dominance i am not very submissive, at all. I was quite obnoxious at times actually. I don't mean to be. The stuff He was doing or not doing) was getting on my nerves though, and as i said i'm not the best at hiding it. It's a normal part of a relationship to get annoyed with each other's bad habits and ways of doing things that don't agree with our own. I'm sure Sir feels the same about me about something. This is where Dominance comes in and can put all that to rest. Well, ok maybe not to rest, but maybe keep it from spinning out of control.

Fortunately Sir knows i get worked up about His health stuff because i care. Because i love Him. That don't make my behaviour acceptable though and should've, in my opinion, been stopped in it's tracks. Before it becomes a runaway train -they're very difficult to halt!

Before i end this post i want to make something clear: The maintenance was not more than i could take. If you read it properly you noticed i wanted more. It just wasn't what i thought it would be. What i wanted (to start with). So that was actually quite bad of me.

And i'm not moaning ~~-ok maybe i am a little- but~~ i don't want anyone to think it was all bad, because it wasn't! We had some lovely times. But my mindset was all wrong so i felt out of sorts. I wasn't being myself and so there was a lot more friction than normal. I also want to apologize to Sir for that: I'm sorry Sir. I'm sorry for behaving obnoxiously and not being a good subbie to you. And for not communicating with you. But as you said: i don't make commands here. So if you don't feel dominant, or for some reason don't want to be, then that is your prerogative and your choice. I don't decide that. i don't have to like the choice -BUT i shouldn't act like i did. So again: Sir, i'm sorry.

I guess we're gonna be having one of them talks i dislike so much? Ugh!

I want You to know one more thing Sir: i love you. Even though i misbehave and act out and get frustrated and annoyed. I still always love you. That never changes. I need You to remember that. Will You, please?

OK, this is where i stop pouring my heart out in confession and start regretting writing this and doubting if i should post it, while knowing i probably will do either way.

Now i'll go hide behind the sofa! Or at least under the duvet, hoping to actually manage to sleep (and wake up having forgotten to post it, or that i have posted it, if that is the case).

Signing off now.

-Over & Out-

"Say what you mean, and mean what you say"

Yesterday i wrote a post called being open and honest can be nerve wracking and it really was. Until Sir's reply came in and i let out a sigh of relief.

You see i wrote Sir a letter yesterday, a very long and open and honest letter of how i feel about my submission and what i feel i need. I know i've touched on this with a few posts already, and we've also had some previous conversations about it, but i realized how obtuse i have been in my attempts to convey something so important. Something too important to be unclear about.

Sir has a saying "say what you mean and mean what you say", and i have a long time ago promised to live by that principle. This was my attempt to try to honor that.
So doing "the right thing" and doing something Sir actually asks of me, how could that be nerve wracking? Well first of all honesty in itself can be difficult, maybe even more so honesty to oneself. And there is always the risk of being misunderstood (my specialty btw), especially in how you mean something, even if the actual information is understood correctly.
Sir didn't misunderstand me at all, He understood me completely.

The letter was mostly written in third person. Sir don't require any specific speech from me, He is satisfied with me using His given name. Sir is optional. Everything else is OTT. Personally i like Sir, it sets the right tone for me and serves as a good reminder of who is what in our relationship.
I think writing it in third person was partly what was adding to my nervousness, i guess i worried i'd look silly.

As i said, i needn't have been nervous at all, not only was it completely understood, it was appreciated.
He actually said "I think it is a very well composed mail, both useful and it demonstrates you want to do the right thing."

And i feel good for doing it -and a little proud too if i'm to be completely honest.

Thinking subbies

As you know i asked Sir to tighten things up, to (re-)integrate more Dominance and control. It proves a bit more difficult than anticipated. I instantly struggled against it -even though i am the one desiring it, needing it! It's not been deliberate but for some reason this always seem to happen when i ask for more. I dunno why. I know my way of reasoning also very often is perceived as me arguing. Which i guess i am in a way, just not in the way it's perceived. I'm not arguing as in having an argument/fight, but as in arguing my cause, my point of view. I don't even need people to agree with it, but i want people to see it like i do. It frustrates me when i feel they don't. When i feel they "don't get it". The funny thing is i don't even always argue my POV, sometimes i just argue the opposing POV, even if it's not my own. Just for the debate. And to show different sides to a story. I guess being a person seeing things very differently from other people a lot of the time, the majority of the time, it isn't so strange that i often get frustrated in conversations. That frustration is often mistaken for anger or even hardness. And as being obnoxious.
When it in fact is frustration, mainly directed at myself, of not having the ability to make myself understood.
But i am digressing waaaay off the path now. That little sidetrack was mostly to explain why i often is seen as pushy/argumentative/obnoxious/difficult/resisting.

Anyways......

What i was going to write about was me thinking (dangerous business that!)

Being the thinking and forward subbie that i am i have thought of a few things that could help/be used to find my submission and alter my behaviour (maybe).

Reinstate rituals
Having rules drawn up (again)
Having to ask for permission more
Being told more
Keeping me "tighter" ie not let me chat back, cut me off and let me know when i do and when i have an attitude (this is a tough one! Since i am a cheeky person by nature and Sir doesn't want to lose that, it's separating "fun cheekyness" from being plain cheeky that is the difficult part -especially at a distance, and in writing at that! We do keep our Doms on their toes don't we? =P). Being much more strict with me and my actions having consequences (or a nice simple little Good girl if it's on a positive note =D)
More documentation from my side (like required blogging everyday and stuff like that)
Holding a different "tone" of interaction (especially in person?)
The words "Put me back on the floor (too)" comes to mind.....

Anyways, just fragmented thoughts (i wonder when they will make an app to defragment the human brain?! i could do with one of them!), that haven't really been looked at at all, even less assessed.

But there you have it.

Not seen as complaining or anything like that i hope.

I love my Sir deeply and appreciate Him greatly, and i know He does the same. That love (the "romantical love") has complicated things and made them less clear to both of us i think -which in itself is not bad!

We're very lucky to have found each other. But love did complicate things in the way that things aren't so clear cut anymore. It muddled the water and blurred boundaries. And i need boundaries. Without boundaries i roam.

I don't want to roam, i want to be anchored firmly to my Sir, to be attached to His side (figuratively speaking of course *lol*) floating on and bobbing along on His waves. Not drifting on (tidal) waves of my own doing.

A different kind of anchor =P
*lol*

Sir: Always. No matter what. :-*

Back to being apart

i was looking for a little message to send to Sir. I didn't intend for it to sound quite so sappy, but it says all the right things, so sappy it will be!

I miss You already Sir, but i'm not going to be sad -because you managed to bring my spirits up, and the best i can do is honor that and keep it up =)
I do miss You though.

Unsettling embraces

The other night i wrote a post i ended with saying that i was gonna try to sleep beside a very restless Sir. And restless He was. Although tossing and turning He had not once removed His hand from me. At first i didn't think anything of it -we like to be close. Over the course of time i noted it more and more, and after having finished the post i turned over to lie in Sir's embrace, and embrace me He did -in fact, He didn't let go for several hours. All night He held on to me like there was no tomorrow, as if i was about to slip through His fingers were He to let go for even a second. If i moved He moved and His embrace grew stronger, holding on even tighter. There was a feeling of desperation over it, which was unsettling. That feeling lingers on.

It was hours before He woke and when i asked Him about it He didn't know what i was speaking of. He seemed genuinely confused over my repetitive questioning if He was alright and asking what's up. I don't think Sir is hiding anything from me, but something is clearly bothering Him, whether He knows it or not.

I am not a worrier. In fact i'm quite the opposite -i tend to ignore and close things out. But for Master i always worry. No, that sounds wrong. I always hold concern for Him. And this, this has me concerned. I think mostly because i don't understand it. Also, Sir himself seems oblivious to it.

I know i needn't worry for Him really, Sir is a strong and capable man - but if i, His subbie, don't worry for Him, then who will? I think it kinda comes with the job description. And it's just how i'm made, i take care of people. For Sir even more so.

Because i love Him. Deeply. And i want nothing but good for Him.