Ramblings of mixed kind

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Ramblings of mixed kind

I had a bit to write about earlier, dunno how much is left of it though -in my head that is. Sorry if this gets messy.

Life has truly sucked lately. MEGA-sucked.

Sir and i are where we are, and even though we're moving along and making progress it takes it's toll. For awhile there it seemed like all we did was argue and fight. Quite often at the same time as i was doing the same with TB -which obviously resulted in that i got double up and in turn so did they!

Add to that the fact that TB has been.... let's put it like this; she and i are usually like cat and mouse, lately it's been taken to new levels.
Then i find out why she's been like exchanged over the past couple weeks; it seems she's bullied/teased at school  

On top of all this i haven't eaten any meds since before xmas and i'm kinda being... Au Naturale at the moment. (Please don't....)
Sir is starting to find out what melinda-au-naturale is....

Let's just say that his hair-trigger state is my default...

It's tiring. I'm tired. So so tired.

And can feel i'm starting to thread quicksand. I know what that means. Really i do. But even though i am all wound up and trigger happy, i am also calmer (i know, i hear the contradiction there) and less panicky. I don't see red and i'm not half as aggressive as i normally am. Because i'm heavy. And as heavy as it is it is also nice to not go loopy every five seconds.
I know i need to do something about it. And i will. In time.
Right now the most pressing matter is dealing with TB and her school matters. She loves school normally.

Home is chaos. I'm chaos. But too tired to deal with it. On top of it there's all these musts. Must this and do that and then this and then that. And then she needs this and Sir needs that and the next one another.... And *sigh*...








Oh yes, this is a D/s blog, maybe i should write something about that *eye roll*

Sir is trying hard and i know it. And i know i'm challenging him a lot -and not in the good way. I know that is bad, at the same time this is me...maybe it's just as well he finds it out so he knows it for real.

Yesterday i got 10 mins corner time for not doing my dishes i had as a task. I was to stand in a corner facing the wall, naked, for ten minutes. Now i don't have any free corners in my living room (so yes, i questioned it! Shush.), so i was told to stand as close as possible and that would be fine (Thank you Sir would've been a bitch to rearrange the whole living room for ten minutes sake! *lol*).
During these 10 minutes i was to think about our D/s relation. I did.
What did i think about then? To be honest i'm not entirely sure.
I know i had the thought that maybe i am the wrong type of submissive for Sir, if we're to be crass. He never seems to have had any troubles with previous ones. If my memory serves me right they were all mainly humiliation-oriented. I'm very much the opposite (it's actually a hard limit for me). And i'm not meaning it's the humiliation itself that's the solution, more that it's something...practical. It's DOING, and Sir is very good at the doing stuff.
I on the other hand is much more abstract. I am much more about the  f e e l i n g. I work very much instinctively and intuitively.
Like Sir the other day couldn't understand how i can be so good at pointing out what he does wrong, but not be able to tell him when he's changed something for the right. I completely understand his frustration in this btw! It's just that for me, i don't sit and think over and look at what's wrong...i just know that something isn't right. I'm feeling it. I know i'm not feeling what i want to feel, and i know i'm not responding to him like i want to respond.
Then he changes something. Most often i'm not even aware of what it is, i do however feel different, and if i feel different i respond different. So i told him; "but you must notice when something is working?" He wants me to tell him (Understandably so, i just don't know if i can. Note can, not won't!)

And this is one of our biggest differences i think. The fact is that i don't know what is working (or maybe even changing), i just know that my response is different. And my response is different because i feel different. It's not even something i think and do, it's a crude case of cause & effect.
So just like i don't think about "wrongs" i don't think about the "rights". And i don't mean by choice, which i realize it may sound like, it's just that my brain don't work that way. Just like i don't sit and think about what to write; i just start and what ends up on the "paper" just ends up there as i go along. That's how my thoughts work. They are "just there", and this is why i often don't even know my own thoughts until i am actually typing them.
It's not thoughts that end up in typing, it's more typing that ends up in thoughts, if that makes any sense whatsoever? Probably not.

OK so back to the other submissives (cos i know i'm gonna be nit-picked about this one)....
It's not that i think that Sir doesn't want me. Or even a submissive like me (because i know he wants me), i'm referring to it more being his style. His natural style. I'm not. Which obviously causes challenges. And that without even counting for all the other challenges i pose!
One thing to compare could be that i am sure none of his other subs has ever "argued" like i do (i'll come back to the definition of argue later). They have probably never been as honest as i am either.
I know that when Sir asks or tells me something the correct reply is for the most just a simple "Yes Sir". And i could do that (who am i kidding?! OK, in theory i could do that) but i have always been honest. Let's look at it for a minute. First you have to remember that we are mostly behind a computer screen (a non-animated non-personal one i want to add), so if i say "Yes Sir" and nothing more that is all he will see and know. Now had i been there in person and i had said "Yes Sir" but not been happy about it He would notice (hopefully). Hence, i do in words what normally my body language would tell him. This is where the "arguing" comes in. In general it's not arguing, it's letting him know exactly how i think and feel about something. It doesn't only have it's downsides. If you really look at it you can also see that if i never did this, he would never know i do stuff even when i don't want to, when i don't feel like it, and even when i think he's an arse for even suggesting something (Yes that happens! Sorry Sir...but it's me we're talking about here). Thing is though-, i've never (in the end) refused him anything! And doing something you really don't feel like or even agree with can say a lot more about your submission, than just doing it with a nice simple submissive "Yes Sir" would do. But yes, it's under the surface. At the surface i can understand it can look argumentative or bratty. And yes, admittedly sometimes maybe i do try to change his mind with my whining about it (i would say that the stats of me  t r u l y  wanting it at the end of the day though is about 1/1000000). I'm simply honest about how i feel about it. Now if he don't actually want to hear it, "all" he has to do is tell me to shut up. I think he's coming to realize this.
That it's not about bratting and it's not about changing his mind really, but about me just always saying what i think -yes i know, it costs me a lot in life! But it has it's advantages too.
This morning he told me how he'd been at the post office, and while standing idle waiting for his turn he'd thought how much he appreciates my honesty. Now, i'm sure it's not this side of the honesty he referred to, but it's two sides to the same coin. I am always honest -sure i tell an odd white lie just like everyone else, but i don't withhold information about my feelings just because they are not what's meant to be said.
So maybe you could say that,at the end of the day, my "arguing"/talking back, tells as much about my submission as it does my lack of it?

Rambling much? Yep! Sorry about that. But hey, it's me....

Pretty sure this is more or less how my brain would look like on an X-Ray!

With love,