My submissive journey: rules

Showing posts with label rules. Show all posts

Thinking subbies

As you know i asked Sir to tighten things up, to (re-)integrate more Dominance and control. It proves a bit more difficult than anticipated. I instantly struggled against it -even though i am the one desiring it, needing it! It's not been deliberate but for some reason this always seem to happen when i ask for more. I dunno why. I know my way of reasoning also very often is perceived as me arguing. Which i guess i am in a way, just not in the way it's perceived. I'm not arguing as in having an argument/fight, but as in arguing my cause, my point of view. I don't even need people to agree with it, but i want people to see it like i do. It frustrates me when i feel they don't. When i feel they "don't get it". The funny thing is i don't even always argue my POV, sometimes i just argue the opposing POV, even if it's not my own. Just for the debate. And to show different sides to a story. I guess being a person seeing things very differently from other people a lot of the time, the majority of the time, it isn't so strange that i often get frustrated in conversations. That frustration is often mistaken for anger or even hardness. And as being obnoxious.
When it in fact is frustration, mainly directed at myself, of not having the ability to make myself understood.
But i am digressing waaaay off the path now. That little sidetrack was mostly to explain why i often is seen as pushy/argumentative/obnoxious/difficult/resisting.

Anyways......

What i was going to write about was me thinking (dangerous business that!)

Being the thinking and forward subbie that i am i have thought of a few things that could help/be used to find my submission and alter my behaviour (maybe).

Reinstate rituals
Having rules drawn up (again)
Having to ask for permission more
Being told more
Keeping me "tighter" ie not let me chat back, cut me off and let me know when i do and when i have an attitude (this is a tough one! Since i am a cheeky person by nature and Sir doesn't want to lose that, it's separating "fun cheekyness" from being plain cheeky that is the difficult part -especially at a distance, and in writing at that! We do keep our Doms on their toes don't we? =P). Being much more strict with me and my actions having consequences (or a nice simple little Good girl if it's on a positive note =D)
More documentation from my side (like required blogging everyday and stuff like that)
Holding a different "tone" of interaction (especially in person?)
The words "Put me back on the floor (too)" comes to mind.....

Anyways, just fragmented thoughts (i wonder when they will make an app to defragment the human brain?! i could do with one of them!), that haven't really been looked at at all, even less assessed.

But there you have it.

Not seen as complaining or anything like that i hope.

I love my Sir deeply and appreciate Him greatly, and i know He does the same. That love (the "romantical love") has complicated things and made them less clear to both of us i think -which in itself is not bad!

We're very lucky to have found each other. But love did complicate things in the way that things aren't so clear cut anymore. It muddled the water and blurred boundaries. And i need boundaries. Without boundaries i roam.

I don't want to roam, i want to be anchored firmly to my Sir, to be attached to His side (figuratively speaking of course *lol*) floating on and bobbing along on His waves. Not drifting on (tidal) waves of my own doing.

A different kind of anchor =P
*lol*

Sir: Always. No matter what. :-*

"Stepping up"

Yeah, that's what a lot of ppl would be calling it.

Me, i prefer calling it getting back on track.

Sir and i continued the conversation that i posted about yesterday. It ended well, although it wasn't the easiest conversation we ever had.

I found this picture and i found it so apt. Without Sir's orange there's a lot of red and some black from my side.

I've been finding it difficult to communicate this. I don't actually know why. But i do know that trying to communicate by stealth or in roundabout ways don't really work.

Yesterdays conversation was much more private than the one before so this time there won't be no excerpts, but i can tell you that we talked about it and that we have both listened to the other person and come to the conclusion to try to get back to more like how we used to be. I need tighter control. More Dominance. Less freedom, and a lot less room to act out and speak out of turn.

And Sir did step up immediately. I continue to have Thursdays off and if i'm not sleeping at home that night i'm to inform Him of it. If i want to stay over any other night i need to ask. Same goes for not being at home at 11pm, which is our chat time.

I'm back to tracking gym, which i was hoping to start today but my daughter had other plans this morning =/ , and i am sure i will eventually have a quota to fill as well. Maybe get some new rules as well (?).

So starting off lightly but keeping it achievable and giving us both the chance to slowly accustom ourselves to being back on track again.

Dialling

i had a really good post writing itself in my head this afternoon. It god disturbed by other.... let's say less pure thoughts *lol*
And as always with me; once thought it's erased from the hard drive =(

Had titel, some of the text, as well as images ready in my head. Not anymore. But i will attempt to write it anyways. It might feel a bit forced at first, because it will be, me forcing my thoughts to try to find their way back.

As you all know there's been a lot of vanilla between me and Brutus lately. I love it!
But i also miss the counterbalance. Yeah i guess that's exactly what i feel; imbalanced.
Everything we have done lately has been great -and was well needed and a very important part of our relationship development.
I love Brutus and i want Him to be part of everything in my life, not "just" the kinky parts. I want the whole Vanilla part too -it was great having Him here meeting my daughter, my family and my friends. It was so relaxed.
Well, overall it was. I can see a correlation between Vanilla and "brattyness" though. Not the Vanilla itself, but the lack of counterbalance that often comes with it.
It's taken awhile but i am slowly realizing just how much i need His Dominance. His control.
Our relationship has changed radically over the last year and i guess we kinda got a bit overwhelmed by it. Neither of us thought it would lead to this. Not this deep love that we hold for each other (i'm learning to handle the fact that it is reciprocated). So by no means do i wish that we didn't have this part of our relationship. I guess i just miss what was too. We'll get back to be more of both worlds though i am sure, neither of us can live without it, it's just been lying under the surface for a bit.

The big dial has been on us as a unit, as a couple. One of the small ones has been on D/s and the other one on daily life and supporting each other in it, as much as friends as anything.

Of course these 3 components should always be there, but i kinda need to make the big dial even bigger and fit in the D/s one there instead of it being on the side. I think we both do. But everything in life has it's time and it's cycles of different activity. I have no regrets, none at all -but i do think the (para)meters need to change a bit now.
To become more like this

More frequencies, more.... more layers. Or rather making the layers more parallel.
Vanilla outings. Being more strict. Meeting friends. Rules, discipline, behaviour. Being lovey-dovey. Being more courteous and respectful. Snuggling on the sofa watching a movie. Servicing. Asking permission. Going shopping. Tasks.
The list is endless, because we can have it all. We just have to be bilateral and 3Dimensional. Not neglect one or the other, even if they have different focus at different times.
I'm losing the grip on my submission and i'm starting to feel a bit lost, like i'm still in the harbour but not moored. It's not disappearing, i don't think that's possible, but i am losing my connection with it. And it shows in my behaviour -even if it's not bad, it's not brilliant either. And my attitude kinda suck.
It's easily handled though. As long as i am being handled. OK, so maybe not so easy then!

*LOL*

This is not a complaint, it's a..... a confirmation of loving what we have, a communication of a want and an explanation of my behaviour (by no means excusing it!).

I hope i haven't made a mess of it.

an average modern man

a complicated man
(aka The Dom)

An average woman

A (more) complicated woman

(aka The submissive)

melinda

(aka The Complicated subbie)

Seasons Greetings

Merry Christmas to You All!

This got me thinking though...Is it Merry to all? I'm sure most people will find joy in the people they have around them. This is a time when family and friends have a special opportunity to meet and reconnect with eachother, many of which one might not have seen since the last holiday gathering. It also tends to turn up one disaster or another -as it almost always does with family! Santa will have had a few too many to drink before the big HO! HO! HO! Kids are squabbeling about their gifts; who got the biggest? Who got the best? Who got the most expensive one? The teenagers will be sulking and wondering when they can go back to the fortress that is their room. Mum is stressed and Grandma is telling the tales of "In my days..." yet again, and Grandpa is probably asleep in front of the TV.

But it tends to turn out to be a good time anyways. We will later laugh about all the silliness of the so called disasters and we will remember the good things -at least what we got for Christmas present!

But how about those other people? Or rather, people like Us? Some will be right in the disaster/joy celebrations, how do they do TTWD? How can they keep that dynamic with all those unwitting friends and relatives?

And all those of us who cannot be with their Master/slave for one reason or another, how do they keep the dynamic? It is much more difficult to keep to tasks and rules and such with all this other stuff around. How does one keep the submissive mindset? Does one need to at all? How can that connection be maintained?

And what will happen afterwards? How easy is it to just "jump back into" the roles again? I might be stereotypical in saying this (but I will anyway), but I think it's easier for Doms. They don't have to really shut off their dominance, because it probably already shines through in their everyday persona, on some level or another. So, what about the subs? Even the subs that are spending their holiday with their Master might find this difficult, even if they have managed to keep some of the dynamic throughout. Maybe they've just exchanged subtle glances to eachother, asking for and giving (or not giving) permission and such. And then there's maybe the opportunity to do more so in private, if that luxury is possible. To then go back to normal will probably take some effort. Is it more difficult to do this as a sub when there isn't that connection? How will one get back into a submissive state of mind?

Is it possible to keep it up even without the tasks and rules and the contact? How would one achieve that?

I for one, will have at best patchy communication with my Master, and I know that that will be difficult for me, for several reasons. The biggest one has to be that loss of contact. I know, or atleast I think, I will feel at a loss atleast some of the time. Even if I do get tasks and rules, or whatever, to keep me somewhat "in place", it will be different. I will have to ponder what I, myself, can do that might help.

If there's anyone that have stumbled upon this blog yet (which I doubt) - How do YOU do?