Thinking subbies

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Thinking subbies

As you know i asked Sir to tighten things up, to (re-)integrate more Dominance and control. It proves a bit more difficult than anticipated. I instantly struggled against it -even though i am the one desiring it, needing it! It's not been deliberate but for some reason this always seem to happen when i ask for more. I dunno why. I know my way of reasoning also very often is perceived as me arguing. Which i guess i am in a way, just not in the way it's perceived. I'm not arguing as in having an argument/fight, but as in arguing my cause, my point of view. I don't even need people to agree with it, but i want people to see it like i do. It frustrates me when i feel they don't. When i feel they "don't get it". The funny thing is i don't even always argue my POV, sometimes i just argue the opposing POV, even if it's not my own. Just for the debate. And to show different sides to a story. I guess being a person seeing things very differently from other people a lot of the time, the majority of the time, it isn't so strange that i often get frustrated in conversations. That frustration is often mistaken for anger or even hardness. And as being obnoxious.
When it in fact is frustration, mainly directed at myself, of not having the ability to make myself understood.
But i am digressing waaaay off the path now. That little sidetrack was mostly to explain why i often is seen as pushy/argumentative/obnoxious/difficult/resisting.

Anyways......

What i was going to write about was me thinking (dangerous business that!)

Being the thinking and forward subbie that i am i have thought of a few things that could help/be used to find my submission and alter my behaviour (maybe).

1. Reinstate rituals
2. Having rules drawn up (again)
3. Having to ask for permission more
4. Being told more
5. Keeping me "tighter" ie not let me chat back, cut me off and let me know when i do and when i have an attitude (this is a tough one! Since i am a cheeky person by nature and Sir doesn't want to lose that, it's separating "fun cheekyness" from being plain cheeky that is the difficult part -especially at a distance, and in writing at that! We do keep our Doms on their toes don't we? =P). Being much more strict with me and my actions having consequences (or a nice simple little Good girl if it's on a positive note =D)
6. More documentation from my side (like required blogging everyday and stuff like that)
7. Holding a different "tone" of interaction (especially in person?)
8. The words "Put me back on the floor (too)" comes to mind.....

Anyways, just fragmented thoughts (i wonder when they will make an app to defragment the human brain?! i could do with one of them!), that haven't really been looked at at all, even less assessed.

But there you have it.

Not seen as complaining or anything like that i hope.

I love my Sir deeply and appreciate Him greatly, and i know He does the same. That love (the "romantical love") has complicated things and made them less clear to both of us i think -which in itself is not bad!

We're very lucky to have found each other. But love did complicate things in the way that things aren't so clear cut anymore. It muddled the water and blurred boundaries. And i need boundaries. Without boundaries i roam.

I don't want to roam, i want to be anchored firmly to my Sir, to be attached to His side (figuratively speaking of course *lol*) floating on and bobbing along on His waves. Not drifting on (tidal) waves of my own doing.

A different kind of anchor =P
*lol*

Sir:  Always. No matter what.  :-*

With love,