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Thursday, May 10, 2012


i had a really good post writing itself in my head this afternoon. It god disturbed by other.... let's say less pure thoughts *lol*
And as always with me; once thought it's erased from the hard drive  =(

Had titel, some of the text, as well as images ready in my head. Not anymore. But i will attempt to write it anyways. It might feel a bit forced at first, because it will be, me forcing my thoughts to try to find their way back.

As you all know there's been a lot of vanilla between me and Brutus lately. I love it!
But i also miss the counterbalance. Yeah i guess that's exactly what i feel; imbalanced.
Everything we have done lately has been great -and was well needed and a very important part of our relationship development.
I love Brutus and i want Him to be part of everything in my life, not "just" the kinky parts. I want the whole Vanilla part too -it was great having Him here meeting my daughter, my family and my friends. It was so relaxed.
Well, overall it was. I can see a correlation between Vanilla and "brattyness" though. Not the Vanilla itself, but the lack of counterbalance that often comes with it.
It's taken awhile but i am slowly realizing just how much i need His Dominance. His control.
Our relationship has changed radically over the last year and i guess we kinda got a bit overwhelmed by it. Neither of us thought it would lead to this. Not this deep love that we hold for each other (i'm learning to handle the fact that it is reciprocated). So by no means do i wish that we didn't have this part of our relationship. I guess i just miss what was too. We'll get back to be more of both worlds though i am sure, neither of us can live without it, it's just been lying under the surface for a bit.

The big dial has been on us as a unit, as a couple. One of the small ones has been on D/s and the other one on daily life and supporting each other in it, as much as friends as anything.

Of course these 3 components should always be there, but i kinda need to make the big dial even bigger and fit in the D/s one there instead of it being on the side. I think we both do. But everything in life has it's time and it's cycles of different activity. I have no regrets, none at all -but i do think the (para)meters need to change a bit now.
To become more like this 
More frequencies, more.... more layers. Or rather making the layers more parallel.
Vanilla outings. Being more strict. Meeting friends. Rules, discipline, behaviour. Being lovey-dovey. Being more courteous and respectful. Snuggling on the sofa watching a movie. Servicing. Asking permission. Going shopping. Tasks.
The list is endless, because we can have it all. We just have to be bilateral and 3Dimensional. Not neglect one or the other, even if they have different focus at different times.
I'm losing the grip on my submission and i'm starting to feel a bit lost, like i'm still in the harbour but not moored. It's not disappearing, i don't think that's possible, but i am losing my connection with it. And it shows in my behaviour -even if it's not bad, it's not brilliant either. And my attitude kinda suck.
It's easily handled though. As long as i am being handled. OK, so maybe not so easy then!

This is not a complaint, it's a..... a confirmation of loving what we have, a communication of a want and an explanation of my behaviour (by no means excusing it!).

I hope i haven't made a mess of it.

an average modern man

a complicated man
(aka The Dom)

An average woman

A (more) complicated woman
(aka The submissive)

(aka The Complicated subbie)

With love,


Elder said...

I think our relation is creeping a bit towards vanilla. There are some explanations for it such as the permanent turmoil we are both in. It is good to remember though that the base remains on the D/s principal. Many things have become also natural so it does not feel as a ritual. For instance you ask I tell. But then also you you get it almost always granted. Why so? you are not asking for unreasonable things. And in most cases the requests are even unselfish. In such case yes is the right answer.
Having said all this the most difficult part of solving a problem is to admit you have one. So it should be easy to fix this.

May 10, 2012 at 7:33 AM
melinda Sweetgirl said...

I wasn't going to comment this yet because i'm on the phone but i feel i have to. I agree with with everything you say, apart from the last sentence. I do not see this as a problem at all so there is nothing to "fix", but there's nothing wrong with stopping to look where one's at and where to go :-)
like you say Sir there has been a lot going on in our lives that has been distracting- both positive and negative i'd say. Main thing is that we are happy together, everything else is work in progress. I am happy :-)
So no, no problem to fix, just ongoing maintenance (lol yes it was a deliberate choice of words).
i love You very much Sir :-*

May 10, 2012 at 11:29 AM

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