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Monday, December 19, 2011


It's been a week since I started the post about my stay with Brutus -I'm sure it will take at least one more before I actually get it out to the public. Like I've written in my last post, basically just asking you all to bear with me, I'm a bit of a mess just now. Stuff in "RL" is going down and it's been taking a lot of my focus (OK, that's if you can ever call me focused), and as I said before I've fucked up with the meds. I'm hoping to get back on track with them soon, but it takes time.
I'm feeling down and tired. I'm not being a very good subbie just now, in fact truth be told I don't really feel all that submissive -no, I said "truth be told" then it should be told; I don't feel submissive at all. And that feeling throws me off further. Feeling submissive centers me, there's nothing centered about me at all just now. I'm running high but feeling low.

The crash that's come after leaving Brutus has had a bigger impact than normal -I think I might be having a sub-drop.
Happened after the first visit but it evened out after a couple days. Nothing like this.

I guess knowing Brutus will be away for a further two weeks with virtually no contact isn't helping either. Last Christmas was hard because it was all so new, had it not been for the fact that my visit, His overseas travel and Xmas separation all came at the same time it wouldn't be so much of an issue, I don't think.

I'm feeling bad for not being the subbie I should be. I'm not really at all at the moment. I'm supposed to go gym today, I haven't been. That's disobeying a direct order and breaking a promise all rolled into one. I hate disappointing Sir, I really do. The day is not over yet, it's only 1 in the afternoon, but I doubt I'll get there. The day started like an Armageddon. I'm drained. I'm not being bratty, I just don't seem to be able to force myself to do it, even though I want to. Because I do, and it would do me good. A world of good. But I don't have the energy to go. I can't bring myself to do it.
Even knowing that Sir will be disappointed in me. And frustrated. And disappointed. (Yeah, I know I already said that)
It makes my heart sink.
I seriously hope I'm back on track soon. As it is life just sucks. Only thing positive right now is that I know I'm helping a very close friend of mine that is in great turmoil (at least I'm good for something!), and that Brutus will be home for 2 days before He leaves again. MY two days! Everyone else will have to take a ticket and stand in line. MY two days. (Yes how un-submissive isn't that!! But Sir has granted me it so it don't matter! *grins*)

Anyways this is it for now.

With love,


cuddlykitten said...

Don't get too down on yourself, ok? These things happen. We all have moments where we can't fulfill a role.

He might not be thrilled that you missed going to the gym. At the same time, you are thinking about it. You want to go. You're not forgetting or saying it isn't important.

I do think your tiredness is on an emotional level. I would guess that all you want to do is stay at home, curl up, and do nothing of importance. We've all been there. Doms too.

He'll understand that you're not at your best right now. He'll help you get back to that point too. I know it. For now, take care of yourself and do what you can.


December 19, 2011 at 2:56 PM
Sara said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Messing up on meds can sure effect everything! I hope you feel back on an even keel soon! Sara

December 19, 2011 at 4:15 PM
Sweet girl said...

Yeah ck, I think that about summed it up! *lol* Thank you for your sweet words *hugs back*

I'm sure I will Sara! Thank you to you too :)

December 19, 2011 at 8:04 PM
Anonymous said...

Dear Melinda - I hope you start to feel like yourself soon.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your support.

Thinking of you and sending good calming thoughts your way.

Take care. Sky

December 19, 2011 at 8:55 PM
kiwigirliegirl said...

hey my friend, i wish there was something I could do to help. But all I can say is im here with a shoulder an big hugs. I think the major part of teh problem is the meds that you messed up and so its thrown your whole system out (yes im stating the obvious I know). Please dont be so hard on yourself. Im sure Brutus wont be either. I think he may even forgive you.
Ill talk to you soon OK
Love and great big hugs kiwi xxxxx

December 19, 2011 at 9:20 PM
Anonymous said...

Hope life feels better soon and you can get that submissive edge back!


December 20, 2011 at 5:07 PM
Elder said...

OK lets see what we can do...

December 21, 2011 at 11:16 PM

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