My submissive journey

One less than yesterday

Thought it fitting, vi actually means "us" in Swedish =D

8

I'm right!

The comments in the last post got me thinking of this.

You left, me right!

(i told you i'm always right! *lol* =P)

Jokes apart;
The first gives the other - i do wonder though; does it work the other way around too?
Or does it make for the opposite?

*Ponders*

Continuing on the subject of having difficulty in giving away responsibility for myself (again, not meaning not having any myself) i have come to the realization that not only is it good for my submission, it's good for me over all.

Care & nurturing and controlling growth, that's what it's all about.

I'll tell you why. The reason i've gotten to this point, i think, is because i have gotten back in touch with my submission -because to be quite frank it wasn't all that present for a while. And getting back in touch with my submission has made me more at peace, more harmonious and more content. Add to that the fact that my health is better and i have made great progress with my mental health issues, and you have the result of a happy submissive. No, i left out one key component there, and that is Sir's Dominance. Which is vital to the equation, and His "stepping up" has made a great difference. I have had great difficulties in admitting that His Dominance is one of the key components to my submission. It has felt like putting the responsibility for it on Him. But i am coming to peace with that. It doesn't feel "right" but i'm starting to accept it for a fact. Because how could it not be? Just like i am the one, or at least the main one, that influences my daughter and her behaviour, so is Sir with mine. There's no way around it. And i think He actually likes it. Wants it. Needs it even.

In the other post stumblingchi wrote a comment saying "....Maybe because we are submissive, it's hard to understand the flip side of it, the fact that taking responsibility for us feeds their dominance, makes them stronger, and is not only a desire of theirs, but even a need for a dominant man?"

Thank you chi for getting me thinking!

And thank you Sir for helping me to get where i am right now! Namely in a calm and submissive frame of mind. And happy, let's not forget HAPPY! =)
Thank you Sir, i love you <3

IT = going to see Sir!

YAY!!

I'm free to do whatever....

Giving away that key - for real - has unlocked the cage that i seem to have been locked within for so long.

Life is smiling at me right now.

In leaps & bounds and baby-steps i go =)

<< I'm free to do whatever i, whatever ~~i please~~ pleases Him.......>> *sings*

Happy! =)

I have to admit that i have always had issues with this, with making Him "responsible" for my submission. To me that have always felt like putting too much responsibility on Him, removing my own responsibility from it.
I am starting to see it differently. Or rather, i am starting to allow myself to see it differently. Because as much as i dislike admitting it, a lot of my submission comes from His Dominance -it's like a chain reaction. So ultimately, without due Dominance there is no submission. No, that's not right, no submission isn't correct, but what i'm trying to say is that for my submission to be.... active (?), it needs active Dominance. Without His Dominance i only have "my 50%" (see other post).
To actively be submissive -be His submissive- i need His Dominance. He holds the key to letting it out, making it active and making it prosper.
My responsibility lay in the.... being submissive? And being my best, for Him.
But He is the one who holds the key to it.
The thought still makes me slightly uncomfortable. Just like asking Him for help does (and accepting it). I know it shouldn't. I am His.
His.
That means not only His responsibility to keep me safe and "up and running", it's His right to. He has the right to it, to it all.
My problem has never been with giving away the rights, but with the responsibility.
I give Him all my rights, but i really struggle with letting go off my responsibility. With that i don't mean i don't hold any responsibility myself, because in my view that can never be totally removed, but i mean in allowing Him to take responsibility for me. Does that make sense?

I don't know why i find that so difficult, maybe it's pride? But at least i have come to the realization that whether i like it or not, His Dominance affects my submission, which if you're to be brutally honest about it, means He is (partly) responsible for it and the way it's expressed.

I haven't seen Him helping me as one of His rights but as a burden. I'm starting to see though that it's all His, all of it and all of me. Although i have always considered myself to give all of me to Him, maybe in clinging on to that pride and deep seethed fear of....yeah, what? Vulnerability? In not letting Him take responsibility for me, in all things and all ways (and always), maybe i haven't truly given Him all of me like i have always thought and wanted to?
I realize now that i have never truly let go, and that that has probably been one of my issues all along.

I'm gonna need some time to digest that.
It's a no brainer really i know, but the meaning of it hadn't really dawned on me before now.

He not only holds the key, He holds the Master key (yeah i know! *rolls eyes heavenwards at self*), i may hold the original but it's old and getting a bit rusty and bent so should probably be used for emergency only =P

Watch as realization hits and the walls

(Not intention of the day i can tell you that much!)

Road kill

Hi all! If there's any left out there that is.
I don't know why i've been finding it so difficult to write lately -well for quite long now!
I'm sorry about that. Like i said i don't know why it is. Maybe because i was feeling very lost for a while, quite a while, and it felt like i was mostly moaning and complaining that things weren't right, not like i wanted them, needed them and so on. Which is a bit how i felt, well more than a bit. And i felt guilty for feeling that way. It's not Sir's fault i get lost in myself, and He's just human too, which means our dips & lows and highs don't always sync.
I'm complex remember ;) -and i really am! i don't make life easy for Him that's for sure! I need lots of love and affection -but just the right amount at just the right time. Same goes for pain and Dominance and yeah well just about everything. Just right. Like i said; i don't make life easy for Him.

I guess you guys remember me asking for 'more'? It took us some time but we are there and i'm so feeling it! It's wonderful :)
it's a bit of a 'chicken and the egg' situation, it's difficult to know which exactly came first, but i'm in a much better place now. In general. Those of you that have followed me for a while know i'm kinda messed up, well at least messy. I think what's been happening is that the messier i feel the more dominance i need, but i also fight the Dominance harder. It doesn't really make sense i know, but then i never have followed reason *lol*.

I think where we have...i was gonna write failed but that is the wrong word, because we haven't failed we just haven't gotten it right...so let's say lapsed. Where we have lapsed before is right there. I start spiraling downwards, Sir gets unsure of whether i need leeway or strictness (i feel for Him i really do! Because how can He know when i don't?!), i feel lost and start disconnecting. With the disconnect comes attitude. Not only in the form of brattiness but in the form of....i don't know what to call it. Hopefully you get what i mean. When Sir then finally push i push back -even if i've asked Him to push -requested it even! This is subconscious. Maybe it's a form of testing whether He's actually pushing or just prodding a bit? Not to be a brat and see if i can push Him, but rather seeing if it's 'worth' getting hopes up? As in "is it something that's sticking around?". I don't know, i'm pondering this myself as i am typing it. Because i'm not quite sure why i push back as soon as He actually try to "pick up the stick". I do however know that i need not be allowed to do that. Because it's like i'm checking for substance, i e sorting between castles in the sky and fortresses, and when i push back and it goes unnoticed/unchecked it doesn't matter how much of a fortress it really was it's instantly turned into air. And like i said, this is completely subconscious. So it's not testing how much i can get away with (so not pushing limits in the normal meaning of the words), it's more testing if i can get away with things at all (i e checking if i should "bother"). Basically i think i push because i want to check if i'll run into that stop sign or not. Because i want the stop sign, not because i don't want it!

God i'm rambling! I hope for your sake i edit this before posting =P

OK, so what i was trying to get at is that i am in a much better place right now. I'm calmer, more collected, more content. More submissive.
Chicken or the egg? Who knows. All i know is that my Rooster is making me a much happier chick! =) (Yeah i know, i was really tempted to use another word than Rooster, but i kept it in check -good of me huh?! *LOL*).
More submissive brings with it feelings of being more calm, collected, content and happier. The 3 C's and being happier means easier submission -it's like a golden egg! (opposite of vicious circle?) OK, i need to stop now.....
*LOL* i wonder what happened to that post i started writing -it certainly wasn't this one! =P

OK so what i'm trying to get at is that there's been some rough seas lately, especially inside of me, which has caused havoc in my head and my emotions, but now i'm -no WE are- at the other side of it and things look and feel a lot better than they have in a long time.
Apart from the fact that i busted my back so that my training flow is broken and just as i said Fcuk this i'm going anyways!, well then i got sick instead *sigh*. But i'm not despairing -which is a good sign of having reached "the other side" (no not that far to the other side! Just over to the slightly greener patch on the other side of the fence ;) ). Usually this would've gotten me really down, OK i'm bugged over it but not bummed, which is the main difference.
Several weeks out the gym feels like Eons, and i more or less have to restart the programs i'd started and was doing so well with, but....it's OK.

Yeah, it's OK.
It's OK, and i'm good. Yeah i'm actually GOOD!

When's the last time you heard me say that??

I know this post is like roadkill and i really really should edit it -but i won't (Sorry!), i am hoping to stick around from now on so that i can just blog more about it instead.

Feel free to kick my butt to do so!

I hope all my friends out there have had a fantastic summer! We're now heading towards Autumn (at least here), and with that change of season i am hoping for a new, more consistent blogging season too.

Take care ya'll!

(Author's note: OK seriously i realize how utterly and completely incoherent this post is -but it served to get my brain going, i hope to have clearer posts following it)

Borrowed words

I know how a totally sucky blogger i have been lately and i have no excuses -no more than a feeble mumbling excuse about being confused, not knowing what to say, life.... yeah and on and on.... You get the gist right? Good, i'll spare you then!

But for the lack of my own words i thought i'd share some reading tips with you =)
This is not books, they are all articles from an online source called The BDSM Training Academy

Here are a few i like, i may post some more later =)

Appreciation & grace

Alternative punishments for manipulative subs

How to start a scene

Tougher training

Sprucing things up

Staying comfortable

Different textures

Not enough room?

Preventing The Drop

Learn their real purpose

moving from part time to full time

Double check your list

Fear in training

Absolutely essential

How to become a painslut

Bottom's up?! - A very common dilemma

Learn from your mistakes

Adding a hook to your training

Needing more

Happy reading!

I've come to realize that a few things have changed in me, some things are no longer an option.

Like having a vanilla relationship, and a life without exercise.

Nope, no can do - i need it, D/s and exercise are my 2 drugs of choice and i can't live without it.

To be happy i need them both -and quite a lot of it too!

Actually make that D/s, S/m, Sx and Xrcise =P

What are your highs, musts and no longer an options?

D/s -an Olympic sport?

DV wrote a great post the other day, which really hit home for me -it's more or less spot on on how i've been feeling lately!
Don't worry i'm not actually gonna copycat it, but i will link to it, you can find it here.

Thank you for a good post DV!

Bewinged & freed

Last night i was looking for pictures for my new blog. The theme was change/metamorphosis and was to be the page for posting progress pictures. As you can imagine you'd get when you type in the words Metamorphosis in a search engine you get a lot of pictures of butterflies.

I'm not going to write about that though, i am going to tell you about what happened with Sir when He came online last night.
I can tell you it was unexpected! But dang did i need it and dang was it good!

There's a reason i haven't written much here lately; i guess i've been confused, i haven't had any words to share because i haven't been able to put any words on anything. I've even been with Sir and come back home without you guys knowing it! But that's a different story (even if it does have some bearing).

Last night Sir was clear, demanding and precise -exactly what i need!

Last night Sir and i spoke briefly before our usual time and He was told that i was home alone this evening. He got excited and got some ideas -i literally couldn't keep my eyes open though so we decided to meet up at our normal time. And we did. I was forewarned i'd be in for a spanking.

After a short time He asked me to get His desired implements out. I was hoping for some more than that, so i asked if there was anything else Sir wanted. He sent a devious devil smiley saying that would be plenty, but adding that i was free to come with suggestions and special requests. For some reason i hesitated for a minute, and in my usual fashion i didn't actually come out with the words straight but gave Him hints to understand what i wanted. Don't ask me why, because i don't actually know why i do that.

But never mind, you probably wonder what my request was?
Some time ago, for when Sir was coming to visit me, i had bought a dog collar and leash. We never got round to using it, or in fact me even showing Him it. That was my special request.
It was granted *grins*.

He wanted me to attach the leash to something, but it's too stiff for that so i was told to put my foot through it so it was attached to my leg, and then connect it to the collar, but to not put it on.
i did as i was told.
Sir had me asking for permission to put the collar on, and i did so kneeling.

i can't tell you the feeling of getting the collar around my neck! But i'll try.
It was like a wave of calm and safety washed over me. You know a bit like when you feel small and vulnerable and get to crawl up close to them and feel their strength and warmth against you and you just sigh and want to purr? Yeah like that. Relief. Yeah, i think that's the word for it, relief.

And.....

As i kneel, i feel myself growing wings, and as my submission fills my senses i feel them open and spread, preparing to fly; set free in my restraints.

Metamorphosed from cocoon to butterfly.
From defiant & petty to pliable & submissive.

(Yes, i could see this in my head as it happened, my mind works like that -i've told you long time i'm not like others =P)

Freedom. That's what i felt. I was physically shrinking in size, but mentally i grew stronger and freer -not through independence but through empowerment from His power.

Freedom & relief.

God did it feel good!

[still purring from it 2 days later]

It feels like this blog kinda got fitness-hijacked! Therefore i've created a separate blog just for that - you can find it here. I will be moving stuff over as and when i can, but everything new will be posted over there (as of today).

Please note that it is a Vanilla blog!

A New Challenge

I've started a new fitness challenge! There are quite a few challenges around for both me and Brutus right now actually, but more on that later.

Anyone feel up to a challenge?

I've been crap i'm sorry.

Even melinda runs out of stuff to say sometimes

- i think i'm back tough!

Let's see if there's any of you left out there.

Altercations of the public kind

I just had an altercation with a to me perfect stranger (and perfect he thought he was! At least compared to me...but hey what's new?).
Me and TB had a lovely day at the beach today -it was great fun! More fun than we've had in a long while. But of course it didn't end that way. While i'm packing away our stuff she sits on her ball and i tell her not too -several times. I explain that it will ruin the ball. She keeps kicking away the ball into the area where the swings are, even though i tell her not to, again several times. She wants an ice cream. She's trying to blackmail me into getting her one. I tell her, as we're walking over the grass, to not kick her ball. Firstly it's not a football and secondly i said there could be dog poo around so don't kick it about. She was still arguing about her ice cream. I tried to explain to her that the "if i get an ice cream i'll be good all day", or the "if i don't get an ice cream i will misbehave all day" don't work. I explain that you get stuff when you behave and are good not the other way around.
She keeps kicking the ball. I'm angry. She kicks it out in the street so it ends up under a car; i get pissed off. Now, i have a very loud voice, well rather it's very...carrying. When i raise my voice ppl hear it no matter what. Yes, i shouted at her. A lot. I said stupid things. I do both way too much, i'm aware of that.
We walked to the bus stop. On the way there we argue some more, i still shout and she's still misbehaving and i'm pissed. And fed up. She keeps dragging her feet and i don't want to mis the bus (that i don't know when it's coming). She's walking far behind me so i shouted, actyually not really angrily, more impatiently. We get to the bus stop and a car pulls in on the other side of the street. A man gets out and walks with purposeful strides towards me. He stops me and starts talking to me about that he's just seen the whole thing and how terrible i am. I say thank you for your observation we'll manage just fine thank you. He's not having it. He goes on about how wrong i am, how degrading it must have been for my daughter to get shouted at publicly, about the communication staircase and on and on. Now i tell him i know i do wrong, i know that it's not the right way to behave with a child. I also tell him he don't know the whole story. He feels it necessary to tell me that some woman actually started crying from seeing me shouting at my child (i mean really?! do people really do that? OK, i know it was bad behaviour, but as i told the man it's not like i was standing beating her!). Again i told him i understood him and asked what he actually wanted from me. He made his point, i heard it, now what? He looked at me as if i came from Mars. I said i know what you're saying but what do you actually want from me now? You said i should speak to her but what do _you_ actually want? He even asked TB what she felt when i shouted at her. Didn't she feel like this or that? She actually looked at him and said no *lol*. Sorry i know it's not funny really, but the look of surprise on his face kinda was.
I told him that maybe i wasn't perfect, maybe i didn't do right but i do my best. He didn't have much to say to that. Finally he left and i asked TB if she was OK. Her reply? "yeah, why you asking?" again *lol even though it shouldn't be funny*
When we came home i spoke to her about it. I asked if she understood what the man wanted, what he was talking about -she hadn't. I tried to explain to her that he thought i had mistreated her. She said "i don't" -i know, that's the wrong reply and it implies a lot! And you're all right. I know that. I also spoke to her about it, asking her if she was OK, told her i love her even if i get angry and shout at her. She said she knows. I asked if we're OK, she was stumped; "what do you mean?". I asked if we're ok,she was like "what you and me?", "yes", i said, "you and me? Friends?" And of course we are. She didn't really understand the issue (again, yes i know! But it also shows she doesn't take it as badly as ppl think!). I think it's really good that people dare speak up when they think they see something wrong -most people don't, which the guy actually pointed out. I speak up too. But people also have to remember that they don't know the whole story and they don't see the whole picture. They don't know the circumstances and conditions that apply. They don't know what conditions there are for communication, behaviour and interaction between two people. They just don't know the full story. Like he said "the aggression from you was palpable". Yes, i know that. It's one of my many issues -which i'm working on! But if you turn it around; was it not better that that aggression was verbal than physical? Yes, of course both are bad! But one is significantly worse than the other one. And i work on doing neither.
My daughter knows i love her. My daughter knows i lash out. She knows i don't react as i should. She also knows i try, that i do my best. She may only be 6 years old, but she knows.

I want to make clear that i'm not writing this for sympathy or to get someone "on my side", in fact i know this post will probably shock and horrify as many readers as on lookers at trhe beach. I'm writing this to get it out of my head. And to share the message that people really should intervene if they see something they think is wrong -but remember also that you don't know it all! Try to remember that your reality isn't always the same as everyone else's. Yours might be better, it doesn't mean others don't do the best they can with what they have to work with.
So try to judge with an open mind.

But saying that kinda is the same as this:

If i have any readers left still i want to apologize for coming back from hiatus with this negative vanilla story, but sometimes reality is just like that.

I'll try to be back soon with something......better.