My submissive journey: July 2011

Reactions

The other day me and Master was playing. It started of good with a spanking and after it I felt...happy, content, mellow....like I could just curl up against Him and watch a movie. Nothing sexual, nothing needy -just plain mellow.
But then we continued; we moved on to clamps. In all honesty I would have preferred to just have stopped at the spanking (I mean who wouldn't? I felt...good), but anyway we moved on. Initially I felt the normal pain of putting on the clamps, but then after a few minutes there was nothing, zilch. And then I started feeling annoyed, irritated, then aggravated, pissy. And I acted like it too! I got outright bitchy! *hangs head in shame*

I have previously mostly gotten to see pink fluffy clouds but this....no never before.

Now, my question is this:
have you ever had 'negative' feelings brought out from pain play?

The workings of our minds

I just saw a really interesting program. It was about this 25 year old guy that had one day, sitting on the train, suddenly lost his memory. Just like that.
Apparently the condition is called fugue. It's a type of amnesia that only affects your emotional memory. He could still walk, talk, even play football -but he couldn't remember anyone or anything about himself.
That must be so scary, to just wake up in a hospital with loads of people telling you that they're family, friends. But you have no way of really knowing. You have to take other peoples word for everything about you. Who you are, who you've been, what you've done..... that must be scary as shit!

But it did make me kind of jealous at the same time. He said so himself; he got to restart his whole life from the beginning, he could now shape who he is, who he wants to be and how he wants to lead his life. And it got me thinking - wouldn't that be nice?! Just wipe it clean, start from the beginning. Of course there are things that you don't want to forget -like your daughter. My dad, even though the memories are few and far from perfect, they are all I have of him and I can't make any new ones.
Oh and Master..... because would there be anyway of me even knowing of His existence? Well, actually yes, Teresa would tell me about it come to think of it. But the emotional ties would be gone -which of course is not desirable at all.

But it also got me thinking about the physical and physiological aspect of it. Although my brain would still have the (assumed) scarring of it's tissue, would the loss of the memory of the actual depression make any difference? Would it make any difference on the current mental health status? Does the mind remember the episodes and therefore put it in a worse state than it actually is physically?
Now of course it wouldn't change the chemical imbalance which is the root cause of the condition, but I wonder if it could alter the actual state of mind due to it? I'd still be bipolar. I'd still have the same problems. But would the loss of the emotional baggage and the "muscle memory" of the worst episodes put one on a more even keel?

It's an interesting thought.
And just like anything else it would of course have it's pro's and it's con's.

Oh I just thought of another thing! Would it change me in TTWD? It took me 30 years to find myself here, would I lose that part of me? Even though it is a part of who I am, my sexuality. Can one lose one's sexuality, or is it something that is imprinted in us? Imprinted but needs personal discovery?

If you removed all the emotional scars that we bear with us, would we still be the same -or would we lose our essence?
Would we go back to who we were previously, only with the ability to change all that was bad, all that we did wrong? Still be 'me' only better?

"The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly"

-Chuck Palahniuk

That's a quote I read today, and it struck me how true that is in TTWD

(at least for me).

A lot of the time when I'm really low and don't feel like doing nothing, I don't want to....

I don't want anything.
Often when I feel like this Master will give me pain.

"Why bother?" tends to be my general line of thought.

But of course I do as I am told.

And more often than not I end up flying high,

coming out on the other side

feeling refreshed and more at peace than before.

Forget

"The higher you fly, the harder you fall"

Let yourself be lifted high!

More on tears, letting go and spankings.

I have recently written much about the release one can get from tears and about letting go, letting down those walls and trusting your partner to maintain control whilst having your interest at heart.

Finding Sara's latest post summarised just about everything I was trying to say -here's an excerpt from it;

"From my perspective, getting the emotional release from spanking is a tricky thing. It is not about the pain, although pain is the trigger. It is really about being able to let go, learning to not have to be in control all the time, trusting your spanker to be the one in control, so that you can let down your walls and let any pent-up emotions up and out. Sometimes that will mean tears. For me, sometimes it will also mean anxiety, fear, worries, anger...whatever I've been holding on to. Like you, letting go of control is very hard for me. There was a time when I worried that I could not cry and I wanted to be able to have that release during a spanking. Grant was very wise in telling me that he knew I would when I was ready, and that it was going to be a process. He was so right. Without him or me putting the pressure on myself, I found my way to feeling more and more safe, able to trust him, and to trust myself, to finally be able to let go."

Thank you Sara for letting me quote you -and for a very well written reply in your post.

Atrocities and Condolances

That's how many has been found dead so far.

And the toll is rising.

When this girl is close to tears from watching the news then it's bad - REALLY BAD!

I feel for all those that have lost a loved one in this unnecessary tragedy,

my thoughts are with you.

Letting go

In my previous post Tears I mentioned relief. The relief that crying can bring, the catharsis of it. To really cry you have to let go. Let go of control, let go of the walls you've built up around yourself and let go of your fear and insecurities.
I am working on this. But it is hard, even when trying. I want to let go, I want to show Master all of me, to be transparent. In writing I am, but in action, in person I'm not really there yet.
Although with Him my walls are brittle and easily crack I find it hard to let go, to just lose myself -even if it ends in tears. Those cathartic tears that brings relief -relief I so badly need. But I'm afraid of where it will take me. Of where I'll end up. Fear.
I'm scared of what He'll see if it takes me where I don't want to end up. I'm scared that I will scare Him. And ultimately I am scared that I'll scare Him off. How He'll see me, look at me.
He reassures me that there's no need to worry, He really does and I believe Him, but the insecurities stay.
The last defence of the wall, although brittle, remains.

How do you learn to let go when you've spent most of your life building defences?
It's not that I don't trust Him. I do. He's one of the few that really knows me -like really know me. He's one of few (read two) I've let in.
I've said it before; He's touched my soul in ways I didn't even know was possible, yet here I am clinging on to the last crumbles of defence, not letting go.
I'm trying, I'll keep on trying and I'll try harder.
For Him. For me. For Us.

Tonight an article from Submissive Guide dropped into my mailbox. It covers the subject of opening up your relationship for play outside of the relationship the two of you have. Go read it! It is a really good one. I'll give you a quick run through of it. Basically the scenario is that your partner has kinks that you don't - kinks that are important/vital to them - would you let them practise these kinks in play with others?

I really found this to be a tough one! My only truly honest answer is 'I don't know'. I'd like to be able to be strong enough to do that - to let Him be fulfilled. Do I honestly think I could? No, I don't.

I have had threesomes, foursomes even, in the past - but it has always been as single (and vanilla!). Threesomes have been discussed within relationships before, my answer has always been; I'd like to, but I don't actually think I could.
I don't share. I can't imagine seeing someone I love being intimate with someone else. I'm of the jealous kind - that I'll admit (Hey, I'm a Scorpio! ;-) ).
Is it selfish? Yeah I suppose it is. To be honest though, in the case of a threesome I don't think it is a "vital kink". But what about those important kinks? If I couldn't give my man something that he needs to be truly happy, fulfilled, could I then? Could I overcome my fears and insecurities for His happiness and fulfilment? Could you?

The before and the after

Being in an LDR is very different from being RT, I believe - it has both it's advantages and disadvantages. Advantages being that you really get to know each other on a personal level, not just within the D/s roles. Now for you in Dd (i e marriage, however you'd label your dynamic) this is already the case of course. It can get very intense and the bond can become very deep, strong.
I feel I have this with my Sir - and I felt it long before we even met. I had very strong feelings for Him - strong feelings I at first refused to acknowledge as love, but it is; I love Him. He has reached into the very depth of my soul.
Now, I have been engaged before - long before i found D/s - now it might not have been snow white vanilla, but it was vanilla all the same. It was nothing like this. We were like tornado and volcano; it was intense and passionate - and a complete disaster (in the end). I loved him, deeply, intensely -so much that it hurt. But it was nothing like this. Master has reached my soul in a way that I never thought even possible. It doesn't come from fire or passion (I no longer think that reaches the soul, merely other parts of you like heart, brain and body - but not soul), no His reach is far more than that. It touches every piece of me; heart, mind, body and soul. And it comes not from explosions - it comes from steadfastness, security, sensibility and trust. I trust Him to do what is best for me, to want was is best for me. What is best for Us.
Trust.
Safety.
Honesty.
Openness.
Transparency.
You don't get that in a vanilla relationship - never to the same extent.

Now back to the before and after.
I felt all this before. Before we met. Now?
God I don't even know if I can describe the difference!
Before I wanted Him - now I crave Him!
Before I felt His Dominance over me - now I feel it in me!
Before I felt like His - now I am His!
Before..... before was deep, now is deeper.

Before it sucked that I couldn't be with Him - now I'd do just about anything to be with Him.
But....it doesn't make it possible.
Because life doesn't care about these things.
It doesn't care about the before and the after.
But it makes a difference.
It makes a difference because there is a before and an after - it makes a difference, because now I feel different, now I don't long for, I ache - ache for Him. But it is worth it, it is so worth it - because I've been touched to the soul, and the soul don't forget -ever!
And no matter what, distance or not, I am His; I am His and it thrills me, arouses me, comforts me and humbles me.
The before was good - great even! The after is magnificent.
Tough, but magnificent.

Lifestyle mentality - Dominance - My view

Below are some texts that I have found on the Internet, to me they describe exactly the mentality I think a Dominant should have -but that is just me! What I think and how I want the Dominant I'm involved with should be.

What do you think of the texts below?

The Dominants Creed

As the Dominant to my submissive I know that she gives herself to me in mind, body, soul and spirit and does so of her own volition. In me she has placed confidence, reliance, faith, hope, and dependence.

I will endeavour to ensure my submissive’s needs and desires are learned, and her limits are respected at all times. I understand that the gift of submission is priceless and will cherish it always.

Through my actions I will demonstrate that I am in complete control of myself thus allowing me impress upon my submissive the need to relinquish any control she may subconsciously retain in order to facilitate our erotic power exchange.

I accept responsibility for all aspects of my submissives life, ensuring that each decision I make in her regard is the best for her body, spirit and soul. Never will I place my submissive in jeopardy, nor will I compromise the trust she has placed in me.

In order to bring my submissive to new heights and understanding, I will work to achieve a vast knowledge of all aspects of the lifestyle, thus allowing me to be the teacher that she so richly deserves.

I will honour, defend and guard my submissive at all times showing that my love for her will provide a safe harbour in times of adversity.

My Dominant self is rooted both in reality and in fantasy, yet I can easily differentiate the two never allowing the fantasy world to overtake that of the real world.

In times of distress and hardship, I will shed the role of Dominant and provide for my submissive, a supportive partner and confidante.

While often unrelenting and strict, bringing my submissive to tears, I will always kiss away the tears that are shed showing my submissive that while stern, my heart belongs to her.

I vow never to lift a hand to my submissive in anger. When punishment is needed it shall always delivered with a tender and discerning hand and for a valid reason.

I pledge to my submissive patience and understanding, tolerance and steadfastness allowing us to grow and nurture the bond we have established so that it may withstand the test of time.

Above all else, I will wear the title of Dominant with great honour.

~~~~

Seven Pillars of Dominance:

*A dominant is a ruler, but never a tyrant.
But to rule requires understanding, and understanding requires humility.

*A dominant has pride, but never arrogance.
But pride requires dignity, and dignity requires humility.

*A dominant commands respect, but never fear.
But respect requires serenity, and serenity requires humility.

*A dominant employs strength, but never force.
But strength requires knowledge, and knowledge requires humility.

*A dominant criticises, but never derides.
But criticism requires insight, and insight requires humility.

*A dominant receives, but never takes.
But receiving requires giving, and giving requires humility.

*A dominant completes, but never tries to alter.
But to complete one must be able to see what is there, not what is missing, and this most of all requires humility.

Author: J. Mikael Togneri ©

Lifestyle mentality - Dominance -

We all know that there are lots of different types of Dominants out there - there are lots off different types of people out there.

But I think maybe we can narrow down the Dom types a bit ;

* The Carer

* The Enforcer

* The Tyrant

(I will for ease, and for it is written from my perspective, use the term Dom (male), and submissive will be used in it's female form, but of course all constellations of the form can be applied.)

- The Carer;

The caring Dominant treasures his submissive. He does everything he can to see to it that her needs are met and that everything is as good as it possibly can be - now this doesn't always mean that he gives her what she wants! Nor does it mean that he is soft or a push over. Of course he also makes sure that his own needs are met and that his standards are kept. He still wants service, rules should be adhered to and there are still very defined roles in the dynamic of the relationship.

I would definitively put the "Daddy"-type in this category (not referring to "child-play here).

- The Enforcer;

This type of Dominant is a bit more strict. Rules can be plentiful and there isn't much leniency given in straying from them. There is often also very High Protocol applied. I can see that this type of Dominance would be the most natural to be applied in a "casual relationship", relations that are 'just' play or service related, i.e. there are no deeper feelings involved. This is also where I would place the Micro-managing Dom. Although very strict and controlling this type of Dom too treasures his sub, even if (when) there is no love present he still looks out for her and has her best interest at heart.

To typify this category I would use the strict "Headmaster" as example.

- The "Tyrant";

The despotical Dom can often be mistaken for being abusive. The roles are well defined, the rules are set and that is pretty much that. Not much consideration for what the sub thinks or feels are taken into account apart from her hard limits (if they are not, well then they have moved on to the next step which is The Abuser, and that really is no different in Kinky-world than it is in Vanilla-world). Things should be done completely from the perspective that "it pleases him"; it pleases him therefore it shall be (kind of thing). Some even consider limits disallowed (however personally I find this difficult to understand or even see possible). I think many new Doms end up in this category, just because they do what they think a Dom should be like, not yet being their own and making their own path in TTWD. The domineering types that think they are Dominant also gets placed here.

What kind of Dom are You?

Tears

There are different kinds of tears.
You can tear up out of happiness and joy, in frustration and anger, from sadness or guilt. From being hurt and in pain -whether it is stubbing your toe or having your heart broken. But you can also feel the sting of tears in your eyes from someone being kind; kind words, a kind gesture.

Anything that touch us deeply can provoke tears from us.

How this happens can also be very different. Tears can flow freely. They can trickle. They can come in staccato, one by one, slowly.
That's usually how they come for me, and usually just a few and then it dries up again.

Tears can bring an incredible relief, catharsis. Especially when you've cried floods and start sobbing and heaving and snotting (the latter not being all that attractive *lol*). But that don't happen to me often. I cry the silent tears. The two or three, or five or six tears that dry up in an instant. No sobbing. No heaving. No catharsis. But sometimes even those few singular tears can bring some relief. Even if minute, it is relief all the same. Relief that clears the fog that's closest to us, so that we can see a few feet ahead, even if it is just for a moment or two.

Tonight kind words from a kind Dom did that for me, and I just wanted to say Thank You!

Thrown off course

I've felt a bit off kilter since I came back home again.

Don't know what's the cause.

I did experience a kind of sub-drop the week after. Luckily only lasted a day though.

But it's not only that.

I'm having difficulty focusing. Finding it hard to channel the pain, well to control it. Even when it feels really good. Those "Oh fuck it's too much, oooooooh that's nice!"-'schizophrenic feelings' that usually have me at odds with myself; wanting to scream stop! stop! stop! But at the same time loving it so much that you start to feel the pink fluffy clouds surrounding you. If you can just hold out.

And that's where I fail now. I can't hold out -it's like my mind bails out even when I want to stay.

I can't seem to be able to process and channel it like I normally do -painsluttily do. Now I feel like a wimp. And it feels like I'm letting Him down. Of course He assures me that that is not the case, that it is no problem. Don't stop me from feeling it though. You all know how it is right?

How do I get my mojo back? Do I just have to wait it out? Try to get my body in sync?

What if the cause is hormonal and/or reaction to changing meds? Does that mean it will stay this way?? I hope not! I like my painslutiness...I like liking the pain!! ......I need it.

Or is it mental? That would probably be easier to fix, if it's a focus issue.

Sweet girl needs to get back in the game......back on track.......in sync again.

This.... this loss frustrates her -because yes, that's what it feels like; a loss.