My submissive journey: January 2012

Stick

Following the gym fiasco of last week i've gotten a major stick wielded at me. Major.

It actually scares me. No it's not dangerous. It could not harm me. But it would completely...completely what? I'm actually not sure. It would make my heart ache. It's bad when He's away for work. Not getting to speak with Sir knowing He's available is something else. It would be like waving a water bottle in front of a man dying from thirst. Will it motivate me? Doubtful. Not because i am willing to endure it, but because motivation has to come from within. Will it get my ass in gear? If this don't then fuck knows what will! I've forgotten to tell you what the stick is haven't i? I'll get a deadline for when gym requirements will have to have been met. I'm to let Sir know when it is. If it is not then He won't come online until it is. This week i've got to do it twice, making up for last week. Wednesday and Friday -feel free to be on my back about it!! I need to do this. I NEED to. Weird thing is i love the gym. So why the f**k am i struggling so with it? Your guess is as good as mine. Time to get that fat ass out of the wagon. Like having gained all the weight i'd worked so hard to lose shouldn't be motivation enough. Or maybe that's just it? I did it and then i fucked it up and now i'm discouraged? Yeah that's actually quite likely. I need to get that enthusiasm going again. Maybe knowing my punishment would punish Brutus just as hard will do it. The last thing i want is to hurt Him. Hurting Him is like hurting myself i was about to say. But it's not, it's worse, much worse.

Brutus: i love You and will always do anything in my power to not hurt You.

I'll fix this. For You. For Us.

Hoping to turn the stick into an olive branch.

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Screams

This sucks! This so really and truly sucks!!!! I wrote a really long and actually really good post on my phone -i was smart enough to copy the text before posting, just in case. Or so i thought. I "select all"'d, but i forgot to choose copy after it. I clicked "save as draft" apparently i messed that up too. And now it's gone. And i don't seem to be able to get it back *cries and wails*

Sir i know what You're going to say -but it's not the case, i've managed to publish two empty posts since ;) This was purely my stupidity. That and the library WiFi connection losing contact (i'd imagine). Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Always, it's always the good posts that disappear. It's never the ones you don't care much for, it's always the ones you'd be proud of posting.

F**k that.

I'm so pissed right now.

I'm such a clutz!!

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OMG!

After having done everything possible that i could think of to get that post back, with cussing and swearing and being really pissed off at myself i publish this post -and 2mins later i manage to not only find, but save AND publish the post i thought was gone forever!

Hell, sometimes even i'm lucky!

YES! Score!

*now smiling*

Pin-up Sexy Sunday

This was you're favourite Rolf Armstrong picture

This week i have chosen to go with Jessica Dougherty -who i think may be a subbie herself! why?

Because this is her Jessica Dougherty pin-up artist

Pretty huh?

Or a Switch maybe? Jessica Dougherty

You have no idea how difficult this was!

- She's just so good!

So i split it into 2 parts.

This week kinky, next week less so.

Please, enjoy Jessica Dougherty - The Kinky Part

This is something Sir J wrote on Wolf and squirrel's blog, it really struck me, stuck with me and....agrees with me.

I fell in love with this lyric

(surely a lyric can't FAIL too?!)

Something that we do

I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
I still believe the words we said
Forever will ring true
Love is certain, love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn't something that we find
It's something that we do
It's holding tight, lettin' go
It's flying high and laying low
Let your strongest feelings show
And your weakness, too
It's a little and a lot to ask
An endless and a welcome task
Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that we can't tell where I end and where you start
It gives me heart remembering how
We started with a simple vow
There's so much to look back on now
Still it feels brand-new
We're on a road that has no end
And each day we begin again
Love's not just something that we're in
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that we can't tell where I end and where you start
Love is wide, love is long
Love is deep and love is strong
Love is why I love this song
And I hope you love it too
I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
Love isn't just those words we said
It's something that we do
There's no request too big or small
We give ourselves, we give our all
Love isn't someplace that we fall
It's something that we do

- Clint Black -

Sorry to nick from you yet again Sir J!

I hope you don't mind my theft. Again thank you for this, i totally and utterly love it.

Weather changes

Yes, the weather is changing all round. The winter has decided to come now -I do not like! In my eyes, if the winter forgets to come at winter then it bloody well should stay away!
Anyways, it's not just the cold and snow that has changed the weather.

You know when everything starts off so good and it finally looks like you are going to see those clear blue skies that you haven't seen for god knows how long? Well the clouds always appear sooner or later don't they? That time has come. Everything was so great with the flat, i really liked it, i've bought lots of stuff for it and are waiting for the IKEA delivery of my furniture -which btw is arriving on Thursday. Only they are arriving to a flat that is so reeking with smoke that even i think it's disgusting -and i'm an ex big time smoker!
It's not that the walls are a little yellowed, it's "Hey! I didn't know this wallpaper was patterned!", because it wasn't visible until i saw a patch where a painting had been. The walls and even the carpentry smells. I can smell it -and i barely have a sense of smell at all!

How did i not notice this before? Yeah i wonder that too. But as i said, barely no sense of smell, and it actually got much much worse after i'd aired it out, strange enough. Apparently damp brings it out from the walls.
I called the landlord and they basically just said that the inspector had OKed it so it can't possibly be that bad. *sigh*
I'm actually subleasing the apartment so i'm getting the main contract holder to chase them down.
Let's hope that they will decontaminate it (yes it's that bad!), and let's hope i can find the bloody storage to put my new furniture in = | I don't want them to reek = (

Add to that the mobile phone i got as a present from my lovely friend Terror, that i totally fell in love with (the phone that is! *lol*), that suddenly stopped working the other day.
So, i fell in love with the flat and was really happy about it - FAIL!
I fell in love with the phone - FAIL!
I fell in love with Brutus (loooong before) - Thank god that is NO Fail! Brutus -my rock, my warmth, my safe harbour, my love, my constant -what on earth would i do without You Sir?
Thank You for always shining on me, even when the sun is covered by clouds. I love you.

I will keep you guys updated on the flat and everything -keep your fingers crossed for me that it will for once work out in my favour? Ta!

Pin-up Sexy Sunday

A big thank you to the person that put in the deciding vote =)

That landed us this winner ---->

Continuing the theme of the different artists, this week it's

Rolf Armstrong.

Votes

In the next 12hrs or so the voting for last weeks PuSS will close. It looks like there will be a draw. Want a new artist this week? Then go vote!

The clock is ticking....

Realignment

Sometimes a sub needs to be realigned. Brought back to the straight and narrow path that her Master leads her on. At least i do. Right now is one of those times.

I need an attitude check.

It is not that i disobey or brat, but i do comply begrudgingly sometimes. I don't do well with this, realigning is far more difficult than straying is. And i have more difficulty with this than Brutus does. Which at large is from the one of the biggest downfalls of LDRs; the lack of body language. Sure we could Skype or video chat. We don't. Probably because we never did from the start so it's not what we are accustomed to. I also think i'd feel weird doing that during play. Although i do see it's advantages too, but i think i'd feel awkward.

So, with the lack of body language, a big tool of "reading off" the other person is lost. Hence the fact that Sir did not know the extent of this. Sure He knows when i'm not thrilled at something -i can't fake for the life of me! No matter how hard i try. He actually said so Himself last night, He notices it by me getting a bit sarcastic when i'm asked, or told, to do something that i'm not too excited about. But that is a part of my personality. I am like that a lot in my verbal communication. Now, i don't mean snarky, but i do use a lot of sarcasm. And cheekyness. And attitude. None of this in an offensive or bratty manner (although some people sometimes take it like that, but is their bad communication skills, not mine =P), and all are traits of my personality rather than behaviour (if that makes sense?). Brutus totally accept this as part of being me, in fact i think He likes it (?). Of course i'm not allowed to be rude or bratty by any means, but it's not really who i am or how i work either.

Right now i need an "attitude check". It's not about punishment, but correction. About telling me off when i have a bad attitude, rather than just being me (i make it easy for Him don't i? *lol*)

I realize i am the one who has to do most of the work on this. If i were there He could see this coming and stop me in my tracks. A word, a look, a "melinda", would suffice. Only i never have this issue when i am with Sir. I don't really need correction at all when i am with Him. I guess distance affects me more at some times than others. Having a lot going on affects me a lot too. I get out of sorts. I lose focus and direction. I lose my center. I lose my mindset.

What i don't lose is my true submission, my love for Brutus or my devotion to Him or to our relation, either as Dom and sub or to the Vanilla side of it. But i do lose focus of my attitude and mindset.

But i am still His. All His. Completely. Definitively. Absolutely.

Just like always.

Pain and Tears and Fog and Jungle

(...does that make it into a jumble?)

I have lots to write, tonight's session with Sir brought out a lot of stuff (it always does when you least expect it doesn't it?). I think I could write a whole book about it. If i wasn't so tired. I might even go to bed without having sent Him the pictures from it...rare thing that, I don't think Sir will mind though (if i did i wouldn't do it now would i?).

*sigh* I just wish I knew what's up with me....

I'll try to write about it tomorrow, chances are though that it is completely gone from my mind by then. Let's hope not.

Thank You Sir for being patient with me, for putting up with all my weirdo moments and over-complicated, over-analyzing & completely incomprehensible mind.

I adore You <3

Respect and Adoration

A Public Announcement

As you may know Sir and i have a new blog together. It's called Thoughts and views on Dominance and submission and has a Blog with a sub-section ( =P ) called Pic of the Day, where every day one of us post a picture we like (you'll see which ones are mine ;) ). I have also made a Forum where people can discuss anything between heaven and earth AND a chat room.
Almost forgot, there's also a "library" where you can find things we like to read, as well as a Reader's Recommendations List.

Lots of stuff -but no people!

So, now I'm making a PR announcement

-PLEASE COME JOIN US!!

Please help me get it going? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top and adorable sweet submissive curtsies? *Big Puppy Eyes*

We would love to have you =)

"This advert was brought to you by melinda."

*giggles*

Looking up, looking forward

It's starting to feel good. I'm crap at packing so that's not going so smoothly, eventually it will all end up there though. I have started moving things to the new flat tough, you know one bag here and one there kinda thing. Today I went shopping for some stuff and I found a bedside table, a kitchen lamp, a really nice round purple velvet cushion (yes, guess what i had in mind for that, except for it looking great in my new sofa), some nice white and purple cardboard storage boxes to put in the TV-unit. I also bought a hoover and some bits and pieces. Now all I need is for IKEA to deliver my furniture and for a friend of mine to help me move stuff over. Then we're set! Well, we can be there at least, once the furniture is put together and in place (do NOT underestimate the torture-level of putting together [or taking apart for that matter!] IKEA furniture! Not to mention that taking apart The Brat's bed had me more sore than the gym the previous day!)

But all in all we're making progress and soon I am to have a home of my own again! Woohooo!

It will be good, no it will be great.

Pin-up Sexy Sunday (PuSS)

I will start a new theme this week and it will be running for a while. The theme is: Artists. Each week will be a different artist.

Last weeks winner was, not surprisingly, #3:

I liked it too.

The artist to start with will be one of my favourites (and one that I have used a lot already) and is one of the icons of the pin-up world:

Gil Elvgren

May i have an evening out Sir? -The subbie side of the story

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Warning:

Girlfriends known as Terror should not be reading this!!

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Yesterday I had a wine and cheese evening with my best friend. So, as I always do, i asked Sir if i may have an evening off to have a wine and cheese evening with my friend, and as He always do, He granted me it. We have an understanding; i always ask, and as long as there is no actual reason to deny the request it will be granted. "Actual reason" can of course be anything He wants it to be, but Sir would never deny it just because He can. In fact Sir encourages me to socialize (let's just say that my group of friends don't take up many fingers on a hand).

This time my leave came with a task attached. I was to wear a crock on my inner labia under my pants for as long as possible during the evening, aim was minimum 1 hour. I wasn't sure I'd manage an hour -turned out i managed 3½!! I think the wine helped a bit =P I even walked home with it still on (OK granted, not a very long walk at all).

The offending item
-and NO!
It's not a picture of it attached
to ma labia!
It's on my thumb for goodness sake!

When I came home I took after-pictures for Sir; apart from the satisfaction of knowing I am obeying and taking pain for Him I want Him to get pleasure from seeing it. He was pleasantly surprised since He hadn't asked for it, Sir was also very impressed with my performance of the task -we like that! Approval. I live for it!

All in all a very nice evening -even if I did go to sleep in pain! It was a good pain though, it was pain taken for Him (and OK, I am a painslut), anything I can give Him I will. My love, pain and submission. It's all His. Because I am.

Brutus has written a post about it too, you can find it here.

that's me

- feisty, cheeky, sparkly -and totally spankable!

*lol*

*click pic for animation*

PuSS

Pin-up Sexy Sunday

This week's theme: Umbrella

Last weeks winner:


I've been a bad Blogger. I've kept you out of the loop. I've clammed up and not let you in. I wish I could say it won't happen again, but I can't. I haven't told you about my last stay with Brutus. About the fun we had. The play we did. Or about the punishment. Nor about our last night together. A night that should have been filled not with stinking attitude and bad behaviour, but with cherish. This not even Brutus know about, not really. I'm ashamed of it. And I guess I've kind of shut Him out a bit too. Not willfully. I think I kind of shut myself out. I think I did leave you guys some nice tidbits though -like my first vaginal orgasm! In fact I had two! I never told you about the friction burns I sustained getting the second one, nor about me suddenly becoming a very innovative interior designer at the very same time! Lol There's loads I haven't told you about. But now i've at least told you what I haven't told you about lol Hopefully i'm back. However with the move and everything I may not be back entirely to normal quite yet, but at least i've reared my ugly head. LOL Till next time... *Ciao!*