My submissive journey: March 2012

7even

We're down to a week!
Seven days.
Seven days until i in person will
Serve & Service Sir
as His
subbie & slut.

Seven days till seven sins =P
(OK, not actually planning on committing all seven of them *lol* -just the kinky ones!)

7

Friday Fun

My day was...unproductive. But that's a different story.
This evening was something different though.

Sir and i "met up" on chat and we talked. We share a new fantasy, one that we are planning on realizing when we meet this time -now only a week away! (a loong week though :| )

From there i got the order to go get my clamps.
I said Yes Sir, of course, but maybe with a little less enthusiasm than apparent.
But got them i did.

Yup 2 of these

But they were not put here

nor there

not "anywhere"

but "there".

Yes, There!

Owwwwchy!

1 hurts, 2 Fuckin' hurts!

I told Sir i wasn't gonna make it for long - i've become such a pussy! Pardon the pun =P

I asked Sir to distract me. His reply: -sure do you want me to put more? :P

(Pffft!)

*lol* some distraction huh? More like winding me up :P

(Of course) He was kidding (-well that's what He said at least! ;) )

I told Him i don't think i can do this. Now Sir tried to distract me for real.

- i can't do this Sir.

- OK melinda are you sure then remove it.

-Give me a min

-Please

I took a min. It got easier, but for circulatory reasons i removed one.

It hurt. Like...a lot *lol*. And when Sir asked i told Him so.

His reply: mmmm hope you don't mind me liking that *laughing devil smiley*

He said that if i were there he'd massage me to help overcome the worst

perhaps get me in subspace.

(like red sofa session)

I told Him Yeah that seem pretty far off now!

- do you need to remove?

- need or want?

- need

- no Sir

(Just really fucking wanted to!)

Sir's next words melt me to my core:

- you are a good girl melinda

*very proud of subbie*

I wasn't managing so well anymore though, and although i was pushing to make it through i knew it wasn't an evening for pushing boundaries, just toeing up to them, so i told Sir i was moving towards needing.

- OK melinda you have control

-Try reaching needing point.

Now i know exactly what Sir meant by that, because i do have control. Playing LDR-style i need to have control. Only i can gauge my body, physically as in circulation and such, and also my reactions, since He can't see me. (We don't do video) [That don't mean i stop just because i feel like it though, that's my safety. I never remove without asking permission -and being granted it.]

But for some reason that sentence kinda freaked me out. Or, OK maybe not freaked out, but it didn't sit well with me. It felt off. I don't know why because it is as it is, like it's always been.

But i guess seeing those words you have control.... i dunno, it didn't feel right. So i told Him.

- i don't want control....that thought messes with my head :S

- ok i'm at need, question is how far in on that need Sir wants me to push

I think this surprised Sir a bit. My reaction, not the fact that i don't want to be the controlling party in our relationship, but at my almost panicky reaction of having control -or rather i think it might be panic at having to make the decision, to decide what was enough. More over, i guess, good enough (Yes, light bulb-moment). As Sir later pointed out; i can be pretty hard on myself.

- melinda do you want me to decide how much you need to hold

- OK I will take control again

- wait 2 mins

- 2 mins..... ok 2 mins.

(It turned out to more like 4mins -must be something wrong with Sir's watch *lol*)

He told me how much He loves me.

And after i'd removed it He asked if i was OK.

Which of course i was -am!

Then i had to go remind Him that tomorrow is day 7 on the countdown. 1 week till we'll be together!

But yeah, what does that usually mean?

Yes, ABSTINENCE.

I have till 10am (that is 8hrs from writing moment) to have as many orgasms as i like. Then it's a FULL STOP until Sir gives me one.

" Until Sir gives me one "

(Sounds so good! But it's a week! *sigh*)

It will be a long week!

Groovey Baby!

I feel like i'm losing touch with this blog. It's not for a lack of caring or even a case of writer's block -it's merely a case of lack of inspiration.

I've been back-tracking my blog and i'm realizing that i was actually really writing for a while there! If i dare say it myself, even decently well.
No profound, provocative or funny posts lately at all.

As happy as i am for "being better", i do miss the wordflow in my brain when i am less so. The fact that i'm really scatterbrained and unfocused at the moment don't help (yes, my own fault! That's what happens when you forget to take your meds several days *sigh*)

I've lost my groove and i want it back =(

8 days until i'm with Sir.

Until i will be Home.

Eight days.

Feels like an Infinity.

25/6 then 24/7

Waiting for my Huggy-Bear.
Not so quietly.

Ssssh melinda......soon.

This soon

Sometimes it's the little things you miss the most

I have 1,976 "likes" on my Tumblr

(pictures i've bookmarked)

How come it took me an hour to find one that was both appropriate and decent??

*LOL*

days.

Then i'm coming Home Sir

A Question to you

Haven't been no pin-ups for a few weeks. No one seems to have noticed really, and very few vote normally anyways.. So i ask you, do you want me to keep it? Or rather bring it back.

So,

Yay!

Nay!

1 by 1 the days go by...

(just not quite quick enough)

Legomania

Decipher the picture, what do you see?

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Awaken the dream

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.

/Robert Fritz

1 monkey, 2 monkeys, 3 monkeys, 4 monkeys

5 monkeys, 6 monkeys, 7 monkeys, 8 monkeys

9 monkeys, 10 monkeys, 11 monkeys, 12 Cheeky monkeys

12

~ That's the number of days left until Sir's and my reunion ~

A snug fit

I miss feeling You so close to me

I want to be Your little spoon -will You be my Big spoon Sir?

Thank God it's not Friday!

Last night Sir once more flew to the other side of the world. Wrong side, wrong time.
He'll be away for a week. It will be a tough week. We'll talk. Not as usual but we'll talk. It's not the same though. I miss Him even more when He's away. Even without the time difference. It's strange -i mean apart is apart right? Shouldn't matter where we are as long as times are the same, but for some reason it's not the same. And now there is a time difference -a big difference!
I miss Him already.

Thank god it's only 13 days until we'll be together. That's one day less than we'll be together.

in 2 weeks time we will be together again!

For 2 weeks.

I can barely contain myself!

Pixies, polemics, pouting and portraits

Add a sprinkle of

Pixie Dust

and you get

The Result

i managed to get Sir's

stamp

Do i get yours?

Submission, a state of hypnosis?

Sir and i was talking tonight, about lots of things, and we somehow came in on the subject of hypnosis. He asked me if i'd ever been interested in it. I answered honestly that i haven't really, then i added "i do think however that Dominance can have a very similar effect".

Now let's pause here. Many of you will know that i can't "work" posts, i write them as they come to me, and most often i figure things out this way. Not by pondering, but by my fingers moving over the keys to make words i didn't know i had in my head. Like answers to a question i have never thought about. Like this one. And i didn't think about an answer. My fingers wrote what my mind was thinking before i could hear it, so to speak. Does that make sense? Probably not....
Anyways that's how i work, and it's how i came to the conclusion of this conversation.

OK, to get back to the conversation.

For ease i will script that part:

Brutus: have you ever been interrested in hypnosis?
melinda: no Sir not really
i do think however that Dominance can have a very similar effect
Brutus: really
interresting
so you think it is a state of hypnosis
melinda: not as in a way i don't know i'm doing it
but as in the same kind of.....trigger
Brutus: explain that
melinda: in hypnosis you are put in an.... open-minded state...where you are open for suggestions and inclined to follow
i'd say submission is a bit the same under the right Dominance
(right/compatible)
Brutus: but with hypnosis you do things unconsciously
melinda: getting into that mindset can feel a bit like someone pushing a button---like when you "get lost" into hypnosis
i know that's what i said was the difference....but the state of mind of compliance is the same
Brutus: I never looked at it like that
melinda: like the other day...when i struggled to find my pain management
suddenly something turned the main switch, not even the trip
it's not like i wasn't submissive before...but that made it into something else
a bit like the snapping of the fingers in hypnosis
but in reverse i guess
Brutus: interesting
melinda: *shrugs*
i might be up in the clouds here i dunno
lol
it's what came into my head when you asked tho
Brutus: no it is how you experience it melinda
interesting any way
melinda: can't say i've really thought of it myself before
Brutus: so now you can
and write a post about it.

And here it is.

What do you think?
Would anyone agree with me, or is my head up in the clouds?

I know that when i feel i really need to remind myself of my submission -with or without pain- i often ask Sir if i can have a minute. Once granted i close my eyes and talk to myself. Tell myself 'i need to...', 'i should...', 'Sir.....', 'for Him...' etc etc.
Once i feel my head bow, my eyes soften, and yeah even my mind quieten, i know i've succeeded. For however long, sometimes just a few minutes, but then it's just to rinse & repeat.

Is that maybe some kind of self-hypnosis-like state?

So, any thoughts?

Endorsements

OK by now you should all know of the polemics this haircut has caused -hard to miss right?!

Well i finally let that one go, i now have a new favourite -which Sir has endorsed! So this is possibly my next haircut

Don't get as distracted by the slight flashing down to the left as Brutus did ;)

Unfortunately you don't get the 100% gorgeous factor she has

-oh well you can't get it all!

Wordplay

Saw this and just loved it, so i thought i'd post it here =)

*geek*

Who agrees?

Kicking up Dust

Albeit Fairy Dust.

Because i am Sir's little Tinkerbell after all!

Sir says i'm sweet.

I'm also feisty, with an attitude to match

I can be pretty good at pouting too!

So when you find yourself like this

(And no Sir -i am not humping the door handle!!)

then it's not too difficult to become like this

Me, having a temper?! What do you mean by that? Seriously you are so way off base!
Calling me hot tempered...i'll show you hot tempered.....
*mumbles*

{*lol*}

What does all this amount to?

Well, sometimes -just sometimes- it may end like this!

In the end though, i will always be His good little Pixie girl

some more huffing and pouting

Yeah i've done it again!
Dunno what's gotten into me lately!
*sigh*

Well, you already know i'm incapable of lying and that i am brutally honest, what you may not know is that i also go into great details about things.

I'm getting a haircut - waaaaaay overdue! Like 6 months overdue. I have no real rule about this apart from a few specifications: No major changes without checking with Him first and then there are a few no-no's like shaving my head in such (yeah, not gonna happen! Not completely anyways =P)
So, i coloured my hair today. It's black as usual. Sir asked how it looked like and He asked for a pic. I told Him about really needing a haircut and that i'm booking one next week, and asked i could wait with the picture till then (my hair really is HORRID just now!), He gave me permission to wait.

Now this is where the conversation should've ended!
But no not melinda.
melinda asks if there's something she's not allowed to do. With the hair having grown so much there is a wider scope for change than normal. So, OK, that was a valid question. But i didn't stop there either. We started googling for pictures. I even collected some and emailed them to Sir while we were looking at stuff. Bad, bad, bad idea!

It ended up with Sir not liking my favourite choice!

The cause of polemics

Did i take it laying down? Nah not quite.....

We got into polemics about it. Although i at several points said OK Sir, i can see i'm fighting a losing battle here.... OK then Sir.... i still kept coming back to it. I was in a real huff over having my favourite ruled out as ugly, or at the very least not nice. Now usually i might huff a bit in silence but let it go. This time i just couldn't, i kept questioning His decision -His opinion even! I guess i was disappointed. That is no excuse though -i shouldn't behave like that regardless.

Usually Sir don't notice how much of a huff i'm in, because i don't make it that transparent -and let's face it! Lack of body language is the second biggest disadvantage of being in a LDR.

Anyways, for some reason i didn't hold back this time. It got to the point that Sir even asked me if i was in a huff.

This is a bit how our conversation went:

B: are you in a huff?

m: yes {angel smiley}

B: I notice

m: sorry Sir

This is where i should've just let it go!

The continuation of that last comment is cheeky even for my standards.

Out of self-preservation i will not post it here =P

m:   (*curses herself for always being so specific in her questions*)

B: {Hug smiley}

m:   *huffs* {Hug smiley}

B:   {Big grin smiley} I will spank you melinda.

m:   i probably deserve it Sir, but at least i'm honest about it

B:   you deserve it if you continue sulking

m: ok, so to save my ass maybe we could change the subject? {Big grin smiley}

B: now that is clever

m: {nerd smiley}

He proceeded with asking if we should move on to discussing frames for glasses -luckily enough i already have them! =P

Then Sir did what He does best -He brings me back. *smiles*

B: {Kiss smiley}

come here melinda and give me a hug!!

m: {Hug smiley} *crawls into Sir's arms and purrs*
i'm sorry Sir.

B:   that is better
{Vice grip hug}

Now maybe some of you think Sir is soft for not punishing me for this. He's not. He does however know how His subbie works: she needs to be coaxed not forced (well, unless we are moving on to the subject of SEX =P).

We went back to chatting like normal for a little while, but it was coming up for 1am so we soon said good night. And i apologized, again, for being childish and huffing and pouting.

m: sleep tight Sir
and Sir?

B: ty and you melinda
yes

m:   i'm sorry fur huffing
just got disappointed {embarrassed smiley}

B:   silly girl

Then we said I love you, in unison (we do that a lot! Say the same thins at he same time) and good night.
I have the evening off tomorrow for a girls night of Breaking Dawn and cheese and wine *grins*
I'll miss Brutus -Sir i love You!

And i'm sorry for being so childish as of late -i dunno what's gotten into me!

I know You will already have moved on and forgotten about it Sir,

I just want You to know i am sorry and will try harder.

So, why were you not punished?

I know that question are running through some of your minds, so i thought i'd try to address it. Although i can only do so from my POV and from what i think, an actual answer can only come from Sir Himself.

So....why weren't i punished?

I mean, i had a stinking attitude! I was unwilling and sulky. I was in a completely wrong mindset.
BUT, i didn't argue (it does happen i argue my case -but i don't argue with Him), i didn't refuse, i didn't challenge Him. I complied. Huffingly so yes, but i did comply.
And with time -and pain!- the attitude petered out, it softened, i no longer just complied, i did so with purpose and i put in the effort -there were times when i really struggled! But i hung in there. I did my best.
It took a while to get to the right place but i got there. And never once did i (openly) challenge Him on it.
I did what He asked even though i really didn't want to -because i couldn't imagine not doing so!

Had Sir punished me the instant my attitude was "a bit off" we'd never have gotten there. It would have served no real purpose but for Him to puff His chest up and make a display of His Dominance, of the power He wields. We both know He holds the power, there's no need for a show. Which is exactly why i complied -i didn't have the power not to. Because i have given that up. To Him.

He did show His Dominance, only without the show.
His Dominance showed through strongly just by Him being Him, by the fact that i wanted to comply even though i didn't want to do what He asked of me. His Dominance lie in who He is, not the threat of repercussions. Sure, everything has consequences, or cause & effect. In this case cause & effect got me in a deeply submissive state where i wanted nothing more than to be His, for Him, not for me.

A punishment at that point would have done nothing more than to aggravate the situation further, making it into a struggle -when there's nothing to struggle about. I don't want the power struggle, simply because i do not want the Power.
And we both know it i think.
Sometimes i just need time to "come around".

Sometimes patience is a true virtue....

(Luckily Sir has the patience of a Saint at times <3)

From sulking brat to humble submissive

Sir and i had a very good night last nite. But it didn't start so well. I was feeling unwell again, and quite frankly feeling a bit sorry for myself, so when Sir told me to get the crocks out i got into a bit of an huff. That's a lie -i huffed pretty damned hard! Let's say that the "Yes Sir" response did not come with a smile on the lips. It was more of a

!!! -kind of attitude.

Yes i might as well have stomped my feet, stuck my tongue out, crossed my arms and dug my heels in the floor.

To say my attitude stank is an understatement indeed.

I did as i was told but it was done with short and concise "Yes Sir"... "Yes Sir"...."OK Sir" (more meaning "Fine!").

But the crocks came out, they were applied and i said with gritted teeth that they were on but i didn't know how long i'd be able to keep it on, i was struggling.

*LOL* turnd out to be ...hmmm what could it be Sir? Hour and a half? But dang it was not fun after removing them it was a definite Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck for a good 10mins afterwards. But i felt much better. I felt happier, lighter, and much more humble, so..... so His.

Sometimes it's the struggling that makes it better. Struggling, pushing through and coming out on the other side again.

More humble. Lighter. Happier. Owned. His. Completely.

Remember these from back in the day?
~ Nostalgia ~

It's never ending!!

It's 2 steps forward 3 steps back -constantly!

Thought i was getting better now i feel feverish again =(

I just want to get well and go to the bleeding gym!
I want the flat to be done!
I want....
I want....
I want a lot of things.

This is not the time for them apparently *sigh*

Sorry just spewing gall and moaning -just ignore me.... I'm trying to! *LOL*