My submissive journey: 2013

Quickie

On my way to bed so this will be a really quick one (sorry to disappoint your dirty minds! No such luck!).

Tomorrow i sit my first exam. Programming. i don't have a habit of being nervous but have to admit i am a bit. My studies have not been the best organized. i may have gotten top grades on everything -it's just i dunno how i've worked it!!

Well, around 2pm tomorrow my time (UCT+1) maybe you could send me some good vibes?

iD Programming Academy - Advanced Programming for the Java AP Exam

WISH ME LUCK -I'M GONNA NEED IT!

Hiya!

Miss me?

Sorry i've been MIA again! As Sir wrote in his blog yesterday i am drowning in school work. Still am, so yes this post might effectively be a tiny bit of a procrastination technique -a good and well needed one though!
I can proudly announce that so far i have gotten top marks on every single assignment (14 of them, first 2 were just activation assignments though where you presented yourself and such). But yeah kinda proud of that, especially since i haven't even got a clue how i solved the last 3 programming assignments! o.O But i did, so i must know something at least! *lol*
Final exams are next weekend and i'm feeling just a teenyweeny bit pressured. So what do i do? Instead of doing all that cramming i've scheduled in, i do...other stuff. It's been really nice weather though, which i've mostly missed out on due to studying, i might actually take my book out and sit in the sun with it. The stuff i need the computer for i can do later.

So that's it, for the RL part. So how about me and Brutus?
Well, i'd say that in general we have improved a lot (not that i let that show last night in any way. Sorry Sir!).
Last time we were together i really tried to be submissive. I find it very difficult to mix Vanilla and D/s though, so the vanilla time of our travels were mostly that i'd say. Once back home though i really really tried. I think more than Sir even realized, or noticed. We did pretty well though i have to say. If it was simply for the fact that i wasn't being a bitch like the previous two times, or if it was due to more than that i am unsure of. However i really felt a need to be Dominated and an urge to be submissive. I wouldn't say i got quite to the point where i want to be but it was a vast improvement from later times.
Now there are big changes on the horizon once again, ones i know will set our dynamic to the test for sure! Like trips to IKEA and such = P (that includes more than a bit of browsing and getting a thing or two).

Yeah IKEA and my studies will be my downfall for sure *lol*.
Although by the time i see Sir next time these two modules will be finished and i'll be on a break (*knocks on wood and prays that there will be no unwanted interference by certain authorities*)

Then when i return part two of the programming will start! *gulp* This has made me realize one thing: i really need to do some math! My math "skills" don't even reach high school standards *blush*, and the math is getting ever more complicated : / The computer tech will be all done and dusted (which is the other module i am doing right now), and the new one will be Webdevelopment = D

OK, enough rambling and procrastination from my side now i guess!

But hmm... should eat something.......

*winks*

I'm IN!

Yay i got in!!

Yep, March 18th i get my geek-hat on and start to study to become a Programmer *grins*

And today i was on a seminar that Adobe held here in Stockholm, about Adobe Creative Cloud -was soooo kewl! Just to sound a bit extra geeky =P

But then again...

Revolution

or rather much needed EVOLUTION!

I think most of you have seen my link to the very good site for submissives called Submissive Guide that i have at the bottom of the blog. Yes? Well now there's a newcomer - Dominant Guide!
Finally! That's my take on it! I just hope it will become as widespread and acknowledged as SG is.
Please go and check it out -even if you are a submissive! I think just as submissive guide can be helpful to Dominants, this can be to submissives too -it never hurts seeing a coin from all sides!

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Tuesday, Feb 26th, 2013

Be careful about what you say today because your current words inspire others to action -- even if that isn't your original intention. Ironically, you don't know how to convince anyone to join in your cause, mostly because you are so emotionally involved with the outcome that it's tough to be objective. Step back and give everyone a bit of breathing room. Then reassess your tactics before climbing back onto your soapbox and starting in on the same message again.

Where's that gag?! Oh yeah, it's at Sir's place, dang!

Sunday, February 17, 2013 - You're extremely rational today when it comes to your feelings, leading you to remain rather restrained. Ironically, you have the ability to objectively analyze your emotions now without necessarily being overwhelmed by them. A healthy dose of conscious detachment empowers you to tackle a serious issue in a positive manner. Don't waste the day with one distraction after another. Just figure out where you can make the most progress and dig in.

You guys hear that? I'm r a t i o n a l today -no, not just that i'm EXTREMELY rational even! Not bad.

*lol*

Tip Top

Kiwi's post Tips for Tops from a bottom's "very recently punished" pov has created a bit of a stir. Although she is the inspiration for this post this post is by no means about her and her situation specifically.

The post is a bit like a list of Do's & Don't's for Doms. These are things i have always taken for granted. If they were not in place i would not be in a D/s relationship with that person. But that is me personally.

Kiwi wrote: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her despite knowing the thrashing is not as hard as she can usually take…her pain tolerance right then may just be a little lower for a reason. Maybe she has learned her lesson quickly for a change."

Pain is a complicated thing. We're affected by many things both before, after and during.
Before being the case of how we already feel emotionally just before hand. Maybe we're stressed, sad, angry, hurt or wound up. I know that for me, being any of those before hand can make me lash out at Sir. It usually calms though, and actually more often than not the end result is a calmer melinda. But i think as a Top you have to be prepared to take that without seeing it as the sub being bratty -it's an emotional and physiological response to the pain administered and the feelings that were already present before hand are often reinforced.
My tip: Give it a little while. Be mindful of what you say and do -try not to trigger your sub further by reacting to her lashing out! Instead be calm and keep your cool & wits about you. Observe.

Next point i want to make from that section is that pain tolerance shifts. Our hormones have a great effect on them for instance, so where she is in her menstrual cycle can make a real difference. I know i have one point in my cycle where i tend to move more towards being a painslut, and then another where i wanna scream just by the sight of a clamp. So my next tip is: Keep this in mind. And that tip goes for both Tops & bottoms! I know i can be very hard on myself for not being able to do something that i would usually not only enjoy but even thrive on, but right then it just isn't possible. Be honest! Both with yourself and your Top.
And of course then comes the BIG one: "If your bottom is sobbing her heart out begging you to stop, listen to her..." I have two takes on this. 1) A stop is a stop and there are no two ways about it! It means STOP!
The second take comes in because some people have different types of scenes and different types of responses. For instance someone into rape play wouldn't really be able to do that if stop actually meant stop.
If you know each other well enough you probably know the difference between the different "stops". The other alternative is having a safeword. We all know what that is by now, yes?
Personally i wouldn't say we use stop words as such. If i say stop, Brutus stops. End of. Usually though i say Pause. This means i need a moment to collect myself, it's becoming overwhelming and i need to catch up. It can also mean that i can't take no more of that particular activity, but not that i want to stop a scene completely.

A common way to use safewords is using the traffic light system:

Red = STOP (for many Tops this would mean the end of the scene altogether)

Yellow = Slow down / Pause

Green = Go (can even mean "i like it, i want more")

The most important thing to think about here is to check in with the sub!
Ask questions.

Are you OK?

Have you had enough?

Do you need a minute?

These questions are also good to check if the sub has gone far into sub space. If she's way into it the response may be nonsensical or you might not get any answers at all. You may even get a giggle fit or a growl in response! In this case the Top needs to make a judgement call; is she OK to continue? Being in space does by no means automatically mean the scene needs to stop. It just means that the Dom needs to be even more careful and take even more responsibilty for the sub's safety, because she isn't really able to herself at that time.
Is she lucid though i urge you to take her word for it! Being doubted doesn't have a good effect either -that i can tell you from personal experience.

I won't incorporate how to take care of someone after (and during) sub space as it will end up too much for the one post here.

So, basically, to try to get back on track, it should never be about the amount of pain inflicted, but abut the response to it!
It's the effect and the response that is significant, not how hard it measures.

Just a quick jump back to the safe words, since she also wrote "Let your bottom have a “safe-word” if its ill-used then you can always punish for that. But trust your bottom to use the privilege of a safe word correctly."

Just like many mentioned in the comments, this is not a privilege it's a right! Some people choose to waive that right, this is called Consensual Non-Consent (CNC). People that see themselves as slaves tend to do this. This doesn't mean that your personal responsibility for your own health and safety is waived though!

Daisychain left this in her (first) comment: "Safeword absolutely ESSENTIAL, and even if "misused" it must still be honoured by the top. Every time. Otherwise it is abuse, not ttwd."

Firstly, i totally agree. At least so far as to the fact that safewords must ALWAYS be honoured. Always. As i said not everyone uses them, but i think everyone should have something that indicates their status in an ongoing scene.

When it comes to them being "misused" it gets a bit complicated. First i thought can a safeword be misused? I came to the conclusion that they actually can.

A safeword is not meant to be used as a remote control -it's an emergency break. It's not there to control the scene, it's there to control the safety of the scene. Huge difference!

An anonymous commenter wrote "I completely agree, Anonymous. Kiwigirliegirl, I hope you understand that a top cannot, under ANY circumstances, do anything to a bottom without the bottom's consent. A safeword is a right, not a privilege, and there's no such thing as misusing it. If you want something to stop, it has to stop."

Only thing i disagree with there is the there's no such thing as misusing a safeword, as already said i believe you can. What you have to question then is What does a sub actually gain from misusing her safeword? The answer is: nothing. She loses. The Top loses out. And there's a power shift. So she has everything to lose by misusing it.

But that is MISuseing it -NOT by using it. In fact, using it should invoke trust from the Dom. The Top can then relax a little more feeling secure in the knowledge that by having a safeword, that is used with its intended purpose in mind, there is a much lesser chance of something going too far.

Having a safeword (or something like it) has many advantages, even more than the primary reason for them which is safety.

I think they hold a strong psychological power to them. Now power is always a dangerous word to use when speaking of subs, it's so easy to mistake it for meaning the sub having power. It's not. What i mean is that the power (effect) of a safeword can make the sub feel more secure and safe. Not only physically but also emotionally. If we feel safer and more secure we can in return trust more. When we trust more we can often actually take more. Which should be satisfying for almost any Dom.

Being on edge because we're unsure of the Top or the implement being used makes it more difficult to focus on managing the pain. Not being able to manage the pain means a feeling of panic. And the more panic we feel the less control (of the pain and our response to it) we have. It starts a downward spiral. If this spiral goes far enough the sub can crash, emotionally and mentally.

Fear is only good in one way, and it's the type that gives us a rush of adrenaline that we like. This type of play is common in BDSM, for example in knife- and rape play. Plain fear is nothing but harmful (at least in this context). If we fear an implement it should be introduced slowly, "nicely". A sub should never fear her Dom. Never! There is a huge difference in fearing an activity and fearing your Dom. And trust is absolutely necessary. Of course, trust is built up over time. This is why D/s relationships evolve so much, the more we trust, the more we dare. Remember though; trust is something that is earned! And given. Trust cannot be forced or taken. It's a process. This is even if we already know and love a person. Trusting someone in everyday Vanilla-life is not the same as trusting someone with an implement or to take charge of our lives.

And i think i will leave it at that -it became a HUGE post as it is o.O

Ramblings of mixed kind

I had a bit to write about earlier, dunno how much is left of it though -in my head that is. Sorry if this gets messy.

Life has truly sucked lately. MEGA-sucked.

Sir and i are where we are, and even though we're moving along and making progress it takes it's toll. For awhile there it seemed like all we did was argue and fight. Quite often at the same time as i was doing the same with TB -which obviously resulted in that i got double up and in turn so did they!

Add to that the fact that TB has been.... let's put it like this; she and i are usually like cat and mouse, lately it's been taken to new levels.
Then i find out why she's been like exchanged over the past couple weeks; it seems she's bullied/teased at school

On top of all this i haven't eaten any meds since before xmas and i'm kinda being... Au Naturale at the moment. (Please don't....)
Sir is starting to find out what melinda-au-naturale is....

Let's just say that his hair-trigger state is my default...

It's tiring. I'm tired. So so tired.

And can feel i'm starting to thread quicksand. I know what that means. Really i do. But even though i am all wound up and trigger happy, i am also calmer (i know, i hear the contradiction there) and less panicky. I don't see red and i'm not half as aggressive as i normally am. Because i'm heavy. And as heavy as it is it is also nice to not go loopy every five seconds.
I know i need to do something about it. And i will. In time.
Right now the most pressing matter is dealing with TB and her school matters. She loves school normally.

Home is chaos. I'm chaos. But too tired to deal with it. On top of it there's all these musts. Must this and do that and then this and then that. And then she needs this and Sir needs that and the next one another.... And *sigh*...

Oh yes, this is a D/s blog, maybe i should write something about that *eye roll*

Sir is trying hard and i know it. And i know i'm challenging him a lot -and not in the good way. I know that is bad, at the same time this is me...maybe it's just as well he finds it out so he knows it for real.

Yesterday i got 10 mins corner time for not doing my dishes i had as a task. I was to stand in a corner facing the wall, naked, for ten minutes. Now i don't have any free corners in my living room (so yes, i questioned it! Shush.), so i was told to stand as close as possible and that would be fine (Thank you Sir would've been a bitch to rearrange the whole living room for ten minutes sake! *lol*).
During these 10 minutes i was to think about our D/s relation. I did.
What did i think about then? To be honest i'm not entirely sure.
I know i had the thought that maybe i am the wrong type of submissive for Sir, if we're to be crass. He never seems to have had any troubles with previous ones. If my memory serves me right they were all mainly humiliation-oriented. I'm very much the opposite (it's actually a hard limit for me). And i'm not meaning it's the humiliation itself that's the solution, more that it's something...practical. It's DOING, and Sir is very good at the doing stuff.
I on the other hand is much more abstract. I am much more about the f e e l i n g. I work very much instinctively and intuitively.
Like Sir the other day couldn't understand how i can be so good at pointing out what he does wrong, but not be able to tell him when he's changed something for the right. I completely understand his frustration in this btw! It's just that for me, i don't sit and think over and look at what's wrong...i just know that something isn't right. I'm feeling it. I know i'm not feeling what i want to feel, and i know i'm not responding to him like i want to respond.
Then he changes something. Most often i'm not even aware of what it is, i do however feel different, and if i feel different i respond different. So i told him; "but you must notice when something is working?" He wants me to tell him (Understandably so, i just don't know if i can. Note can, not won't!)

And this is one of our biggest differences i think. The fact is that i don't know what is working (or maybe even changing), i just know that my response is different. And my response is different because i feel different. It's not even something i think and do, it's a crude case of cause & effect.
So just like i don't think about "wrongs" i don't think about the "rights". And i don't mean by choice, which i realize it may sound like, it's just that my brain don't work that way. Just like i don't sit and think about what to write; i just start and what ends up on the "paper" just ends up there as i go along. That's how my thoughts work. They are "just there", and this is why i often don't even know my own thoughts until i am actually typing them.
It's not thoughts that end up in typing, it's more typing that ends up in thoughts, if that makes any sense whatsoever? Probably not.

OK so back to the other submissives (cos i know i'm gonna be nit-picked about this one)....
It's not that i think that Sir doesn't want me. Or even a submissive like me (because i know he wants me), i'm referring to it more being his style. His natural style. I'm not. Which obviously causes challenges. And that without even counting for all the other challenges i pose!
One thing to compare could be that i am sure none of his other subs has ever "argued" like i do (i'll come back to the definition of argue later). They have probably never been as honest as i am either.
I know that when Sir asks or tells me something the correct reply is for the most just a simple "Yes Sir". And i could do that (who am i kidding?! OK, in theory i could do that) but i have always been honest. Let's look at it for a minute. First you have to remember that we are mostly behind a computer screen (a non-animated non-personal one i want to add), so if i say "Yes Sir" and nothing more that is all he will see and know. Now had i been there in person and i had said "Yes Sir" but not been happy about it He would notice (hopefully). Hence, i do in words what normally my body language would tell him. This is where the "arguing" comes in. In general it's not arguing, it's letting him know exactly how i think and feel about something. It doesn't only have it's downsides. If you really look at it you can also see that if i never did this, he would never know i do stuff even when i don't want to, when i don't feel like it, and even when i think he's an arse for even suggesting something (Yes that happens! Sorry Sir...but it's me we're talking about here). Thing is though-, i've never (in the end) refused him anything! And doing something you really don't feel like or even agree with can say a lot more about your submission, than just doing it with a nice simple submissive "Yes Sir" would do. But yes, it's under the surface. At the surface i can understand it can look argumentative or bratty. And yes, admittedly sometimes maybe i do try to change his mind with my whining about it (i would say that the stats of me t r u l y wanting it at the end of the day though is about 1/1000000). I'm simply honest about how i feel about it. Now if he don't actually want to hear it, "all" he has to do is tell me to shut up. I think he's coming to realize this.
That it's not about bratting and it's not about changing his mind really, but about me just always saying what i think -yes i know, it costs me a lot in life! But it has it's advantages too.
This morning he told me how he'd been at the post office, and while standing idle waiting for his turn he'd thought how much he appreciates my honesty. Now, i'm sure it's not this side of the honesty he referred to, but it's two sides to the same coin. I am always honest -sure i tell an odd white lie just like everyone else, but i don't withhold information about my feelings just because they are not what's meant to be said.
So maybe you could say that,at the end of the day, my "arguing"/talking back, tells as much about my submission as it does my lack of it?

Rambling much? Yep! Sorry about that. But hey, it's me....

Pretty sure this is more or less how my brain would look like on an X-Ray!

A Post That Caught my Eye

I suggest you go read it!

Thianna D's Kinky Blog: Rituals - Building Love and Peace: Yesterday I went to a Munch about an hour away and the discussion was about Rituals - those things that help remind you who you are and wha...

i'm supposed to blog

Yeah.... i guess you read Sir's blog? Well, i know some of you did anyways.

That's where we're at.

my life recently

Today has been one of them days where i wish i could go lie in a corner and waste away into nothing. It's sucked from the moment i opened my eyes. Or that's not quite true, the evening has been surprisingly good.
Today has had nothing to do with Sir and me though -it's been all about TB. And losing the headset to my less than a week old new phone. And then CBT group (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) -which was actually surprisingly good considering how i felt today!

But that's not really what i'm supposed to blog about i guess.

Thing is....when it comes to Sir and i, i don't really know what to say.

We've been in a shit place.
I've acted horrendously. He's been an idiot (sorry Sir). And round the merry-go-round we go...

I think we might be getting somewhere though, although i barely dare say it (i know how i jinx myself!).

I must say i am very happy Sir's started blogging again though! And it feels like we are slowly coming to be on the same page. Whereas for quite some time it's felt like we've been on different chapters, or even reading different books. At least different.

It's a start.

A good start even.

Whisperings in the air

Just thought i'd send out a little whisper that Sir has started blogging again.... i know some of you follow him as well.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Sunday, Jan 27th, 2013

Your emotions and logic might be engaged in an internal struggle now, yet this dance between the heart and the head can be quite constructive. It is very simple; you need to practice holding two positions simultaneously. Take the leap by acknowledging that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you and that there's no immediate solution to your divergent needs. Once you reframe your world, the pressure to act one way or the other is alleviated. Your current confusion is a spiritual gift as long as you don't try to make sense of it yet.

Grrr...i hate waiting!

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Saturday, Jan 26th, 2013

Your tendency is to constrain the waves of emotional intensity today because you fear what might happen if you tell the whole truth. You may be overly concerned about losing face as the dramatic Leo Full Moon lights up your 10th House of Status. Unfortunately, practicing too much self-control can lead to frustration. Keep the pressures of your life in perspective by replacing negative blame with positive solutions. Be as honest as possible and you'll be fine.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

Saturday, Jan 26th, 2013

You may be clinging to unexpressed feelings today as if they are irreplaceable treasures. However, today's Leo Full Moon brightens your 2nd House of Values, suggesting you might need to share what's bothering you in order to raise your self-esteem. When emotional intensity pressurizes your subconscious, it will release one way or another. Instead of waiting for something scary to happen, taking a proactive approach alleviates the tension and disperses unnecessary doubt.

I know a lot of ppl find these bullshit, and generally i just find them fun, but i tell you these ones are so damned scary close to reality it's unreal!
Sir and i are in a weird place right now. I don't really wanna go into detail here, i don't think Sir would like that, but a lot is going on.
If i'm not writing here it's mostly for that reason; i don't really know what to say about it.

If you want to know about other aspects of my life, like training and such, you can follow my other blog:

click picture to go to blog

that is now up and running again! And so am i for that matter! Had meeting with personal trainer yesterday and started VLCD today. Heading out for a long walk with the dog in a bit (just need to down one of those not no tasty shakes first *lol*).

See you soon i hope!

Up and Running again!

More or less literally!

http://melindagetsfit.wordpress.com/

It's time to get back to this => again!

Sunday, January 20, 2013 - You might think that someone is being stubborn today just to annoy you. It feels as if everyone knows which buttons to push in order to agitate you. However, keep in mind that it's not about anyone else; the only thing that's important now is how you react. You can be more in control of your own fate as long as you practice a little self-control. Turn the tables by demonstrating your willingness to establish common ground.

This will be the mission of the day!

Yep, i'm Tweety

It's time to start something new! Read your New Moon in Capricorn Horoscope and see why the things you start now will stick.

General Daily Horoscope Influences

We may grow weary of the high-strung mental energy that has us feeling on edge. Communicator Mercury forms disquieting aspects with judgmental Jupiter, stern Saturn and reckless Uranus, turning simple discussions into complicated battles for intellectual dominance. Fortunately, the Moon shifts into compassionate Pisces at 5:49 am EST to soften an otherwise anxious planetary landscape. Meanwhile, a Venus-Jupiter quincunx tempts us to overindulge.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Monday, Jan 14th, 2013

You may create more stress by trying to resolve the conflict between your current desires and a more logical approach to your needs. Thankfully, the tension should begin to settle down today without any specific action on your part. There are subtle shifts in the present circumstances now that can give you a glimpse of the smoother sailing ahead. But don't needlessly rock the boat; just stay on course until the discord dissipates.

No shit you don't say! *sigh*

Discussions, why are they so difficult, even when they are necessary for the good?

And the more specific love horoscope what does it have to say?

A love life dilemma could cause a rift between your logic and your emotions today. Don't take any action just yet: Circumstances are still evolving right now.

I think the New Moon in Capricorn Horoscope mentioned above forgot who it was talking about though!

It says: "Getting facts straight with additional study and research could be a key to success now. This organized Capricorn New Moon lands in your 3rd House of Information and Communication. Being authoritative when you speak comes from careful preparation. Important conversations will work best when you think about what you're going to say in advance and listen attentively to others."

Yeah that so isn't me! *my downfalls*

I was gonna write a bit about the conversation that stemmed from my last post, but i realize many don't bother reading these ones so i will make it into a separate one later.

Now i have to get ready for my course (i couldn't coerce Sir into letting me stay home today *pouts*)!

Firstly i wanna apologize for being such a bad blogger -and blogger friend! I suck, i know!

I'm sorry.

It's very much how i am all round, on/off, hot/cold, up/down -it can turn a lot, and quickly or it can be drawn out. It's very much how i am in life with everything.

I'm intense in everything i do, even the withdrawing (albeit that is a bit of a contradiction).

Let's just say that i am an all or nothing kinda gal, there are no in between's with me, not even if i want them.

It's been quite stormy here for a while (no i'm not talking of the weather, albeit it was very windy this morning! Made it feel like a snow storm with all the snow blowing of the roofs *unpleasant*).

So what's been going on? Oh you know just the usual; finances in ruins (i mean like old medieval ruins in dust :/), meds being messed up back and forth (right now i have been off meds for a few weeks...), a family life in constant chaos and there's been Sir and i that have been just about as much up and down as the rest of my life. That part is more difficult to disregard though, and also more difficult to "work with", if you get what i mean. It's complicated. Sometimes a lot more complicated than it needs to be it seems.

The most difficult part is when all the different chaotic parts of life collide with eachother -doesn't help when chaos meets chaos, it creates further chaos and disorder and disruption.

And when one issue causes another issue, that needs to be dealt with but can't because of the underlying original issue then it just becomes pancake.

... I was trying to give you an example here but it all gets so messy and complicated, but i'll try...

I need firm Dominance. Sir isn't really the firm/strict type. When he tries to be i fight back and throw curve balls and weedle myself out of stuff. It throws him off, he drops (or lets go of) the ball, and then i react to that instead. I don't mean to do that. And in the long term i certainly don't want to "win". Even if i might at times be satisfied i managed right then and there.

We talk about these things. We decide to step up the game. Nothing happens. Sometimes it even leads to the opposite where the D/s almost disappear instead. This fucks with my head and i become an even bigger bitch. Which deflates Sir more. And in the spiral we are.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying we're in a bad place! We're not in trouble or anything like that! Even if we have rocky patches like everyone else.

I know a lot of my readers (if i still have any) have DD relationships and i realize that it is different so maybe it's hard for anyone to answer, but has anyone else found that love made their D/s relationship more difficult and complicated?

I want to clarify why i think DD and other D/s relationships differ slightly, and that is that for most in DD love was the foundation for the relationship to start with. With that i mean that most people were already a couple in a relationship that they then decided to modify.

Whereas often in a D/s relationship you have gone out looking for the D/s and there found your partner, so it's kinda the other way around from how you start DD.

Does that make any sense?

Like Sir and i, we didn't meet, fall in love and become Dom and sub. We looked for a D/s partner (partner being a loose term in this case, maybe counterpart is a better word?), became Dom and sub, and later that turned into something more.

Looking back i have started to see that that point of "more" is when everything got confusing. That's when everything changed.

Not saying it's a bad change, but it's a change that can throw everything off. And with us i think it has. At least it has me. But i think also Sir. I think Sir's needs changed with that. Or at least his outlook.Whereas mine hasn't really. But they have changed by proxy. Which i think is a dilemma too. We have ended up on different levels. Trying to accommodate each other becomes more difficult then. Even if we both try. Neither of us are good at "faking". And with faking i mean acting in a way we're not really feeling at the time. Which is where we start spiralling; I don't feel submissive. I start acting out. I need him to cut me off. He don't feel very Dominant. My acting out makes him feel less so instead of more, so instead of coming down like a ton of bricks, he gets discouraged. I get frustrated and pissy and unruly. He becomes frustrated... and so it goes on. Until something else happens that breaks the cycle (that could be something good or bad).

I told you guys about the punishment i had last time i went to see Sir, right? That's what i need. More. And swifter. Ignoring that kinda behaviour doesn't work on me. I only get worse. And no, i'm not being deliberately bratty to get what i want, i get bratty because i am by nature and i need help to stop it in time (at a reasonable level).

Sir was here over New Years. I was not so good. He did nothing. I got worse. I got out of hand.

His words saying i wasn't being so nice to him cut, i still hear them ringing in my ears. And it makes me sad. But they don't break the spiral inside of me, the spiral that is like a mechanical spinning toy, once it's started there's not a button to switch it off! It has to be broken (the action not the toy!).

While the punishment last time was something awful it's one of the best things that has happened in our relationship, and is something i need us to keep up.

Although i'm not one to rely on punishments for my behaviour i do need the structure of it (even if it don't have to lead to punishment it has to hold that dynamic) I certainly need the behavioural aspect of it.

- Call it behavioural therapy *lol*

Sir you can be my permanent cognitive behaviour therapist!

I've been confused for a long time about something but it's not until right this second that i've had words to it!

And that is;

does Sir want a girlfriend that is also his subbie, or a subbie that is also his girlfriend?

To me, there's a huge difference. HUGE difference. And i'm realizing that for him maybe there isn't? For me, i'm the latter. That's what i want to be. How i want it to be. In proportion i would say at least a 60:40 ratio. Because i'm coming to realize more and more, that the less sub i am, the worse girlfriend i become. And i even think that is a pretty minimal ratio to be honest.

I'd say as it stands the ratio is backwards.

And like i said in the beginning of this (probably very rambly) post; i don't do things by halves or in moderation. I am an all in kinda girl. I can't be a good subbie in low numbers, because it's not subbie enough. I can't be a 100% good at being 40% subbie.

That probably doesn't make sense does it?

I'm referring to the ratio above. With that ratio i can't be a good subbie or girlfriend. The numbers are just simply too low. Give me high numbers and i'll put them back out. The numbers i mean. I'm high-grade and high-maintenance, that i have always stated.

But i think putting in more in the short run, will actually save some effort in the long run. Or rather a helluva lot of effort in the long run.

But i know there are other factors too.

Life is complicated. Certain parts of life are more complicated than others. And certain parts again makes life more complicated to mesh with other's....

Sir and i mesh, we do, in some weird, odd way we really do.... But i do think we are kinda out of sync, but that, that is technical and can be resolved. Problem is finding a common synchronization point.

*LOL* didn't that just get very technical? *lol*

Speaking of technical i have applied to a college course to become a computer programmer!

The course consistes of 8 modules that will be read 2 at a time:

Computer 1a
Goes through the computer system structure, components and peripherals. You develop include the ability to install and configure application software, networks and printers, as well as learn the procedures for protecting information.

Programming 1
Is an introductory course in programming. You get basic theoretical and practical knowledge of programming. You will also learn the basics of systems design and structuring techniques and knowledge of the interaction between applications, runtime environment, operating system and hardware. To get the maximum benefit from the course, you should have good computer skills.

Web Development 1
This course provides basic knowledge on technical aspects of various media formats and interaction between clients, users, designers and developers. You practice your ability to build websites and web applications according to standards and guidelines for good practice, and with good accessibility for people with different conditions. You get knowledge of application architecture and separation of different types of logic.

Programming 2
Programming 2, based on the Programming 1, gives knowledge of interfaces with users, files, file systems, operating systems, databases and Internet. You will also learn object-oriented programming in theory and practice.

Web Development 2
The course builds on Web Development 1 and deepen your knowledge of the topic. You are given the opportunity to develop products that comply with standards and national / international codes of practice, usability, accessibility and security. You also develop knowledge of relevant laws and regulations, the ability to do web-related ethical considerations.

Digital creation 1
The course provides knowledge to design and develop ideas through the use of digital tools. You get knowledge of the technical equipment, structure, function, limitations and opportunities. One goal is to provide an understanding of how sound works as a means of expression in digital environments.

Web Server Programming 1
This course gives you the ability to plan, implement, document and evaluate the development of websites and web applications or other types of applications based on web technologies. You will learn about character encoding and the ability to handle different standards for character encoding, as well as the safety and ability to identify and thwart attacks.

Multimedia System
This course provides advanced knowledge of computers, computer and communication systems and different types of network structure and function. You will learn how to plan and perform work in computers and given the skills to perform optimization, fix errors, and administration and diagnosis of computer and communication systems.

What you guys think? Sound like me? You think you can survive it? *lol*

Anyways, so far i've only applied, there's a bunch of stuff to sort out first but it would be fun i think =)

And it would be studied remotely (ie out of classroom) which gives me great freedom to travel to see Sir =)

Keep your fingers crossed for me?

Reminds me of my horoscope for today, it says:

Friday, January 11, 2013 - It may feel as if the resistance you are encountering originates from the current circumstances in your external world. However, the Capricorn New Moon occurs in your 3rd House of Communication, indicating that your immediate environment is a reflection of you. The good news is that your destiny is in your own hands; whatever conflict you have created, you can remedy with a real commitment on your part. Be brave and start talking about tough issues to get the ball rolling.

Now that's something to keep in mind!

I will certainly try.

Destiny in my own hands ~ Conflict i created ~ i created ~ Commitment ~ Be brave ~ Start talking

I hope you've had some fantastic holidays & that your coming year will be a wonderful and rich one!

Eh....hi? and bye...

Yeah, it's been a while, i know. Sorry 'bout that.
I hope you've all had a fantastic holiday and that you got to finish off 2012 exactly as you wanted to. My New Years' was spent at home with Sir and TB =)

Of course i was the impeccable model of a perfect submissive!

OK, so maybe not.
In fact, not at all! Actually i'm pretty ashamed of my behaviour over the week that Sir stayed here. By some miracle we still managed to have a pretty good time though.

I actually lost my inspiration to write just now (yeah i got distracted by the TV, sorry!) *looks sheepish*

I was gonna tell you so much too! But i prefer to do it properly instead of just because...so i'll get back to you!