Letting go

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Letting go

In my previous post Tears I mentioned relief. The relief that crying can bring, the catharsis of it. To really cry you have to let go. Let go of control, let go of the walls you've built up around yourself and let go of your fear and insecurities.
I am working on this. But it is hard, even when trying. I want to let go, I want to show Master all of me, to be transparent. In writing I am, but in action, in person I'm not really there yet.
Although with Him my walls are brittle and easily crack I find it hard to let go, to just lose myself  -even if it ends in tears. Those cathartic tears that brings relief -relief I so badly need. But I'm afraid of where it will take me. Of where I'll end up. Fear.
I'm scared of what He'll see if it takes me where I don't want to end up. I'm scared that I will scare Him. And ultimately I am scared that I'll scare Him off. How He'll see me, look at me.
He reassures me that there's no need to worry, He really does and I believe Him, but the insecurities stay.
The last defence of the wall, although brittle, remains.

How do you learn to let go when you've spent most of your life building defences?
It's not that I don't trust Him. I do. He's one of the few that really knows me  -like really know me. He's one of few (read two) I've let in.
I've said it before; He's touched my soul in ways I didn't even know was possible, yet here I am clinging on to the last crumbles of defence, not letting go.
I'm trying, I'll keep on trying and I'll try harder.
For Him. For me. For Us.With love,