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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Take II

I want to start with saying that i am writing this post because i reverted the two posts i wrote yesterday about equality in a D/s relationship. They were seriously misunderstood! So i'm hoping to rectify that disaster.

I didn't write anything about the difference (and lack thereof) between BDSM and DD -but i will now, just shortly. The acronym BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance, Discipline, Submission, Sadism, Masochism (or Sadomasochism).
DD stands for Domestic Discipline.

The difference in my opinion?
The Domestic part. In a BDSM relationship it may or may not be Domestic, i e within an already existing relationship. Many start their relations based purely on D/s, many don't become a romantic couple at all (with Romance i do not mean gestures with hearts and flowers, i am referring to having a relationship as a man and woman aside from the D/s relation). Also that it often -but not always- involves more sexuality than within a DD relationship.

The common factor?
Discipline and Dominance.
In this case the relevance falls on Dominance.

The reason for calling my posts Unequal Equality, and Unequally Equal was not to try and bring balance back to the Power Exchange (PE), rather the opposite in fact! My point was just that we are equal persons in a relationship with an unequal power level between the two participants.
So whatever kind of relationship you are in it's all about the PE -which is what we all want!
Me included.
I don't want power. I don't want to be allowed to make requirements of Brutus. I don't want to steer the relationship. I want HIM to do that!
But i do think of things hypothetically. And i do think about things quite differently from most people at most times. My brain just works differently from most. I just see things differently.

I also want to explain that yesterdays posts wasn't about me and Brutus. This obviously wasn't clear since even Sir Himself thought it was. This is something i thought about before i was even fully aware that ttwd was something for me. Yes, what Sir brought up has been on my mind. Not in a challenging way though.

[OK, i admit maybe a little when during my "downward spiral" and inability to get myself to the gym. But it was simply a projection of me getting into a huff about not being able to meet requirements. It had absolutely nothing to do with Power struggle, but pure childish thinking stemming from "not feeling right".]

So, as i said, i was not in my previous posts in any way meaning that the Dom's authority should be challenged or that he wouldn't/shouldn't have no right to require something of his sub he doesn't do himself. It was about the thinking and reasoning for wanting the sub to do it, which for the sake of the argument i was assuming was with good intent and with the personal betterment of the sub in mind, and my wondering was why the Dom wouldn't desire the same benefits for himself.

I realize my wording was way off in my previous posts by using words like 'should' and 'require' and so on. I didn't mean these to come from the sub but from the Dom himself. And when i said that the sub presumably wants the same benefits for her Dom i meant just that, that she cares just as much about him to want it for him too (note the for and not from). Not that it was a requirement from her, not for her to do it and not for him to ask it.
Simply her caring for- and wanting the same for him as he does her.
(i e it had nothing to do with submission!)

I hope this made things clearer (?)

In case i wasn't any clearer, the actual question was: 

Why would a Dom not desire the same benefits for himself as he does for his sub? 

But i guess you could say that maybe i also wondered:

"is it OK for a sub to highlight this to her Dom?"

With love,


Anonymous said...

First off the definition of BDSM - The compound initialism BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M).

Secondly I think most Doms want their subs to be better and to be happy, which I also believe they do in fact want for themselves as well. I do believe however that the way they achieve this for their sub and for themselves may be very different. So it may look as if they do not want the same things at times.

I think one should also remember that what will make for better or happy is different for each person whether Dom or sub, so that too will make the actions look different.

February 28, 2012 at 4:06 PM
Sweet girl said...

Sir J i was gonna say i believe i have written all of them but i see now that submission disappeared during editing (kinda ironic *lol*).

Of course it is different for everyone! Everyone has different things to work on and improve, whether sub or Dom.
For example i have many mental health issues, Brutus does not, thus we need different things and different strategies for achieving better and happy. I did not say that was not the case. That however does not mean that it cannot be the same for both Dom and sub and one is prioritized and one neglected.

I'm starting to think i must be a really bad writer....

February 28, 2012 at 6:44 PM
Anne said...

Hello, found your blog yesterday and have really enjoyed your archives. I understand what you are trying to say... Although I was initially confused. I think your comment sums everything up, every person needs different things. I need a lot more restrictions and limits than His Majesty, explains why i'm a sub ;) I must trust that His Majesty is acting in his own best interest, and not worry about what I might think is best, although I have brought up a concern for His health on one issue (and my concern was noted, i guess that is the best I can do). I don't know if I made any sense, sorry!

February 28, 2012 at 7:28 PM
Elder said...

You are not a bad writer at all melinda. It is only that you have touched on such an abstract subject that the interpretations of readers may be different then from what you had in mind.

I would like to reply to your question about why does a Dom ask somethings from her sub that he does not do him self. In other words he does not practice what he preaches.
I think in a way you have already answered it your self. First of all I do think a good Dom wants the best for his sub. If I could dominate a woman successfully but I would have the feeling that she would be better off with out me I would consider the whole exercise a failure.

The reason of the discrepancy between practicing and preaching is that the Dom has different objectives for his sub then he has for him self. And with that he obviously have different priorities for his sub then he has for him self. Why does it flag up? That could be because she has a different idea about what his priorities for him self are or should be.

If I look at the things I ask you they all fall in one of the following categories:
To keep you interested or on your tip toes
To make you submissive
Because it is good for you
Because it is good for me

Of those 4 categories only one could be universal, i.e. it is good for you so it should be good for me.
So that is 25% if all categories are equally represented. Lets assume that for half of those I have no priority for my self. That leaves a theoretical 12.5% or 1 in 8 where by I would practice what I preach.
No wonder it appears like a Dom has 2 stets of standards.

Pffewww lets hope this answer is relevant to your post :-P

Puss sweet girl

PS this Google word verification sucks. And I don't want google to suck. Perhaps I want Melinda to suck, but that does not mean I am inconstant.

February 28, 2012 at 7:35 PM
Sweet girl said...

Hello my Dear Sir =)

Yes the subject must be really abstract indeed! (Next time i'll think really hard about what subjects should be on the do-not-write-about-list!)

But Your reply did have some relevance indeed.

The categories and all that i get (and agree!)

And yes it is about practicing what you preach -to some extent .... OK let's turn it around and be simple (oh god what a deceptive word that can be!): Should a Dom not try to be the best that He can be for His sub just as she should to Him?

Something You wrote is spinning around in my head and i haven't quite gotten a grip on it yet to be honest. What You said was:
"The reason of the discrepancy between practicing and preaching is that the Dom has different objectives for his sub then he has for him self. And with that he obviously have different priorities for his sub then he has for him self. Why does it flag up? That could be because she has a different idea about what his priorities for him self are or should be." Then i counter; should His well being not be of the same importance? (And hence of same priority).

Oh and i want to make something clear: me questioning this does not by any means mean that i am questioning what Sir asks of me or why.

The four categories above; what i live for.
It's not what it's about.
But i think i'm gonna give up on this subject now....

February 28, 2012 at 8:16 PM
Sweet girl said...

Hi Anne, and welcome! I'm glad you enjoy my insane ramblings =)
I hope you'll stick with me even past this tricky subject that don't seem to agree with me at all! *lol*
Thank you for reading =)

February 28, 2012 at 8:20 PM
Sweet girl said...

P.S. You're my 60th follower! =D Yay!

February 28, 2012 at 8:21 PM
Elder said...

Hi melinda, in reply to your reply on my reply the following:
"Should his wellbeing not be of the same importance?"

Perhaps it is not the same thing he thinks is needed for his wellbeing as that he think is needed for his sub. Does that make sense?

On a more dramatic note, from a purely theoretical POV obviously: Perhaps he does not regard his own well being as much as that of his sub.

February 28, 2012 at 8:38 PM
Sweet girl said...

"Perhaps he does not regard his own well being as much as that of his sub." Yeah, i think that's exactly it and that's when i get caught standing with a stupid questioning look on my face.... why?? and to be honest i ask myself the question is that fair?
(i know fair don't fit into PE the same way as outside of it! before anyone says anything. Un-submissive as i am, i still ask it).

February 28, 2012 at 8:52 PM
Elder said...

But it is only a hypothetical assumption so it cannot be answered melinda...

February 28, 2012 at 8:57 PM
Sweet girl said...

Of course it can say that is like saying "assume that box is blue, what colour wrapping do you think we should use?" and answering -"But the box isn't blue, in fact there's no box at how can i choose?" Easy, you imagine it being factual.

But yeah, i think i'll drop this now 'cause it's quite obvious i'm completely alone on this page....
I'll find something better to post about.

February 28, 2012 at 9:04 PM
Sweet girl said...

p.s. i meant ribbon not wrapping. Not that it matters, except to me and my sanity *lol*

February 28, 2012 at 9:11 PM
Elder said...

You have made good progress though. All in all not a bad post at all.

February 28, 2012 at 9:32 PM
Sweet girl said...

Progress?? *snorts* didn't accomplish nothing but getting my knickers in a twist Sir. But thank You all the same =)

February 28, 2012 at 9:45 PM
kiwigirliegirl said...

leaving a comment now makes me feel im interupting your conversation but i just want to say that its much better worded, clearer :)but i still read it as saying the same thing, so I must have read your first attempt correctly :) I am very much a follower though and although I might ask myself the same question, I would never ask it out loud. If My Sir doesnt have the same values for himself as he has for me then that is his choice....and not mine to question. Same as if we were not in a DD relationship, he is his own man. I can try to influence him, persaude him but at the end of the day its his choice to have whatever values for himself he wants.

February 29, 2012 at 12:32 AM
Sweet girl said...

kiwi my dear, no one can ever do more than influence and try to persuade.

February 29, 2012 at 1:15 AM
kiwigirliegirl said...

LOL our doms seem to be able to do more than that though my friend ;)

February 29, 2012 at 4:22 AM
Sweet girl said...

nah they just make us think they do ;)

February 29, 2012 at 4:59 AM
Anonymous said...

It would seem to me the simple answer is yes of course I Dom should have the same high standards for himself as he does for his sub. The standards and how they are achieved might be different the level of the standard should be the same.

I seek the same level excellence in all that I do as I expect from her.

March 1, 2012 at 5:16 AM

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