My submissive journey: September 2011

First time around (Part 4): The red sofa

It was the day before I was leaving, which should put us to Thursday (day 5). We hadn't left the house all day and it was now afternoon, don't ask me what time. I don't know what led up to it but I am now on Master's sofa, lying on my back, naked. Brutus is sitting at the side of me, on the floor. I don't remember so much details but at some point He got up and got the clamps. No, not nipple clamps. Heavy duty black glue clamps, with pivoting tips. They're fierce. They hurt. He put them on my breasts, 3 on each I believe (?). It was intense -really intense! I was struggling, but in a good way. Master could see it was difficult for me and comforted me. He stroked my cheek whispering sweet words to me -although I can't remember them, I just remember His voice, it was soothing, comforting, making me feel safe and warm.

He asked if He could proceed but I wasn't ready. I said no. He kept stroking my face, the top of my head, keeping me grounded I was gonna say but I wasn't grounded at all! I was floating higher and higher into the clouds, further and further out into the atmosphere till I was touching at space. After awhile again He asked if He could proceed, this time I said yes, although I wasn't 100% sure, but I know how I work so I knew it was cool to proceed. So He did. Now He applied them to my belly. I think this time it was three too, or was it 4? I don't know, all I know is that it was intense! Soooo intense! Again it was difficult to manage, but Oh so sweet! He continuously comforted me with His soft voice and His tender touch. To this day I can feel the touch of His hand against my cheek when I think about it.

He applied some clamps on the web between my thumbs and index fingers too. And on the "chicken club" part of the thumb, and on the opposing side of the hand. My hands were also tied together by a soft rope I had gotten up to get from my suitcase at some point. In the end I think I had a clamp in between just about every finger and on the sides of my hands.

I really wasn't feeling anything but pleasure at this point, I felt the pain, but it wasn't really painful anymore, I was so far up in the clouds.

After a bit Master reminded me that we needed to get ready soon if we were to go shopping for stuff I wanted to bring home with me. I no longer wanted to go, but I mmmm'ed half consciously. I don't know if it was a minute or two or ten before He again gently urged me. I said OK, but don't think I made to move. I couldn't really. He sat Himself at the top end of the sofa, lifting and placing my head on His lap. I was like a limp ragdoll, I could not control my body much at all. I didn't even really want to speak, but when your Master speaks with you you do your best. ;)

Eventually, a few minutes I think, I managed to pull together enough muscle power to pull myself up to curl up in His lap. This place I wanted to leave even less.

I don't think Master understood at first that I literally couldn't move. I was all heavy, like lead. Sitting curled up in His lap was wonderful, I'd have stayed there for eternity if I could have (OK, maybe not quite eternity *lol*). But I knew I wanted to buy stuff, even if I really didn't feel like moving an inch just then. But being ~~cursed~~ blessed with a brain that is equipped with a 2-track mind I used the rational one and got myself up -if extremely unwillingly.

We got ready and went shopping -at the Supermarket.

It felt a bit odd at first -it was such a mundane thing to do, can't get much more Vanilla than shopping groceries at the Supermarket now can you?

But it was nice -it felt so.... so normal. :)

We drove home again, put away the stuff and I think sat on the sofa for a bit, snuggling. We like snuggling. We snuggle a lot (even virtually =P).

After that I actually think Brutus cooked some food -He's a good cook! :)

First time around (Part 3): Vanilla

Day 4:

We wake up early to take the train into the city -which I won't name for anonymity reasons, but it's one of Europe's main tourist spots. We had a lovely day. The sun was shining and it was hot, but not unbearably so. The train ride took less than an hour, 50mins maybe. I think we were there by 11-12 sometime.

When we got there I immediately started taking pictures *LOL* Hey it was my first time as a tourist -anywhere! And I love photos, OK ehum, maybe like 250 or so pictures was a bit excessive =P But it was so beautiful, and I love buildings and architecture so there was a lot to look at and snap. My phone is bust so it don't take so many pictures anymore but Brutus had brought His camera, luckily enough -although I think I drove Him crazy buy asking for it every two minutes!! *LOL*
Of course He insisted on taking pictures of me. I Hate being photographed -yes Hate with a capital H! Which means I'm embarrassed and try not to laugh which of course makes me look silly and in turn be even more embarrassed for the next picture! Yeah, not so many good pix there! *LOL* In fact I would say none, but I think Brutus may argue that point -but He's biased! =P

We walked around looking at all the amazing buildings there was too see and walked all the tiny little streets with all the other 1000's of tourists. I did some shopping. Only minor though, just a couple of things for "little brat", after all I had to bring something home for her, and her birthday was coming up in a couple of weeks.
I opted for a pink Mickey Mouse t-shirt with coloured rhinestones and the text 'I love x' (obviously it didn't actually say x! *lol*) at the bottom. This was put in a cute little Disney clothes box and Brutus bought a Disney re-usable bag to put it all in -I think she was more stoked about that than anything else! *LOL*

After having walked for hours we sat down and had a nice cold beer -me still with the camera in hand snapping away at anything and everything =P
We started heading our way back the way we had started from, stopping for an ice cream on the way, well I actually had sorbet -it's so much nicer, and refreshing too.
We went to find somewhere to sit down and eat it in peace, rather than being shoved about by the crowds.

And we found this place with the most hilarious sign on it!

Now, isn't that just the mastery of English?! God we laughed at that for days I think *lol* And yeah, I guess you can all imagine what I of course did? I sit and I pic-nic my ice cream right there, beside that sign =P

By the time we got home it was dark, I think it must've been at least 10pm or so by then.
We got in, had a quick snack -we hadn't really eaten all day for some reason, then I think we cuddled up on the sofa with a beer each, although I'm not sure.

It had been a long but wonderful day, completely Vanilla -apart from all the little grabs and squeezes He managed to get in here and there, of course just enough of them to make me frustrated! *lol*

All in all a perfect day!

Preparing......

First time around (Part 2)

I actually remember more stuff about that first night after I had posted, but I'll continue where I left off; the next day.

The next day I woke up feeling refreshed and happy -not my normal morning state I can tell you that! I think Sir jumped into the shower first. When He came out it was my turn. Since I was already naked all I had to take off was my collar. I took it off and lay it on the bathroom counter. The thought of asking Him to remove it had struck me briefly, but I didn't. I jumped in and soaped up and did all the things one usually does in a shower *lol*. When I came out I dried myself off, brushed my teeth and then another thought hit me; it had felt kinda "off" to take the collar off myself, now that it was He that had put it on. It felt equally odd to think to put it on myself. So, I took my collar and gathered my towel, folding it on the way, and walked back into the bedroom. I walked over to His side of the bed, dropped the folded towel on the floor and then followed suit. Kneeling naked on the floor in front of Him I held out my hands with the collar laying across their palms, wordlessly asking Him to reattach the collar around my neck. He of course did. He seemed to like the gesture, in fact I think I even heard a slight gasp coming from Him when I sank to my knees reaching out to Him. He snapped the collar back around my neck, kissed the top of my head and whispered something. I can't remember the exact words, I think it was "Good girl", or "My sweet girl", but I'm not sure (maybe Master could help me out here?).
I have never felt more submissive than I did at that point -actually that's not true! I had never felt more submissive than I did at that point... The whole walking to His bedside, kneeling by Him and I guess offering myself to Him again (I hadn't seen it like that till Master said it Himself recently in a conversation), it was an awesome feeling. It was a very strong moment -for both of us- one I think we will both remember for a long time.

To be continued.....

*wishful thinking*
*LOL*

melinda is not at all frustrated, not the slightest -not even a teensy weensy bit!
(But just how long can.....*counts* 91 hours and 36 minutes be?!)

First time around (Part 1)

Since coming to the realization I did not really tell you guys anything about my first trip down to see Brutus I thought I'd do that a bit now, before I leave again -before there will be lots of new stuff to tell! *grins*

Well, I told you about the landing at the airport, about my evil friend's text messages (yes YOU Terror!) and about the car journey (where I behaved oh so perfectly normal! *LOL*)

That's where the censoring kicked in! I'm going to peel off some of it for you now ; )

Let's go back to the beginning, well the beginning of my stay.

More precisely the first time Master snapped my collar around my neck. *smiles fondly*
The feeling was.....amazing. I've worn that collar plenty before (although not permanently anymore, due to allergy =( ), but Him putting it around my neck was so different. When I heard the buttons snap into place something simultaneously snapped in me. Not as in "I snapped!" *LOL*
But it was like, just like He snapped on the buttons of the collar He also snapped myself onto Him. On a deeper level than before. Much deeper.

I don't know if I've told Him this, so it might come as a surprise to Him, but after that everything is just a blur. I remember clothes coming off in a hurry -my clothes specifically! *LOL* I remember hands roaming my body and I remember being led to the bedroom and pushed up against the wall of wardrobes. My back to Him, arms splayed out above my head. And then the pain. It took me by surprise, I dunno why because it shouldn't have; I knew it was coming, I was waiting for it, longing for it. But it did. So did the intensity with which it came, the blows were raining down on me. The intensity of the sensations was fierce and I felt myself slipping in control but I managed to reign myself in again; I know that my reactions run away with me, I know I can take a lot more than my instincts think I can. Instincts told off I was back "in place" again taking it, not effortlessly but not fretting either. I took it beyond pleasure, I took as much as I could take there and then without going too far. I wanted to give Him that first instance of Him taking physical possession of me. And I wanted to give as much as I possibly could. So I did.
But I'm not stupid. I wouldn't go beyond my own means, which I also wanted to assure Him of, so I told Him when I felt it get a bit too heavy and I told Him when I'd had enough.
I would never betray Him (or me!) by not letting Him know "where I'm at", that would be counterproductive and only cause Us damage -not to mention my butt! *LOL*

After that everything is even more of a blur....in fact, I can't really remember much at all. I remember saying good night. I remember laying in His arms. I remember whispering: "You wanna know a secret? I love You". I remember I had my face snuggled in His chest when I did. I remember feeling shy as I said it, and I of course remember His response. I know there was "stuff" (*lol*) before it but it's too hazy to put into words.
I remember sleeping like a Princess for the first time in YEARS. I woke up feeling refreshed. It was....it was...nothing short of amazing. My own version of sleep therapy; Brutus. *LOL* that kinda sounds like it could be the name of a machine doesn't it?! =P (Sorry Sir!) *tihi*

The next day we didn't leave the house until the afternoon.

*grins wide*

To be continued....

Oh my Gosh!

Just realized I barely told you anything at all about my first trip to see Brutus!! This will be changed- I promise you!
Let's see how much gory details I'll get away with telling =P

And with just a few days to go before the next trip I better hurry! ; )
This trip being THREE times as long I'm sure there will be a lot to tell!

*mind wanders off to other places* .....

Getting there....

Think kiddo is getting ill though -pray I don't catch it in that case!

Five days to go!

Still feels like ages but I know it will go by quickly -oh I can't wait!!

I hope time will do the opposite once with Him and snaaaaail forward! That's just wishful thinking though isn't it?

7 days; a week.

It's nothing.

- 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 -

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Just as I was demonstrating how little time it is a Freudian-slip reminded me how much I want to speed it up;

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday

Would be so much better wouldn't it?

Right now a week feels like eons, but I know it will pass quick in reality.

I have a lot to get done in that time;

Hair to colour, footie practice with daughter, food to cook, laundry to wash & dry & fold, finding a bag to bring, choose clothes & toys to bring, nursery drop-off and pick-up, shopping, packing, leave daughter with Nana....

- Oh! I might even sleep a little!

*grins*

All that should keep me at least a little bit busy so time won't snail forward, right?

Last weeks winner was nearly unanimously voted for! Although there were more commenters than voters -let's hope everyone will remember to vote this week!

Theme this week: Caught Up

I really couldn't decide, so this week there's 6 pictures to choose from!

All pictures this week are from the renowned pin-up artist Gil Elvgren, from the 1940's to the 1950's.

Oh! Let's not forget....

...the countdown!

Yeah that's me picking my nose to make time pass =P

(Oh and please do disregard the ad-value of the image -I just happened to like it!)

Comments too long to post

This was a comment I was writing on Master's latest post on after care. As you can see it got rather long -which is very unusual for me! *irony*

OK, here it is.

I don't think after care is all about comforting per say. After a high there comes a low (always and in all things) and this low needs to come slowly, progressively so as not to shock the system. That can lead to a later sub-drop.
So with that in mind the same should apply to a Dom, for he too gets an acceleration of endorphins and adrenaline during a scene, especially a "heavy" one. Therefore he too should need a... let's call it a winding down period. Maybe jumping this part in the process isn't as detrimental for a Dom as for a sub, I dunno, although there is such a thing as Dom-drop too. I think the more intense the scene has been the more important the after becomes. And just like Sir says, apart from the physical (and physiological) recovery it is also important for the re-connection of the people involved. Just like you don't tend to have intense sex with someone and then jump out of bed and leave (not even with a one night stand, and trust me I've had plenty of those), you lay for a bit and catch your breath at the very least.

After a session you bask in the afterglow of all the feelings and sensations the activity has brought forward, you re-affirm the caring of the relationship, that you both value what you have just done and each other. Doms tend to say that they do it to show their appreciation of the gift just given to them, I for one is just as grateful for the gift that has been given to me in return during the session. Because it gives me something too! So for me it's just as much about me showing Sir the same as He's telling me with His after care, namely satisfaction and gratitude, and love. So even if He don't realize it, He gives me as much as I give Him, and after I give Him as much as He does me.

We play together, we recover together.

(I know there are people who prefer to be alone afterwards, that that is their way of winding down. I have no experience in that so therefore I cannot comment on it, but I would imagine the process is the same, just a different method of achieving it.)

Numbers

Let the countdown begin!

The countdown to melinda's next adventure in kink and submission

(right chum?)

= P

It's a DD!

No, I'm not "swapping" D/s for DD!

In this case it stands for a Done Deal!

In about 1½ weeks I'm yet again jumping on a plane across Europe to see Master!

Finally!

*contented sigh*

I can't wait!

Best of all -I'm staying for 2 whole weeks!

Isn't that just awesome?!

Returning issue

That's the name of Brutus' latest post where He dropped a bombshell on me. OK, that sounds really dramatic -like in a negative way, it isn't!
The other night we discussed tattoos -again. I've wanted it for like the last 15 years or so but have never gotten round to having one done. Now I am. Brutus is giving me one (NOT as in doing it Himself!! *LOL*). We've agreed on what as well -amazingly easy too, shockingly enough!

This is the one I'm getting, although in black and grey (at first, can always add to it =D)

He's crazy that man!

Crazy and generous and lovely and sweet.

(Yes I call Him sweet!)

(Did I mention crazy?)

He's all that and I love Him for it!

Pin-up Sexy Sunday

I'm nicking DV's concept, but running with the template theme of my blog: Pin-ups.

First theme up; Uniforms

#3

#4

#5

:(

God, does everyone hate the new look of the blog? :( Keep getting hits but not a single comment about it :|
Oh well....

Tomorrow (or later today rather) I'll post a reply to ~~sin's blog~~ [EDIT: Aisha's blog it should say of course!] (so not to take up half her blog, and well it all started with me.)

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend :)

Comment section works!! OK, so there happens to be two of them *LOL* First you have none then you have two -how typical!
That will be sorted too, but to be honest I can't be arsed right now, I've stared myself blind at HTML-coding and frankly I'm sick of it =P

It will be sorted though.
But for now please feel free to comment on the "new" blog!

Technical difficulties

I'm aware that the comment box doesn't work -it sucks! I'm working hard to solve the problem though, i hope to have it sorted soon (lucky i never sleep :P )

Under (Re-)Construction!!

Even more on tears, letting go and spankings.

I have written about this previously, in a few different takes on the subject, now I find myself back here again. Mainly because I have progressed, I feel better, I'm at a better & happier place and this is now something that I want actively, not just theoretically. I'm of course talking of Him bringing me to tears. To spank me till I go into a zone outside of erotic spanking.

Me and Master had a conversation about this (again) last night. He has some concerns -He's a sensible man. He want to be sure that things we do will be for the good and not backfire. His main concern is about me being bipolar and that it will do just that; backfire.
It is what previously has been my concern too. Just like it is the reason I won't go in therapy. I don't want to open up the door to that big black hole again -I need to be sure that I can finish the emotional trip it will bring before I even think about finding the key to the door, let alone unlock it and open it.
I think I have reached that place, with Master. I would not be able to do it with a therapist.
I know Master. I trust Him. I love Him. I know He wouldn't take me further than I could take; He don't want to break His favourite toy! (Boys and their toys! *LOL*) I know He loves me back, He don't want me to come to no harm. He knows me.

We will get there. When we both are ready. When we both will get something positive out of it. It's not something that could be done at His timing -it would have to be at my choosing. When I need it. When I feel the time is right. The time is right now, but the timing has to be as such that it feels right at that exact moment, i e I get the feeling of needing it. When that time is (and I am with Him obviously -the two kinda has to coincide *LOL*) I will ask for it. I will go to Him and ask Him to spank me beyond my normal limits. Not to bring tears to my eyes, not to make a couple flow over and trickle down my cheeks, but the kind I wrote of in the crying post;

"Tears can bring an incredible relief, catharsis.

Especially when you've cried floods and start sobbing and heaving and snotting (the latter not being all that attractive *lol*)."

A therapist would backtrack in time, dissect my whole life, split it up into bits and pieces. It's not what I'm seeking. I'm not looking to "come to terms with my life" or anything like that. I'm looking for emotional cleansing, of letting go. Letting go and letting in. I'm looking to bring my progress forward, to take this "good" and make it "better". To take this "genuinely happy" to an even higher level, deeper level. To empty -or at least make lighter- the rucksack full of bricks on my back. To cleanse the palate like a fine wines connoisseur before he moves on to the next glass. That's what I want; to feel refreshed, lighter. Make room for new and better things and letting go of the old and heavy. To keep taking steps forward, to move further on this journey of life. To become as happy as I can be. To let go. To break down those walls and give myself freely and fully to my beloved Master. The man that brings me light & joy and keeps me safe & sound. To reach His first and foremost goal for me; "to be a better person for herself and for those that matter to her" - His words.

Like I said, He's a clever and sensible man. He's a good leader, He will lead me safely and soundly forward, in the pace that He feels comfortable with, a pace He is confident that I can take, that is good for us both.

When the time is right.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Related Articles:

____________________________________________________________________

Yes this post was inspired by my blogging friend that keeps finding herself in a bit of a twist (you know who you are ; ) ).

Now, she's not being bratty on purpose, I know that. But there are those out there that call themselves brats and are proud of it. And they say that their Master's like it. Then is it really bratty?

In my book being bratty is about manipulation. Acting a certain way to get your own will even though it is not served to you, often without the other person realizing they are being played. No Master wants to be played. Master's do the playing -that's just how it is and it's the aim of the game right?

I'm cheeky, I can even be very cheeky. I am teasing and light-hearted in my manner of conversation. Some may even say taunting. It's all fun and games. I'm playful. Brutus likes that. He knows I'm not being disrespectful or taking liberties. He knows I wouldn't manipulate Him. Maybe do a little weedling-out of things, maybe distract a bit, but never manipulate. Never push His limits like a bratty little child (I have one of my own, I know how terrible it is!), not piss Him off on purpose in order to get what I want. In fact if I did and I was caught out I know I'd be having a lot of booooring political blogs and global warming conspiracy theories to read up on!! Exactly -NO spanking! Because that's what I was vying for wasn't it? And brattiness isn't rewarded, it's punished. And trust me I'd even take a mega harsh punishment spanking over that bloody research any day of the week! -And He knows it.

(**Yes, Sir that was probably the meanest punishment You've thought out yet -I'm glad I managed to evade it!**) So this time there was no physical punishment, it was a mental exercise of anguish, or would've been had i not been a last-second Good girl *grins*

In my eyes it's always better to ask for what you want. Yes, you may be denied it, but you have not done anything wrong in asking -in fact I think most Doms would be happy for you to do that! Of course there are very strict ones out there -if your's is one of them then I think bratting is an even worse idea! It could cost you dearly when you are found out! And yes I say when and not if, cause unless you have a particularly dense Sir, you will be found out sooner or later! I would not like to be the owner of that bum -and I'm a painslut!

I don't see an issue in asking to be spanked. As long as you ask respectfully! And with hope of getting it, not expectation.

Make it into a nice offering to Him. Maybe kneel in front of Him, with your favourite toy/implement. Ask courteously. Again, make it into something that He would like to give -something He would like to take.

Of course this isn't as easy if you're in a non-S/m relationship where you don't play. If you only use spankings for punishment, well then it's probably nothing you even want to ask for in the first place. Unless you're a spanko and your hubby is not. Then you can still try, worst thing that can happen is that you'll be denied (and then you're not really any worse off than you were before you asked are you?)

TTWD is about give and take, about meeting each other's needs and lusts, about compromising. TTWD is not static. It changes as we change. It's about push and pull. They push, we pull. Both parties are part of the evolution of the relationship. Both parties can help shape the direction they're heading in.

Just remember a few things;

Even if you are pulling remember you are NOT the one in charge! You can ask. You can come with suggestions. You can present. But ultimately the choice is theirs whether it will happen or not, and when & how.

Being bratty isn't just disrespectful to them as the leader, but also to them as a person. Manipulation is NEVER OK.

Don't go behind their back; transparency is what keeps this type of relation stronger than Vanilla ones.

Trust them! Even when it's not quite the way you wish it would be, even when it feels like they falter.

Ask, but don't make demands (that is sure to backfire on you!)

Lastly; the usual -talk talk talk! Don't be afraid to speak your mind -they can't possibly know how to satisfy your needs and wants if they don't know what they are!

Good luck in getting what you want -without being bratty!

The Big Five -Oh!

Five Oh oh oh

Yup I've hit 5000 views!!

Well actually it is 4,999 right this second, but surely that should change very very soon right? (In fact it might be YOU who pushed the ticker over the millennial finish line?)

Anyways, 5000 views -that's pretty cool : ) For little ol´ me.

The downsides of LDRs

Brutus is unwell right now. What are we supposed to do when our Sir is unwell? Take as good care of Him as He does you.
But I can't :(

I can't do nothing but send my love and well wishes to Him, and frankly even though it might be nice to hear, it really doesn't do no good.

I can't make a difference from here.

I can't serve Him.

I can't make Him feel better.

This is one of the sucky sides of LDR.

even when He's not....

Drama

The many Me.

This post is supposed to be a background story to explain my Epiphany post.

To explain how such a simple thing as feeling happiness can be such a huge deal.

I'm bipolar.

I have ADHD.

I have aggression issues.

I have a serious temper that I constantly battle to keep in check -and have a lot of the time failed at.

I have times of inertia.

I have times of being wound up.

I have times of being curled up.

It has been dark.

It's been cold.

I've been cold.

But lo and behold!

There is also warmth.

x x x x x

Being bipolar means having a lot of faces, a lot of state of minds, a lot of ups and downs. A lot of turmoil. Add to that a portion of ADHD and you've got the perfect recipe of disaster and chaos.

Where it all began.

The severe & dark.

The Black hole.

The iron clad, where the mask is getting too heavy to bear.

Where Master found me.

-My soul has been dead. Master reawakened it. I don't know if it was something he actively did or otherwise- but reawakened I am.

No matter if I was sad, miserable or "happy" the core was always how you see it in the picture.

Dead.

In this case "happy" was being able to laugh, have fun.

Master made me happy from the start, very happy - to the capacity I was capable of.

He made me happy as in 'feeling good'.

It's funny how the same feeling can be so different at different times.

x x x x x

Breaking through

Now. Not so much a mask as a feeling. I can see beauty. I can see the shimmer of gold in the sunset and the silver lining of the clouds. I can see the colours of the rainbow, I can smell the grass in the rain and see the beauty of the flowers. I can see, I can smell, I can feel; I'm getting my senses back! Behind me are the sad, heavy and dark masks, in front of me shimmering gold and flowers.

Feeling for real.

Feelings reaching all the way into the soul.

Feelings of Love & Joy

Edit:
P.S. This post was written for it's positive ending, not to generate pity. But to show how far I have come over the last year and that my life is better than it has been for years : )