Self esteem and self worth
This post is a result from a conversation Brutus and I had a few days ago, or rather the blog post He wrote based on it, and my comments to it.
Because yes, I rarely know things before I write/speak of them. Words just jump out like frogs out of my brain and mouth and I realize them as I hear/see them. They are not processed and they are certainly not censored (because to do that you need to know what frog is about to take the leap!). This isn't always a good thing.
But i digress.
This post was about self esteem and self worth.
I have very bad self esteem. Always have. The self worth issues developed with depression I think. That's getting better though. Brutus is making that better =)
His belief in me, my abilities and my apparent qualities sheds a light on me which allows me to see things I haven't been able to see before.
Like; Yes, I am a good friend -when I'm well enough to be a friend. I'm of a distinct flavour and I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but to those than can tolerate me and my ways I am a good friend.
And opposing what some people think I'm not actually a bad person. I have been in bad condition, which has defined my behaviour, but I'm not a bad person.
I do my best, even if I fail.
When I believe something and feel for something or someone I do so fiercely and passionately and would jump through hoops for that person.
All these things are traits that Brutus wrote of as being "universally desirable and specifically desirable for a Dom". And yes, I just realized this writing it. Dang blogs are good sometimes!
Brutus is a miracle worker =) (At least He is my miracle worker) I'm not gonna lie and say that I will actually see all these positive things in a week, or day or even an hour from now, but having seen them at all is quite an epiphany in itself. It's quite nice a feeling actually =)
OK let's backtrack a bit and see where this conversation actually comes from.
Brutus and I were talking of my stay there and how He can be very possessive of me -and this when He sleeps! *LOL*
He holds me so hard and close to Him that I really can't get away (good thing I have a super-bladder! =P). This is of course not something He does consciously, since He is sleeping. I told Him I liked that feeling though, of Him being possessive of me. I added "even when there's no one to be possessive from" (yes, I checked the chat history to get it right, however I do realize it is a very badly structured sentence *lol*), this is what spurred His blog post. This led the conversation to my ever present awe and questioning of Him sticking with me in the beginning.
In the beginning of our time together I was nowhere near as well as I am today. I was still depressed, I saw no meaning in anything, I had a constant struggle to keep from blowing my top (which I was also very unsuccessful with, which I guess can have contributed to even more feelings of failure) and I had been self-harming. Nothing major, but I did all the same. Only reason I stopped was because He told me to. And it was no longer just my body, I felt I had no right to do that anymore. It was difficult not to. I soon found that I was masochistic -very masochistic- and getting a positive outlet for that extinguished the need for self-harming. Yes this will undoubtedly start a debate whether all masochists are doing so out of self-harm and self-destruction or not, this is not the time or the place for it, even though I have my own theories about that. But it's not what this post is about.
Although I think I'm digressing again.
Please bear with me.
My point being that I was in a bad place when Brutus and I met. I felt like a lost cause -which I kept telling Him. I wanted Him to see that -now that is self-destructive! And comes down to zilch feelings of self-worth. I really felt like I was so much more hassle than anything positive He might get out from it. I still do (that I did). So no, I can't understand Him sticking with me. I probably never will.
But like I wrote in a comment to His post; I'm selfish enough to not really care about the why (just the want to understand), I am just happy that He did and that He feels the way He does about me.
The fact that I actually believe that He loves me is a huge leap forward for me. Yeah, I still doubt I deserve it from time to time, or that He should love me -but it makes me so happy that He does, and again I'm selfish enough and want it enough to not question it (too much).
But feeling that He can love me without it being.....wrong, is a big difference in me. One that I can thank Brutus for. The subject of 'credit' for my progress has been discussed time and again, I have no doubt who and what should have credit for what though.
I give credit where credit is due, it's not something I give haphazardly.
Self esteem is a different thing though. Esteem is about feeling confidence in one's ability to do something. I have had very good self esteem in some things, but not doing anything at all anymore, well it kinda don't give you any scope to feel good at something, or sometimes even capable.
OK, this got really rambly didn't it?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that no I don't think that "[Brutus is] putting up with someone who is not worth considering" or that His "requirements are too low", I agree that is not true, but I do fail to see what made Him persevere. It is not important though. At least not from a relational POV, when I bring this up (on occasions the subject comes up) it is strictly from my inability to understand and my curiosity and desire to do so, nothing else.
I don't always see why I deserve Him, but I'm no longer convinced that I don't.
I obviously have something, and do something, that appeals to Him and makes Him happy. Whatever that may be.
