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Friday, October 21, 2011

Looking back


I thought I'd take a quick look in the rearview mirror today.


It's just been mine and Brutus's 1 year anniversary
It's been 10 months since I started this blog
and it's my 100th post!

Wow!


.... In the beginning I didn't actually write so much, it was far between posts and I was kind of....faltering. I was not being myself, I was not writing as myself. Once I started doing that it took off! I also found I had a lot to say about a lot of things! *LOL* (So unlike me =P) So it's only really from the summer time that I have been a part of Bloggerland, as opposed to just stuttering out a few words of wonderings here and there.
I now have 45 followers and over 8000 views. Cool huh? I know plenty people have plenty more than that, but I never thought I would!

In the beginning I wrote a lot about being confused and fumbling my way forward and finding my way in ttwd.
I had some difficulty grappling with certain things. I was being overly complicated as usual! *LOL*  But that's me. I over think or don't think at all, I jump right in or I stay by the wayside.
Now I have not only found my submission, I have found me. The two has become one and the same. I started out with trying to be a submissive to later be submissive. I think the biggest difficulty I had with that was overcoming my own perceptions of how it should be -what it seemed to be like for everyone else.
And yes, I'm a complicated person *lol* -I can't just accept that something is, I have to know how and why and and and.... My biggest issue in the beginning of this journey was feeling submission. Not with actually being submissive. I was succeeding in that -albeit with a few pitfalls, but that's to be expected. Apparently I succeeded much better than I thought at the time! Brutus has said that I was "very submissive right from the beginning"  =)


I think submission -and being someone's submissive- is something that you grow into. It's not the same for all and it's not the same with all. Every relationship evolves differently. Two people make it grow, thus there are two directions to merge into one.

When I was struggling with this notion that I had to feel my submission people kept telling my that maybe it wasn't necessary, maybe it didn't even exist (as a solid feeling, I guess they meant it just is). I didn't agree. I just knew it was something I needed. I struggled with it, but I took Brutus' word for it when He said that I was and that I was doing well. Well mostly I did....
Then one day it was just there. I could feel it! And from then on I have never really felt lost again. From that moment on I didn't feel like I was trying to be(come) a submissive, I just was! Am.

The fact that I found my perfect counterpart straight away helped a lot too -I think I would have given the whole thing up quite soon otherwise! I'm not one for trying something on time and again -if it don't work then it's not for me.
It did work. It is for me. It is me.
And I still have that perfect counterpart  =D

It amazes me how very different everything is now from the beginning! Everything was so much more....theoretical(?) in the beginning. That's not strange at all -it takes time to build a relation, to get to know each other, to work out what works and what does not and so on. I'm just amazed at how quickly it has evolved into something so natural. I no longer worry ooh can I do this?, oh what would He say if I do that, or don't do that?  I don't walk around thinking about it anymore, I live it now. I know. I know Him, thus I don't have to worry about how to interpret a rule or something He has said or asked me to do. I just know. Because I know Him. I know what He expects of me and I know what's important to Him, and what is less important. I know what He likes, what He dislikes and what He is indifferent to.

We have come a long way. Many of my boundaries have been pushed. I've gone from having a long list of soft and hard limits, to having a few (most of them we actually share). Sure I'm a bit apprehensive to some stuff He'd like to try! He acknowledges that and respect that -we might do it anyways, but not before "the right time". Usually He is the one to know when that time has come, not me. I rarely think it has! *LOL* But it always end up showing that He was right. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I might say I don't want to try it again, although that is very very rare! Usually He placates me and we do try it again, at a later date, when I'm not so fixated anymore. *LOL*
So, just like I know Him and I know what to expect of Him, He knows me. A lot of the time it seems like He knows me better than I do! He pushes me forward, gently nudging to test the waters, usually I take the leap myself (I push myself at least as hard as He does!). Sometimes I pull Him, suggesting new waters to dip our toes into or in some cases it's just about me being the one to switch gears.
It's been a journey for both of us, both individually and together. Experience and knowledge alters perceptions. New perceptions gives new possibilities. Possibilities for growth. You grow mostly by trial and error, I'd say we've had very few errors! And we've grown a lot. We've grown into something I don't think either of us expected or even dared dream of.
We share a life not "just" a lifestyle, even if we do so apart a great deal of the time. But we are solid and permanent fixtures in each other's lives -in fact He is my solidity.
He's my rock and my safe harbor, my comfort. He's my big Huggy-Bear, my motivator and my voice of reason, my sense -He keeps me moving forward when I want to slack and regress, He keeps my head above water and He keeps me in line.
But most of all; He makes me happy  =)

It's been a wonderful but hard-working journey, but the hard work has been so so worth it! Not only has it gotten me and Brutus very close, the impact it -and He- has had on my life is immense!
And I mean immense!

For that I am grateful and happy and I am looking forward to the continuing journey ahead of me -ahead of us!




And I want to thank all my readers for sticking with me! Avid commenters and lurkers alike;

Thank you for making this blog what it is!



With love,

21 comments:

Sky said...

Congratulations on your one year anniversary and your 100th post! It's wonderful to see a LDR flourishing, and that you get to see each other again soon :)

I enjoy your blog. Thank you for sharing.

Take care, Sky

October 21, 2011 at 7:13 PM
stumblingchi said...

Your post made me smile. :-)

I'm glad you are so happy with Brutus, and with yourself! Your feelings shine through your words. I know you were a bit down when you returned from your trip and it's good to see that you're feeling better now.

In a long distance relationship it is very possible to be a huge part in each others lives. As time went on, D became a part of my children's lives as well, even long distance!

I love your blog...thank you for sharing...

October 21, 2011 at 7:21 PM
Kitty said...

Congrats, sweet girl! It is a big deal to reach the milestones in your relationship that you have:)! Good for you and Brutus!!!

Thanks for sharing about yourself and hope you get many more followers/readers. I had my first mean comment today...I'm fine, but just be prepared that there's always someone that will want to rain on your parade. When/if it happens don't let them take your joy away!!!

Love,
Kitty

October 21, 2011 at 7:40 PM
Sweet girl said...

Thank you girls!

Sky: Thank you, I'm glad you're enjoying my ramblings.

chi: Your comment made me smile =) And yes, my daughter is quite fond of Brutus too! *LOL* Although they've never met, and only "spoken" over IM, funny that huh?
Love it? Wow, I'm flattered! Thank you *grins*

Kitty: Aw that sucks! Send them over to me I won't mind ;) I'm sure they would though! =P

October 21, 2011 at 8:45 PM
Elder said...

Wow lots of mile stones. I can also say that you have almost 4 times as much visitors per blog then me. And you have about 5 times as much followers as me per blog. So you are a very successful subbie. Having a subbie is work for a Dom. It is fun, but you have to work for it. With you I have to say that the time and energy spent is really giving a great satisfaction. You have been grateful and I have seen many improvements in you since we started this journey together. As good subbie you want to give me a lot of credit for it. We have had some talks who was the major contributor. Who ever was just the fact that I could be part of your progress has done me so good, and has been good for my own self esteem. I am happy with the decision we made more than a year ago to try this relation. And I am happy with you as my subbie. And you are just great to get my rocks off :-D

October 21, 2011 at 9:44 PM
Sweet girl said...

At first I was getting back to You with loads of statistics, I decided they were irrelevant. Then I smiled. Then I felt all warm inside (but my head was making a ? sign) Then I just LMAO!
*LOL*

Love You you big Brute! (thank You!)

October 21, 2011 at 9:57 PM
Elder said...

first things last melinda

October 21, 2011 at 10:13 PM
Sweet girl said...

:)

October 21, 2011 at 10:16 PM
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator. October 22, 2011 at 1:47 AM
Sweet girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author. October 22, 2011 at 1:53 AM
stumblingchi said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator. October 22, 2011 at 2:49 AM
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator. October 22, 2011 at 4:15 AM
findingsara said...

Congratulations Sweet Girl. It sounds like it's been a wonderful year. Wishing you many more to come! Sara

October 22, 2011 at 4:54 PM
Terror said...

Sunil, thats good you are great in every way :) me so happy for you :) <3

October 22, 2011 at 8:31 PM
Sweet girl said...

Thank you Sara!

My sweet Terror :)

October 22, 2011 at 8:56 PM
blossom said...

Congratulations to you both on your 1 year anniversary, i am sure there will be plenty more years ahead to celebrate. Love reading your blog even though i dont comment all the time.

blossom xx

October 23, 2011 at 6:08 PM
Sweet girl said...

Thank you blossom! I love having you here :)

October 23, 2011 at 10:34 PM
kiwigirliegirl said...

awww hon thats so awesome congrats babe :) really happy for you - heres to many more years to come with you and Brutus - with or without the stats ;) xx
love and hugs kiwi xxx

October 25, 2011 at 4:41 AM
Ethan Lambert said...

I feel like I should know this by now, but when you're together is it an all-day, total power exchange kind of thing or is it only in sexual scenarios?

October 26, 2011 at 3:04 AM
Sweet girl said...

Hi Ethan!
Thanx for delurking :p

Brutus and I always have a 24/7 power exchange, there or not (obviously I run my life when I'm at home, but He is still The Boss and has the ultimate say).

October 27, 2011 at 7:59 AM
kiwigirliegirl said...

Congrats sweetgirl - i have only just been able to comment on your blog again - it doesnt load properly - problems this side not yours :)

I had some difficulty grappling with certain things. I was being overly complicated as usual! *LOL* But that's me. I over think or don't think at all, I jump right in or I stay by the wayside.

I certainly relate to your words here hon. So true of me too.

I am so glad you have each other - you sound so happy and content in this post and it makes me smile :)
Love and hugs kiwi xxx

November 1, 2011 at 3:01 AM

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