Being not-so-very submissive

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Being not-so-very submissive

OK....I think I wrote earlier that I am not feeling as submissive as I usually am. Why is that? I don't know and it doesn't really matter. Thing is more about what to do about it. I know it starts with me, and the other day I managed to get it back, for a while. Then she was gone again. She more faded away than ran away. The feeling kinda stayed in my head but for some reason it's not shining through, I don't behave submissively. Why I don't know, because I want to -no scratch that, I need to! So why don't I then?
Well I have a habit -a very BAD habit!- to become settled too quickly too easily. I get too at ease, I have way way easier to acclimatize than most people. Which is handy when you make big changes in your life and when stuff happens, not so good at other times.
So, is that it? I've become too....at home? I know my place, I do. It's the exact place I want to be at too. I just need to be kept there. No scratch that, I need to be put there!

This subject just came up with Brutus. He asked me if I thought He was bad or doing something wrong, and what would I change? To answer them in order; NO! No and nothing. (The fact that He even asked completely stunned me!)


But I might need.....reminders?
No I'm not talking Maintenance spankings -i get my fair share of spankings as it is! ;) And no I haven't been "bad" enough for a punishment either. So how could I be reminded then? I'm not sure, I'm coming up with this as I write it.
OK let's go with what we know;

1. I like spankings
2. I like kneeling
3. I like force
4. I like being over-powered and manhandled.
5. I like addressing Him appropriately -which I seem to have difficulty with in words that are not written for some reason. What's in my brain don't reach my mouth or body (don't mean in THAT way! ;) )
6. I like Him being in charge. Being the Boss and the Protector.
7. I also love His gentle, loving and fun side -I certainly don't want to lose that!

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I should have posted this long ago but I never got it finished. Now I'm already back home, but I still feel the need to write this.....

Although I think I have reached the bottom line of the conclusion; I need more force.

Now I'm afraid that this will be misunderstood. I love what Brutus and I have. I love how we are. I think I just need more... more visible power exchange. Does that make sense? More demonstration of our roles.

Like I said, I easily get too comfortable -now that don't mean I don't want it like it is now too! Yes, I'm greedy -I want it all! At the same time. Not really fair is it? But I'm being honest, and no point in being half-honest now is there?

So, basically I don't want to change anything, I just want to add to it. "Just"....




Now, I started writing this when I was with Brutus & I think that's when it is most applicable, although a reminder never hurt (a goldfish)....  ;)

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After haven spoken to a good friend of mine about this, actually I sent her this post because I couldn't decide what to do with it, I got my act together and spoke with Brutus about it (Thanx for the kick up my arse gurl! I needed it ;) ). So this will be the third writing of this post (sorry about that).
This is what was concluded:


Well first of all I think I need to fess up to starting this post to take the easy way out, to have the conversation instigated here and not me having to do it conversationally.
I was told very plainly by my friend that "maybe that first step is you going to him and talking to him BEFORE you post your blog"


Eh, OK -but I was trying to avoid that!



Yeah, I know... 


Go TALK to Brutus dear



OK, I'll try




You will feel better.
It's the first act of being submissive again.


Well we'll talk, question is if we'll TALK.


The first words out of your mouth should be Brutus I need to tell you something.
Then you will have no choice.
Go do it now dear.


Now we're talking anniversaries and ******* -so NO


MELINDA!!!!

Go tell him
It's the only way you will feel better


Okokiok.... (Sheesh gurl)


I'll message him myself and tell him you need to talk =P


Oh no you wouldn't

   -But oh yes she would....Eh what happened?! This is so reversed roles!

*LOL* 

melinda don't like the taste of her own medicine!

But I must say, she was right!
As usual I was being overly complicated.

I spoke to Brutus. I started with telling Him about the conversation I was having with my friend (yes, I continued it for a bit after He came online -exception from the rule though!), that she was chastising me (good opener I thought -I was also being evasive, telling Him without really telling Him, throwing in hints but not the straight out information...I do that sometimes hoping that He'll catch on, but at the same time hoping that He won't actually really pay any attention to it.). I still had difficulty just telling Him straight so I asked Him if I could send Him a mail with the blog post I had emailed my friend asking for help with. That was fine He said.
Then He asked if He should be worried.
No nononononono! not at all! Just me being difficult.


Ahhhh OK then =P  (yeah He's used to that part of me =P)


He read it and thought it a non-issue. Just "minor tweaks" He said, and that He didn't see no problem with me bringing that up (have I ever said how much I love having a reasonable Master?).

I felt relief when He said;
First of all I never felt you were not submissive enough.
You are very compliant
No polemics
No stand off
No tantrum
No lack of respect


I realized that I was probably just feeling what I did in the early days -that I wasn't feeling submissive, even though I was, am.
And this is when I had a light bulb moment.
Not like an EU energy saving lamp, but as in a full 100W Edison light bulb.

When I am "just being me" I am submissive -only it's nothing I really think about, it is effortless, it's just me being me.

Then there are times when I feel it deeply, when I'm even more submissive, and it is probably in the transition from this state to the "me just being me" that I think I'm not being submissive (enough).

This was a real revelation to me, and it instantly eased all my worry. I wasn't losing my grip, I was just...in my "normal" state of submission.
And as Brutus pointed out; we focused more on connection than power exchange this time. It was more about snuggling and sex, and well just "us", our relation -which is what we needed, and that these things auto-regulate themselves; we simply take what we need and go with it.



melinda, just be yourself and you will be fine.




Phew!  *sigh of relief*  -I'm really bad at not being myself  =P  I can't fake -even when I should!


But to summarize this (probably very confusing!) post; there isn't really an issue -and I've learned something about myself!
Oh, and I've been reminded; it is always better to talk than to worry in silence.




Again friend; Thanx! *Big hugs!*

With love,