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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Self esteem and self worth

This post is a result from a conversation Brutus and I had a few days ago, or rather the blog post He wrote based on it, and my comments to it.
Because yes, I rarely know things before I write/speak of them. Words just jump out like frogs out of my brain and mouth and I realize them as I hear/see them. They are not processed and they are certainly not censored (because to do that you need to know what frog is about to take the leap!). This isn't always a good thing.
But i digress.
This post was about self esteem and self worth.

I have very bad self esteem. Always have. The self worth issues developed with depression I think. That's getting better though. Brutus is making that better  =)
His belief in me, my abilities and my apparent qualities sheds a light on me which allows me to see things I haven't been able to see before.
Like; Yes, I am a good friend -when I'm well enough to be a friend. I'm of a distinct flavour and I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but to those than can tolerate me and my ways I am a good friend.
And opposing what some people think I'm not actually a bad person. I have been in bad condition, which has defined my behaviour, but I'm not a bad person.
I do my best, even if I fail.
When I believe something and feel for something or someone I do so fiercely and passionately and would jump through hoops for that person.
All these things are traits that Brutus wrote of as being "universally desirable and specifically desirable for a Dom". And yes, I just realized this writing it. Dang blogs are good sometimes!
Brutus is a miracle worker  =)  (At least He is my miracle worker) I'm not gonna lie and say that I will actually see all these positive things in a week, or day or even an hour from now, but having seen them at all is quite an epiphany in itself. It's quite nice a feeling actually  =)

OK let's backtrack a bit and see where this conversation actually comes from.

Brutus and I were talking of my stay there and how He can be very possessive of me -and this when He sleeps! *LOL*
He holds me so hard and close to Him that I really can't get away (good thing I have a super-bladder! =P). This is of course not something He does consciously, since He is sleeping. I told Him I liked that feeling though, of Him being possessive of me. I added "even when there's no one to be possessive from" (yes, I checked the chat history to get it right, however I do realize it is a very badly structured sentence *lol*), this is what spurred His blog post. This led the conversation to my ever present awe and questioning of Him sticking with me in the beginning.
In the beginning of our time together I was nowhere near as well as I am today. I was still depressed, I saw no meaning in anything, I had a constant struggle to keep from blowing my top (which I was also very unsuccessful with, which I guess can have contributed to even more feelings of failure) and I had been self-harming. Nothing major, but I did all the same. Only reason I stopped was because He told me to. And it was no longer just my body, I felt I had no right to do that anymore. It was difficult not to. I soon found that I was masochistic -very masochistic- and getting a positive outlet for that extinguished the need for self-harming. Yes this will undoubtedly start a debate whether all masochists are doing so out of self-harm and self-destruction or not, this is not the time or the place for it, even though I have my own theories about that. But it's not what this post is about.
Although I think I'm digressing again.
Please bear with me.

My point being that I was in a bad place when Brutus and I met. I felt like a lost cause -which I kept telling Him. I wanted Him to see that -now that is self-destructive! And comes down to zilch feelings of self-worth. I really felt like I was so much more hassle than anything positive He might get out from it. I still do (that I did). So no, I can't understand Him sticking with me. I probably never will.
But like I wrote in a comment to His post; I'm selfish enough to not really care about the why (just the want to understand), I am just happy that He did and that He feels the way He does about me.
The fact that I actually believe that He loves me is a huge leap forward for me. Yeah, I still doubt I deserve it from time to time, or that He should love me -but it makes me so happy that He does, and again I'm selfish enough and want it enough to not question it (too much).
But feeling that He can love me without it being.....wrong, is a big difference in me. One that I can thank Brutus for. The subject of 'credit' for my progress has been discussed time and again, I have no doubt who and what should have credit for what though.
I give credit where credit is due, it's not something I give haphazardly.

Self esteem is a different thing though. Esteem is about feeling confidence in one's ability to do something. I have had very good self esteem in some things, but not doing anything at all anymore, well it kinda don't give you any scope to feel good at something, or sometimes even capable.

OK, this got really rambly didn't it?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no I don't think that "[Brutus is] putting up with someone who is not worth considering" or that His "requirements are too low", I agree that is not true, but I do fail to see what made Him persevere. It is not important though. At least not from a relational POV, when I bring this up (on occasions the subject comes up) it is strictly from my inability to understand and my curiosity and desire to do so, nothing else.

I don't always see why I deserve Him, but I'm no longer convinced that I don't.
I obviously have something, and do something, that appeals to Him and makes Him happy. Whatever that may be.

(which doesn't really matter, what matters is that it does)
With love,


findingsara said...

Sweet Girl, I know the self harm was not the point of the post, so I hope you won't mind if I say one thing about it? Self harm is always tied to deep inner pain. The low self-esteem and depression layers on top of that. Self harm is simply an expression of the hidden pain. It's great that you could stop the activity, but if the pain is still buried inside, the self-esteem and depression have little chance of really resolving long-term. Have you ever sought professional help, a good therapist to help you get to the root, the source of the pain, so you can maybe finally let it go in a healthy way? I am wishing good things for you! Sara

October 29, 2011 at 7:59 PM
Elder said...

OK let me make this clear. Why do you stick with some one you have met online, never seen in real life. Some one who clearly has self-esteem issues. Who by her own admittance was depressed. And had some other issues you can read above. And perhaps some more that don't matter here.
I remember melinda saying in the beginning: Now you will run for the hills, or why did you NOT run for the hills.
It is a difficult one. It would be too easy to say, I had the foresight to see the outcome. But it is a fact I saw something in melinda.
She also said, this was a strictly online relation. And that looked the logical thing to happen. In the beginning I thought it would be strictly online, and I even thought the odds where small it would last at all. But soon after I started to think we would meet, and infect started to desire we would meet.

One of the very important traits melinda has, actually extremely important to me, is honesty. Melinda is brutally honest, to the point it gets her in trouble. I am, though saying it of my self, an expert in finding out dishonest people. If you are a psychopath you stand no chance with me, I hate them and I can smell them out at a 100m distance. Perhaps this honesty of melinda made me realise she was in essence a "good girl". When I started to call her "good" and "sweet" quite early on, she was dumb struck in the beginning. She was/is used to see her self and being seen as "bad" and "nasty". That in it self was an other incentive to stick with melinda. "I had assessed her and I was going to prove I was right, even if it was the last thing I did. And that is perhaps due to my own character. I am stubborn as hell. And once I decided to have her as my subbie, I was not going to be defeated by some secondary issues that can be mitigated with perseverance and understanding. I have to say I was lucky we could have failed, but it worked out in the end.

The end result is everything a Dom can ask for. Not only is she a very good subbie, but also I think, at least I get the feeling, I made her better. Hence dominating her became much more then a life stile. It became a means to an end, a tool to get the best out of her and to keep her from sliding in the abyss. It really made her mine. I can do with her what I want, but I will use my power to look after her. Oh I want my fun, and she is fun, but having power over a woman and use it for good that is a very addictive experience.

October 29, 2011 at 8:45 PM
Sweet girl said...

Hi Sara!
No, I don't mind at all :)

I did have a psychologist/psychotherapist although she was crap so I left her (she really was crap!) and haven't actually gotten a new one. I think biggest reason for not getting one (as well as having difficulty to 'let go' [even to Brutus]) is that I haven't felt strong enough to do that and be able to pick up the pieces, meaning I would be stuck in the abyss again. No can do. I am slowly letting go to Brutus though, and maybe eventually I will be able to do so to others too.

I still have anxiety attacks but they are nothing like they were back then.
A big reason for the anxiety to be so bad was the tinkering with meds doses, which thankfully is not happening at the moment.

I am much better than I was back then. Infinitely much better. Not only can I feel, I even feel happy.

But yes it's about a lot more than "something bad happened" it's a complicated business this thing that is neuropsychology. Blargh!

Thank you for your thoughtful words and good wishes, I really appreciate them :)

Sir: I don't know where to begin...
"The end result is everything a Dom can ask for." wow! And You know You made me better (I'm glad You're finally seeing it!)

"It really made her mine." Yours. Completely and definitively And look after me You do :) <3

October 30, 2011 at 1:37 AM
pepper said...

Awe. Wonder. Happy happy. It always lifts my spirits when two souls come together this was the same, 20 years ago now, when Master found me, and told me i was worthy, and made me believe it. It's a rare Man that can take something damaged and make it whole again, sweetie. You two are so lucky to have each other!

October 30, 2011 at 2:29 AM
Sweet girl said...

thank you pepper! it's good isn't it? fanfuckingtastically good =D

October 30, 2011 at 1:06 PM
Terror said...

:) i think elder made it very clear :) Just need to add That you are à great friend, à wonderful "kompis" you know :-p i have seen sunil in many ways and i love every way, of course now i love you more when you are this way haha skojar ;) you are great cant imagine My life without sunil in it <3

Thank you for today <3

November 1, 2011 at 1:38 AM
Sweet girl said...

OK Terror, now you made me teary eyed -Stop it, not OK :P puss!

Oh love the Swenglish btw *lol*

November 1, 2011 at 1:47 AM
Elder said...

Terror, melinda gives a lot of credit to me, because of the nature of her blog, but I know how much she is leaning on you every day. With out you we would not be where we are today.

A big thank you!!!

November 1, 2011 at 7:04 AM

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