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Sunday, May 20, 2012

Ramblings in the dark of night

  i don't even know where to begin. People often reply to that with a "at the beginning...", but what if you don't know where the beginning is?


I don't know where the beginning is, it's a bit like the chicken and the hen.

So I'll go with starting with the now.

Now....

Right now i feel lost. Disenfranchised. Detached. Irritable. Defensive. Maybe even a bit sad.

I'm sad because i don't want to feel this way. I want to turn to my submission and Sir when i feel lost, not away.

I want to wrap myself in the cocoon of safety i feel in it. With Him. Instead i turn inside myself. I seem argumentative. Obnoxious. And i am, i know i am. And i hate it. I don't want it like that.

I'm lost in some kind of twilight zone in between Vanilla and D/s. There's only one kind of Twilight that's good and it involves Robert Pattinson :-P

This however, this twilight is just confusing.

It's messing with my head and makes me feel lost and rootless. Like i'm not at home in either worlds.

I've come to realise how much i need Dominance. I need it to not float away into the abyss, get lost in myself. But also to be in touch with myself at the same time. The difference being not forgetting myself while getting absorbed in others, but not retreat inside myself either. If that makes sense.

I know i should talk to Brutus about this, but it's difficult. Not so much letting Him in (although it is an issue i have, not with Him specifically, in fact the least with Him, but in general). It's just that i can only put it into words when they come to me, like now. And always in writing. As i've said so many times before; my realizations come through my writing not the other way around.


The thing is there's so much going on just now that i don't even know where to begin.

I don't know what to do. What is right? What is most important? When should i do what? Like i said; confused. Lost. Floating more than being anchored.


I know this is probably not the most well written post i've done, i just needed to vent. Now, now I'll try to join Brutus in sleep.


Till next time....


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With love,

4 comments:

squirrel said...

Sending you lots of warm hugs, melinda. Maybe that's all I can do. But I know you two will sort this out. I'm so glad you're together right now.

love, squirrel

May 20, 2012 at 12:31 AM
melinda Sweetgirl said...

Thank you squirrel, nice to hear from you :-)
*hugs back*

May 20, 2012 at 12:38 AM
mostly mouse said...

melinda,

Hopefully since he reads your blog, you two have talked and find yourself on better footing...

At least that's what mouse hopes...

Hugs,
m

May 20, 2012 at 7:12 PM
melinda Sweetgirl said...

Hi mouse (like my pic btw? :-) ),
Sir does read my blog, although i don't think He has today (and to be truthful i haven't told Him I've posted either). I'm not sure if you have read my subsequent posts yet, but everything is just fine. Amazing how quick things can change huh? Well once you get them out in the open anyways.
I'm ok :-)
These things come and go don't they? Like storms on the horizon, they come, they change they disappear -until the next time!
It will come back. I will once again feel lost and confused. The storm will weather and then the sun will come out again. Just as life is; interchangeable.
But life is good :-) from what i read you are feeling it too :-)

Lots of hugs,
melinda

May 20, 2012 at 8:14 PM

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