Again and again and again -recurring matters.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Again and again and again -recurring matters.

It seems like it's something that keeps creeping up on me every now and again. I know i haven't written much lately but when i have it feels like it's this that has been the main focus; submission. Not so strange in this blog maybe *lol*, but more specifically it's been about the lack of it.
My feeling of having lost touch with it. Not feeling it. Not acting it. Feelings of being untethered and lost.

Last night i was trying to explain it to Sir, not very successfully.



I think in metaphors -yes, like always all the time! *LOL* So i tried to explain myself by comparing myself to a balloon, more correctly, like a helium balloon.

Like a helium balloon on a (way too) long tether

Instead of me ranting on trying to explain i will recapture some of the conversation -which will make this post very long! I apologize for that-, it went a bit like this;

{just before we had spoken about me getting my flat sorted -it's in a state!- which is what lead to the following conversation}



Master: you see
so Friday it is

melinda: ok cool
thank you Sir

i love you

that means also no spanking till then


love you too

i know :)

{that comment was in reply to Sir's "love you too" comment}

so you need to be a subbie with out that melinda


i know Sir 

can you do that?

i'll have to find something in its stead if it's needed i guess

indeed
or you will become ever more head strong and stubborn 

me? never

ahhhh good then

guess you'll have to hit me over the head with a proverbial hammer then if (ehum when) i am

Perhaps i have to

perhaps you do

do I have to now?

now? like right now?

well today
which lasts one more minute 

*lol*
ok then if it's for today  =P

aah gone
*LOL*

you are counting on the day to be over before i get the hammer out


indeed

no Sir i'm just kidding

I know

seriously though, although i'm ashamed of it, i think maybe i do need a hammer


or a great big fuck off mallet

well tell me
since I cant hit you from here

well yes you can Sir, just depends what you use as a hammer/mallet
i mean it don't actually have to be something hitting me (even less a hammer =P)

indeed
OK you could put a paper clamp on your labia and then tell me what is the matter

spanking is good, it calms me and settles me, but that's more "in time"...preemptively though, your guess is as good as mine (or probably better)


nothing is the matter, and i don't actually know where they are right this instant 

case in point

i don't know.....i guess i.....i think i need you more in my head (don't mean physical stuff is ruled out, but i mean as means of....correction or whatever. bringing back....me...?)

I think so a bit as well
partly it is because you have a lot more on your mind
which is normal
but you need to know that after you have helped your friend out and took care of all the other things, you have to respond to me


that's it though....maybe i need to anyways


need what

it's moved too low on the priority list


yep

respond to you....as much, always. regardless


I know

not meaning that i shouldn't "prioritize" other stuff, like my friend, just that it has to have a shared first place and not slide down to second
ok now i'm rambling
i'll shut up now

OK I have noticed that your friend is now on the first place, and that is understandable
she has greater needs
what you should know is that even if she is your number 1 priority you are still my sub

it doesn't mean that you, we, us, shouldn't be too though
thing is i don't really know how to
and i know it's unfair but i kinda need you for that


yes Sir i am
always

it is not unfair
I guess it is a test for me

oh don't say that, that sounds so ominous  :|

no it is not ominous
if you are not feeling submissive I have to find a way for that
that is why I want you to be in private in the time we meet
OK I can live with Thursday  {Thursdays are my movie night with Terror)
but you need to get TB in her own room
that is why I was nagging about it {the flat}

yes Sir

good
until then it is not easy
perhaps you should use astrid again
you have not for a while right

no that kinda ran out in the sand Sir 

start putting the things in there you do any ways
and the room as goal
and i want you to track the gym again

yes Sir

good
can you set that up by tomorrow evening

i think so Sir

OK and cancel all outstanding activities on astrid
we start with a new list

yes Sir

good girl

i want to be

hey melinda, don't forget one thing

what is that Sir?

all this has a scope
and that is to keep you on the straight and narrow
and that is not going too bad at the moment
so don't despair

really? i feel like i'm on the M4 

just go on the inside lane and floor it
never mind the gatsos

lol i thought i was supposed to slow down?
the what?

gatso
hey are you a london girl or not
is speed camera in the uk

hey i don't drive 

true too
any way the M4 has a finitive length, so soon enough you will get off it

ok change that to E4 then (is it called that in all of Europe?)


(at least you did not take the M1, it goes up to Aberdeen)


*LOL* i know i used to live there ;)
M4 was simply because it rolls easy off the tongue *lol*


or the M25 which is a ring road
rolls also easy off the tongue


hmmm maybe M25 is more accurate


let's not shall we


feel a bit like a dog chasing it's tail

why?


(ie circles)


i dunno


great answer huh?
but i don't


now that is something else from being not a sub
but melinda from here you are doing fine
what is the matter?


ok....but what if you apply this within the section of submission?
and anyways...they all integrate


let's do the tail first


 ok


you are helping your friend
you are doing a comp class
have a new home
bought a bike for TB
those are all constructive things
so what is bothering you?


*shrugs*


you have to do better then that


but i don't know what to say....


I was just going to say
you know you can tell me what ever you want...


i feel a bit like...like an (oh god how frustrating i forgot the word!), like one of them gas balloons


yes Sir i know that 

so perhaps I should prick you with a needle


pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst *makes deflating noise*


indeed

*lol*


oh i get so sick of myself



tell me melinda where does this comes from??


time? *shrugs*


hey listen you are doing this to your self
I love you, and over all I have nothing to complain about you


you are doing a great deal for your friend


i know you do,and i don't doubt it for a minute Sir


you should be mildly proud of your self


*lol*
mildly proud, that was new


you know i love you crazy?


I know and I am happy for it
and I love you crazy as well melinda


so dont forget I am not only your Dom, but also your shoulder to lean on if you need to
And I think it is not as much the submission at the moment that is the issue, as that you need that shoulder


now that you say it, i think it might be the other way around 


like what
I need your shoulder
also


and it is always there Sir
always and forever


cool, ty
but tonight I am OK


and you are sulking and feeling sorry for your self
so what is it?


cheer up melinda


i wasn't sulking, maybe i am now tho


it was provocative
but you are feeling sorry for your self


no i'm not! feeling sorry for myself over what exactly?


well going in circles
not finding your way with your submission
it is all about definitions


i'm not bloody #####


but that is what I meant
*LOL*
It sounded a bit like it though 


no it's not like that
nm


good then


so are you also saying you dont need a shoulder tonight?


i wasn't meaning tonight specifically Sir


so what do you mean then?


just...in general


can you be specific


specific about what Sir?


about what you mean


you said:
"so dont forget I am not only your Dom, but also your shoulder to lean on if you need to"


yes


maybe i need a bit less shoulder and some more of the rest?
i dunno
nm
i'll work thru it


OK
good then
not sure if I agree, but we will see


please explain


you are down beat for what I can see
you are getting drained
so you need to be replenished your self


 yes
agreed


success

but....in more ways than one


OK I will give you that
this is where it gets difficult at a long distance


i dunno what to say Sir


I will tell you what:
first of all you should accept the support you get


are you there?


yes
but you said first of all...so i was waiting for the rest


OK
*LOL*
and I will think of a way to get you more submissive


it's not about that though. it's not that i don't want or need your support, i do -both! it's not about that though
ok let's put it this way;


OK
tell


i need that leash because i have forgotten how to walk heel
so without it i run wild
wilder than i feel comfortable with


OK


make any sense?


I did not realize that
the "running wild" you need to explain a bit better


i'm not sure i can....
let me think


OK
you think I go toilet
brb


ok i'm sorry i'm so annoying but i think in metaphors so i'll go back to the balloon


oh may i too?
i'll take that as a yes 


back
yes


back too


wb
ty


OK
balloon?


oh yes ok
yeah the helium balloon
ok


OK
they float


ok a helium balloon on a short string don't really offer much resistance, it's not pulling and flailing back and forth in the wind like the balloon on a long string would


i feel like i'm floating
kinda
and flailing
and offer resistance

OK
I see


i feel.....all over the place.... ungrounded
i dunno
like i say....get sick of myself




*********************************************************************************


So that was that conversation....




So what does it mean?


I think it means that i need.....more.
More Dominance, more direction, more....more? More.

Needy & greedy, me? never!

*rolls eyes heavenwards*

*lol*

that's me

With love,